January 19th, 2023 10:59am pst If you are visiting for the first time, go to the beginning. The Sinful Realm read ( words) "Years ago there was 'into the sin'. Now? The hellish plane stands upright and forthright. 1233. Oh, boy. Things are bad. The situation is bad. I can’t even slice off little pieces of the problem and attempt to alleviate them. The whole is key. I am fucked. I did not do this. There are ideas in my head right now that cannot come to pass. They are far too dangerous and destructive. Even the thought of swinging the hammer in the garage is not blowing up my fucking skirt. Doom is coming through the speakers. Never before could I have imagined being in such a position or mindset at my age. Never before. There is nothing I can do aside from expressing my opinion through imagery, loud music, and words. In reality, I have no recourse whatsoever. This is the worst fucking situation in which I have ever been mired. This machine, the office, my media, the booze, nice meals, my huge garage all decorated and frightening; none of it has the ability to alleviate the roots of my disdain, anger and hatred for what I have become as a result of society’s grip of apathy. I just turned off the world. The fracture has changed. It no longer involves certain issues. The fracture is ruling me now. Deep breath. The routine is finally finished. I delayed part of it to ensure the comfort of the cats. They are more important to me than most people. Anyway, I am finding it amazing how quickly I can travel from a typical day of housework, food and media into a wasteland of black death. I am there right now and it feels very familiar and embracing. Say what you will, but one certainty about Satan is he will keep you warm. No doubt about that shit. I should be playing this album in the fucking garage, but alas it is too cold out there. A little more booze and I should be good to go, however. ‘Don’t look at me!’ A little while ago, my neighbor from around the corner brought me some moonshine from a friend of his due to the fact that he does not drink much alcohol. Aside from not understanding that sort of lifestyle, I accepted graciously. Seconds later I invited him to come to my garage empire this Saturday because it is my birthday. I recall back in November when we were out there celebrating our other next door neighbor’s birthday for a while that I commented as follows. ‘Wait until my fucking birthday. No one in the area will like me anymore’. And here we are, just days away from that fateful night. I plan to make a statement the likes of which have not been heard in this area for some years. My preferred, powerful compositions do not normally make it to the garage. Well, this weekend I am planning to express myself as I should have years ago. That type of expression is all I have left. My birthday night will be a violent, noisy and haphazard cluster of depressing music and half-hearted platitudes which will be superficial at best. Hmm... Maybe my birthday shitaree has already begun. I have consumed a bottle of Cold Duck in addition to the usual morning glass of whiskey, but no food whatsoever. The memories are flooding my brain. ‘And my fury stands ready.’ Saturday night is going to be wrought with damage and disdain. ‘Thou shalt not pray.’ Holy fucking shit, I can’t wait. ‘Come from where you hide!’ None can stop my tide!’ 0644 on Tuesday morning. Yesterday did not go well once I decided to pull a cork for a while too early in the day. Well, I did a little bit of damage for a while and then retreated feeling empty and alone. I do not like what happened during the morning and made sure to lash out for a while. Now I rather wish I hadn’t done that because the only thing that was accomplished was a waste of time. I didn’t even build anything, and that is typically what I do out there when I need to make a statement to an empty garage. Today will be much quieter. The plan is to spend more time at the computer and working in the office and less time in the garage because nothing can be served. In addition, my birthday bullshit that I outlined yesterday is probably not going to take place this weekend. I am still angry, yet since there is nothing I can do about it, my frustration is just going to have to remain under wraps. If people suspect I am crazy, that is fine. Anything else is unacceptable. Holy fuck is Tammy ever a morsel. She is only in a couple of episodes (maybe three?), but the last one really shows off her form. Jesus, the thoughts in my head when I see her rival those of Molly. Oh, and the memories, too. I can’t look at that girl without yearning to see the rest of her skin. This is a real nice clambake. Thanks, Danny. Maybe I should watch that movie again just to hear him say it. I like clams. Oh, I just performed a search for more HBO logos from the past and ran across the old opening sequence which introduced prime time features from 1983-87 and then returned in 1993 for a while. When we were on our way to the Midwest, a stopover in Green River had me very upset. I was afraid of the responsibility of such a drive, not to mention cruising with all of our worldly possessions. The situation came to a head again later, yet the first occasion was key. We landed in a little motel and found some good takeout food to bring back to the room. Well, the timing of our arrival at the room with dinner coincided with HBO (yes, the motel advertised the channel) running the opening sequence just as I turned on the television to find something agreeable. I remember dancing to the tune and being so happy that we found some comfort in the middle of nowhere. Seeing it again makes me realize how frightening that trip was at times, not to mention me being pulled out of the norm and turning my world upside down for a time. But we did it. That led to the comfort I soon found in our new location. I’ve spoken of it at length. I also found a behind-the-scenes featurette about the making of that sequence. I have not seen it for many years. Wow. I fucking love HBO. I can already see that this morning is going to be very difficult. Not yet, though. So far, I’ve been considering all manner of things around the house, so the shit hasn’t caught up with me. I really don’t need a fucking repeat of yesterday, meaning I may have to branch out a little and see if the situation goes up or downhill. I have too much experience with this crap to expect positives all the time. Right now I just don’t know, however. The opportunity is entirely up to me. I just need to think about it for a while before making a decision. If shit goes sideways again, I may not react very well. 0821. I am feeling a bit more positive right now. Perhaps it is the fact that yesterday is in the rear view mirror and I can only go up from where I was just twelve hours ago. 1447. We took a trip over the hill for a few hours to pick up all sorts of things, most notably a trio of video game cartridges (one for me, actually). The morning concern began to melt away after the prospect of lunch at an agreeable locale sunk into my brain. By the time the first destination was reached, I felt much better and did not have the visions or dreams attached to every thought. The second stop was for the games in order to avoid some of that ‘reckless shopping’ which often afflicts me after having a few drinks with lunch. That stop was where the issue hit me in the face. I wandered the store to look around since I’ve not been there since the remodel. Televisions, drones, etc. At one point I turned to my left only to lock eyes with a grouping of lines the likes of which I have not seen before, along with long, dark hair and a very slight frame. She was facing directly away from me and standing with feet together, just the way I asked the Raven to pose on that horrible Saturday afternoon. I could not believe what I was seeing. Jesus. From that moment forward, all I could do was picture her in any number of positions and completely under my control. Yes, I said that. I mean nothing bad, of course, just desperation. The sight only lasted a few seconds. By the time we made our way to the checkout, there she was perched beautifully behind the counter and with a face from the gods. If I locate the receipt and her first name is on it, I’ll be speaking of her quite a bit in the coming days. She was very unique, and I’ve not seen that particular set of features in the real world before today. Damn it. This will never end. Exotic doesn't even scratch the surface. Sinful? Oh, yes Jesus, she was so tiny, yet still with every fucking line on display. Just... Damn. The restaurant was completely without issues, although the smile on the hostess was wonderful. Very sweet, that expression. It’s going to be a while before something more stirring and provoking than the girl in the electronics store crosses my vision, I’ll tell you. Possibly a long while. There is not much to do around the house aside from a bit of straightening. Leftovers from lunch will be repurposed into dinner of some sort, meaning I have very little which is pressing right now. I plan to sit here at this gorgeous machine and gather my thoughts while the extended family keeps me company on the screen to my right. I may have a cocktail soon. I could use a touch of numbness to deal with the lines she was carrying. Holy shit. You want to talk about wanting something? Yesterday at this time I was all fucked up. Today? Much better, more mellow, and full of thoughts that should have been treaded and retained yesterday. That was bad and I do not want a repeat. Not ever. Perhaps I can learn something besides the depth of my obsession. Perhaps. Oh, that was a bad one. She was so fucking little. Learning? Yes. I learned something a few years ago that relates to the mechanics of height and form, although I cannot say why, nor can I spell it out here. Let us simply say that the girl aligns with my obsession more than she would have many years ago. A lot more, actually. I still can’t believe it. This office is so freaking comfortable that I still feel the newness. One more display and it will be completely out of control. Heh. Arlene’s baby is one of the ugliest children I’ve ever seen. No kidding. And I don’t agree with those idiots who claim that all babies are cute. Nope. Some are fucking hideous. I know a few things. I really do. For instance, the girl at the store had nothing to do with all that anger from yesterday being replaced with comfort and solace, but then again... She did. Before ever seeing her unbelievable fucking form, the idea of what she represents was already in my head, and yesterday was a catalyst for the depth of this morning’s feelings. There could be a profound relational analysis involved and combined with something I’ve felt during the last year. And yes, the damaging dreams are also related. The whole thing is rather stirring, to be honest, and I need more time to think about this subject. The idea of the girl in the store is a direct offshoot of the visions, be them deep in the past or more recent, and what I felt yesterday is connected via physical desire of all things. I have stated on several occasions that ‘shit’ would come to a head, and I believe that exact situation occurred mid-morning and then spiraled out of control. I will not sit here and deny that I made a mistake, either. I allowed everything to get to me and combined those thoughts with too much booze. Most of the time I am bottled like a carbonated beverage. Yesterday the cap blew off. Now that I have reeled myself in quite a bit, the time can be better spent finding a solution, even if only temporary. The larger issue is not going away anytime soon, if at all. Hence, I know most of what happened and now I feel rather stupid for allowing myself to go off the deep end. Huge lesson. Huge. What do I do with this information? I have to remember the emotions which come to mind at the very beginning of feeling that I am going downhill. I also must consider my circumstances, as well, meaning the issue of being overly obsessed and my resulting imbalance caused by desperately yearning for something which is impossible (or at least very improbable). If I can maintain being level-headed and remember that big lesson, perhaps another path can be taken when the fork appears in front of me on a given day. I haven’t flipped out like that in quite a while. I can’t have that shit anymore. The comfort will pass and that is why I must remain mindful of the consequences of allowing the feelings to get the better of me. The girl today is representative of two solid issues, one of which is almost constantly on my mind. The other is key to my feeling more comfortable and mellow. The obsession can be explored here until the cows come home, however the second issue has to stay under wraps. Oh, I’ll be speaking about it in these essays, though no one will have a clue as to the meaning. Live with it. And that girl will be coming up within the content at some point every day because her appearance moved me tremendously. There is something else, too, but I can’t talk about it. What I can say is she was fucking stunning and seemingly assembled from parts of my mind. I have to keep all this stuff in mind daily. And I need to find the receipt so I know her first name. Holy fuck was she something to see. Deborah has the sexiest fangs of all the female characters. By a longshot, honestly. Nora is second. Nora has other traits that I love, though. It’s almost time for me to transition into evening mode and get away from this machine for the day. I’ll be back here all warm and comfortable with coffee in the morning. I am hoping that I have a longer period of time in the office tomorrow than I did early today. Don’t get me wrong, either. I can sit here all I want. The fact is that I have my responsibilities that offset the feeling of operating and enjoying the control center of the universe, I just can’t sit here twenty-four seven. This evening is already loads better than yesterday, too. I am glad that shit is behind me now because I do not like it one bit. The actual flip-out took place. Unbelievable. 0709 on Wednesday morning. Yesterday was indeed better than Monday. I made it happen. Had I not seen that little morsel in the electronics store, the entire time would have been nearly ideal. I suppose I can’t expect everything to be peachy all the time, but I’ll be thinking about her for a while and trying to reconcile my consideration of how she relates to the other girl. I can only say so much here, honestly. And here we go with the cellos of passion on the show. Ugh. And there they are... In the woods and all over each other. Good thing I’ve seen this episode ten times in the past. The third display should help my eyes adjust to this shit. As for this morning, I will have my usual chores and some laundry, but nothing dramatic will take place like the other day. I can’t have that anymore. I’d like to put it behind me and work more in the office today. There are little details I need to work out and decisions to be made in favor of the new office configuration and the importance of this computer. It is quickly becoming the center of my universe. I have two universes, really, but this one is coming together because it can. The other one is far beyond my understanding or control. Anyway, I have plenty to keep me busy and out of the bad places today. Moreover, I’ll have a few hours to myself. Switch... Ashley was the one who caused me to feel as if I was doing something very wrong. Well, she was the first, anyway. When we spoke of the subject, my opinion was quickly shut down by her because she believed emotions are never right or wrong; they simply exist. My feelings for her stemmed from a lot of conversation and not just the fact that she looked unlike any girl I’d seen to that point. She looked like a fucking model, but the truth is the way she thought about people and society was what reeled me in. And yes, there is another relational analysis that could be applied here but I can’t fucking say it. The dreams, Ashley and my time with her, and now the girl at the store. They are somewhat connected inside my head for a few reasons, the most compelling of which must be avoided. The wolves just ran across the vampire and the faerie in the woods. Ooh-fa. Whatever. Anyway, I can go on trying to figure this out – namely the change in my thinking last year which has led to all this shit – until blue in the face, however I believe there will be a dead end unless I speak to a person. That change is bothering me more than anything else right now. I was with Ashley nearly twenty years ago, believe it or not, and can still hear her words. One personality trait facilitated her unique way of thinking and fascinated the hell out of me, and now I am beginning to yearn for that one item. It is related to the other shit and I will not be clearer about it right now. I can’t. Speaking to someone would be ideal. That person would have to be pretty fucking special, though. Damn. This is becoming more and more difficult as the days pass. Who is that sitting next to Jason? Wow... Her nose is dreamy There were a couple of television programs and two movies during the Christmas season which solidified a few issues floating in my head. One movie in particular had me almost falling on the floor due to a correlation between a character and my dreams. Ah, shit... Here we go again with the fucking cellos and nudity. This program is crazy. Anyway, I lost track of the story due to seeing lines on the television during that movie, and if I recall correctly, the shot was displayed and then gone in a matter of seconds. But I remembered, and I knew from where those feelings grew. A bad place. A sinful realm that has taken me to a much lower plane than prior to last year. I cannot discuss what I feel beyond the typical crap you’ve seen here for years. I’ve already detailed some thoughts about Molly, remember? That is the shit to which I am referring. All the rest will remain behind closed doors. The movie caught me off-guard and actually caused a change in the way I viewed the media, and believe me, the change is becoming permanent. I honestly do not see it fading or easing in the future. The issue of why I was so struck by the girl in the movie is very disconcerting. I did not ask for this. I was driven to it. I could not fucking believe the lines on her. I just could not. I have never seen such a relationship between the inner and outer traces and the sheer dimensions of her legs. I only saw her from the back until moving to the cashiers. I then saw her face and that long, dark hair framing an adorable expression. I could not follow along with the checkout process. Thank goodness everything is very simple these days. I have to find that fucking receipt to see if I can learn of her first name for reference. This type of ridiculous, unbalanced impact and yearning must have a clear identifier. Even when I am at my most pathetic, I still need everything organized. Mere seconds at the register passed before my head drew images of her in a half dozen positions. None of this is good. One consideration? I asked for an associate to price one item, and that took place near the rear of the store, not far from where the games were shelved. He was very helpful and pleasant, including the idea that when I was ready to check out, he could help in order to save us from heading to the line at the front of the store. Two aspects of that are still in my mind. One, had we followed his suggestion, I likely would not have stood before that little goddess of a morsel, and two, one of the games for which we searched would not have been found. Only when we indeed ventured to the line, there was a display close by which had the game. The choice between finding what we needed or seeing something that would cause me to overanalyze for months is not easy, and I doubt I would have been able to make it at the time. At least she was sitting behind the register and not standing. I didn’t need to see how tiny she was for a second time. I really did not. Amazing. Her size and thinness reminded me of another situation from the past. Actually, two, now that I think about it. I’d give anything to see her again. Being mired within a sinful soup is not good. There may be nothing I can do to change this. Oh, I can see myself sitting here in the office on and off all day long. The work always passes because I feel responsibilities, although it is not as compelling as it was at the outset of the pandemic. I was very concerned at that time due to ceasing work. In the last year I have mellowed some and do not feel that everything around the house is so dire. There are other unavoidable thoughts which have much more power over me than any responsibility, believe me. They have more power than I would care to admit. Once I am reminded of some situation, vision or dream, everything goes to hell in a handbasket and I slow the routine. I’ll eventually get back to it, but for a little while I seem to feel that I can’t do anything. Returning to whatever I had been doing before being taken off my feet requires quite a bit of effort. I think today will be a good one to intersperse my work around the house with short periods on the computer as the hours pass. The time is now 0819 and that little goddess is still causing me to dream of all manner of evil. What? What did you say? Her lines would look amazing in a distorted ‘all fours’ position? Yes, I was just thinking that same image could be incredible. I have only asked that of very few individuals, and only because I knew each of them understood. I need to stop this shit right now. The realm of those who cannot communicate with other people due to the subject matter. Splendid. Right in the middle of it. Or, maybe I created this realm. Whatever the case, the belief is here to stay. 0921. I’ll be starting my housework very soon. There isn’t much to do, but I like to get a head start once the coffee is gone. This cup is waning as I type these words. The sun is shining out there but the temperature is very low. The clear sky is nice. Rain is coming again tonight, I believe. Ooh-fa, I can’t get that vision out of my head this morning. Fortunately, it is not leading me to the angry mindset at all. Unlike the damaging dreams and related sights, I don’t have to wonder how her lines may look. I’ve seen them in spades and the most ideal position imaginable. That sight crippled me for a time while at the store, and now it is causing me to daydream about how she might look as a subject of my obsession. Jesus, what a form. Thinking of her appearance brings me back to some fascinating situations that I cannot forget no matter the effort or circumstances. There have been wondrous visions that all too often led to some of the most amazing feelings in my history. I keep seeing the girl at the store, over and over, and the resulting memories are not letting go of my brain this morning. You wanna talk about positions? Holy fucking shit, batman. 1117. I have the routine completely finished and my cocktail to the right. The next few hours will be quiet other than my show playing in the background. I can accomplish as much or as little as I feel today because none of the extraneous housework is time-dependent until the end of the week. I’ll probably stretch it out over a period of a few days. I am glad to be through with the typical morning stuff, too. I need to relax and think for a while. This shit is like a plague attached to my psyche. I haven’t found a cure, either. Thinking is all I have. Eh... I still haven’t gone beyond my typical morning housework. I can’t find a direction due to the visions getting the best of me for a few hours. There is plenty I could be doing, as well. Plenty. I just need to break away from the shit and head in a productive direction. 1606, and I did just that. I’ve been considering replacing our refrigerator due to its age and the idea of having something larger and easier with which to work, like a side-by-side. I’m tired of bending down to reach the shelves. The newer model will be very nice and fit just fine in the old location. Thus, I dropped this refrigerator to its wheels and rolled it out to clean and take measurements. Wow. Ten years have passed since the last time that appliance was rolled out of the corner. Cleaning was elementary, though. No big deal. Now I have an idea of what will be involved in preparing for a new model. Now I’m back in the control center with my friends on the right-hand display. And speaking of monitors, I received an update regarding the third unit. It is now scheduled to be here next Monday. Very nice. The delivery estimate was moved up by more than five weeks. I already have the third cable, so in a matter of minutes after the display is dropped on the porch, it will be on this table to complete my little empire of technology. I first envisioned rebuilding the desktop system back in September, and now it is nearly complete. I also went to the car and located the receipt that the little goddess handed me yesterday, but alas her name is not on it. Damn. I guess I’ll have to make up a name for her like I’ve done so many times in the past, not to mention those names I created while writing fiction. I’ll have to think about it for a while prior to making a choice. Yes, I am that far gone these days. She is one more fantasy in my head and needs to be identified clearly. I think I am going to swing the drafting table ninety degrees to where it was prior to rearranging everything last summer. Or, maybe not. After taking a look at the dimensions of both tables and the three monitors, I’ve decided that in the short term I can simply slide this table to the left a bit which will allow my chair to be centered on its width and help avoid the backrest from contacting the drafting table. Easy. This office is fine right now, I just need a bit of elbow room for the additional display. The center is where I type, the right side is for media, and the left will allow for additional windows for the main applications that govern the site. This is so fantastic that I still can’t believe it. I actually love her I was thinking last night about the bar/restaurant featured throughout this series. The idea brings me all the way back to the first time I became interested in such businesses, and it was primarily driven after spending months in an Okinawan rock house during eighty-six. I remember sitting in the barracks and drawing a themed establishment with multiple dining rooms and bars, as well as a big theatre. I still have the illustrations, too. Throughout the years, I’ve always been observant while in restaurants and bars regarding what works and what doesn’t, as well as the decor and layout. Being heavily involved with the bar here in town had me often daydreaming about owning such a place with my own ideas and dreams. The one on the show is really rustic and right up my alley when it comes to appearance. I will probably go back to the sketch pad soon and expand upon what was built for this program. My head fills with dreamy ideas quite often and I can’t think of anything I’d like more than to be at center stage in a popular drinking and eating establishment somewhere. This brings up a problem, though. I have not lived my life planning for the future and now sit here as a dead-end on the world’s financial infrastructure. A black hole, to be sure. Short of some winning ticket or other unexpected and miraculous windfall, I won’t be building anything, ever. This is depressing, yet I made those choices with my eyes open and nary a concern for what may come next in life. The big houses I drew, the restaurant, and any number of other ‘things’ I wanted to do when I was younger are just not going to happen. I still dream about the restaurant, though. I can’t help it. My mind is always calculating something nice when I see interesting fictional places on television. Ugh. The damaging dreams have a better chance of coming true than anything in the above paragraph. That just sucks out loud and right down to the ground. God damn is that kid on the show ever fucking hideous. Whatever. Well, I moved the table a few inches to the left and repositioned both displays. I believe this will work fine when the third arrives. Ah, shit... We’ve got a shitload of vampires at a ‘tolerance’ rally. Heh. And I just recalled the feeling in this office way back years ago when I had the old computer with twin displays. I used to shut off the entertainment in the living room to come work in here, and the media followed (mostly the second show back then). Once the show was running, I felt this warmth inside due to being within my element and comfort zone. Now I can be in it every day of the week. I don’t know how long ago that feeling began, but it’s been many years. I believe working full-time each week back then forced the office time to shine that much more. I can’t say the shine has faded, either. Even after nearly three years of being home every day, I still appreciate every fucking second of it. And I think the early mornings are still my favorite. This is such an improvement over the laptop. Awesome. I’ve become pretty damned desperate when it comes to certain sights. This afternoon has shown me the lengths to which I will go in order to gain some information that I can retain and analyze later. This is not good by any stretch. 0702, Thursday morning. The office is peaceful and quiet. I have hot coffee and the next couple of hours to relax and think. Naturally, my friends are up there on the second display keeping me company, all exotic and psychotic. The plan is to spend as much time as possible right here at the machine. This is the best place for me to analyze. After realizing that I’ve become willing to stretch some situations in order to see what I so desperately need to see, the feeling now is that I need to be in this chair and working on myself as often as possible. Things are getting worse, believe me. The obsession has driven me in directions better left out of this content. Oh, boy. This show sometimes. Going back to the restaurant discussion, I believe it stemmed from all those trips to Nevada when I was young and being told of the proper way for entertaining people, as well as being instructed to look loyally and show respect to the right type of establishments. From a very young age I had been exposed to numerous hotels and restaurants, many of which were above the four-star level, if you know what I mean. My grandfather had pretty expensive taste back then and brought me along quite often, especially when he wanted to whisk us away for a few days in his airplane. With barely an hour’s notice, I was pulled from school for ‘family’ reasons and a short time later found myself strolling the casino. Anyway, the entire restaurant idea and subsequent drawings came about due in part to places near home and those further away that were visited less often. I saw many exotic places over the years and the images I took away from all of them inspired me to design, much like the rock house’s influence upon my desire to run my own business. I could list those places that had the most impact upon my dreams, but I believe very few actually remain standing in these late days. Another push was watching two of my favorite programs over the years. There were numerous locations for shooting scenes which were actual working restaurants and bars. Those stuck with me, as well. I still dream about something like this in my future. I realize dreaming is futile, too. I know it. Those visions of a place such as I’d like to own still come around almost daily even though I understand just where I am in the world. I am going back and forth between dreams of beauty and those of a restaurant. This has been happening more often lately than in the past. I suppose watching some of the television programs continues to shove those ideas into my head because I am always open to something new. I see the woodwork or some stained glass and my brain begins to draw pictures almost immediately. There are often comments, too. Out loud. Oh, Nora. Here we go again. You are one of the most beautiful I’ve ever seen and I love you. This is the beginning of more than an entire season of her loveliness and exotic features right there for me to stare. Splendid. There it is... I switched from woodwork to God’s work. Heh. Today will be much like yesterday, except no moving the refrigerator. I’d like to focus on the office after doing my daily housework. I need to clean off the table and dust a bit before the third display arrives, plus I want to ensure all of the cabling is up off the floor. The idea to rearrange furniture can be explored, as well, not to mention streamlining the items stored in this room. The control center must be the focus in this room. Everything else should remain nice and neat in order to maintain said focus. I also have the dry cleaning which has been waiting all week. I can take care of it today and make sure everything is ready for next week. The other work I need to do is to bring each car to the test center up the highway in order to renew the registrations. I am going to take one care up there in less than an hour just to get it out of the way. My car can be done anytime. I may bring one after the other, though. The timing of both due in the same year is very unusual, yet I still have to deal with it. A few hours’ time and everything will be finished. Today should be perfect for that. In and around my other stuff, I’ll probably be right here with my nutcase friends keeping me company. There is but a single vampire within the Authority – aside from Nora, of course – who is worth a shit and who does not annoy the hell out of me. Nora is a chancellor, too, yet she is balanced and beautiful. The rest are just fucking horrible. Only Salome is reasonably cool. Just a thought. The guy in charge – Roman – is all fucked up, yet the actor plays it well. Just don’t fuck with Nora my love. That was one badass woman The sinful realm is still holding me. I am captive. One of these days I will finally swear fealty to the power of that place and shove all my chips to the center of the table. That is where things may finally go aslant much further than I can handle. I am inside the realm; feeding it. I am perpetuating the superlatives within. I’ve been full of sinful thoughts and dreams; planning situations that cannot come to pass, most of all that girl in the electronics store and the way she relates to the subject of recent visions. I can’t be clearer than that right now. Memories are also driving me in sinful directions. I can still picture the incredible view of Ashley when I emerged from her bathroom in the middle of the night, and the fact that she may have been the first example of the sin which led to my current mindset. I keep seeing certain forms over and over in my mind no matter what I may be doing at the time. More recent memories have had a hand in driving me to imagine some of the amazing forms in impossible situations. I see faces, hear certain words, and picture those moments again and again, eventually finding myself almost completely insane. I don’t believe I have any recourse right now. The condition of my head is saturated with imagery and sinful thinking. The girl in the store was the latest catalyst of much of the difficulty going through my brain this morning. A few mornings, actually. All I can do is go through the motions and attempt to distract myself from seeing everything I really don’t need to see, most notably those beautiful lines. When I brought up the restaurant/bar ideas and plans, I was trying to push everything else away so I could carry on writing without losing my fucking mind. It worked for a while, but now I keep recalling the store and my need to see all the beauty that girl carried, most likely unknowing of her power. The sight and subsequent yearning nearly crippled me. The restaurant dream does not have near the pull of the obsession. Not even close. The sun is shining again. Last night after hitting the sheets, I heard rain on the roof. This house has a vast attic, so to hear raindrops up there through the roof means it was pretty damned heavy. This morning there is not much wetness left outside, meaning the storm was minor just as stated in the forecast. The wind wasn’t too bad, either. I believe we are in for a long dry spell from here forward. I can work more in the garage and yard as a result of the storm cycle ending. I will probably still spend lots of time right here, though. I love this setup and the comfort it has added to my days. She was wearing black yoga pants. I needed to trace her lines upon first sight. I know they are in there, too. I KNOW it. I have to see them, trace them, worship everything she has displayed. The most recent vision was enough to send me spiraling down a rabbit hole of sinful thinking; yearning. The pants define everything and hide nothing. Sometimes the lines are on display, while other times I have to use my imagination, but in either case I already know what is going on inside them. Everything is right fucking there, just like the girl at the store two days ago. Her lines were incredible and I have rarely seen their equal in person. Jesus fuck already, something has to happen. I still don’t know her name. Maybe I’ll call her Julie just like the one I created in fiction. Oh, and I am referring to two different people in this paragraph, by the way. The yoga pants were not in the store. Those were jeans, yet they were also black. God damn was that girl ever tiny. The yoga pants were elsewhere and represented the very issue within the title of this whack-job of an entry. I cannot say more. No one is listening, anyway. Fuck it. In some ways, I can say more. Despite a definitive and painful lack of understanding ears (and don’t get me started with what that actually means), I can still sit here and spout over and over regarding what I’ve seen and the feelings inside that drive this keyboard. I need to see the lines so badly that sometimes I can’t function. That is not bullshit, either. The need is overpowering and often leaves me standing in the middle of the living room staring without focus. That type of situation comes up too often for me to believe anything else besides the fact that my obsession has grown out of control and became directly related to physical desire the moment I saw that girl at the pool raise her knees. I recall that vision almost daily. I have no reason to deny the idea that my very first thought when she performed that maneuver was to gently lower my face to her labia. Crucify me; I don’t give a shit anymore, and I also believe such a thought is perfectly natural for a human being. Do you disagree? You’re lying to yourself. Figure it out already. Appearance leads to desire more often than not. The evidence is everywhere. I saw the girl in the black yoga pants and my brain immediately descended into her clothing. That is how my mind works as a result of too many causes to list here. The one in the store two days ago? Oh... There was much more. She was standing beautifully and dead-centered within the sinful realm. Just believe it. I wanted her. And I need some fucking help. 0943. I have yet to do anything aside from sitting here because the house must remain nice and quiet. Pam’s backstory is amazing, stirring and beautiful. Just a thought. Anyway, I’ll get to the beginning of the routine in a little while, afterward traveling to the gas station to take care of the smog test. I need not be in a hurry for anything during most days and today is no different. My time is free and wonderful. I dreamed of being free of work for many years, and believe me when I say I appreciate this situation every single day. Jesus fucking Christ does Salome ever have beautiful breasts. Wow. Their shape and the direction her areolae are pointing are absolutely amazing. Holy shit. Too bad she’s a chancellor within the Authority and full of agendas. Whatever. She looks good, that’s all. Where was I? Ah... Being home all the time. When I said I appreciate this living condition every day, I meant it. Regardless of whatever difficulty or trauma I may be experiencing at a given time, the days here at home are still rewarding on some level. I’d rather be all fucked up here than out there working somewhere. At least I can explore everything. And as I said before, the routine will kick off soon, and then perhaps I can take care of the car prior to doing any dry cleaning. Yoga pants. I am a crazy person. Next to me on the table is a big glass of icy whiskey. Marvelous. The alcohol is nothing more than another step into the black. Moreover, watching this show does not allow me to steer my mind away from beauty. It actually causes everything to flare up. Um... Nora? That’s right. I may love that woman, but that does not mean I am above wanting her, too. In every way, to be sure. Holy fuck was this computer ever worth the wait. I love it. I needed it. I am going to spend as much time as possible in this chair because of it. Nice. This is one positive in my sea of negatives. This machine is so powerful and smooth that I am still reeling from the way it operates, not to mention the fact that it can drive three displays without breaking a sweat. I believe the configuration I chose is overpowered for my needs, but honestly I wanted a machine that could run smoothly no matter what I may throw at it, plus have the ability to expand in the future if necessary. The laptop is great, but the motherboard cannot be changed and the RAM is at the limit. The more the software grows, the less that computer will be able to handle it. The laptop is much like a cellular phone in that respect. The hardware becomes unchangeable and eventually advances so much that the phone needs to be replaced. This desktop machine can be upgraded until the cows come home, if necessary. Heh. The time is now 1045 and I have yet to do anything but sit here and type. I’ve been in front of the keyboard for four hours now, but thanks to the comfort of my chair and this fantastic keyboard, I am not fatigued in any way (well, mentally fucked up, though). My glasses are designed for computer work, too. That means I need not worry about eye-fatigue, thank the maker. I keep seeing those pants moving away from where I had been viewing and want her more and more with the passing of every hour. The tiny beauty in the store is also making inroads to my brain. She was just standing there by the home theatre kiosk, nothing more. Standing. She just happened to have been positioned with feet together and every fucking line showing my eyes exactly what they yearned to see. Well, somewhat. The truth is she was clothed, so not everything was apparent. Oh, but I knew. I’ve seen the lines of the universe right before my eyes on a few occasions, and considering the sheer level of obsessive study, these days I know full well what is going on inside those stirring pants. Those Authority assholes have hurt Nora. She will recover, though. Oh God, how I wish she would hold me and listen for a thousand years. I love her so much. Nora is the absolute most striking example of that face trait that I still cannot describe. She may have actually been the beginning of it. I can’t be sure, however. But wow, what a unique beauty. Love is often not strong enough of a term. And fuck me in a meadow, here come the faeries right out of a space which could be defined as ‘folded’. Just what I needed (not). This show is amazing. Oy, and Morella the dark beauty. This is what I would refer to as obsession overload. Thank goodness the scene was cut and went back to the principal character. I don’t like her one bit, but the cut helps. And? End of line." This site contains mature content Created by REN in Microsoft Visual Studio 2022 Copyright ©2002-2024 Brandywine Engineering All rights reserved All other trademarks, logos and graphics are the property of their respective owners Questions? Comments? Gather your thoughts and compose a message to the assholes in charge
January 19th, 2023 10:59am pst If you are visiting for the first time, go to the beginning. The Sinful Realm read ( words) "Years ago there was 'into the sin'. Now? The hellish plane stands upright and forthright. 1233. Oh, boy. Things are bad. The situation is bad. I can’t even slice off little pieces of the problem and attempt to alleviate them. The whole is key. I am fucked. I did not do this. There are ideas in my head right now that cannot come to pass. They are far too dangerous and destructive. Even the thought of swinging the hammer in the garage is not blowing up my fucking skirt. Doom is coming through the speakers. Never before could I have imagined being in such a position or mindset at my age. Never before. There is nothing I can do aside from expressing my opinion through imagery, loud music, and words. In reality, I have no recourse whatsoever. This is the worst fucking situation in which I have ever been mired. This machine, the office, my media, the booze, nice meals, my huge garage all decorated and frightening; none of it has the ability to alleviate the roots of my disdain, anger and hatred for what I have become as a result of society’s grip of apathy. I just turned off the world. The fracture has changed. It no longer involves certain issues. The fracture is ruling me now. Deep breath. The routine is finally finished. I delayed part of it to ensure the comfort of the cats. They are more important to me than most people. Anyway, I am finding it amazing how quickly I can travel from a typical day of housework, food and media into a wasteland of black death. I am there right now and it feels very familiar and embracing. Say what you will, but one certainty about Satan is he will keep you warm. No doubt about that shit. I should be playing this album in the fucking garage, but alas it is too cold out there. A little more booze and I should be good to go, however. ‘Don’t look at me!’ A little while ago, my neighbor from around the corner brought me some moonshine from a friend of his due to the fact that he does not drink much alcohol. Aside from not understanding that sort of lifestyle, I accepted graciously. Seconds later I invited him to come to my garage empire this Saturday because it is my birthday. I recall back in November when we were out there celebrating our other next door neighbor’s birthday for a while that I commented as follows. ‘Wait until my fucking birthday. No one in the area will like me anymore’. And here we are, just days away from that fateful night. I plan to make a statement the likes of which have not been heard in this area for some years. My preferred, powerful compositions do not normally make it to the garage. Well, this weekend I am planning to express myself as I should have years ago. That type of expression is all I have left. My birthday night will be a violent, noisy and haphazard cluster of depressing music and half-hearted platitudes which will be superficial at best. Hmm... Maybe my birthday shitaree has already begun. I have consumed a bottle of Cold Duck in addition to the usual morning glass of whiskey, but no food whatsoever. The memories are flooding my brain. ‘And my fury stands ready.’ Saturday night is going to be wrought with damage and disdain. ‘Thou shalt not pray.’ Holy fucking shit, I can’t wait. ‘Come from where you hide!’ None can stop my tide!’ 0644 on Tuesday morning. Yesterday did not go well once I decided to pull a cork for a while too early in the day. Well, I did a little bit of damage for a while and then retreated feeling empty and alone. I do not like what happened during the morning and made sure to lash out for a while. Now I rather wish I hadn’t done that because the only thing that was accomplished was a waste of time. I didn’t even build anything, and that is typically what I do out there when I need to make a statement to an empty garage. Today will be much quieter. The plan is to spend more time at the computer and working in the office and less time in the garage because nothing can be served. In addition, my birthday bullshit that I outlined yesterday is probably not going to take place this weekend. I am still angry, yet since there is nothing I can do about it, my frustration is just going to have to remain under wraps. If people suspect I am crazy, that is fine. Anything else is unacceptable. Holy fuck is Tammy ever a morsel. She is only in a couple of episodes (maybe three?), but the last one really shows off her form. Jesus, the thoughts in my head when I see her rival those of Molly. Oh, and the memories, too. I can’t look at that girl without yearning to see the rest of her skin. This is a real nice clambake. Thanks, Danny. Maybe I should watch that movie again just to hear him say it. I like clams. Oh, I just performed a search for more HBO logos from the past and ran across the old opening sequence which introduced prime time features from 1983-87 and then returned in 1993 for a while. When we were on our way to the Midwest, a stopover in Green River had me very upset. I was afraid of the responsibility of such a drive, not to mention cruising with all of our worldly possessions. The situation came to a head again later, yet the first occasion was key. We landed in a little motel and found some good takeout food to bring back to the room. Well, the timing of our arrival at the room with dinner coincided with HBO (yes, the motel advertised the channel) running the opening sequence just as I turned on the television to find something agreeable. I remember dancing to the tune and being so happy that we found some comfort in the middle of nowhere. Seeing it again makes me realize how frightening that trip was at times, not to mention me being pulled out of the norm and turning my world upside down for a time. But we did it. That led to the comfort I soon found in our new location. I’ve spoken of it at length. I also found a behind-the-scenes featurette about the making of that sequence. I have not seen it for many years. Wow. I fucking love HBO. I can already see that this morning is going to be very difficult. Not yet, though. So far, I’ve been considering all manner of things around the house, so the shit hasn’t caught up with me. I really don’t need a fucking repeat of yesterday, meaning I may have to branch out a little and see if the situation goes up or downhill. I have too much experience with this crap to expect positives all the time. Right now I just don’t know, however. The opportunity is entirely up to me. I just need to think about it for a while before making a decision. If shit goes sideways again, I may not react very well. 0821. I am feeling a bit more positive right now. Perhaps it is the fact that yesterday is in the rear view mirror and I can only go up from where I was just twelve hours ago. 1447. We took a trip over the hill for a few hours to pick up all sorts of things, most notably a trio of video game cartridges (one for me, actually). The morning concern began to melt away after the prospect of lunch at an agreeable locale sunk into my brain. By the time the first destination was reached, I felt much better and did not have the visions or dreams attached to every thought. The second stop was for the games in order to avoid some of that ‘reckless shopping’ which often afflicts me after having a few drinks with lunch. That stop was where the issue hit me in the face. I wandered the store to look around since I’ve not been there since the remodel. Televisions, drones, etc. At one point I turned to my left only to lock eyes with a grouping of lines the likes of which I have not seen before, along with long, dark hair and a very slight frame. She was facing directly away from me and standing with feet together, just the way I asked the Raven to pose on that horrible Saturday afternoon. I could not believe what I was seeing. Jesus. From that moment forward, all I could do was picture her in any number of positions and completely under my control. Yes, I said that. I mean nothing bad, of course, just desperation. The sight only lasted a few seconds. By the time we made our way to the checkout, there she was perched beautifully behind the counter and with a face from the gods. If I locate the receipt and her first name is on it, I’ll be speaking of her quite a bit in the coming days. She was very unique, and I’ve not seen that particular set of features in the real world before today. Damn it. This will never end. Exotic doesn't even scratch the surface. Sinful? Oh, yes Jesus, she was so tiny, yet still with every fucking line on display. Just... Damn. The restaurant was completely without issues, although the smile on the hostess was wonderful. Very sweet, that expression. It’s going to be a while before something more stirring and provoking than the girl in the electronics store crosses my vision, I’ll tell you. Possibly a long while. There is not much to do around the house aside from a bit of straightening. Leftovers from lunch will be repurposed into dinner of some sort, meaning I have very little which is pressing right now. I plan to sit here at this gorgeous machine and gather my thoughts while the extended family keeps me company on the screen to my right. I may have a cocktail soon. I could use a touch of numbness to deal with the lines she was carrying. Holy shit. You want to talk about wanting something? Yesterday at this time I was all fucked up. Today? Much better, more mellow, and full of thoughts that should have been treaded and retained yesterday. That was bad and I do not want a repeat. Not ever. Perhaps I can learn something besides the depth of my obsession. Perhaps. Oh, that was a bad one. She was so fucking little. Learning? Yes. I learned something a few years ago that relates to the mechanics of height and form, although I cannot say why, nor can I spell it out here. Let us simply say that the girl aligns with my obsession more than she would have many years ago. A lot more, actually. I still can’t believe it. This office is so freaking comfortable that I still feel the newness. One more display and it will be completely out of control. Heh. Arlene’s baby is one of the ugliest children I’ve ever seen. No kidding. And I don’t agree with those idiots who claim that all babies are cute. Nope. Some are fucking hideous. I know a few things. I really do. For instance, the girl at the store had nothing to do with all that anger from yesterday being replaced with comfort and solace, but then again... She did. Before ever seeing her unbelievable fucking form, the idea of what she represents was already in my head, and yesterday was a catalyst for the depth of this morning’s feelings. There could be a profound relational analysis involved and combined with something I’ve felt during the last year. And yes, the damaging dreams are also related. The whole thing is rather stirring, to be honest, and I need more time to think about this subject. The idea of the girl in the store is a direct offshoot of the visions, be them deep in the past or more recent, and what I felt yesterday is connected via physical desire of all things. I have stated on several occasions that ‘shit’ would come to a head, and I believe that exact situation occurred mid-morning and then spiraled out of control. I will not sit here and deny that I made a mistake, either. I allowed everything to get to me and combined those thoughts with too much booze. Most of the time I am bottled like a carbonated beverage. Yesterday the cap blew off. Now that I have reeled myself in quite a bit, the time can be better spent finding a solution, even if only temporary. The larger issue is not going away anytime soon, if at all. Hence, I know most of what happened and now I feel rather stupid for allowing myself to go off the deep end. Huge lesson. Huge. What do I do with this information? I have to remember the emotions which come to mind at the very beginning of feeling that I am going downhill. I also must consider my circumstances, as well, meaning the issue of being overly obsessed and my resulting imbalance caused by desperately yearning for something which is impossible (or at least very improbable). If I can maintain being level-headed and remember that big lesson, perhaps another path can be taken when the fork appears in front of me on a given day. I haven’t flipped out like that in quite a while. I can’t have that shit anymore. The comfort will pass and that is why I must remain mindful of the consequences of allowing the feelings to get the better of me. The girl today is representative of two solid issues, one of which is almost constantly on my mind. The other is key to my feeling more comfortable and mellow. The obsession can be explored here until the cows come home, however the second issue has to stay under wraps. Oh, I’ll be speaking about it in these essays, though no one will have a clue as to the meaning. Live with it. And that girl will be coming up within the content at some point every day because her appearance moved me tremendously. There is something else, too, but I can’t talk about it. What I can say is she was fucking stunning and seemingly assembled from parts of my mind. I have to keep all this stuff in mind daily. And I need to find the receipt so I know her first name. Holy fuck was she something to see. Deborah has the sexiest fangs of all the female characters. By a longshot, honestly. Nora is second. Nora has other traits that I love, though. It’s almost time for me to transition into evening mode and get away from this machine for the day. I’ll be back here all warm and comfortable with coffee in the morning. I am hoping that I have a longer period of time in the office tomorrow than I did early today. Don’t get me wrong, either. I can sit here all I want. The fact is that I have my responsibilities that offset the feeling of operating and enjoying the control center of the universe, I just can’t sit here twenty-four seven. This evening is already loads better than yesterday, too. I am glad that shit is behind me now because I do not like it one bit. The actual flip-out took place. Unbelievable. 0709 on Wednesday morning. Yesterday was indeed better than Monday. I made it happen. Had I not seen that little morsel in the electronics store, the entire time would have been nearly ideal. I suppose I can’t expect everything to be peachy all the time, but I’ll be thinking about her for a while and trying to reconcile my consideration of how she relates to the other girl. I can only say so much here, honestly. And here we go with the cellos of passion on the show. Ugh. And there they are... In the woods and all over each other. Good thing I’ve seen this episode ten times in the past. The third display should help my eyes adjust to this shit. As for this morning, I will have my usual chores and some laundry, but nothing dramatic will take place like the other day. I can’t have that anymore. I’d like to put it behind me and work more in the office today. There are little details I need to work out and decisions to be made in favor of the new office configuration and the importance of this computer. It is quickly becoming the center of my universe. I have two universes, really, but this one is coming together because it can. The other one is far beyond my understanding or control. Anyway, I have plenty to keep me busy and out of the bad places today. Moreover, I’ll have a few hours to myself. Switch... Ashley was the one who caused me to feel as if I was doing something very wrong. Well, she was the first, anyway. When we spoke of the subject, my opinion was quickly shut down by her because she believed emotions are never right or wrong; they simply exist. My feelings for her stemmed from a lot of conversation and not just the fact that she looked unlike any girl I’d seen to that point. She looked like a fucking model, but the truth is the way she thought about people and society was what reeled me in. And yes, there is another relational analysis that could be applied here but I can’t fucking say it. The dreams, Ashley and my time with her, and now the girl at the store. They are somewhat connected inside my head for a few reasons, the most compelling of which must be avoided. The wolves just ran across the vampire and the faerie in the woods. Ooh-fa. Whatever. Anyway, I can go on trying to figure this out – namely the change in my thinking last year which has led to all this shit – until blue in the face, however I believe there will be a dead end unless I speak to a person. That change is bothering me more than anything else right now. I was with Ashley nearly twenty years ago, believe it or not, and can still hear her words. One personality trait facilitated her unique way of thinking and fascinated the hell out of me, and now I am beginning to yearn for that one item. It is related to the other shit and I will not be clearer about it right now. I can’t. Speaking to someone would be ideal. That person would have to be pretty fucking special, though. Damn. This is becoming more and more difficult as the days pass. Who is that sitting next to Jason? Wow... Her nose is dreamy There were a couple of television programs and two movies during the Christmas season which solidified a few issues floating in my head. One movie in particular had me almost falling on the floor due to a correlation between a character and my dreams. Ah, shit... Here we go again with the fucking cellos and nudity. This program is crazy. Anyway, I lost track of the story due to seeing lines on the television during that movie, and if I recall correctly, the shot was displayed and then gone in a matter of seconds. But I remembered, and I knew from where those feelings grew. A bad place. A sinful realm that has taken me to a much lower plane than prior to last year. I cannot discuss what I feel beyond the typical crap you’ve seen here for years. I’ve already detailed some thoughts about Molly, remember? That is the shit to which I am referring. All the rest will remain behind closed doors. The movie caught me off-guard and actually caused a change in the way I viewed the media, and believe me, the change is becoming permanent. I honestly do not see it fading or easing in the future. The issue of why I was so struck by the girl in the movie is very disconcerting. I did not ask for this. I was driven to it. I could not fucking believe the lines on her. I just could not. I have never seen such a relationship between the inner and outer traces and the sheer dimensions of her legs. I only saw her from the back until moving to the cashiers. I then saw her face and that long, dark hair framing an adorable expression. I could not follow along with the checkout process. Thank goodness everything is very simple these days. I have to find that fucking receipt to see if I can learn of her first name for reference. This type of ridiculous, unbalanced impact and yearning must have a clear identifier. Even when I am at my most pathetic, I still need everything organized. Mere seconds at the register passed before my head drew images of her in a half dozen positions. None of this is good. One consideration? I asked for an associate to price one item, and that took place near the rear of the store, not far from where the games were shelved. He was very helpful and pleasant, including the idea that when I was ready to check out, he could help in order to save us from heading to the line at the front of the store. Two aspects of that are still in my mind. One, had we followed his suggestion, I likely would not have stood before that little goddess of a morsel, and two, one of the games for which we searched would not have been found. Only when we indeed ventured to the line, there was a display close by which had the game. The choice between finding what we needed or seeing something that would cause me to overanalyze for months is not easy, and I doubt I would have been able to make it at the time. At least she was sitting behind the register and not standing. I didn’t need to see how tiny she was for a second time. I really did not. Amazing. Her size and thinness reminded me of another situation from the past. Actually, two, now that I think about it. I’d give anything to see her again. Being mired within a sinful soup is not good. There may be nothing I can do to change this. Oh, I can see myself sitting here in the office on and off all day long. The work always passes because I feel responsibilities, although it is not as compelling as it was at the outset of the pandemic. I was very concerned at that time due to ceasing work. In the last year I have mellowed some and do not feel that everything around the house is so dire. There are other unavoidable thoughts which have much more power over me than any responsibility, believe me. They have more power than I would care to admit. Once I am reminded of some situation, vision or dream, everything goes to hell in a handbasket and I slow the routine. I’ll eventually get back to it, but for a little while I seem to feel that I can’t do anything. Returning to whatever I had been doing before being taken off my feet requires quite a bit of effort. I think today will be a good one to intersperse my work around the house with short periods on the computer as the hours pass. The time is now 0819 and that little goddess is still causing me to dream of all manner of evil. What? What did you say? Her lines would look amazing in a distorted ‘all fours’ position? Yes, I was just thinking that same image could be incredible. I have only asked that of very few individuals, and only because I knew each of them understood. I need to stop this shit right now. The realm of those who cannot communicate with other people due to the subject matter. Splendid. Right in the middle of it. Or, maybe I created this realm. Whatever the case, the belief is here to stay. 0921. I’ll be starting my housework very soon. There isn’t much to do, but I like to get a head start once the coffee is gone. This cup is waning as I type these words. The sun is shining out there but the temperature is very low. The clear sky is nice. Rain is coming again tonight, I believe. Ooh-fa, I can’t get that vision out of my head this morning. Fortunately, it is not leading me to the angry mindset at all. Unlike the damaging dreams and related sights, I don’t have to wonder how her lines may look. I’ve seen them in spades and the most ideal position imaginable. That sight crippled me for a time while at the store, and now it is causing me to daydream about how she might look as a subject of my obsession. Jesus, what a form. Thinking of her appearance brings me back to some fascinating situations that I cannot forget no matter the effort or circumstances. There have been wondrous visions that all too often led to some of the most amazing feelings in my history. I keep seeing the girl at the store, over and over, and the resulting memories are not letting go of my brain this morning. You wanna talk about positions? Holy fucking shit, batman. 1117. I have the routine completely finished and my cocktail to the right. The next few hours will be quiet other than my show playing in the background. I can accomplish as much or as little as I feel today because none of the extraneous housework is time-dependent until the end of the week. I’ll probably stretch it out over a period of a few days. I am glad to be through with the typical morning stuff, too. I need to relax and think for a while. This shit is like a plague attached to my psyche. I haven’t found a cure, either. Thinking is all I have. Eh... I still haven’t gone beyond my typical morning housework. I can’t find a direction due to the visions getting the best of me for a few hours. There is plenty I could be doing, as well. Plenty. I just need to break away from the shit and head in a productive direction. 1606, and I did just that. I’ve been considering replacing our refrigerator due to its age and the idea of having something larger and easier with which to work, like a side-by-side. I’m tired of bending down to reach the shelves. The newer model will be very nice and fit just fine in the old location. Thus, I dropped this refrigerator to its wheels and rolled it out to clean and take measurements. Wow. Ten years have passed since the last time that appliance was rolled out of the corner. Cleaning was elementary, though. No big deal. Now I have an idea of what will be involved in preparing for a new model. Now I’m back in the control center with my friends on the right-hand display. And speaking of monitors, I received an update regarding the third unit. It is now scheduled to be here next Monday. Very nice. The delivery estimate was moved up by more than five weeks. I already have the third cable, so in a matter of minutes after the display is dropped on the porch, it will be on this table to complete my little empire of technology. I first envisioned rebuilding the desktop system back in September, and now it is nearly complete. I also went to the car and located the receipt that the little goddess handed me yesterday, but alas her name is not on it. Damn. I guess I’ll have to make up a name for her like I’ve done so many times in the past, not to mention those names I created while writing fiction. I’ll have to think about it for a while prior to making a choice. Yes, I am that far gone these days. She is one more fantasy in my head and needs to be identified clearly. I think I am going to swing the drafting table ninety degrees to where it was prior to rearranging everything last summer. Or, maybe not. After taking a look at the dimensions of both tables and the three monitors, I’ve decided that in the short term I can simply slide this table to the left a bit which will allow my chair to be centered on its width and help avoid the backrest from contacting the drafting table. Easy. This office is fine right now, I just need a bit of elbow room for the additional display. The center is where I type, the right side is for media, and the left will allow for additional windows for the main applications that govern the site. This is so fantastic that I still can’t believe it. I actually love her I was thinking last night about the bar/restaurant featured throughout this series. The idea brings me all the way back to the first time I became interested in such businesses, and it was primarily driven after spending months in an Okinawan rock house during eighty-six. I remember sitting in the barracks and drawing a themed establishment with multiple dining rooms and bars, as well as a big theatre. I still have the illustrations, too. Throughout the years, I’ve always been observant while in restaurants and bars regarding what works and what doesn’t, as well as the decor and layout. Being heavily involved with the bar here in town had me often daydreaming about owning such a place with my own ideas and dreams. The one on the show is really rustic and right up my alley when it comes to appearance. I will probably go back to the sketch pad soon and expand upon what was built for this program. My head fills with dreamy ideas quite often and I can’t think of anything I’d like more than to be at center stage in a popular drinking and eating establishment somewhere. This brings up a problem, though. I have not lived my life planning for the future and now sit here as a dead-end on the world’s financial infrastructure. A black hole, to be sure. Short of some winning ticket or other unexpected and miraculous windfall, I won’t be building anything, ever. This is depressing, yet I made those choices with my eyes open and nary a concern for what may come next in life. The big houses I drew, the restaurant, and any number of other ‘things’ I wanted to do when I was younger are just not going to happen. I still dream about the restaurant, though. I can’t help it. My mind is always calculating something nice when I see interesting fictional places on television. Ugh. The damaging dreams have a better chance of coming true than anything in the above paragraph. That just sucks out loud and right down to the ground. God damn is that kid on the show ever fucking hideous. Whatever. Well, I moved the table a few inches to the left and repositioned both displays. I believe this will work fine when the third arrives. Ah, shit... We’ve got a shitload of vampires at a ‘tolerance’ rally. Heh. And I just recalled the feeling in this office way back years ago when I had the old computer with twin displays. I used to shut off the entertainment in the living room to come work in here, and the media followed (mostly the second show back then). Once the show was running, I felt this warmth inside due to being within my element and comfort zone. Now I can be in it every day of the week. I don’t know how long ago that feeling began, but it’s been many years. I believe working full-time each week back then forced the office time to shine that much more. I can’t say the shine has faded, either. Even after nearly three years of being home every day, I still appreciate every fucking second of it. And I think the early mornings are still my favorite. This is such an improvement over the laptop. Awesome. I’ve become pretty damned desperate when it comes to certain sights. This afternoon has shown me the lengths to which I will go in order to gain some information that I can retain and analyze later. This is not good by any stretch. 0702, Thursday morning. The office is peaceful and quiet. I have hot coffee and the next couple of hours to relax and think. Naturally, my friends are up there on the second display keeping me company, all exotic and psychotic. The plan is to spend as much time as possible right here at the machine. This is the best place for me to analyze. After realizing that I’ve become willing to stretch some situations in order to see what I so desperately need to see, the feeling now is that I need to be in this chair and working on myself as often as possible. Things are getting worse, believe me. The obsession has driven me in directions better left out of this content. Oh, boy. This show sometimes. Going back to the restaurant discussion, I believe it stemmed from all those trips to Nevada when I was young and being told of the proper way for entertaining people, as well as being instructed to look loyally and show respect to the right type of establishments. From a very young age I had been exposed to numerous hotels and restaurants, many of which were above the four-star level, if you know what I mean. My grandfather had pretty expensive taste back then and brought me along quite often, especially when he wanted to whisk us away for a few days in his airplane. With barely an hour’s notice, I was pulled from school for ‘family’ reasons and a short time later found myself strolling the casino. Anyway, the entire restaurant idea and subsequent drawings came about due in part to places near home and those further away that were visited less often. I saw many exotic places over the years and the images I took away from all of them inspired me to design, much like the rock house’s influence upon my desire to run my own business. I could list those places that had the most impact upon my dreams, but I believe very few actually remain standing in these late days. Another push was watching two of my favorite programs over the years. There were numerous locations for shooting scenes which were actual working restaurants and bars. Those stuck with me, as well. I still dream about something like this in my future. I realize dreaming is futile, too. I know it. Those visions of a place such as I’d like to own still come around almost daily even though I understand just where I am in the world. I am going back and forth between dreams of beauty and those of a restaurant. This has been happening more often lately than in the past. I suppose watching some of the television programs continues to shove those ideas into my head because I am always open to something new. I see the woodwork or some stained glass and my brain begins to draw pictures almost immediately. There are often comments, too. Out loud. Oh, Nora. Here we go again. You are one of the most beautiful I’ve ever seen and I love you. This is the beginning of more than an entire season of her loveliness and exotic features right there for me to stare. Splendid. There it is... I switched from woodwork to God’s work. Heh. Today will be much like yesterday, except no moving the refrigerator. I’d like to focus on the office after doing my daily housework. I need to clean off the table and dust a bit before the third display arrives, plus I want to ensure all of the cabling is up off the floor. The idea to rearrange furniture can be explored, as well, not to mention streamlining the items stored in this room. The control center must be the focus in this room. Everything else should remain nice and neat in order to maintain said focus. I also have the dry cleaning which has been waiting all week. I can take care of it today and make sure everything is ready for next week. The other work I need to do is to bring each car to the test center up the highway in order to renew the registrations. I am going to take one care up there in less than an hour just to get it out of the way. My car can be done anytime. I may bring one after the other, though. The timing of both due in the same year is very unusual, yet I still have to deal with it. A few hours’ time and everything will be finished. Today should be perfect for that. In and around my other stuff, I’ll probably be right here with my nutcase friends keeping me company. There is but a single vampire within the Authority – aside from Nora, of course – who is worth a shit and who does not annoy the hell out of me. Nora is a chancellor, too, yet she is balanced and beautiful. The rest are just fucking horrible. Only Salome is reasonably cool. Just a thought. The guy in charge – Roman – is all fucked up, yet the actor plays it well. Just don’t fuck with Nora my love. That was one badass woman The sinful realm is still holding me. I am captive. One of these days I will finally swear fealty to the power of that place and shove all my chips to the center of the table. That is where things may finally go aslant much further than I can handle. I am inside the realm; feeding it. I am perpetuating the superlatives within. I’ve been full of sinful thoughts and dreams; planning situations that cannot come to pass, most of all that girl in the electronics store and the way she relates to the subject of recent visions. I can’t be clearer than that right now. Memories are also driving me in sinful directions. I can still picture the incredible view of Ashley when I emerged from her bathroom in the middle of the night, and the fact that she may have been the first example of the sin which led to my current mindset. I keep seeing certain forms over and over in my mind no matter what I may be doing at the time. More recent memories have had a hand in driving me to imagine some of the amazing forms in impossible situations. I see faces, hear certain words, and picture those moments again and again, eventually finding myself almost completely insane. I don’t believe I have any recourse right now. The condition of my head is saturated with imagery and sinful thinking. The girl in the store was the latest catalyst of much of the difficulty going through my brain this morning. A few mornings, actually. All I can do is go through the motions and attempt to distract myself from seeing everything I really don’t need to see, most notably those beautiful lines. When I brought up the restaurant/bar ideas and plans, I was trying to push everything else away so I could carry on writing without losing my fucking mind. It worked for a while, but now I keep recalling the store and my need to see all the beauty that girl carried, most likely unknowing of her power. The sight and subsequent yearning nearly crippled me. The restaurant dream does not have near the pull of the obsession. Not even close. The sun is shining again. Last night after hitting the sheets, I heard rain on the roof. This house has a vast attic, so to hear raindrops up there through the roof means it was pretty damned heavy. This morning there is not much wetness left outside, meaning the storm was minor just as stated in the forecast. The wind wasn’t too bad, either. I believe we are in for a long dry spell from here forward. I can work more in the garage and yard as a result of the storm cycle ending. I will probably still spend lots of time right here, though. I love this setup and the comfort it has added to my days. She was wearing black yoga pants. I needed to trace her lines upon first sight. I know they are in there, too. I KNOW it. I have to see them, trace them, worship everything she has displayed. The most recent vision was enough to send me spiraling down a rabbit hole of sinful thinking; yearning. The pants define everything and hide nothing. Sometimes the lines are on display, while other times I have to use my imagination, but in either case I already know what is going on inside them. Everything is right fucking there, just like the girl at the store two days ago. Her lines were incredible and I have rarely seen their equal in person. Jesus fuck already, something has to happen. I still don’t know her name. Maybe I’ll call her Julie just like the one I created in fiction. Oh, and I am referring to two different people in this paragraph, by the way. The yoga pants were not in the store. Those were jeans, yet they were also black. God damn was that girl ever tiny. The yoga pants were elsewhere and represented the very issue within the title of this whack-job of an entry. I cannot say more. No one is listening, anyway. Fuck it. In some ways, I can say more. Despite a definitive and painful lack of understanding ears (and don’t get me started with what that actually means), I can still sit here and spout over and over regarding what I’ve seen and the feelings inside that drive this keyboard. I need to see the lines so badly that sometimes I can’t function. That is not bullshit, either. The need is overpowering and often leaves me standing in the middle of the living room staring without focus. That type of situation comes up too often for me to believe anything else besides the fact that my obsession has grown out of control and became directly related to physical desire the moment I saw that girl at the pool raise her knees. I recall that vision almost daily. I have no reason to deny the idea that my very first thought when she performed that maneuver was to gently lower my face to her labia. Crucify me; I don’t give a shit anymore, and I also believe such a thought is perfectly natural for a human being. Do you disagree? You’re lying to yourself. Figure it out already. Appearance leads to desire more often than not. The evidence is everywhere. I saw the girl in the black yoga pants and my brain immediately descended into her clothing. That is how my mind works as a result of too many causes to list here. The one in the store two days ago? Oh... There was much more. She was standing beautifully and dead-centered within the sinful realm. Just believe it. I wanted her. And I need some fucking help. 0943. I have yet to do anything aside from sitting here because the house must remain nice and quiet. Pam’s backstory is amazing, stirring and beautiful. Just a thought. Anyway, I’ll get to the beginning of the routine in a little while, afterward traveling to the gas station to take care of the smog test. I need not be in a hurry for anything during most days and today is no different. My time is free and wonderful. I dreamed of being free of work for many years, and believe me when I say I appreciate this situation every single day. Jesus fucking Christ does Salome ever have beautiful breasts. Wow. Their shape and the direction her areolae are pointing are absolutely amazing. Holy shit. Too bad she’s a chancellor within the Authority and full of agendas. Whatever. She looks good, that’s all. Where was I? Ah... Being home all the time. When I said I appreciate this living condition every day, I meant it. Regardless of whatever difficulty or trauma I may be experiencing at a given time, the days here at home are still rewarding on some level. I’d rather be all fucked up here than out there working somewhere. At least I can explore everything. And as I said before, the routine will kick off soon, and then perhaps I can take care of the car prior to doing any dry cleaning. Yoga pants. I am a crazy person. Next to me on the table is a big glass of icy whiskey. Marvelous. The alcohol is nothing more than another step into the black. Moreover, watching this show does not allow me to steer my mind away from beauty. It actually causes everything to flare up. Um... Nora? That’s right. I may love that woman, but that does not mean I am above wanting her, too. In every way, to be sure. Holy fuck was this computer ever worth the wait. I love it. I needed it. I am going to spend as much time as possible in this chair because of it. Nice. This is one positive in my sea of negatives. This machine is so powerful and smooth that I am still reeling from the way it operates, not to mention the fact that it can drive three displays without breaking a sweat. I believe the configuration I chose is overpowered for my needs, but honestly I wanted a machine that could run smoothly no matter what I may throw at it, plus have the ability to expand in the future if necessary. The laptop is great, but the motherboard cannot be changed and the RAM is at the limit. The more the software grows, the less that computer will be able to handle it. The laptop is much like a cellular phone in that respect. The hardware becomes unchangeable and eventually advances so much that the phone needs to be replaced. This desktop machine can be upgraded until the cows come home, if necessary. Heh. The time is now 1045 and I have yet to do anything but sit here and type. I’ve been in front of the keyboard for four hours now, but thanks to the comfort of my chair and this fantastic keyboard, I am not fatigued in any way (well, mentally fucked up, though). My glasses are designed for computer work, too. That means I need not worry about eye-fatigue, thank the maker. I keep seeing those pants moving away from where I had been viewing and want her more and more with the passing of every hour. The tiny beauty in the store is also making inroads to my brain. She was just standing there by the home theatre kiosk, nothing more. Standing. She just happened to have been positioned with feet together and every fucking line showing my eyes exactly what they yearned to see. Well, somewhat. The truth is she was clothed, so not everything was apparent. Oh, but I knew. I’ve seen the lines of the universe right before my eyes on a few occasions, and considering the sheer level of obsessive study, these days I know full well what is going on inside those stirring pants. Those Authority assholes have hurt Nora. She will recover, though. Oh God, how I wish she would hold me and listen for a thousand years. I love her so much. Nora is the absolute most striking example of that face trait that I still cannot describe. She may have actually been the beginning of it. I can’t be sure, however. But wow, what a unique beauty. Love is often not strong enough of a term. And fuck me in a meadow, here come the faeries right out of a space which could be defined as ‘folded’. Just what I needed (not). This show is amazing. Oy, and Morella the dark beauty. This is what I would refer to as obsession overload. Thank goodness the scene was cut and went back to the principal character. I don’t like her one bit, but the cut helps. And? End of line."
January 19th, 2023 10:59am pst
If you are visiting for the first time, go to the beginning.
The Sinful Realm
read ( words)
"Years ago there was 'into the sin'. Now? The hellish plane stands upright and forthright. 1233. Oh, boy. Things are bad. The situation is bad. I can’t even slice off little pieces of the problem and attempt to alleviate them. The whole is key. I am fucked. I did not do this. There are ideas in my head right now that cannot come to pass. They are far too dangerous and destructive. Even the thought of swinging the hammer in the garage is not blowing up my fucking skirt. Doom is coming through the speakers. Never before could I have imagined being in such a position or mindset at my age. Never before. There is nothing I can do aside from expressing my opinion through imagery, loud music, and words. In reality, I have no recourse whatsoever. This is the worst fucking situation in which I have ever been mired. This machine, the office, my media, the booze, nice meals, my huge garage all decorated and frightening; none of it has the ability to alleviate the roots of my disdain, anger and hatred for what I have become as a result of society’s grip of apathy. I just turned off the world. The fracture has changed. It no longer involves certain issues. The fracture is ruling me now. Deep breath. The routine is finally finished. I delayed part of it to ensure the comfort of the cats. They are more important to me than most people. Anyway, I am finding it amazing how quickly I can travel from a typical day of housework, food and media into a wasteland of black death. I am there right now and it feels very familiar and embracing. Say what you will, but one certainty about Satan is he will keep you warm. No doubt about that shit. I should be playing this album in the fucking garage, but alas it is too cold out there. A little more booze and I should be good to go, however. ‘Don’t look at me!’ A little while ago, my neighbor from around the corner brought me some moonshine from a friend of his due to the fact that he does not drink much alcohol. Aside from not understanding that sort of lifestyle, I accepted graciously. Seconds later I invited him to come to my garage empire this Saturday because it is my birthday. I recall back in November when we were out there celebrating our other next door neighbor’s birthday for a while that I commented as follows. ‘Wait until my fucking birthday. No one in the area will like me anymore’. And here we are, just days away from that fateful night. I plan to make a statement the likes of which have not been heard in this area for some years. My preferred, powerful compositions do not normally make it to the garage. Well, this weekend I am planning to express myself as I should have years ago. That type of expression is all I have left. My birthday night will be a violent, noisy and haphazard cluster of depressing music and half-hearted platitudes which will be superficial at best. Hmm... Maybe my birthday shitaree has already begun. I have consumed a bottle of Cold Duck in addition to the usual morning glass of whiskey, but no food whatsoever. The memories are flooding my brain. ‘And my fury stands ready.’ Saturday night is going to be wrought with damage and disdain. ‘Thou shalt not pray.’ Holy fucking shit, I can’t wait. ‘Come from where you hide!’ None can stop my tide!’ 0644 on Tuesday morning. Yesterday did not go well once I decided to pull a cork for a while too early in the day. Well, I did a little bit of damage for a while and then retreated feeling empty and alone. I do not like what happened during the morning and made sure to lash out for a while. Now I rather wish I hadn’t done that because the only thing that was accomplished was a waste of time. I didn’t even build anything, and that is typically what I do out there when I need to make a statement to an empty garage. Today will be much quieter. The plan is to spend more time at the computer and working in the office and less time in the garage because nothing can be served. In addition, my birthday bullshit that I outlined yesterday is probably not going to take place this weekend. I am still angry, yet since there is nothing I can do about it, my frustration is just going to have to remain under wraps. If people suspect I am crazy, that is fine. Anything else is unacceptable. Holy fuck is Tammy ever a morsel. She is only in a couple of episodes (maybe three?), but the last one really shows off her form. Jesus, the thoughts in my head when I see her rival those of Molly. Oh, and the memories, too. I can’t look at that girl without yearning to see the rest of her skin. This is a real nice clambake. Thanks, Danny. Maybe I should watch that movie again just to hear him say it. I like clams. Oh, I just performed a search for more HBO logos from the past and ran across the old opening sequence which introduced prime time features from 1983-87 and then returned in 1993 for a while. When we were on our way to the Midwest, a stopover in Green River had me very upset. I was afraid of the responsibility of such a drive, not to mention cruising with all of our worldly possessions. The situation came to a head again later, yet the first occasion was key. We landed in a little motel and found some good takeout food to bring back to the room. Well, the timing of our arrival at the room with dinner coincided with HBO (yes, the motel advertised the channel) running the opening sequence just as I turned on the television to find something agreeable. I remember dancing to the tune and being so happy that we found some comfort in the middle of nowhere. Seeing it again makes me realize how frightening that trip was at times, not to mention me being pulled out of the norm and turning my world upside down for a time. But we did it. That led to the comfort I soon found in our new location. I’ve spoken of it at length. I also found a behind-the-scenes featurette about the making of that sequence. I have not seen it for many years. Wow. I fucking love HBO. I can already see that this morning is going to be very difficult. Not yet, though. So far, I’ve been considering all manner of things around the house, so the shit hasn’t caught up with me. I really don’t need a fucking repeat of yesterday, meaning I may have to branch out a little and see if the situation goes up or downhill. I have too much experience with this crap to expect positives all the time. Right now I just don’t know, however. The opportunity is entirely up to me. I just need to think about it for a while before making a decision. If shit goes sideways again, I may not react very well. 0821. I am feeling a bit more positive right now. Perhaps it is the fact that yesterday is in the rear view mirror and I can only go up from where I was just twelve hours ago. 1447. We took a trip over the hill for a few hours to pick up all sorts of things, most notably a trio of video game cartridges (one for me, actually). The morning concern began to melt away after the prospect of lunch at an agreeable locale sunk into my brain. By the time the first destination was reached, I felt much better and did not have the visions or dreams attached to every thought. The second stop was for the games in order to avoid some of that ‘reckless shopping’ which often afflicts me after having a few drinks with lunch. That stop was where the issue hit me in the face. I wandered the store to look around since I’ve not been there since the remodel. Televisions, drones, etc. At one point I turned to my left only to lock eyes with a grouping of lines the likes of which I have not seen before, along with long, dark hair and a very slight frame. She was facing directly away from me and standing with feet together, just the way I asked the Raven to pose on that horrible Saturday afternoon. I could not believe what I was seeing. Jesus. From that moment forward, all I could do was picture her in any number of positions and completely under my control. Yes, I said that. I mean nothing bad, of course, just desperation. The sight only lasted a few seconds. By the time we made our way to the checkout, there she was perched beautifully behind the counter and with a face from the gods. If I locate the receipt and her first name is on it, I’ll be speaking of her quite a bit in the coming days. She was very unique, and I’ve not seen that particular set of features in the real world before today. Damn it. This will never end.
Exotic doesn't even scratch the surface. Sinful? Oh, yes
Jesus, she was so tiny, yet still with every fucking line on display. Just... Damn. The restaurant was completely without issues, although the smile on the hostess was wonderful. Very sweet, that expression. It’s going to be a while before something more stirring and provoking than the girl in the electronics store crosses my vision, I’ll tell you. Possibly a long while. There is not much to do around the house aside from a bit of straightening. Leftovers from lunch will be repurposed into dinner of some sort, meaning I have very little which is pressing right now. I plan to sit here at this gorgeous machine and gather my thoughts while the extended family keeps me company on the screen to my right. I may have a cocktail soon. I could use a touch of numbness to deal with the lines she was carrying. Holy shit. You want to talk about wanting something? Yesterday at this time I was all fucked up. Today? Much better, more mellow, and full of thoughts that should have been treaded and retained yesterday. That was bad and I do not want a repeat. Not ever. Perhaps I can learn something besides the depth of my obsession. Perhaps. Oh, that was a bad one. She was so fucking little. Learning? Yes. I learned something a few years ago that relates to the mechanics of height and form, although I cannot say why, nor can I spell it out here. Let us simply say that the girl aligns with my obsession more than she would have many years ago. A lot more, actually. I still can’t believe it. This office is so freaking comfortable that I still feel the newness. One more display and it will be completely out of control. Heh. Arlene’s baby is one of the ugliest children I’ve ever seen. No kidding. And I don’t agree with those idiots who claim that all babies are cute. Nope. Some are fucking hideous. I know a few things. I really do. For instance, the girl at the store had nothing to do with all that anger from yesterday being replaced with comfort and solace, but then again... She did. Before ever seeing her unbelievable fucking form, the idea of what she represents was already in my head, and yesterday was a catalyst for the depth of this morning’s feelings. There could be a profound relational analysis involved and combined with something I’ve felt during the last year. And yes, the damaging dreams are also related. The whole thing is rather stirring, to be honest, and I need more time to think about this subject. The idea of the girl in the store is a direct offshoot of the visions, be them deep in the past or more recent, and what I felt yesterday is connected via physical desire of all things. I have stated on several occasions that ‘shit’ would come to a head, and I believe that exact situation occurred mid-morning and then spiraled out of control. I will not sit here and deny that I made a mistake, either. I allowed everything to get to me and combined those thoughts with too much booze. Most of the time I am bottled like a carbonated beverage. Yesterday the cap blew off. Now that I have reeled myself in quite a bit, the time can be better spent finding a solution, even if only temporary. The larger issue is not going away anytime soon, if at all. Hence, I know most of what happened and now I feel rather stupid for allowing myself to go off the deep end. Huge lesson. Huge. What do I do with this information? I have to remember the emotions which come to mind at the very beginning of feeling that I am going downhill. I also must consider my circumstances, as well, meaning the issue of being overly obsessed and my resulting imbalance caused by desperately yearning for something which is impossible (or at least very improbable). If I can maintain being level-headed and remember that big lesson, perhaps another path can be taken when the fork appears in front of me on a given day. I haven’t flipped out like that in quite a while. I can’t have that shit anymore. The comfort will pass and that is why I must remain mindful of the consequences of allowing the feelings to get the better of me. The girl today is representative of two solid issues, one of which is almost constantly on my mind. The other is key to my feeling more comfortable and mellow. The obsession can be explored here until the cows come home, however the second issue has to stay under wraps. Oh, I’ll be speaking about it in these essays, though no one will have a clue as to the meaning. Live with it. And that girl will be coming up within the content at some point every day because her appearance moved me tremendously. There is something else, too, but I can’t talk about it. What I can say is she was fucking stunning and seemingly assembled from parts of my mind. I have to keep all this stuff in mind daily. And I need to find the receipt so I know her first name. Holy fuck was she something to see. Deborah has the sexiest fangs of all the female characters. By a longshot, honestly. Nora is second. Nora has other traits that I love, though. It’s almost time for me to transition into evening mode and get away from this machine for the day. I’ll be back here all warm and comfortable with coffee in the morning. I am hoping that I have a longer period of time in the office tomorrow than I did early today. Don’t get me wrong, either. I can sit here all I want. The fact is that I have my responsibilities that offset the feeling of operating and enjoying the control center of the universe, I just can’t sit here twenty-four seven. This evening is already loads better than yesterday, too. I am glad that shit is behind me now because I do not like it one bit. The actual flip-out took place. Unbelievable. 0709 on Wednesday morning. Yesterday was indeed better than Monday. I made it happen. Had I not seen that little morsel in the electronics store, the entire time would have been nearly ideal. I suppose I can’t expect everything to be peachy all the time, but I’ll be thinking about her for a while and trying to reconcile my consideration of how she relates to the other girl. I can only say so much here, honestly. And here we go with the cellos of passion on the show. Ugh. And there they are... In the woods and all over each other. Good thing I’ve seen this episode ten times in the past. The third display should help my eyes adjust to this shit. As for this morning, I will have my usual chores and some laundry, but nothing dramatic will take place like the other day. I can’t have that anymore. I’d like to put it behind me and work more in the office today. There are little details I need to work out and decisions to be made in favor of the new office configuration and the importance of this computer. It is quickly becoming the center of my universe. I have two universes, really, but this one is coming together because it can. The other one is far beyond my understanding or control. Anyway, I have plenty to keep me busy and out of the bad places today. Moreover, I’ll have a few hours to myself. Switch... Ashley was the one who caused me to feel as if I was doing something very wrong. Well, she was the first, anyway. When we spoke of the subject, my opinion was quickly shut down by her because she believed emotions are never right or wrong; they simply exist. My feelings for her stemmed from a lot of conversation and not just the fact that she looked unlike any girl I’d seen to that point. She looked like a fucking model, but the truth is the way she thought about people and society was what reeled me in. And yes, there is another relational analysis that could be applied here but I can’t fucking say it. The dreams, Ashley and my time with her, and now the girl at the store. They are somewhat connected inside my head for a few reasons, the most compelling of which must be avoided. The wolves just ran across the vampire and the faerie in the woods. Ooh-fa. Whatever. Anyway, I can go on trying to figure this out – namely the change in my thinking last year which has led to all this shit – until blue in the face, however I believe there will be a dead end unless I speak to a person. That change is bothering me more than anything else right now. I was with Ashley nearly twenty years ago, believe it or not, and can still hear her words. One personality trait facilitated her unique way of thinking and fascinated the hell out of me, and now I am beginning to yearn for that one item. It is related to the other shit and I will not be clearer about it right now. I can’t. Speaking to someone would be ideal. That person would have to be pretty fucking special, though. Damn. This is becoming more and more difficult as the days pass.
Who is that sitting next to Jason? Wow... Her nose is dreamy
There were a couple of television programs and two movies during the Christmas season which solidified a few issues floating in my head. One movie in particular had me almost falling on the floor due to a correlation between a character and my dreams. Ah, shit... Here we go again with the fucking cellos and nudity. This program is crazy. Anyway, I lost track of the story due to seeing lines on the television during that movie, and if I recall correctly, the shot was displayed and then gone in a matter of seconds. But I remembered, and I knew from where those feelings grew. A bad place. A sinful realm that has taken me to a much lower plane than prior to last year. I cannot discuss what I feel beyond the typical crap you’ve seen here for years. I’ve already detailed some thoughts about Molly, remember? That is the shit to which I am referring. All the rest will remain behind closed doors. The movie caught me off-guard and actually caused a change in the way I viewed the media, and believe me, the change is becoming permanent. I honestly do not see it fading or easing in the future. The issue of why I was so struck by the girl in the movie is very disconcerting. I did not ask for this. I was driven to it. I could not fucking believe the lines on her. I just could not. I have never seen such a relationship between the inner and outer traces and the sheer dimensions of her legs. I only saw her from the back until moving to the cashiers. I then saw her face and that long, dark hair framing an adorable expression. I could not follow along with the checkout process. Thank goodness everything is very simple these days. I have to find that fucking receipt to see if I can learn of her first name for reference. This type of ridiculous, unbalanced impact and yearning must have a clear identifier. Even when I am at my most pathetic, I still need everything organized. Mere seconds at the register passed before my head drew images of her in a half dozen positions. None of this is good. One consideration? I asked for an associate to price one item, and that took place near the rear of the store, not far from where the games were shelved. He was very helpful and pleasant, including the idea that when I was ready to check out, he could help in order to save us from heading to the line at the front of the store. Two aspects of that are still in my mind. One, had we followed his suggestion, I likely would not have stood before that little goddess of a morsel, and two, one of the games for which we searched would not have been found. Only when we indeed ventured to the line, there was a display close by which had the game. The choice between finding what we needed or seeing something that would cause me to overanalyze for months is not easy, and I doubt I would have been able to make it at the time. At least she was sitting behind the register and not standing. I didn’t need to see how tiny she was for a second time. I really did not. Amazing. Her size and thinness reminded me of another situation from the past. Actually, two, now that I think about it. I’d give anything to see her again. Being mired within a sinful soup is not good. There may be nothing I can do to change this. Oh, I can see myself sitting here in the office on and off all day long. The work always passes because I feel responsibilities, although it is not as compelling as it was at the outset of the pandemic. I was very concerned at that time due to ceasing work. In the last year I have mellowed some and do not feel that everything around the house is so dire. There are other unavoidable thoughts which have much more power over me than any responsibility, believe me. They have more power than I would care to admit. Once I am reminded of some situation, vision or dream, everything goes to hell in a handbasket and I slow the routine. I’ll eventually get back to it, but for a little while I seem to feel that I can’t do anything. Returning to whatever I had been doing before being taken off my feet requires quite a bit of effort. I think today will be a good one to intersperse my work around the house with short periods on the computer as the hours pass. The time is now 0819 and that little goddess is still causing me to dream of all manner of evil. What? What did you say? Her lines would look amazing in a distorted ‘all fours’ position? Yes, I was just thinking that same image could be incredible. I have only asked that of very few individuals, and only because I knew each of them understood. I need to stop this shit right now. The realm of those who cannot communicate with other people due to the subject matter. Splendid. Right in the middle of it. Or, maybe I created this realm. Whatever the case, the belief is here to stay. 0921. I’ll be starting my housework very soon. There isn’t much to do, but I like to get a head start once the coffee is gone. This cup is waning as I type these words. The sun is shining out there but the temperature is very low. The clear sky is nice. Rain is coming again tonight, I believe. Ooh-fa, I can’t get that vision out of my head this morning. Fortunately, it is not leading me to the angry mindset at all. Unlike the damaging dreams and related sights, I don’t have to wonder how her lines may look. I’ve seen them in spades and the most ideal position imaginable. That sight crippled me for a time while at the store, and now it is causing me to daydream about how she might look as a subject of my obsession. Jesus, what a form. Thinking of her appearance brings me back to some fascinating situations that I cannot forget no matter the effort or circumstances. There have been wondrous visions that all too often led to some of the most amazing feelings in my history. I keep seeing the girl at the store, over and over, and the resulting memories are not letting go of my brain this morning. You wanna talk about positions? Holy fucking shit, batman. 1117. I have the routine completely finished and my cocktail to the right. The next few hours will be quiet other than my show playing in the background. I can accomplish as much or as little as I feel today because none of the extraneous housework is time-dependent until the end of the week. I’ll probably stretch it out over a period of a few days. I am glad to be through with the typical morning stuff, too. I need to relax and think for a while. This shit is like a plague attached to my psyche. I haven’t found a cure, either. Thinking is all I have. Eh... I still haven’t gone beyond my typical morning housework. I can’t find a direction due to the visions getting the best of me for a few hours. There is plenty I could be doing, as well. Plenty. I just need to break away from the shit and head in a productive direction. 1606, and I did just that. I’ve been considering replacing our refrigerator due to its age and the idea of having something larger and easier with which to work, like a side-by-side. I’m tired of bending down to reach the shelves. The newer model will be very nice and fit just fine in the old location. Thus, I dropped this refrigerator to its wheels and rolled it out to clean and take measurements. Wow. Ten years have passed since the last time that appliance was rolled out of the corner. Cleaning was elementary, though. No big deal. Now I have an idea of what will be involved in preparing for a new model. Now I’m back in the control center with my friends on the right-hand display. And speaking of monitors, I received an update regarding the third unit. It is now scheduled to be here next Monday. Very nice. The delivery estimate was moved up by more than five weeks. I already have the third cable, so in a matter of minutes after the display is dropped on the porch, it will be on this table to complete my little empire of technology. I first envisioned rebuilding the desktop system back in September, and now it is nearly complete. I also went to the car and located the receipt that the little goddess handed me yesterday, but alas her name is not on it. Damn. I guess I’ll have to make up a name for her like I’ve done so many times in the past, not to mention those names I created while writing fiction. I’ll have to think about it for a while prior to making a choice. Yes, I am that far gone these days. She is one more fantasy in my head and needs to be identified clearly. I think I am going to swing the drafting table ninety degrees to where it was prior to rearranging everything last summer. Or, maybe not. After taking a look at the dimensions of both tables and the three monitors, I’ve decided that in the short term I can simply slide this table to the left a bit which will allow my chair to be centered on its width and help avoid the backrest from contacting the drafting table. Easy. This office is fine right now, I just need a bit of elbow room for the additional display. The center is where I type, the right side is for media, and the left will allow for additional windows for the main applications that govern the site. This is so fantastic that I still can’t believe it.
I actually love her
I was thinking last night about the bar/restaurant featured throughout this series. The idea brings me all the way back to the first time I became interested in such businesses, and it was primarily driven after spending months in an Okinawan rock house during eighty-six. I remember sitting in the barracks and drawing a themed establishment with multiple dining rooms and bars, as well as a big theatre. I still have the illustrations, too. Throughout the years, I’ve always been observant while in restaurants and bars regarding what works and what doesn’t, as well as the decor and layout. Being heavily involved with the bar here in town had me often daydreaming about owning such a place with my own ideas and dreams. The one on the show is really rustic and right up my alley when it comes to appearance. I will probably go back to the sketch pad soon and expand upon what was built for this program. My head fills with dreamy ideas quite often and I can’t think of anything I’d like more than to be at center stage in a popular drinking and eating establishment somewhere. This brings up a problem, though. I have not lived my life planning for the future and now sit here as a dead-end on the world’s financial infrastructure. A black hole, to be sure. Short of some winning ticket or other unexpected and miraculous windfall, I won’t be building anything, ever. This is depressing, yet I made those choices with my eyes open and nary a concern for what may come next in life. The big houses I drew, the restaurant, and any number of other ‘things’ I wanted to do when I was younger are just not going to happen. I still dream about the restaurant, though. I can’t help it. My mind is always calculating something nice when I see interesting fictional places on television. Ugh. The damaging dreams have a better chance of coming true than anything in the above paragraph. That just sucks out loud and right down to the ground. God damn is that kid on the show ever fucking hideous. Whatever. Well, I moved the table a few inches to the left and repositioned both displays. I believe this will work fine when the third arrives. Ah, shit... We’ve got a shitload of vampires at a ‘tolerance’ rally. Heh. And I just recalled the feeling in this office way back years ago when I had the old computer with twin displays. I used to shut off the entertainment in the living room to come work in here, and the media followed (mostly the second show back then). Once the show was running, I felt this warmth inside due to being within my element and comfort zone. Now I can be in it every day of the week. I don’t know how long ago that feeling began, but it’s been many years. I believe working full-time each week back then forced the office time to shine that much more. I can’t say the shine has faded, either. Even after nearly three years of being home every day, I still appreciate every fucking second of it. And I think the early mornings are still my favorite. This is such an improvement over the laptop. Awesome. I’ve become pretty damned desperate when it comes to certain sights. This afternoon has shown me the lengths to which I will go in order to gain some information that I can retain and analyze later. This is not good by any stretch. 0702, Thursday morning. The office is peaceful and quiet. I have hot coffee and the next couple of hours to relax and think. Naturally, my friends are up there on the second display keeping me company, all exotic and psychotic. The plan is to spend as much time as possible right here at the machine. This is the best place for me to analyze. After realizing that I’ve become willing to stretch some situations in order to see what I so desperately need to see, the feeling now is that I need to be in this chair and working on myself as often as possible. Things are getting worse, believe me. The obsession has driven me in directions better left out of this content. Oh, boy. This show sometimes. Going back to the restaurant discussion, I believe it stemmed from all those trips to Nevada when I was young and being told of the proper way for entertaining people, as well as being instructed to look loyally and show respect to the right type of establishments. From a very young age I had been exposed to numerous hotels and restaurants, many of which were above the four-star level, if you know what I mean. My grandfather had pretty expensive taste back then and brought me along quite often, especially when he wanted to whisk us away for a few days in his airplane. With barely an hour’s notice, I was pulled from school for ‘family’ reasons and a short time later found myself strolling the casino. Anyway, the entire restaurant idea and subsequent drawings came about due in part to places near home and those further away that were visited less often. I saw many exotic places over the years and the images I took away from all of them inspired me to design, much like the rock house’s influence upon my desire to run my own business. I could list those places that had the most impact upon my dreams, but I believe very few actually remain standing in these late days. Another push was watching two of my favorite programs over the years. There were numerous locations for shooting scenes which were actual working restaurants and bars. Those stuck with me, as well. I still dream about something like this in my future. I realize dreaming is futile, too. I know it. Those visions of a place such as I’d like to own still come around almost daily even though I understand just where I am in the world. I am going back and forth between dreams of beauty and those of a restaurant. This has been happening more often lately than in the past. I suppose watching some of the television programs continues to shove those ideas into my head because I am always open to something new. I see the woodwork or some stained glass and my brain begins to draw pictures almost immediately. There are often comments, too. Out loud. Oh, Nora. Here we go again. You are one of the most beautiful I’ve ever seen and I love you. This is the beginning of more than an entire season of her loveliness and exotic features right there for me to stare. Splendid. There it is... I switched from woodwork to God’s work. Heh. Today will be much like yesterday, except no moving the refrigerator. I’d like to focus on the office after doing my daily housework. I need to clean off the table and dust a bit before the third display arrives, plus I want to ensure all of the cabling is up off the floor. The idea to rearrange furniture can be explored, as well, not to mention streamlining the items stored in this room. The control center must be the focus in this room. Everything else should remain nice and neat in order to maintain said focus. I also have the dry cleaning which has been waiting all week. I can take care of it today and make sure everything is ready for next week. The other work I need to do is to bring each car to the test center up the highway in order to renew the registrations. I am going to take one care up there in less than an hour just to get it out of the way. My car can be done anytime. I may bring one after the other, though. The timing of both due in the same year is very unusual, yet I still have to deal with it. A few hours’ time and everything will be finished. Today should be perfect for that. In and around my other stuff, I’ll probably be right here with my nutcase friends keeping me company. There is but a single vampire within the Authority – aside from Nora, of course – who is worth a shit and who does not annoy the hell out of me. Nora is a chancellor, too, yet she is balanced and beautiful. The rest are just fucking horrible. Only Salome is reasonably cool. Just a thought. The guy in charge – Roman – is all fucked up, yet the actor plays it well. Just don’t fuck with Nora my love.
That was one badass woman
The sinful realm is still holding me. I am captive. One of these days I will finally swear fealty to the power of that place and shove all my chips to the center of the table. That is where things may finally go aslant much further than I can handle. I am inside the realm; feeding it. I am perpetuating the superlatives within. I’ve been full of sinful thoughts and dreams; planning situations that cannot come to pass, most of all that girl in the electronics store and the way she relates to the subject of recent visions. I can’t be clearer than that right now. Memories are also driving me in sinful directions. I can still picture the incredible view of Ashley when I emerged from her bathroom in the middle of the night, and the fact that she may have been the first example of the sin which led to my current mindset. I keep seeing certain forms over and over in my mind no matter what I may be doing at the time. More recent memories have had a hand in driving me to imagine some of the amazing forms in impossible situations. I see faces, hear certain words, and picture those moments again and again, eventually finding myself almost completely insane. I don’t believe I have any recourse right now. The condition of my head is saturated with imagery and sinful thinking. The girl in the store was the latest catalyst of much of the difficulty going through my brain this morning. A few mornings, actually. All I can do is go through the motions and attempt to distract myself from seeing everything I really don’t need to see, most notably those beautiful lines. When I brought up the restaurant/bar ideas and plans, I was trying to push everything else away so I could carry on writing without losing my fucking mind. It worked for a while, but now I keep recalling the store and my need to see all the beauty that girl carried, most likely unknowing of her power. The sight and subsequent yearning nearly crippled me. The restaurant dream does not have near the pull of the obsession. Not even close. The sun is shining again. Last night after hitting the sheets, I heard rain on the roof. This house has a vast attic, so to hear raindrops up there through the roof means it was pretty damned heavy. This morning there is not much wetness left outside, meaning the storm was minor just as stated in the forecast. The wind wasn’t too bad, either. I believe we are in for a long dry spell from here forward. I can work more in the garage and yard as a result of the storm cycle ending. I will probably still spend lots of time right here, though. I love this setup and the comfort it has added to my days. She was wearing black yoga pants. I needed to trace her lines upon first sight. I know they are in there, too. I KNOW it. I have to see them, trace them, worship everything she has displayed. The most recent vision was enough to send me spiraling down a rabbit hole of sinful thinking; yearning. The pants define everything and hide nothing. Sometimes the lines are on display, while other times I have to use my imagination, but in either case I already know what is going on inside them. Everything is right fucking there, just like the girl at the store two days ago. Her lines were incredible and I have rarely seen their equal in person. Jesus fuck already, something has to happen. I still don’t know her name. Maybe I’ll call her Julie just like the one I created in fiction. Oh, and I am referring to two different people in this paragraph, by the way. The yoga pants were not in the store. Those were jeans, yet they were also black. God damn was that girl ever tiny. The yoga pants were elsewhere and represented the very issue within the title of this whack-job of an entry. I cannot say more. No one is listening, anyway. Fuck it. In some ways, I can say more. Despite a definitive and painful lack of understanding ears (and don’t get me started with what that actually means), I can still sit here and spout over and over regarding what I’ve seen and the feelings inside that drive this keyboard. I need to see the lines so badly that sometimes I can’t function. That is not bullshit, either. The need is overpowering and often leaves me standing in the middle of the living room staring without focus. That type of situation comes up too often for me to believe anything else besides the fact that my obsession has grown out of control and became directly related to physical desire the moment I saw that girl at the pool raise her knees. I recall that vision almost daily. I have no reason to deny the idea that my very first thought when she performed that maneuver was to gently lower my face to her labia. Crucify me; I don’t give a shit anymore, and I also believe such a thought is perfectly natural for a human being. Do you disagree? You’re lying to yourself. Figure it out already. Appearance leads to desire more often than not. The evidence is everywhere. I saw the girl in the black yoga pants and my brain immediately descended into her clothing. That is how my mind works as a result of too many causes to list here. The one in the store two days ago? Oh... There was much more. She was standing beautifully and dead-centered within the sinful realm. Just believe it. I wanted her. And I need some fucking help. 0943. I have yet to do anything aside from sitting here because the house must remain nice and quiet. Pam’s backstory is amazing, stirring and beautiful. Just a thought. Anyway, I’ll get to the beginning of the routine in a little while, afterward traveling to the gas station to take care of the smog test. I need not be in a hurry for anything during most days and today is no different. My time is free and wonderful. I dreamed of being free of work for many years, and believe me when I say I appreciate this situation every single day. Jesus fucking Christ does Salome ever have beautiful breasts. Wow. Their shape and the direction her areolae are pointing are absolutely amazing. Holy shit. Too bad she’s a chancellor within the Authority and full of agendas. Whatever. She looks good, that’s all. Where was I? Ah... Being home all the time. When I said I appreciate this living condition every day, I meant it. Regardless of whatever difficulty or trauma I may be experiencing at a given time, the days here at home are still rewarding on some level. I’d rather be all fucked up here than out there working somewhere. At least I can explore everything. And as I said before, the routine will kick off soon, and then perhaps I can take care of the car prior to doing any dry cleaning. Yoga pants. I am a crazy person. Next to me on the table is a big glass of icy whiskey. Marvelous. The alcohol is nothing more than another step into the black. Moreover, watching this show does not allow me to steer my mind away from beauty. It actually causes everything to flare up. Um... Nora? That’s right. I may love that woman, but that does not mean I am above wanting her, too. In every way, to be sure. Holy fuck was this computer ever worth the wait. I love it. I needed it. I am going to spend as much time as possible in this chair because of it. Nice. This is one positive in my sea of negatives. This machine is so powerful and smooth that I am still reeling from the way it operates, not to mention the fact that it can drive three displays without breaking a sweat. I believe the configuration I chose is overpowered for my needs, but honestly I wanted a machine that could run smoothly no matter what I may throw at it, plus have the ability to expand in the future if necessary. The laptop is great, but the motherboard cannot be changed and the RAM is at the limit. The more the software grows, the less that computer will be able to handle it. The laptop is much like a cellular phone in that respect. The hardware becomes unchangeable and eventually advances so much that the phone needs to be replaced. This desktop machine can be upgraded until the cows come home, if necessary. Heh. The time is now 1045 and I have yet to do anything but sit here and type. I’ve been in front of the keyboard for four hours now, but thanks to the comfort of my chair and this fantastic keyboard, I am not fatigued in any way (well, mentally fucked up, though). My glasses are designed for computer work, too. That means I need not worry about eye-fatigue, thank the maker. I keep seeing those pants moving away from where I had been viewing and want her more and more with the passing of every hour. The tiny beauty in the store is also making inroads to my brain. She was just standing there by the home theatre kiosk, nothing more. Standing. She just happened to have been positioned with feet together and every fucking line showing my eyes exactly what they yearned to see. Well, somewhat. The truth is she was clothed, so not everything was apparent. Oh, but I knew. I’ve seen the lines of the universe right before my eyes on a few occasions, and considering the sheer level of obsessive study, these days I know full well what is going on inside those stirring pants. Those Authority assholes have hurt Nora. She will recover, though. Oh God, how I wish she would hold me and listen for a thousand years. I love her so much. Nora is the absolute most striking example of that face trait that I still cannot describe. She may have actually been the beginning of it. I can’t be sure, however. But wow, what a unique beauty. Love is often not strong enough of a term. And fuck me in a meadow, here come the faeries right out of a space which could be defined as ‘folded’. Just what I needed (not). This show is amazing. Oy, and Morella the dark beauty. This is what I would refer to as obsession overload. Thank goodness the scene was cut and went back to the principal character. I don’t like her one bit, but the cut helps. And? End of line."
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