March 19th,2023 8:15am pdt If you are visiting for the first time, go to the beginning. Fortification Born Holyform read ( words) "‘I lost my pencil... Up his ass.’ Thank you, Carm. Awesome. Bless her. Wednesday, for whatever it may be worth. 'Compared with the everyday reality of sex and emotion, our fantasies of gratification are pompous and solemn in the extreme. For desire is like Christmas: It always promises more than it delivers.' -- Lee Siegel I went back in time again, to when my parents first acquired the calibration business from my dad’s buddies in the RF industry. You know, that other aspect of Silicon Valley of which very few seem to be aware... The mighty defense electronics industry. Working for my parents does not mean everything was covered in gravy, but at the same time I can say in all confidence that it was the best job I’ve ever held, and that includes my involvement within the space program. Yep, it was the best. Before I get all pissed off, I will go one step further and then let the subject go for the time being. That step is the fact that we worked to support those companies that were engaged in national security. The calibration and repair work I performed on very complex equipment and for a short time was directly related to the electronic countermeasures used by military aircraft, nuclear missile guidance, and the future of covert military communication systems. I fucking loved being there every day and felt important, even more than standing and walking tall when I was supporting the space program. I used to be so capable. That period now seems so far in the past that I don’t even understand it. Do you remember 'Phase Lock'? Same part of my history. I still love her, too. Shut up. I continue to yearn for a vision but they don’t help me. I sit here and write and it doesn’t help me. I continue to enjoy the morning cocktail each day and it doesn’t help me. I scour the Net for images to include in each entry and the process doesn’t help me. At least I have some coffee. What is helping? What is keeping me in this chair? The possibility of seeing her? Someone else? I don’t know. Help? I don’t know that one, either. The truth is I don’t have the first damned clue as to the reason for any of this. Maybe I’ve become accustomed to the process of sitting here typing. I keep glancing toward the left display and seeing the face of the model that has graced several entries from the last few weeks. I can’t believe her appearance. Looking at her does not help me, though. Quite the reverse, actually. It hurts, deeply. I keep glancing, however, because I am a basket case and desperate to see anything that stirs my soul. And she does more than any image for a very long time. Wait... Do I even have a soul? Anyway, the last time I was moved almost to tears by an image was Daria some months ago. None of this shit is good for me in any way, but like the morning cocktail, has become a need beyond comprehension. I’ll take care of the typical stuff this morning once the coffee is gone. My last cup is here on the table just below the gangsters. Yesterday I went through all my emergency stuff and reorganized everything. I also streamlined the equipment in the shoulder bag. My efforts in this office have paid off with empty space and lots of things that are now easier to locate should the need arise. I will probably continue in such a vein until satisfied with the results. I have two loads of dry cleaning, as well, and if the weather does indeed remain dry until evening, I can have everything in order by the end of business hours. Once again, dinner will be a fairly simple chore. My daily routine is finished now and I have the requisite (becoming necessary) icy glass of whiskey to my right and just below the media of choice. I am planning to remain in the office for a few hours today, in and around which I will take care of the dry cleaning. I noticed that the video becomes choppy once it’s been playing for a few hours, and after a bit of research learned that the cache must be dumped every now and then. Interesting. I never knew that one. God damn is Joseph Siravo fantastic, rest his soul. I love it. Anyway, there is not much to do today unless I break out of this slump and attack something. Right now I don’t see it happening unless a burst of motivation comes from the sky and slaps me upside the head. Today is just another day full of turmoil and feelings of loss. The first load of dry cleaning is running and I am timing it with my phone. ‘Well, let's run a thousand volts through that thing and see how it holds up.’ Atta boy, Doug. I go back to the calibration era more often now than I did years ago because I miss it. Not just the girl, but the complete atmosphere in the lab combined with visiting different companies when I did pick-ups and deliveries of their equipment. Now that lunch is out of the way, I have the second and final load of dry cleaning running. Once it is finished, I can do whatever seems best. Or? Nothing much at all. The rest of the day is dependent upon my feelings and ability to keep my head up. For whatever reason, everything from the early part of the week has been severely suppressed. Maybe my reminiscing and housework have succeeded in pushing all the issues away for a while. Listing my watch for auction has likely had a hand in this, too. I even prepared everything necessary for packing and shipping. Friday, mid-morning. The last two days have been very convoluted. Part of it was the weather, mostly yesterday, and my head being buried inside the map combined with memories of places I have visited in the past. I keep going over and over the idea of a road trip – as you may well know by now – and sometimes I get lost in route planning and ideas for places to spend the night and perhaps have a meal or two. Yesterday? I was all the way in, for lack of a better phrase. While the weather went insane, I sat in this chair and watched the action through my window while browsing map after map. I was right here for hours. Just prior to close of business hours, the power went off. I had to gather some emergency equipment in case it remained off through the night. Fortunately, the outage was just over an hour, and that meant the house didn’t even cool very much. The connection that did remain off, however, was the Internet access. It was out all evening and returned sometime during the night. I played a disc to have something in the background while preparing dinner. The very positive aspect of yesterday was a call from the dealership informing me that my car was ready to be picked up. That was a boost, for sure. After riding together early this morning, I am pleased to see my car in the driveway where it belongs. I also went to the market a while ago for a few items. Today marks the first in nearly four weeks in which I left the house. Naturally, there was some sort of Asian genetic fluke in the store wearing you-know-what and appearing as if she arrived from another planet. Very out of place, that beauty. I averted my eyes and went on about my business, but not before gazing at lines up the fucking wazoo. Sometimes I just can’t fucking deal with it. The only other jab since Wednesday was a vision of the morsel and her adorable smile. Wait... Is that girl real? You know. Regardless of whether or not she exists, I can say that to see her like I did was amazing. I needed her arms around me. Actually, I needed one hell of a lot more than that. My downhill slide continues. I have the routine finished today and very little on the schedule. Prior to the storm slamming us yesterday, I opted to move a few things from the backyard to the garage. My work paid off because once the wind began to gust, I realized the patio would have suffered. The storm was once again very harsh. Yesterday has me in desperate need of some peace and quiet, so today shall be very mellow. I am pretty fucked up right now, so nothing is off-limits. I need comfort. ‘Fuckin nosy? Eat your Manicott!’ Ah... Rosalie. I’m considering ordering a pizza to be delivered. For reasons of good form, I may opt for something I can make in the kitchen, though. Right now I can’t make up my mind. Eh... I just did. Pizza will be delivered soon. I need comfort food and my only other idea for lunch was not going to provide quite what I need right now. That is that. Now that the car is home and I don’t have anything pressing on the schedule, the feeling is that I need to stay comfortable and keep an eye on the weather. When my little world is out of order, even for the tiniest reason, my head often reacts enough to upset my stomach most days. After dealing with the repair, taking a trip over the hill to shop or having to work around the house both seem very straightforward, whereas prior to the car breaking down everything felt pretty tough. I need the holyform to understand what’s been happening in my head, yet considering the way of the world, such a wonder is all but impossible. Saturday morning with coffee, my show, and all manner of concern inside my head. I was upset with an episode of the current series last night and spoke a bit, only to find myself feeling completely alone in my opinion and worried that such a situation is not the only way I’ve isolated myself lately. I believe now that I’ve slept, everything will appear a bit lighter and quite different than last night. And no, I wasn’t full of booze. I was simply upset because I felt that they had been employing manipulative scripting for the shock value. Early this morning I learned that I am in the minority, meaning my perception of what had been taking place in that setting was way off. This is not good, but whatever. I understand. The answer is simple and will allow me to relax and enjoy the evenings regardless of such a setback. I am simply going to remain quiet and, like many other aspects of living these days, keep everything inside. The truth is I believe I’ve become skewed enough to actually cause issues for other people while thinking that I am either helping or offering good information. All I see right now is another big step down the ladder into my waiting basement, and this one actually has nothing to do with beauty. Interesting. So, a decrease in words coming out of my mouth with an equal increase in the number flying off this keyboard. This is one of those times when I believe the lack of ears is a good thing. Save yourselves. I’ll have to consider options for dealing with this type of shit. I’m not accustomed to realizing such a lack of connection to anything deeply important to me. ‘Fuckin intanet’. Yep. I get it, Tony. After the shit earlier this week, I decided to keep everything to myself (much like what I mentioned above) because no matter what I write, someone is going to have a problem with it or possibly try to slam me. Well, now I am considering the staff’s words within the ‘about’ section of the site regarding domain ownership and unrestricted content. Perhaps I am going about the situation in the wrong way. Sometimes when I become angry and there is no recourse whatsoever, I end up removing people’s ability to read this crap. I don’t know why. Maybe I just feel that I have to do something rather than simply sitting on the issue. This type of thinking is what leads me to become angry, too. I do not work well with unsolvable problems or dead-end circumstances. I am the last person to sit here and consider myself above making mistakes. Anyway, I may have to release everything once again and see what happens. The only other option besides making the content private is to move all my shit to another domain and start from scratch. I have very few ideas that seem appealing right now. The way I see things this morning, I will likely be working on a solution to this problem quite a bit today. Aside from my daily work, I’ll have lots of time for thinking. The high holyform was haunting well into yesterday after the vision on Thursday. The incident was far from what took place months ago, yet still my head wrapped itself around her loveliness and I fell down like always. All I can think about is how the holyforms relate to last year, the force which hits me almost daily as a result, and what the future may have in store for such a weakened person. I don’t have a clue, although there is an inkling that nothing good can be on the horizon at this point in time, especially considering my realization from last night. That was bad, too. I must remember to keep everything locked away because no matter what I’ve tried, the resulting feelings continue to be born of the negative material plane, and that is a place over which I have zero power or control. I am not necessarily a bad person, yet I also must say that I don’t feel like a particularly good person right now. Either way, at least the emotion is entirely up to me. This situation rather sucks these days. So, I believe trying to liquidate a few things is my best plan of action right now. Everything I’d like to do and each place I want to visit all come down to the subject of money. This machine, the laptop and my camera need be the only three current interests and everything else can go away. The priorities and hobbies have to remain limited in the interest of generating cash for the future, whatever that may be. I have one wristwatch listed right now and will put another one up for grabs later today. Between the two, I should be able to care for a few things that are more important. The other watches are either not worth very much or keepsakes, so they will stay with me. My collecting days in such a vein are over. I’ll have one ‘dressy’ watch, one for outdoor excursions, and the rest shall live in the display box. That is that. As for anything else which can yield money, I’ll have to look around. I’ll be thinking about this stuff later as I take care of the usual housework. I have the last cup of coffee next to me. Once it is gone, I’ll probably move away from this and work around the house a bit. And there it is... The lot of my existence anymore. God damn do I ever feel like a fraction of what I had been. The definition is so far removed after all this time that I can barely understand how I accomplished most of what took place in the past. Later. The daily routine is half finished because one of the cats decided to sleep in the spare bedroom, meaning I chose not to disturb him for cleaning. I’ll take care of that room in a little while. I have the next few hours to myself, too. The house is quiet and I have my program on the right-hand display for the time being. I am planning to spend a good portion of the day right here in this chair. And now I took care of the other half of my routine thanks to the cat leaving the bedroom. Aside from any extraneous activities or other ideas, my work for this portion of the day is finished. I am reheating some lunch, too. The weather is changeable right now. Lots of heavy drizzle. I am planning to leave the backyard as it is until we have a long dry spell. The temperature is a tad warmer than the last several days so I can tool around in the garage after lunch if I wish. The key decision today was to avoid joining her for a shopping trip. Christ knows what I may have seen out there, and considering the depth of my disability over the holyforms lately, spending time in the fold of society could result in more bad than good. The only plan I have right now is to visit the big phone store over the hill on Tuesday to trade in my old device. Other than that, I’ll be back in the custom of little trips to the wine store or market if necessary. None of that will take place today, though. I really need to be right here in the house for the duration. I may venture to the garage for a while because it’s not very cold out there today. If the mercury remains up, I’ll try to begin the electrical work for my Christmas light receptacle and a changeover from AC to DC for one of the murals. Lots of options exist when the weather is mild. I’ll have to think about this for a while prior to deciding upon my path. Very dark outside this morning. The rain has been falling since the middle of the night and everything is once again saturated. The forecast displays rain all the way from this afternoon through tomorrow and into Tuesday. Wow. I can hear it on the roof, too. That’s pretty hefty rainfall. This being Sunday means I have my typical stuff to do once the coffee is gone. I’ll be in the kitchen in an hour or so making pancakes again, after which I’ll evaluate the best time to take care of the dry cleaning and garbage so it coincides with a break in the rain. The clock traveled back an hour this morning, too. That may truncate my day a bit. Right now I have my coffee and the show. I took care of the cats this morning, as well, which means they are probably into nap time by now. Those little guys need their beauty sleep. Last year’s problem has caused me to speed up efforts in fortifying, if only to make me feel better. What problem? Figure it out. Between that crap and the damaging dreams, I’ve further withdrawn and have less desire to be in contact with people than even a few months ago. For example, I was met outside by someone the other day, and I noticed almost immediately that the sound of another person’s voice near to my house seemed completely alien. I spend so much time alone that the only feeling is that I need even more time alone, if that makes any sense. The issue from a year ago weighs heavily on my mind each day and there does not seem to be any way to alleviate concerns. The fact that there is a part of the ‘help’ equation missing and I can’t go into what it is or why accomplishes nothing more than to keep me clammed up and bottled in a strong compression. It is worsening. Sometimes I feel that I should not have spoken to anyone since the outset of fifteen. That was a very bad time and caused me to reach, although now I am regretting everything that has transpired in more than eight years. The problem I began to notice last year may be related, as well. Right now I can’t be certain. The simplicity of my statement about the last eight years is paramount. The only aspect of life which has been served through my contact with people is knowing each occasion has been a mistake. The first time the final solution had come to mind was nearly twenty years ago. I keep thinking that if that plan had worked after Ashley went back to her life and told me to go home, lots of people could have been spared my shit. All I can do is try to generate money, and in doing so I will increase the feeling of fortification that is becoming more important now than ever. I need it. There have been problems ever since I decided to go over ‘there’ and try something. That was a long time ago, too. I think about it every day, not to mention the other several occasions when I skipped town and told no one of my plans. I believe I caused enough issues in my life to feel the aforementioned solution was the only way for me to be content without screwing-over other people. Well, in a manner of speaking, anyway. The trade was one step in favor of many. The issues with those many steps cannot be overstated, even all these years later. I still think about all of it daily, yet shy away from the topic here because I’ve railroaded it plenty throughout the last few years. Believe it or not, I still wish I was ‘there’. No getting around that one. I am not referring to Ashley, either. Figure it out. No names. The time is after nine already, thanks to the end of standard. I need to move out of this office soon and take care of some Sunday business. My whiskey is enjoying a new glass. Usually, I drink from either the JD Vegas glass or the Lucky Shot, which has a bullet in the side. Right now I have the Goose version which has a void at the bottom, plus a goose embossed in the underside, which does not touch the coaster. Only the outside diameter – which is fairly thick – contacts whatever the glass may be perched upon. It is heavy and reminds me of the seventies. Very nice. I have the garbage out of the house and my daily routine finished at just after noon. The weather is still switching back and forth from drizzle to rain, meaning I’ll be spending most of the day inside the house aside from breaks. Uh oh, Jennifer is about to slam a full shot of Belvedere. Yikes. Anyway, my head has benefited from lots of distractions today. That means I’ve not been dwelling upon the high holyform or any other visions. Now that the bulk of my midday work is complete, I’m pointing toward the PTC for part of the afternoon. Wow, the rain is very strong right now. Anyway, for the remainder of business hours today, I plan to have lunch at some point and then tool around in my garage for a little while and see what can be tossed into the trash. Each week, one of my ambitions is to ensure that the gray can is completely full. There is always something which can go out the door never to return. The less we own, the less weight is upon individual shoulders. These days, I need additional shit on my head like I need Satan’s fucking pitchfork up my ass. Wait... Am I angry? You betcha. Always. The mood makes me want to fortify. One stage of the day will lead to another, as I don’t typically spend an entire Sunday on the computer. Ok, I have a plan for the early part of the afternoon. I have the phone connected to this machine so I can update my playlists. Once it is finished, I’ll transition to the garage and take care of the dry cleaning. Once that is underway, I need to organize a few things and finalize the garbage. My mood is such that I need to head out there with some loud music to connect with the past and clarify my feelings. That may sound strange, but to be honest, after the last few weeks of problems and other shit that came my way, I have to return to the roots of the aughts and embrace the only power I have left. Here I sit in the afternoon. Visions have been flowing like two-bit whores at every step of my work today. I no longer have much strength in trying to extricate the imagery from my head during the day. I can’t fucking help it because my situation has been worsening by the day. I see everything that I saw, if that makes any sense. Sometimes I hit the booze a little earlier than my typical schedule, and the result is my switching from video media to music. That helps, sometimes. The music of life carries its own issues, however, and some are worse than the visions. All I can do is keep going and see what happens. Wow. This morning has been tedious, yet rewarding. Busy, too. I am overjoyed to finally have some time to sit here and think. I’ve been fairly productive up to this point thanks to some motivation through the weekend. Oksana has beautiful hands and fingers. They are most pronounced in a few key shots but not often. This episode displays both her hands from one specific angle and they appear amazing. I love the way her fingers look in certain positions. What was I saying? Ah... The deep need for peace and quiet today combined with as much time as I desire sitting at the control center. This process is both good and bad, however. I never know what type of morning is in store for me until working here for a little while. I need to build, damn it. No more of this tooling around and not thinking clearly, and then staring at everything as if there can be no solid direction. I’ve been rolling through the days from such a standpoint for too long. I need to fortify. And a bit of Cameron... ‘I am not going to sit on my ass... As the events that affect me unfold to determine the course of my life. I’m gonna take a stand.’ Thanks, buddy. That’s an old one, yet it is still relevant after all this time. My situation is unlike what Cameron was referencing. The connection is the fact that he felt weak and ineffective with regard to one specific aspect of his life. I feel similarly, yet with more than one part of life. Building is always helpful, too. When I begin to fall down, there is always a split-second when my head can recover by changing direction toward the positive; even just a little. Last week there were several days when I reached that point and took the easy way forward rather than fortifying. I sidestepped many ideas. That type of behavior is born of decision making, honestly. Everything around this house boils down to a decision. Today I have decided to build. In a little while I’ll take care of half the routine and then visit the shopping center to the north, and upon returning I’ll have to take the other set of rails through this day. Monday is perfect for creating a line. Mid-morning. I have to head out after lunch to visit the goddess market and cigarette store, although I may opt for the little dairy around the corner. Since I have to head over the hill tomorrow to trade in my old phone, I might wait until then to do everything in one loop. I can grab one pack of cigarettes today that will tide me over until then. If I wait until tomorrow to do the shopping, perhaps I can relax at one of my favorite places for a nice lunch while out. I’ll figure it out by the time my morning cocktail is gone. And there is Nicole, the slender sister. My daily business is finished aside from drying the dishes. They can drip for a while before I transition out of this office for some straightening and laundry. The gardeners are here. Very nice. Fortification. Hmm. Generating cash and ensuring things are in order in case the shit hits the fan (hard) has become very important to me lately. I’ve already streamlined some of our emergency supplies, too. The shoulder bag is ready to go, as is part of the other bag we keep in the garage. I need to update that one, though. Maybe I should pour a nice glass of the foggy blue and put on some music. Heh. No. Later. I went to both stores in the interest of easing my day tomorrow. Everything was fine and I didn’t see anything like months ago, thank goodness. Now I have laundry in the washer and a few other items to finish, everything now seemingly easier due to the shopping being done already. My free time is in full swing just as I had hoped, yet my insides are unable to accomplish anything positive. All I have is the housework. I can see the weather ramping up outside again, and this is supposedly the twelfth storm of decent power since January. The backyard still has pools of water from last Thursday, too. That means the levels have not had adequate time to recede prior to this latest forecast. Looks like I picked the wrong day for an appointment to trade my phone. Maybe I’ll postpone it for two days. Ah... Better. The weather should have improved by then. If not, I’ll go in the rain. Whatever. The laundry is finished and I have everything ready for dinner. Tuesday morning has arrived with zero fanfare for the common webmaster (if anyone even uses such a term these days). The weather outside is frightful this morning. Everything is quite dark and the wind is gusting all over the place. Sideways rain went into my ear when I stepped out the door for a moment. Yesterday went ok I guess. I took care of everything that had been planned, plus I made revolutions for dinner tonight at the same time. The shopping is out of the way thanks to having my car again, meaning I need not leave the house today. I can remain here and enjoy watching the crazy weather through my window or from the garage. I’d like to spend more time listing another watch today because the first one will sell in a few hours and I need to keep the train rolling while pulling down some funds. Since the weather is a bit nuts right now, I’ll probably remain indoors as much as possible. I can work on the auctions, streamline the office, and take care of whatever else seems best. In a little bit, I’m going to see if I can open the big garage door without issue. Usually it’s fine as long as I leave the smaller door to the backyard closed. Both of them open results in a hell of a wind ‘tunnel’ through the area. Not good. I think I’ll head out there right now and see how the roof drainage is doing. Yikes, the wind is out of control. One minute it is steady, and the next there are gusts. The rain is lighter, though. My backyard is flooded just as I had suspected. At least I have the garage open so I can enjoy the show when taking a break out there. I guess the wind is going to taper off this afternoon. I’m never worried about the water because we are not near any creeks, but the wind can threaten the tree in our front yard. It’s pretty fucking tall. My car is in the driveway just in case. I need to make sure things are charged just in case the power goes off again. Ugh. Worse? The fuckin intanet could go down. Thankfully, the bulk of the gusting winds are coming from the south, meaning I can leave the big door open. My three huge vodka bottles have to remain off their lighted platform, though. I can’t risk them being damaged. Jamie is on the screen. Oh, my. Nicole, too, God bless her sad eyes. Maybe she will hold me. The fortification shall continue today. Whatever I can accomplish inside the house or garage can contribute to – and possibly improve – my mood of late. I need to know that my little apple cart stays upright. I don’t even want little bumps. The high holyform enters my head and enough points throughout each day that I need to direct my head toward anything productive just to make my way through the hours. She is a fucking dream and there is no getting around such a fact anymore. She is the focus right now, just like others in the past. Not one of them has pulled at me with such power, however. Her form is holy and I worship it. The work today has to lead to both an evening of comfort and some way for me to push her form out of my head, even just for a short time. I believe the auctions are helping, as are my efforts in maintaining the house on a daily basis. Regardless of how much I need to push myself to find motivation, the fact is that whether a weekday is good or bad, when I reach the close of business hours with some things completed (or improved), everything feels better and I tend to dwell upon her less. I suppose much of it is to distract myself from dreaming of things I cannot possess or situations which will forever be impossible. All that shit damages me. I have to try. When the coffee is gone, I’ll begin with my routine and then branch out from there. Unrelated? I think the neighbors two doors up the street have an au pair. Wow. The girl has a hell of a time parallel parking, too. Heh. Whatever. I see her all the time. The other one? Is she real? I believe you already know the next question. Ask it again. I just realized that my garage camera relies upon an extension cord; the very same that I need for the hot pot in the dining room. That reminds me of the power situation in the garage. I have to run a line for the camera and then branch off to install a weatherproof receptacle under the eave for Christmas lights. I haven’t touched that project yet. Maybe if the weather threatens my open door, I can close it and work out there for a while. The job will be a pain, but it needs to be done for my peace of mind. The past visions catch up to me daily. I’ve seen far more than I can handle, honestly. I’ve seen lines and breasts and clothing that drives me insane. I still can’t believe her form. Oh, and the smile. And her voice. Real? Well, that doesn’t matter anymore. She is real enough to me and I’ve seen plenty for a lifetime of daydreaming. Like I used to say about Andrea, I need all of her all over all of me, grammar be damned. I don’t care because she is all the way up and I worship her form. Worship is unhealthy unless coming from a standpoint of religion. My mental and emotional stability become upended with each sighting. Believe it. My brain is derailed every fucking time and I can barely deal with the situation. Life is heeled over and I fear it may turn upside down very soon. The fortification must proceed unimpeded or I’ll lose my shit. Well, I am into the mid-morning and my daily housework routine is finished. I am not going to run any laundry today, though, because the wind is still gusting and I fear the power will shut down. The furnace is on schedule right now rather than warming the house because I don’t want it running if we indeed lose power. This type of situation helps me to relax about the holyform. It really does. There are larger concerns between the wind and power situation, not to mention the possibility of losing the Internet again. There is plenty of battery power available for such an event, so if the shit hits the fan like last week, I can transfer the video media to my phone. The battery in that device is good for two days of operation between charges, and my wireless MDRs can run for upwards of forty hours without the need to plug in. At least the rain has eased up a bit. There is mostly drizzle right now but it is going sideways at a hell of an angle due to the wind. I am still worried about the tree, too. My neighbor looked at it during the previous storm and expressed all confidence that it is far too strong to come down or fracture. That helps. I just caught an update stating that the high wind warning will be in effect until eleven tonight. It is gusting to near seventy miles per hour. Yikes. If necessary, I’ll switch to emergency mode soon. I don’t mind because the house is always prepared, plus my power situation can be dealt with fairly easily. I feel very weak due to having such a need to have the media keeping me company, to be honest. The fact is my lifestyle has changed since the outset of the pandemic and harks back to the Midwest when my friends and family kept me company while home on weekdays. No matter how bad the weather may become, I always have a plan. I suppose there is nothing wrong with being prepared, even considering how badly I would react to a lack of my choice of entertainment. I was born in the sixties, but still identify myself as a ‘child of the seventies’. That grew from television. However I may be viewed for such a stance, the need is such that I don’t fucking care. And speaking of ‘need’, there is a big glass of whiskey perched just below the gangsters. Ho-ly fuck is the wind ever strong. It’s a miracle the power is still holding on. I’m ready, just in case. The time is still early, but I’m having lunch now so I can move to the garage and keep an eye on everything. I have some things stored atop the big cabinets, and the eave vent next to that area is suffering from excessive wind gusts. I need to get up there and make sure the materials are not getting damaged. Moreover, I always feel better when I am ‘connected’ to the weather just in case something goes wrong. I am a pretty capable person, meaning I have contingencies in mind all the time. That may have been born of the war in the east combined with tensions between China and Taiwan underpinned by our military presence in that area. Whatever the cause or hybrid mindset, I am thinking about defense and disaster every day. Do you know what that means? That’s right... The holyform and the thousand other issues in my brain have been switched off completely. Shit. I’ve been completely screwed by the auction. I was hoping that the watch would garner a higher price, but such is the risk of listing with that type of format. I’ll put the money to good use. At some point I’ll list the other one. Prior to lunch, the wind gusted so strongly that we lost two more sections of the patio cover. I had to go out there and pull one off, while the other separated itself completely and fell to the ground. Considering the way I feel today, I really don’t give a shit if the whole assembly is destroyed. So long as nothing flies into someone else’s yard, I just don’t care. The wind has been frightening, to be honest. I even found a shingle from my neighbor’s roof in my yard. Yikes. The warning is in place until late tonight. I’m looking forward to some tame weather. Wednesday, mid-morning. My routine is finished and I went to the market. After being without the car for weeks, it’s nice to have the ability to go shopping when need be. The weather is sunny and warm today in stark contrast to yesterday’s heavy storm. I believe tomorrow will follow suit before more rain arrives. I’m hoping that the pools of water in the backyard will dry prior to the weather becoming wet again. The rest of today will be spent between the office and some laundry work. I didn’t want to run the machines yesterday for fear of the power going off during a cycle. I will also grab some images of the second watch so I can list it for auction. My expectation is better exposure this time. The other one did not fetch a high price, and that may have been due in part to my description. You’d think I would know how to provide a quality listing after more than twenty years of successful and highly-rated selling. Ugh. The second watch should not disappoint. At least I already shipped it. This afternoon I’ll be installing and connecting a new television for my neighbor, but other than that I plan to remain home. I may or may not perform some organization in the garage after lunch. Right now my need is to relax at the editor and follow along with my program on the right-hand display. I went on another journey down memory lane last night after opting for a movie that I first saw in the dome back in the seventies. I nearly went off the deep end, too, but caught myself before lamenting an entire lifestyle which disappeared. The glowing period of life is difficult to top, yet I must say that rediscovering the theatre during the late nineties ushered in another era of wonder, one that continued to shine well into the early aughts. If I sit here for the next decade in an attempt to convey the feelings for that place and all which transpired there, I would still fall short of the real vision. I don’t believe I can ever fully describe my love for arriving at that theatre at six in the morning for a showing that took place at seven in the evening. The entire experience was magical, especially during the premieres of three particular films. And yes, I said FILM. Going on a tirade about film and the past on the site is fine, but I do my best to avoid such behavior in the evening, most notably after I’ve had a few drinks. Don’t even fucking get me started. Disaster was averted last night because I know better these days. Very few people feel the way I do, meaning I need to keep my feelings to myself nearly all of the time. The memories of such a place and those times are difficult these days. Everything has changed so much that sometimes I feel there can be no more wonder. That is a sad realization. Missing such a place makes me want to fortify, believe it or not. Anger can be productive. The more I think about that part of life, the more upset I become, and generally speaking, the mood leads to improvements around the house. Or, the anger can drive me to sell items. On such a front, an evening of reminiscing is not entirely a bad thing. Maybe I’ll do more of it tonight. I can never say enough about the deep emotional connection I had with the theatre. It was amazing. Lunch is in the oven. After trying a burrito from the closest taqueria, sometimes I find it difficult to prepare lunch rather than just ordering. Heh. Good stuff. I made it to the middle of the afternoon without incident. The laundry is in process and everything else is finished. I’ll be heading to my neighbor’s house in about three hours to install her television. Dinner tonight will be a very simple process, leaving me lots of time to take it easy and try to relax. Thursday morning, 0656, and I have my nice coffee and the show. I also have fleeting memories of dreams from sometime during the night. I can’t recall situations or other details, but the feelings are in my heart. Something dramatic took place while I slept and I can’t shake the idea that the wonder of that girl was close to me, perhaps very much so. This morning my head is fighting a battle between the dreams and the glow, the latter pushing its way into me due to the holiday season being missed whenever I am reminded of it. Red and green M&Ms can’t fix everything. I wish I could remember the dreams, damn it. I need them because reality is not good anymore. I have to go to the phone store this morning to drop off my trade-in. On the return, I may or may not visit the hardware store for a few items, most notably a dimmer for the dining room light. Right now I really don’t feel like shopping, though. Maybe I’ll just do the trade-in and return home. Sometimes I don’t like being out there among society. It makes me uncomfortable. The chances of seeing something special these days have been minimized due to my vision being so fucking skewed anymore, so what may have been striking years ago is now commonplace. At least that helps when I need to go shopping. 1148. My daily routine is finished and I went to the store to drop off the old phone. The weather is nice and sunny, so perhaps after lunch I can head to the garage for a bit of organization. I also need to fabricate a support for the laundry shelves. There is a lot of weight on them these days, including one of my old speakers mounted on the top shelf. I’m sure there is no issue, yet every time I look over there, I feel that the leverage is excessive. The support will be threaded rods coupled and mounted way up on one of the trusses. Once finished, I’ll feel better about the load. I ordered lunch to be delivered and dinner is in the slow cooker. Very nice. The roast and salad plan for this evening means very little prep work and not much to the kitchen tomorrow. Despite so much rain since the beginning of the year, I am still endeavoring to save water. I don’t see any reason to be excessive with usage. ‘Captain or no captain, right now we’re just two assholes lost in the woods’. Awesome. And yes, that means my program is on the right-hand display just above a nice glass of whiskey. Today is one of those examples of my appreciation for being home. I took care of business – both up the highway and inside the house – meaning I can relax and do whatever seems most important for my remaining hours alone. Friday, prior to the early business. I fabricated the entire support for the laundry shelf and installed it yesterday afternoon. I honestly don’t have that much confidence in the upper mount, though. It’s not as stout as I’d prefer, so I may have to address it one of these days. At least I built the whole thing. Working out there was kind of nice, too, because the sun was warm and I had my program (fourth show) in the background to keep me company. I took care of the dry cleaning during the early afternoon. 0845. Last night was a toughie. I had been watching a documentary and it hit on a sensitive topic a few times and forced me to look back about fifteen years or so and recall where I was in life at the time. I need to remember to stick to fiction most of the time unless the subject matter is completely alien to me. Whenever I run across reminders of a certain period and everything with which I had been involved, sadness washes over me for a few days, if not longer. That issue goes for the space program as well as defense electronics. The latter also involves audio, but I don’t really want to get into that one today. Very bad. The feeling often sends me back in time all the way to the beginning of the glow. Once I’m there, everything turns to shit. This morning, much of the difficulty has faded, although I know it will return soon enough. 1021. I finished the early housework and I have the requisite glass of depressant next to me, and yes, it is perched just below the right-hand display where my show is running. I don’t know where this day is going to lead. The sun is shining again, meaning I could advance a few things in the garage, but I really don’t feel like working out there right now. Ah, fuck. I was just reminded of a massive part of life which has been a point of contention for more than thirty years. Well, much longer than that, actually, yet it was more heavily discussed roughly thirty-odd years ago. The topic is roughly equivalent to the huge bullshit lie from the eighties that has followed me at every step of life since the problem first developed. Now I don’t feel like a whole person for the billionth time. The keywords come to mind when I vacillate over the past, too. That is an enormous problem in and of itself, and often leaves me to realize that the only things I have left in the world are words. Yep... Words on these pages. I have zero direction anymore and spend much of my time drowning within the realization that of all the ‘things’ I wanted to do in my ‘later years’, the situation is such that the percentage of them is less than one. Frankly, I am still surprised to have revisited the Sea five years ago and lived through one hell of a fantastic week. There shall be no repeat of that unless I force it, and such a stance will result in me feeling as if I am being unfair. Maybe this should have been the content of a different paragraph. Wait... What does that matter? No one is listening anyway, not that I expect anyone to be there, honestly. I expect exactly nothing good whatsoever. This day may be taking shape. Oy, mama. Holy shit. My mood is changing, but not necessarily for the worse. I see it as an improvement. ‘Mortgage on my life’. God damn it all, anyway. Today is going to move in the most necessary direction imaginable. Saturday morning, 0848. Last night we finally swapped the motorcycles, meaning whenever I have free time I can work on the teardown process. I’m surprised we both had the time, and on the same day. Prior to that, I worked inside one of the closets and reorganized a few things in the interest of again trying to create space. Empty space, that is. Everything in the house is a cycle, meaning wherever I choose to work, eventually things move around or go into the trash for the purpose of streamlining and ending up with less clutter. Small changes lead to larger ones. I can only do a little at a time, however, because of the difficulty in making stuff disappear, much like the sections of fiberglass that blew off the patio cover. I cut them up into small squares so they fit in the trash can. That is but one example. Anyway, I have to go out to run an errand (possibly two) in a little while and will continue my housework and gradual improvements upon returning. Like always, I am very much looking forward to arriving home after being in the fold of society. Yesterday didn’t go in the direction I expected. The mood mellowed over time. Today I am feeling the same and only wish to remain here all day, but going out does provide the aforementioned reward. Pants. Light blue and very unexpected, although the produce market always carries with it a large contingent of people who wish to eat healthy. That leads to some of those visions I see at the goddess market, too. The girl I saw today caused nothing more than sadness. No desire, no obsessive gazing, just sadness. I had not seen that particular color before. Very interesting. Upon returning home, I took care of a little business and then lunch. The late afternoon was spent in the garage for a little while. I drained the tank on the bike and then cleaned up the area. Perhaps tomorrow I can look at pulling the tank off once my Sunday business is finished. Sunday, 0723. I have coffee and a view of the rainy weather outside. There is something about Ralphie’s comare in this episode. Her face is the type I would normally avoid, yet at the same time I am compelled to freeze the video and capture her for study. I can’t put my finger on any aspect that stands out aside from her nose. Hmm. Whatever. Most of the time my focus is elsewhere. You know. The point is every time this episode rolls around I see her and don’t know what to think. Cute, though. Oh, and her stomach is flat as a pancake. Just a thought. Sitting here during the early hours sometimes has me at sixes and sevens over the visions and such, meaning watching some of these programs during the morning is probably not a good idea. I do it anyway because I am a basket case. Something reminds me of the high holyform and my mind goes into a tailspin. Afterward, any little smidgen of a view on the display drives me into the ground. If my typical cycle holds, I’ll finish the coffee and then become angry over the holyform. That will lead me to fortify. And now there is the French girl again with her incredible lips and shoulders. Jesus, would I ever love to slather all of her. She is five-eight. Damn. All lanky and silly. What I wouldn’t give to lick all of her. This entry has gone nowhere from the beginning. I am only capable of clear thinking for very short periods each day, and right now my head is all foggy again. I guess this is the end of the current work. I'll begin anew in a little while. Gral semivivus... Again. Ugh." 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March 19th,2023 8:15am pdt If you are visiting for the first time, go to the beginning. Fortification Born Holyform read ( words) "‘I lost my pencil... Up his ass.’ Thank you, Carm. Awesome. Bless her. Wednesday, for whatever it may be worth. 'Compared with the everyday reality of sex and emotion, our fantasies of gratification are pompous and solemn in the extreme. For desire is like Christmas: It always promises more than it delivers.' -- Lee Siegel I went back in time again, to when my parents first acquired the calibration business from my dad’s buddies in the RF industry. You know, that other aspect of Silicon Valley of which very few seem to be aware... The mighty defense electronics industry. Working for my parents does not mean everything was covered in gravy, but at the same time I can say in all confidence that it was the best job I’ve ever held, and that includes my involvement within the space program. Yep, it was the best. Before I get all pissed off, I will go one step further and then let the subject go for the time being. That step is the fact that we worked to support those companies that were engaged in national security. The calibration and repair work I performed on very complex equipment and for a short time was directly related to the electronic countermeasures used by military aircraft, nuclear missile guidance, and the future of covert military communication systems. I fucking loved being there every day and felt important, even more than standing and walking tall when I was supporting the space program. I used to be so capable. That period now seems so far in the past that I don’t even understand it. Do you remember 'Phase Lock'? Same part of my history. I still love her, too. Shut up. I continue to yearn for a vision but they don’t help me. I sit here and write and it doesn’t help me. I continue to enjoy the morning cocktail each day and it doesn’t help me. I scour the Net for images to include in each entry and the process doesn’t help me. At least I have some coffee. What is helping? What is keeping me in this chair? The possibility of seeing her? Someone else? I don’t know. Help? I don’t know that one, either. The truth is I don’t have the first damned clue as to the reason for any of this. Maybe I’ve become accustomed to the process of sitting here typing. I keep glancing toward the left display and seeing the face of the model that has graced several entries from the last few weeks. I can’t believe her appearance. Looking at her does not help me, though. Quite the reverse, actually. It hurts, deeply. I keep glancing, however, because I am a basket case and desperate to see anything that stirs my soul. And she does more than any image for a very long time. Wait... Do I even have a soul? Anyway, the last time I was moved almost to tears by an image was Daria some months ago. None of this shit is good for me in any way, but like the morning cocktail, has become a need beyond comprehension. I’ll take care of the typical stuff this morning once the coffee is gone. My last cup is here on the table just below the gangsters. Yesterday I went through all my emergency stuff and reorganized everything. I also streamlined the equipment in the shoulder bag. My efforts in this office have paid off with empty space and lots of things that are now easier to locate should the need arise. I will probably continue in such a vein until satisfied with the results. I have two loads of dry cleaning, as well, and if the weather does indeed remain dry until evening, I can have everything in order by the end of business hours. Once again, dinner will be a fairly simple chore. My daily routine is finished now and I have the requisite (becoming necessary) icy glass of whiskey to my right and just below the media of choice. I am planning to remain in the office for a few hours today, in and around which I will take care of the dry cleaning. I noticed that the video becomes choppy once it’s been playing for a few hours, and after a bit of research learned that the cache must be dumped every now and then. Interesting. I never knew that one. God damn is Joseph Siravo fantastic, rest his soul. I love it. Anyway, there is not much to do today unless I break out of this slump and attack something. Right now I don’t see it happening unless a burst of motivation comes from the sky and slaps me upside the head. Today is just another day full of turmoil and feelings of loss. The first load of dry cleaning is running and I am timing it with my phone. ‘Well, let's run a thousand volts through that thing and see how it holds up.’ Atta boy, Doug. I go back to the calibration era more often now than I did years ago because I miss it. Not just the girl, but the complete atmosphere in the lab combined with visiting different companies when I did pick-ups and deliveries of their equipment. Now that lunch is out of the way, I have the second and final load of dry cleaning running. Once it is finished, I can do whatever seems best. Or? Nothing much at all. The rest of the day is dependent upon my feelings and ability to keep my head up. For whatever reason, everything from the early part of the week has been severely suppressed. Maybe my reminiscing and housework have succeeded in pushing all the issues away for a while. Listing my watch for auction has likely had a hand in this, too. I even prepared everything necessary for packing and shipping. Friday, mid-morning. The last two days have been very convoluted. Part of it was the weather, mostly yesterday, and my head being buried inside the map combined with memories of places I have visited in the past. I keep going over and over the idea of a road trip – as you may well know by now – and sometimes I get lost in route planning and ideas for places to spend the night and perhaps have a meal or two. Yesterday? I was all the way in, for lack of a better phrase. While the weather went insane, I sat in this chair and watched the action through my window while browsing map after map. I was right here for hours. Just prior to close of business hours, the power went off. I had to gather some emergency equipment in case it remained off through the night. Fortunately, the outage was just over an hour, and that meant the house didn’t even cool very much. The connection that did remain off, however, was the Internet access. It was out all evening and returned sometime during the night. I played a disc to have something in the background while preparing dinner. The very positive aspect of yesterday was a call from the dealership informing me that my car was ready to be picked up. That was a boost, for sure. After riding together early this morning, I am pleased to see my car in the driveway where it belongs. I also went to the market a while ago for a few items. Today marks the first in nearly four weeks in which I left the house. Naturally, there was some sort of Asian genetic fluke in the store wearing you-know-what and appearing as if she arrived from another planet. Very out of place, that beauty. I averted my eyes and went on about my business, but not before gazing at lines up the fucking wazoo. Sometimes I just can’t fucking deal with it. The only other jab since Wednesday was a vision of the morsel and her adorable smile. Wait... Is that girl real? You know. Regardless of whether or not she exists, I can say that to see her like I did was amazing. I needed her arms around me. Actually, I needed one hell of a lot more than that. My downhill slide continues. I have the routine finished today and very little on the schedule. Prior to the storm slamming us yesterday, I opted to move a few things from the backyard to the garage. My work paid off because once the wind began to gust, I realized the patio would have suffered. The storm was once again very harsh. Yesterday has me in desperate need of some peace and quiet, so today shall be very mellow. I am pretty fucked up right now, so nothing is off-limits. I need comfort. ‘Fuckin nosy? Eat your Manicott!’ Ah... Rosalie. I’m considering ordering a pizza to be delivered. For reasons of good form, I may opt for something I can make in the kitchen, though. Right now I can’t make up my mind. Eh... I just did. Pizza will be delivered soon. I need comfort food and my only other idea for lunch was not going to provide quite what I need right now. That is that. Now that the car is home and I don’t have anything pressing on the schedule, the feeling is that I need to stay comfortable and keep an eye on the weather. When my little world is out of order, even for the tiniest reason, my head often reacts enough to upset my stomach most days. After dealing with the repair, taking a trip over the hill to shop or having to work around the house both seem very straightforward, whereas prior to the car breaking down everything felt pretty tough. I need the holyform to understand what’s been happening in my head, yet considering the way of the world, such a wonder is all but impossible. Saturday morning with coffee, my show, and all manner of concern inside my head. I was upset with an episode of the current series last night and spoke a bit, only to find myself feeling completely alone in my opinion and worried that such a situation is not the only way I’ve isolated myself lately. I believe now that I’ve slept, everything will appear a bit lighter and quite different than last night. And no, I wasn’t full of booze. I was simply upset because I felt that they had been employing manipulative scripting for the shock value. Early this morning I learned that I am in the minority, meaning my perception of what had been taking place in that setting was way off. This is not good, but whatever. I understand. The answer is simple and will allow me to relax and enjoy the evenings regardless of such a setback. I am simply going to remain quiet and, like many other aspects of living these days, keep everything inside. The truth is I believe I’ve become skewed enough to actually cause issues for other people while thinking that I am either helping or offering good information. All I see right now is another big step down the ladder into my waiting basement, and this one actually has nothing to do with beauty. Interesting. So, a decrease in words coming out of my mouth with an equal increase in the number flying off this keyboard. This is one of those times when I believe the lack of ears is a good thing. Save yourselves. I’ll have to consider options for dealing with this type of shit. I’m not accustomed to realizing such a lack of connection to anything deeply important to me. ‘Fuckin intanet’. Yep. I get it, Tony. After the shit earlier this week, I decided to keep everything to myself (much like what I mentioned above) because no matter what I write, someone is going to have a problem with it or possibly try to slam me. Well, now I am considering the staff’s words within the ‘about’ section of the site regarding domain ownership and unrestricted content. Perhaps I am going about the situation in the wrong way. Sometimes when I become angry and there is no recourse whatsoever, I end up removing people’s ability to read this crap. I don’t know why. Maybe I just feel that I have to do something rather than simply sitting on the issue. This type of thinking is what leads me to become angry, too. I do not work well with unsolvable problems or dead-end circumstances. I am the last person to sit here and consider myself above making mistakes. Anyway, I may have to release everything once again and see what happens. The only other option besides making the content private is to move all my shit to another domain and start from scratch. I have very few ideas that seem appealing right now. The way I see things this morning, I will likely be working on a solution to this problem quite a bit today. Aside from my daily work, I’ll have lots of time for thinking. The high holyform was haunting well into yesterday after the vision on Thursday. The incident was far from what took place months ago, yet still my head wrapped itself around her loveliness and I fell down like always. All I can think about is how the holyforms relate to last year, the force which hits me almost daily as a result, and what the future may have in store for such a weakened person. I don’t have a clue, although there is an inkling that nothing good can be on the horizon at this point in time, especially considering my realization from last night. That was bad, too. I must remember to keep everything locked away because no matter what I’ve tried, the resulting feelings continue to be born of the negative material plane, and that is a place over which I have zero power or control. I am not necessarily a bad person, yet I also must say that I don’t feel like a particularly good person right now. Either way, at least the emotion is entirely up to me. This situation rather sucks these days. So, I believe trying to liquidate a few things is my best plan of action right now. Everything I’d like to do and each place I want to visit all come down to the subject of money. This machine, the laptop and my camera need be the only three current interests and everything else can go away. The priorities and hobbies have to remain limited in the interest of generating cash for the future, whatever that may be. I have one wristwatch listed right now and will put another one up for grabs later today. Between the two, I should be able to care for a few things that are more important. The other watches are either not worth very much or keepsakes, so they will stay with me. My collecting days in such a vein are over. I’ll have one ‘dressy’ watch, one for outdoor excursions, and the rest shall live in the display box. That is that. As for anything else which can yield money, I’ll have to look around. I’ll be thinking about this stuff later as I take care of the usual housework. I have the last cup of coffee next to me. Once it is gone, I’ll probably move away from this and work around the house a bit. And there it is... The lot of my existence anymore. God damn do I ever feel like a fraction of what I had been. The definition is so far removed after all this time that I can barely understand how I accomplished most of what took place in the past. Later. The daily routine is half finished because one of the cats decided to sleep in the spare bedroom, meaning I chose not to disturb him for cleaning. I’ll take care of that room in a little while. I have the next few hours to myself, too. The house is quiet and I have my program on the right-hand display for the time being. I am planning to spend a good portion of the day right here in this chair. And now I took care of the other half of my routine thanks to the cat leaving the bedroom. Aside from any extraneous activities or other ideas, my work for this portion of the day is finished. I am reheating some lunch, too. The weather is changeable right now. Lots of heavy drizzle. I am planning to leave the backyard as it is until we have a long dry spell. The temperature is a tad warmer than the last several days so I can tool around in the garage after lunch if I wish. The key decision today was to avoid joining her for a shopping trip. Christ knows what I may have seen out there, and considering the depth of my disability over the holyforms lately, spending time in the fold of society could result in more bad than good. The only plan I have right now is to visit the big phone store over the hill on Tuesday to trade in my old device. Other than that, I’ll be back in the custom of little trips to the wine store or market if necessary. None of that will take place today, though. I really need to be right here in the house for the duration. I may venture to the garage for a while because it’s not very cold out there today. If the mercury remains up, I’ll try to begin the electrical work for my Christmas light receptacle and a changeover from AC to DC for one of the murals. Lots of options exist when the weather is mild. I’ll have to think about this for a while prior to deciding upon my path. Very dark outside this morning. The rain has been falling since the middle of the night and everything is once again saturated. The forecast displays rain all the way from this afternoon through tomorrow and into Tuesday. Wow. I can hear it on the roof, too. That’s pretty hefty rainfall. This being Sunday means I have my typical stuff to do once the coffee is gone. I’ll be in the kitchen in an hour or so making pancakes again, after which I’ll evaluate the best time to take care of the dry cleaning and garbage so it coincides with a break in the rain. The clock traveled back an hour this morning, too. That may truncate my day a bit. Right now I have my coffee and the show. I took care of the cats this morning, as well, which means they are probably into nap time by now. Those little guys need their beauty sleep. Last year’s problem has caused me to speed up efforts in fortifying, if only to make me feel better. What problem? Figure it out. Between that crap and the damaging dreams, I’ve further withdrawn and have less desire to be in contact with people than even a few months ago. For example, I was met outside by someone the other day, and I noticed almost immediately that the sound of another person’s voice near to my house seemed completely alien. I spend so much time alone that the only feeling is that I need even more time alone, if that makes any sense. The issue from a year ago weighs heavily on my mind each day and there does not seem to be any way to alleviate concerns. The fact that there is a part of the ‘help’ equation missing and I can’t go into what it is or why accomplishes nothing more than to keep me clammed up and bottled in a strong compression. It is worsening. Sometimes I feel that I should not have spoken to anyone since the outset of fifteen. That was a very bad time and caused me to reach, although now I am regretting everything that has transpired in more than eight years. The problem I began to notice last year may be related, as well. Right now I can’t be certain. The simplicity of my statement about the last eight years is paramount. The only aspect of life which has been served through my contact with people is knowing each occasion has been a mistake. The first time the final solution had come to mind was nearly twenty years ago. I keep thinking that if that plan had worked after Ashley went back to her life and told me to go home, lots of people could have been spared my shit. All I can do is try to generate money, and in doing so I will increase the feeling of fortification that is becoming more important now than ever. I need it. There have been problems ever since I decided to go over ‘there’ and try something. That was a long time ago, too. I think about it every day, not to mention the other several occasions when I skipped town and told no one of my plans. I believe I caused enough issues in my life to feel the aforementioned solution was the only way for me to be content without screwing-over other people. Well, in a manner of speaking, anyway. The trade was one step in favor of many. The issues with those many steps cannot be overstated, even all these years later. I still think about all of it daily, yet shy away from the topic here because I’ve railroaded it plenty throughout the last few years. Believe it or not, I still wish I was ‘there’. No getting around that one. I am not referring to Ashley, either. Figure it out. No names. The time is after nine already, thanks to the end of standard. I need to move out of this office soon and take care of some Sunday business. My whiskey is enjoying a new glass. Usually, I drink from either the JD Vegas glass or the Lucky Shot, which has a bullet in the side. Right now I have the Goose version which has a void at the bottom, plus a goose embossed in the underside, which does not touch the coaster. Only the outside diameter – which is fairly thick – contacts whatever the glass may be perched upon. It is heavy and reminds me of the seventies. Very nice. I have the garbage out of the house and my daily routine finished at just after noon. The weather is still switching back and forth from drizzle to rain, meaning I’ll be spending most of the day inside the house aside from breaks. Uh oh, Jennifer is about to slam a full shot of Belvedere. Yikes. Anyway, my head has benefited from lots of distractions today. That means I’ve not been dwelling upon the high holyform or any other visions. Now that the bulk of my midday work is complete, I’m pointing toward the PTC for part of the afternoon. Wow, the rain is very strong right now. Anyway, for the remainder of business hours today, I plan to have lunch at some point and then tool around in my garage for a little while and see what can be tossed into the trash. Each week, one of my ambitions is to ensure that the gray can is completely full. There is always something which can go out the door never to return. The less we own, the less weight is upon individual shoulders. These days, I need additional shit on my head like I need Satan’s fucking pitchfork up my ass. Wait... Am I angry? You betcha. Always. The mood makes me want to fortify. One stage of the day will lead to another, as I don’t typically spend an entire Sunday on the computer. Ok, I have a plan for the early part of the afternoon. I have the phone connected to this machine so I can update my playlists. Once it is finished, I’ll transition to the garage and take care of the dry cleaning. Once that is underway, I need to organize a few things and finalize the garbage. My mood is such that I need to head out there with some loud music to connect with the past and clarify my feelings. That may sound strange, but to be honest, after the last few weeks of problems and other shit that came my way, I have to return to the roots of the aughts and embrace the only power I have left. Here I sit in the afternoon. Visions have been flowing like two-bit whores at every step of my work today. I no longer have much strength in trying to extricate the imagery from my head during the day. I can’t fucking help it because my situation has been worsening by the day. I see everything that I saw, if that makes any sense. Sometimes I hit the booze a little earlier than my typical schedule, and the result is my switching from video media to music. That helps, sometimes. The music of life carries its own issues, however, and some are worse than the visions. All I can do is keep going and see what happens. Wow. This morning has been tedious, yet rewarding. Busy, too. I am overjoyed to finally have some time to sit here and think. I’ve been fairly productive up to this point thanks to some motivation through the weekend. Oksana has beautiful hands and fingers. They are most pronounced in a few key shots but not often. This episode displays both her hands from one specific angle and they appear amazing. I love the way her fingers look in certain positions. What was I saying? Ah... The deep need for peace and quiet today combined with as much time as I desire sitting at the control center. This process is both good and bad, however. I never know what type of morning is in store for me until working here for a little while. I need to build, damn it. No more of this tooling around and not thinking clearly, and then staring at everything as if there can be no solid direction. I’ve been rolling through the days from such a standpoint for too long. I need to fortify. And a bit of Cameron... ‘I am not going to sit on my ass... As the events that affect me unfold to determine the course of my life. I’m gonna take a stand.’ Thanks, buddy. That’s an old one, yet it is still relevant after all this time. My situation is unlike what Cameron was referencing. The connection is the fact that he felt weak and ineffective with regard to one specific aspect of his life. I feel similarly, yet with more than one part of life. Building is always helpful, too. When I begin to fall down, there is always a split-second when my head can recover by changing direction toward the positive; even just a little. Last week there were several days when I reached that point and took the easy way forward rather than fortifying. I sidestepped many ideas. That type of behavior is born of decision making, honestly. Everything around this house boils down to a decision. Today I have decided to build. In a little while I’ll take care of half the routine and then visit the shopping center to the north, and upon returning I’ll have to take the other set of rails through this day. Monday is perfect for creating a line. Mid-morning. I have to head out after lunch to visit the goddess market and cigarette store, although I may opt for the little dairy around the corner. Since I have to head over the hill tomorrow to trade in my old phone, I might wait until then to do everything in one loop. I can grab one pack of cigarettes today that will tide me over until then. If I wait until tomorrow to do the shopping, perhaps I can relax at one of my favorite places for a nice lunch while out. I’ll figure it out by the time my morning cocktail is gone. And there is Nicole, the slender sister. My daily business is finished aside from drying the dishes. They can drip for a while before I transition out of this office for some straightening and laundry. The gardeners are here. Very nice. Fortification. Hmm. Generating cash and ensuring things are in order in case the shit hits the fan (hard) has become very important to me lately. I’ve already streamlined some of our emergency supplies, too. The shoulder bag is ready to go, as is part of the other bag we keep in the garage. I need to update that one, though. Maybe I should pour a nice glass of the foggy blue and put on some music. Heh. No. Later. I went to both stores in the interest of easing my day tomorrow. Everything was fine and I didn’t see anything like months ago, thank goodness. Now I have laundry in the washer and a few other items to finish, everything now seemingly easier due to the shopping being done already. My free time is in full swing just as I had hoped, yet my insides are unable to accomplish anything positive. All I have is the housework. I can see the weather ramping up outside again, and this is supposedly the twelfth storm of decent power since January. The backyard still has pools of water from last Thursday, too. That means the levels have not had adequate time to recede prior to this latest forecast. Looks like I picked the wrong day for an appointment to trade my phone. Maybe I’ll postpone it for two days. Ah... Better. The weather should have improved by then. If not, I’ll go in the rain. Whatever. The laundry is finished and I have everything ready for dinner. Tuesday morning has arrived with zero fanfare for the common webmaster (if anyone even uses such a term these days). The weather outside is frightful this morning. Everything is quite dark and the wind is gusting all over the place. Sideways rain went into my ear when I stepped out the door for a moment. Yesterday went ok I guess. I took care of everything that had been planned, plus I made revolutions for dinner tonight at the same time. The shopping is out of the way thanks to having my car again, meaning I need not leave the house today. I can remain here and enjoy watching the crazy weather through my window or from the garage. I’d like to spend more time listing another watch today because the first one will sell in a few hours and I need to keep the train rolling while pulling down some funds. Since the weather is a bit nuts right now, I’ll probably remain indoors as much as possible. I can work on the auctions, streamline the office, and take care of whatever else seems best. In a little bit, I’m going to see if I can open the big garage door without issue. Usually it’s fine as long as I leave the smaller door to the backyard closed. Both of them open results in a hell of a wind ‘tunnel’ through the area. Not good. I think I’ll head out there right now and see how the roof drainage is doing. Yikes, the wind is out of control. One minute it is steady, and the next there are gusts. The rain is lighter, though. My backyard is flooded just as I had suspected. At least I have the garage open so I can enjoy the show when taking a break out there. I guess the wind is going to taper off this afternoon. I’m never worried about the water because we are not near any creeks, but the wind can threaten the tree in our front yard. It’s pretty fucking tall. My car is in the driveway just in case. I need to make sure things are charged just in case the power goes off again. Ugh. Worse? The fuckin intanet could go down. Thankfully, the bulk of the gusting winds are coming from the south, meaning I can leave the big door open. My three huge vodka bottles have to remain off their lighted platform, though. I can’t risk them being damaged. Jamie is on the screen. Oh, my. Nicole, too, God bless her sad eyes. Maybe she will hold me. The fortification shall continue today. Whatever I can accomplish inside the house or garage can contribute to – and possibly improve – my mood of late. I need to know that my little apple cart stays upright. I don’t even want little bumps. The high holyform enters my head and enough points throughout each day that I need to direct my head toward anything productive just to make my way through the hours. She is a fucking dream and there is no getting around such a fact anymore. She is the focus right now, just like others in the past. Not one of them has pulled at me with such power, however. Her form is holy and I worship it. The work today has to lead to both an evening of comfort and some way for me to push her form out of my head, even just for a short time. I believe the auctions are helping, as are my efforts in maintaining the house on a daily basis. Regardless of how much I need to push myself to find motivation, the fact is that whether a weekday is good or bad, when I reach the close of business hours with some things completed (or improved), everything feels better and I tend to dwell upon her less. I suppose much of it is to distract myself from dreaming of things I cannot possess or situations which will forever be impossible. All that shit damages me. I have to try. When the coffee is gone, I’ll begin with my routine and then branch out from there. Unrelated? I think the neighbors two doors up the street have an au pair. Wow. The girl has a hell of a time parallel parking, too. Heh. Whatever. I see her all the time. The other one? Is she real? I believe you already know the next question. Ask it again. I just realized that my garage camera relies upon an extension cord; the very same that I need for the hot pot in the dining room. That reminds me of the power situation in the garage. I have to run a line for the camera and then branch off to install a weatherproof receptacle under the eave for Christmas lights. I haven’t touched that project yet. Maybe if the weather threatens my open door, I can close it and work out there for a while. The job will be a pain, but it needs to be done for my peace of mind. The past visions catch up to me daily. I’ve seen far more than I can handle, honestly. I’ve seen lines and breasts and clothing that drives me insane. I still can’t believe her form. Oh, and the smile. And her voice. Real? Well, that doesn’t matter anymore. She is real enough to me and I’ve seen plenty for a lifetime of daydreaming. Like I used to say about Andrea, I need all of her all over all of me, grammar be damned. I don’t care because she is all the way up and I worship her form. Worship is unhealthy unless coming from a standpoint of religion. My mental and emotional stability become upended with each sighting. Believe it. My brain is derailed every fucking time and I can barely deal with the situation. Life is heeled over and I fear it may turn upside down very soon. The fortification must proceed unimpeded or I’ll lose my shit. Well, I am into the mid-morning and my daily housework routine is finished. I am not going to run any laundry today, though, because the wind is still gusting and I fear the power will shut down. The furnace is on schedule right now rather than warming the house because I don’t want it running if we indeed lose power. This type of situation helps me to relax about the holyform. It really does. There are larger concerns between the wind and power situation, not to mention the possibility of losing the Internet again. There is plenty of battery power available for such an event, so if the shit hits the fan like last week, I can transfer the video media to my phone. The battery in that device is good for two days of operation between charges, and my wireless MDRs can run for upwards of forty hours without the need to plug in. At least the rain has eased up a bit. There is mostly drizzle right now but it is going sideways at a hell of an angle due to the wind. I am still worried about the tree, too. My neighbor looked at it during the previous storm and expressed all confidence that it is far too strong to come down or fracture. That helps. I just caught an update stating that the high wind warning will be in effect until eleven tonight. It is gusting to near seventy miles per hour. Yikes. If necessary, I’ll switch to emergency mode soon. I don’t mind because the house is always prepared, plus my power situation can be dealt with fairly easily. I feel very weak due to having such a need to have the media keeping me company, to be honest. The fact is my lifestyle has changed since the outset of the pandemic and harks back to the Midwest when my friends and family kept me company while home on weekdays. No matter how bad the weather may become, I always have a plan. I suppose there is nothing wrong with being prepared, even considering how badly I would react to a lack of my choice of entertainment. I was born in the sixties, but still identify myself as a ‘child of the seventies’. That grew from television. However I may be viewed for such a stance, the need is such that I don’t fucking care. And speaking of ‘need’, there is a big glass of whiskey perched just below the gangsters. Ho-ly fuck is the wind ever strong. It’s a miracle the power is still holding on. I’m ready, just in case. The time is still early, but I’m having lunch now so I can move to the garage and keep an eye on everything. I have some things stored atop the big cabinets, and the eave vent next to that area is suffering from excessive wind gusts. I need to get up there and make sure the materials are not getting damaged. Moreover, I always feel better when I am ‘connected’ to the weather just in case something goes wrong. I am a pretty capable person, meaning I have contingencies in mind all the time. That may have been born of the war in the east combined with tensions between China and Taiwan underpinned by our military presence in that area. Whatever the cause or hybrid mindset, I am thinking about defense and disaster every day. Do you know what that means? That’s right... The holyform and the thousand other issues in my brain have been switched off completely. Shit. I’ve been completely screwed by the auction. I was hoping that the watch would garner a higher price, but such is the risk of listing with that type of format. I’ll put the money to good use. At some point I’ll list the other one. Prior to lunch, the wind gusted so strongly that we lost two more sections of the patio cover. I had to go out there and pull one off, while the other separated itself completely and fell to the ground. Considering the way I feel today, I really don’t give a shit if the whole assembly is destroyed. So long as nothing flies into someone else’s yard, I just don’t care. The wind has been frightening, to be honest. I even found a shingle from my neighbor’s roof in my yard. Yikes. The warning is in place until late tonight. I’m looking forward to some tame weather. Wednesday, mid-morning. My routine is finished and I went to the market. After being without the car for weeks, it’s nice to have the ability to go shopping when need be. The weather is sunny and warm today in stark contrast to yesterday’s heavy storm. I believe tomorrow will follow suit before more rain arrives. I’m hoping that the pools of water in the backyard will dry prior to the weather becoming wet again. The rest of today will be spent between the office and some laundry work. I didn’t want to run the machines yesterday for fear of the power going off during a cycle. I will also grab some images of the second watch so I can list it for auction. My expectation is better exposure this time. The other one did not fetch a high price, and that may have been due in part to my description. You’d think I would know how to provide a quality listing after more than twenty years of successful and highly-rated selling. Ugh. The second watch should not disappoint. At least I already shipped it. This afternoon I’ll be installing and connecting a new television for my neighbor, but other than that I plan to remain home. I may or may not perform some organization in the garage after lunch. Right now my need is to relax at the editor and follow along with my program on the right-hand display. I went on another journey down memory lane last night after opting for a movie that I first saw in the dome back in the seventies. I nearly went off the deep end, too, but caught myself before lamenting an entire lifestyle which disappeared. The glowing period of life is difficult to top, yet I must say that rediscovering the theatre during the late nineties ushered in another era of wonder, one that continued to shine well into the early aughts. If I sit here for the next decade in an attempt to convey the feelings for that place and all which transpired there, I would still fall short of the real vision. I don’t believe I can ever fully describe my love for arriving at that theatre at six in the morning for a showing that took place at seven in the evening. The entire experience was magical, especially during the premieres of three particular films. And yes, I said FILM. Going on a tirade about film and the past on the site is fine, but I do my best to avoid such behavior in the evening, most notably after I’ve had a few drinks. Don’t even fucking get me started. Disaster was averted last night because I know better these days. Very few people feel the way I do, meaning I need to keep my feelings to myself nearly all of the time. The memories of such a place and those times are difficult these days. Everything has changed so much that sometimes I feel there can be no more wonder. That is a sad realization. Missing such a place makes me want to fortify, believe it or not. Anger can be productive. The more I think about that part of life, the more upset I become, and generally speaking, the mood leads to improvements around the house. Or, the anger can drive me to sell items. On such a front, an evening of reminiscing is not entirely a bad thing. Maybe I’ll do more of it tonight. I can never say enough about the deep emotional connection I had with the theatre. It was amazing. Lunch is in the oven. After trying a burrito from the closest taqueria, sometimes I find it difficult to prepare lunch rather than just ordering. Heh. Good stuff. I made it to the middle of the afternoon without incident. The laundry is in process and everything else is finished. I’ll be heading to my neighbor’s house in about three hours to install her television. Dinner tonight will be a very simple process, leaving me lots of time to take it easy and try to relax. Thursday morning, 0656, and I have my nice coffee and the show. I also have fleeting memories of dreams from sometime during the night. I can’t recall situations or other details, but the feelings are in my heart. Something dramatic took place while I slept and I can’t shake the idea that the wonder of that girl was close to me, perhaps very much so. This morning my head is fighting a battle between the dreams and the glow, the latter pushing its way into me due to the holiday season being missed whenever I am reminded of it. Red and green M&Ms can’t fix everything. I wish I could remember the dreams, damn it. I need them because reality is not good anymore. I have to go to the phone store this morning to drop off my trade-in. On the return, I may or may not visit the hardware store for a few items, most notably a dimmer for the dining room light. Right now I really don’t feel like shopping, though. Maybe I’ll just do the trade-in and return home. Sometimes I don’t like being out there among society. It makes me uncomfortable. The chances of seeing something special these days have been minimized due to my vision being so fucking skewed anymore, so what may have been striking years ago is now commonplace. At least that helps when I need to go shopping. 1148. My daily routine is finished and I went to the store to drop off the old phone. The weather is nice and sunny, so perhaps after lunch I can head to the garage for a bit of organization. I also need to fabricate a support for the laundry shelves. There is a lot of weight on them these days, including one of my old speakers mounted on the top shelf. I’m sure there is no issue, yet every time I look over there, I feel that the leverage is excessive. The support will be threaded rods coupled and mounted way up on one of the trusses. Once finished, I’ll feel better about the load. I ordered lunch to be delivered and dinner is in the slow cooker. Very nice. The roast and salad plan for this evening means very little prep work and not much to the kitchen tomorrow. Despite so much rain since the beginning of the year, I am still endeavoring to save water. I don’t see any reason to be excessive with usage. ‘Captain or no captain, right now we’re just two assholes lost in the woods’. Awesome. And yes, that means my program is on the right-hand display just above a nice glass of whiskey. Today is one of those examples of my appreciation for being home. I took care of business – both up the highway and inside the house – meaning I can relax and do whatever seems most important for my remaining hours alone. Friday, prior to the early business. I fabricated the entire support for the laundry shelf and installed it yesterday afternoon. I honestly don’t have that much confidence in the upper mount, though. It’s not as stout as I’d prefer, so I may have to address it one of these days. At least I built the whole thing. Working out there was kind of nice, too, because the sun was warm and I had my program (fourth show) in the background to keep me company. I took care of the dry cleaning during the early afternoon. 0845. Last night was a toughie. I had been watching a documentary and it hit on a sensitive topic a few times and forced me to look back about fifteen years or so and recall where I was in life at the time. I need to remember to stick to fiction most of the time unless the subject matter is completely alien to me. Whenever I run across reminders of a certain period and everything with which I had been involved, sadness washes over me for a few days, if not longer. That issue goes for the space program as well as defense electronics. The latter also involves audio, but I don’t really want to get into that one today. Very bad. The feeling often sends me back in time all the way to the beginning of the glow. Once I’m there, everything turns to shit. This morning, much of the difficulty has faded, although I know it will return soon enough. 1021. I finished the early housework and I have the requisite glass of depressant next to me, and yes, it is perched just below the right-hand display where my show is running. I don’t know where this day is going to lead. The sun is shining again, meaning I could advance a few things in the garage, but I really don’t feel like working out there right now. Ah, fuck. I was just reminded of a massive part of life which has been a point of contention for more than thirty years. Well, much longer than that, actually, yet it was more heavily discussed roughly thirty-odd years ago. The topic is roughly equivalent to the huge bullshit lie from the eighties that has followed me at every step of life since the problem first developed. Now I don’t feel like a whole person for the billionth time. The keywords come to mind when I vacillate over the past, too. That is an enormous problem in and of itself, and often leaves me to realize that the only things I have left in the world are words. Yep... Words on these pages. I have zero direction anymore and spend much of my time drowning within the realization that of all the ‘things’ I wanted to do in my ‘later years’, the situation is such that the percentage of them is less than one. Frankly, I am still surprised to have revisited the Sea five years ago and lived through one hell of a fantastic week. There shall be no repeat of that unless I force it, and such a stance will result in me feeling as if I am being unfair. Maybe this should have been the content of a different paragraph. Wait... What does that matter? No one is listening anyway, not that I expect anyone to be there, honestly. I expect exactly nothing good whatsoever. This day may be taking shape. Oy, mama. Holy shit. My mood is changing, but not necessarily for the worse. I see it as an improvement. ‘Mortgage on my life’. God damn it all, anyway. Today is going to move in the most necessary direction imaginable. Saturday morning, 0848. Last night we finally swapped the motorcycles, meaning whenever I have free time I can work on the teardown process. I’m surprised we both had the time, and on the same day. Prior to that, I worked inside one of the closets and reorganized a few things in the interest of again trying to create space. Empty space, that is. Everything in the house is a cycle, meaning wherever I choose to work, eventually things move around or go into the trash for the purpose of streamlining and ending up with less clutter. Small changes lead to larger ones. I can only do a little at a time, however, because of the difficulty in making stuff disappear, much like the sections of fiberglass that blew off the patio cover. I cut them up into small squares so they fit in the trash can. That is but one example. Anyway, I have to go out to run an errand (possibly two) in a little while and will continue my housework and gradual improvements upon returning. Like always, I am very much looking forward to arriving home after being in the fold of society. Yesterday didn’t go in the direction I expected. The mood mellowed over time. Today I am feeling the same and only wish to remain here all day, but going out does provide the aforementioned reward. Pants. Light blue and very unexpected, although the produce market always carries with it a large contingent of people who wish to eat healthy. That leads to some of those visions I see at the goddess market, too. The girl I saw today caused nothing more than sadness. No desire, no obsessive gazing, just sadness. I had not seen that particular color before. Very interesting. Upon returning home, I took care of a little business and then lunch. The late afternoon was spent in the garage for a little while. I drained the tank on the bike and then cleaned up the area. Perhaps tomorrow I can look at pulling the tank off once my Sunday business is finished. Sunday, 0723. I have coffee and a view of the rainy weather outside. There is something about Ralphie’s comare in this episode. Her face is the type I would normally avoid, yet at the same time I am compelled to freeze the video and capture her for study. I can’t put my finger on any aspect that stands out aside from her nose. Hmm. Whatever. Most of the time my focus is elsewhere. You know. The point is every time this episode rolls around I see her and don’t know what to think. Cute, though. Oh, and her stomach is flat as a pancake. Just a thought. Sitting here during the early hours sometimes has me at sixes and sevens over the visions and such, meaning watching some of these programs during the morning is probably not a good idea. I do it anyway because I am a basket case. Something reminds me of the high holyform and my mind goes into a tailspin. Afterward, any little smidgen of a view on the display drives me into the ground. If my typical cycle holds, I’ll finish the coffee and then become angry over the holyform. That will lead me to fortify. And now there is the French girl again with her incredible lips and shoulders. Jesus, would I ever love to slather all of her. She is five-eight. Damn. All lanky and silly. What I wouldn’t give to lick all of her. This entry has gone nowhere from the beginning. I am only capable of clear thinking for very short periods each day, and right now my head is all foggy again. I guess this is the end of the current work. I'll begin anew in a little while. Gral semivivus... Again. Ugh."
March 19th,2023 8:15am pdt
If you are visiting for the first time, go to the beginning.
Fortification Born Holyform
read ( words)
"‘I lost my pencil... Up his ass.’ Thank you, Carm. Awesome. Bless her. Wednesday, for whatever it may be worth. 'Compared with the everyday reality of sex and emotion, our fantasies of gratification are pompous and solemn in the extreme. For desire is like Christmas: It always promises more than it delivers.' -- Lee Siegel I went back in time again, to when my parents first acquired the calibration business from my dad’s buddies in the RF industry. You know, that other aspect of Silicon Valley of which very few seem to be aware... The mighty defense electronics industry. Working for my parents does not mean everything was covered in gravy, but at the same time I can say in all confidence that it was the best job I’ve ever held, and that includes my involvement within the space program. Yep, it was the best. Before I get all pissed off, I will go one step further and then let the subject go for the time being. That step is the fact that we worked to support those companies that were engaged in national security. The calibration and repair work I performed on very complex equipment and for a short time was directly related to the electronic countermeasures used by military aircraft, nuclear missile guidance, and the future of covert military communication systems. I fucking loved being there every day and felt important, even more than standing and walking tall when I was supporting the space program. I used to be so capable. That period now seems so far in the past that I don’t even understand it. Do you remember 'Phase Lock'? Same part of my history. I still love her, too. Shut up. I continue to yearn for a vision but they don’t help me. I sit here and write and it doesn’t help me. I continue to enjoy the morning cocktail each day and it doesn’t help me. I scour the Net for images to include in each entry and the process doesn’t help me. At least I have some coffee. What is helping? What is keeping me in this chair? The possibility of seeing her? Someone else? I don’t know. Help? I don’t know that one, either. The truth is I don’t have the first damned clue as to the reason for any of this. Maybe I’ve become accustomed to the process of sitting here typing. I keep glancing toward the left display and seeing the face of the model that has graced several entries from the last few weeks. I can’t believe her appearance. Looking at her does not help me, though. Quite the reverse, actually. It hurts, deeply. I keep glancing, however, because I am a basket case and desperate to see anything that stirs my soul. And she does more than any image for a very long time. Wait... Do I even have a soul? Anyway, the last time I was moved almost to tears by an image was Daria some months ago. None of this shit is good for me in any way, but like the morning cocktail, has become a need beyond comprehension. I’ll take care of the typical stuff this morning once the coffee is gone. My last cup is here on the table just below the gangsters. Yesterday I went through all my emergency stuff and reorganized everything. I also streamlined the equipment in the shoulder bag. My efforts in this office have paid off with empty space and lots of things that are now easier to locate should the need arise. I will probably continue in such a vein until satisfied with the results. I have two loads of dry cleaning, as well, and if the weather does indeed remain dry until evening, I can have everything in order by the end of business hours. Once again, dinner will be a fairly simple chore. My daily routine is finished now and I have the requisite (becoming necessary) icy glass of whiskey to my right and just below the media of choice. I am planning to remain in the office for a few hours today, in and around which I will take care of the dry cleaning. I noticed that the video becomes choppy once it’s been playing for a few hours, and after a bit of research learned that the cache must be dumped every now and then. Interesting. I never knew that one. God damn is Joseph Siravo fantastic, rest his soul. I love it. Anyway, there is not much to do today unless I break out of this slump and attack something. Right now I don’t see it happening unless a burst of motivation comes from the sky and slaps me upside the head. Today is just another day full of turmoil and feelings of loss. The first load of dry cleaning is running and I am timing it with my phone. ‘Well, let's run a thousand volts through that thing and see how it holds up.’ Atta boy, Doug. I go back to the calibration era more often now than I did years ago because I miss it. Not just the girl, but the complete atmosphere in the lab combined with visiting different companies when I did pick-ups and deliveries of their equipment. Now that lunch is out of the way, I have the second and final load of dry cleaning running. Once it is finished, I can do whatever seems best. Or? Nothing much at all. The rest of the day is dependent upon my feelings and ability to keep my head up. For whatever reason, everything from the early part of the week has been severely suppressed. Maybe my reminiscing and housework have succeeded in pushing all the issues away for a while. Listing my watch for auction has likely had a hand in this, too. I even prepared everything necessary for packing and shipping. Friday, mid-morning. The last two days have been very convoluted. Part of it was the weather, mostly yesterday, and my head being buried inside the map combined with memories of places I have visited in the past. I keep going over and over the idea of a road trip – as you may well know by now – and sometimes I get lost in route planning and ideas for places to spend the night and perhaps have a meal or two. Yesterday? I was all the way in, for lack of a better phrase. While the weather went insane, I sat in this chair and watched the action through my window while browsing map after map. I was right here for hours. Just prior to close of business hours, the power went off. I had to gather some emergency equipment in case it remained off through the night. Fortunately, the outage was just over an hour, and that meant the house didn’t even cool very much. The connection that did remain off, however, was the Internet access. It was out all evening and returned sometime during the night. I played a disc to have something in the background while preparing dinner. The very positive aspect of yesterday was a call from the dealership informing me that my car was ready to be picked up. That was a boost, for sure. After riding together early this morning, I am pleased to see my car in the driveway where it belongs. I also went to the market a while ago for a few items. Today marks the first in nearly four weeks in which I left the house. Naturally, there was some sort of Asian genetic fluke in the store wearing you-know-what and appearing as if she arrived from another planet. Very out of place, that beauty. I averted my eyes and went on about my business, but not before gazing at lines up the fucking wazoo. Sometimes I just can’t fucking deal with it. The only other jab since Wednesday was a vision of the morsel and her adorable smile. Wait... Is that girl real? You know. Regardless of whether or not she exists, I can say that to see her like I did was amazing. I needed her arms around me. Actually, I needed one hell of a lot more than that. My downhill slide continues. I have the routine finished today and very little on the schedule. Prior to the storm slamming us yesterday, I opted to move a few things from the backyard to the garage. My work paid off because once the wind began to gust, I realized the patio would have suffered. The storm was once again very harsh. Yesterday has me in desperate need of some peace and quiet, so today shall be very mellow. I am pretty fucked up right now, so nothing is off-limits. I need comfort. ‘Fuckin nosy? Eat your Manicott!’ Ah... Rosalie. I’m considering ordering a pizza to be delivered. For reasons of good form, I may opt for something I can make in the kitchen, though. Right now I can’t make up my mind. Eh... I just did. Pizza will be delivered soon. I need comfort food and my only other idea for lunch was not going to provide quite what I need right now. That is that. Now that the car is home and I don’t have anything pressing on the schedule, the feeling is that I need to stay comfortable and keep an eye on the weather. When my little world is out of order, even for the tiniest reason, my head often reacts enough to upset my stomach most days. After dealing with the repair, taking a trip over the hill to shop or having to work around the house both seem very straightforward, whereas prior to the car breaking down everything felt pretty tough. I need the holyform to understand what’s been happening in my head, yet considering the way of the world, such a wonder is all but impossible.
Saturday morning with coffee, my show, and all manner of concern inside my head. I was upset with an episode of the current series last night and spoke a bit, only to find myself feeling completely alone in my opinion and worried that such a situation is not the only way I’ve isolated myself lately. I believe now that I’ve slept, everything will appear a bit lighter and quite different than last night. And no, I wasn’t full of booze. I was simply upset because I felt that they had been employing manipulative scripting for the shock value. Early this morning I learned that I am in the minority, meaning my perception of what had been taking place in that setting was way off. This is not good, but whatever. I understand. The answer is simple and will allow me to relax and enjoy the evenings regardless of such a setback. I am simply going to remain quiet and, like many other aspects of living these days, keep everything inside. The truth is I believe I’ve become skewed enough to actually cause issues for other people while thinking that I am either helping or offering good information. All I see right now is another big step down the ladder into my waiting basement, and this one actually has nothing to do with beauty. Interesting. So, a decrease in words coming out of my mouth with an equal increase in the number flying off this keyboard. This is one of those times when I believe the lack of ears is a good thing. Save yourselves. I’ll have to consider options for dealing with this type of shit. I’m not accustomed to realizing such a lack of connection to anything deeply important to me. ‘Fuckin intanet’. Yep. I get it, Tony. After the shit earlier this week, I decided to keep everything to myself (much like what I mentioned above) because no matter what I write, someone is going to have a problem with it or possibly try to slam me. Well, now I am considering the staff’s words within the ‘about’ section of the site regarding domain ownership and unrestricted content. Perhaps I am going about the situation in the wrong way. Sometimes when I become angry and there is no recourse whatsoever, I end up removing people’s ability to read this crap. I don’t know why. Maybe I just feel that I have to do something rather than simply sitting on the issue. This type of thinking is what leads me to become angry, too. I do not work well with unsolvable problems or dead-end circumstances. I am the last person to sit here and consider myself above making mistakes. Anyway, I may have to release everything once again and see what happens. The only other option besides making the content private is to move all my shit to another domain and start from scratch. I have very few ideas that seem appealing right now. The way I see things this morning, I will likely be working on a solution to this problem quite a bit today. Aside from my daily work, I’ll have lots of time for thinking. The high holyform was haunting well into yesterday after the vision on Thursday. The incident was far from what took place months ago, yet still my head wrapped itself around her loveliness and I fell down like always. All I can think about is how the holyforms relate to last year, the force which hits me almost daily as a result, and what the future may have in store for such a weakened person. I don’t have a clue, although there is an inkling that nothing good can be on the horizon at this point in time, especially considering my realization from last night. That was bad, too. I must remember to keep everything locked away because no matter what I’ve tried, the resulting feelings continue to be born of the negative material plane, and that is a place over which I have zero power or control. I am not necessarily a bad person, yet I also must say that I don’t feel like a particularly good person right now. Either way, at least the emotion is entirely up to me. This situation rather sucks these days. So, I believe trying to liquidate a few things is my best plan of action right now. Everything I’d like to do and each place I want to visit all come down to the subject of money. This machine, the laptop and my camera need be the only three current interests and everything else can go away. The priorities and hobbies have to remain limited in the interest of generating cash for the future, whatever that may be. I have one wristwatch listed right now and will put another one up for grabs later today. Between the two, I should be able to care for a few things that are more important. The other watches are either not worth very much or keepsakes, so they will stay with me. My collecting days in such a vein are over. I’ll have one ‘dressy’ watch, one for outdoor excursions, and the rest shall live in the display box. That is that. As for anything else which can yield money, I’ll have to look around. I’ll be thinking about this stuff later as I take care of the usual housework. I have the last cup of coffee next to me. Once it is gone, I’ll probably move away from this and work around the house a bit. And there it is... The lot of my existence anymore. God damn do I ever feel like a fraction of what I had been. The definition is so far removed after all this time that I can barely understand how I accomplished most of what took place in the past. Later. The daily routine is half finished because one of the cats decided to sleep in the spare bedroom, meaning I chose not to disturb him for cleaning. I’ll take care of that room in a little while. I have the next few hours to myself, too. The house is quiet and I have my program on the right-hand display for the time being. I am planning to spend a good portion of the day right here in this chair. And now I took care of the other half of my routine thanks to the cat leaving the bedroom. Aside from any extraneous activities or other ideas, my work for this portion of the day is finished. I am reheating some lunch, too. The weather is changeable right now. Lots of heavy drizzle. I am planning to leave the backyard as it is until we have a long dry spell. The temperature is a tad warmer than the last several days so I can tool around in the garage after lunch if I wish. The key decision today was to avoid joining her for a shopping trip. Christ knows what I may have seen out there, and considering the depth of my disability over the holyforms lately, spending time in the fold of society could result in more bad than good. The only plan I have right now is to visit the big phone store over the hill on Tuesday to trade in my old device. Other than that, I’ll be back in the custom of little trips to the wine store or market if necessary. None of that will take place today, though. I really need to be right here in the house for the duration. I may venture to the garage for a while because it’s not very cold out there today. If the mercury remains up, I’ll try to begin the electrical work for my Christmas light receptacle and a changeover from AC to DC for one of the murals. Lots of options exist when the weather is mild. I’ll have to think about this for a while prior to deciding upon my path. Very dark outside this morning. The rain has been falling since the middle of the night and everything is once again saturated. The forecast displays rain all the way from this afternoon through tomorrow and into Tuesday. Wow. I can hear it on the roof, too. That’s pretty hefty rainfall. This being Sunday means I have my typical stuff to do once the coffee is gone. I’ll be in the kitchen in an hour or so making pancakes again, after which I’ll evaluate the best time to take care of the dry cleaning and garbage so it coincides with a break in the rain. The clock traveled back an hour this morning, too. That may truncate my day a bit. Right now I have my coffee and the show. I took care of the cats this morning, as well, which means they are probably into nap time by now. Those little guys need their beauty sleep. Last year’s problem has caused me to speed up efforts in fortifying, if only to make me feel better. What problem? Figure it out. Between that crap and the damaging dreams, I’ve further withdrawn and have less desire to be in contact with people than even a few months ago. For example, I was met outside by someone the other day, and I noticed almost immediately that the sound of another person’s voice near to my house seemed completely alien. I spend so much time alone that the only feeling is that I need even more time alone, if that makes any sense. The issue from a year ago weighs heavily on my mind each day and there does not seem to be any way to alleviate concerns. The fact that there is a part of the ‘help’ equation missing and I can’t go into what it is or why accomplishes nothing more than to keep me clammed up and bottled in a strong compression. It is worsening. Sometimes I feel that I should not have spoken to anyone since the outset of fifteen. That was a very bad time and caused me to reach, although now I am regretting everything that has transpired in more than eight years. The problem I began to notice last year may be related, as well. Right now I can’t be certain. The simplicity of my statement about the last eight years is paramount. The only aspect of life which has been served through my contact with people is knowing each occasion has been a mistake. The first time the final solution had come to mind was nearly twenty years ago. I keep thinking that if that plan had worked after Ashley went back to her life and told me to go home, lots of people could have been spared my shit. All I can do is try to generate money, and in doing so I will increase the feeling of fortification that is becoming more important now than ever. I need it. There have been problems ever since I decided to go over ‘there’ and try something. That was a long time ago, too. I think about it every day, not to mention the other several occasions when I skipped town and told no one of my plans. I believe I caused enough issues in my life to feel the aforementioned solution was the only way for me to be content without screwing-over other people. Well, in a manner of speaking, anyway. The trade was one step in favor of many. The issues with those many steps cannot be overstated, even all these years later. I still think about all of it daily, yet shy away from the topic here because I’ve railroaded it plenty throughout the last few years. Believe it or not, I still wish I was ‘there’. No getting around that one. I am not referring to Ashley, either. Figure it out. No names.
The time is after nine already, thanks to the end of standard. I need to move out of this office soon and take care of some Sunday business. My whiskey is enjoying a new glass. Usually, I drink from either the JD Vegas glass or the Lucky Shot, which has a bullet in the side. Right now I have the Goose version which has a void at the bottom, plus a goose embossed in the underside, which does not touch the coaster. Only the outside diameter – which is fairly thick – contacts whatever the glass may be perched upon. It is heavy and reminds me of the seventies. Very nice. I have the garbage out of the house and my daily routine finished at just after noon. The weather is still switching back and forth from drizzle to rain, meaning I’ll be spending most of the day inside the house aside from breaks. Uh oh, Jennifer is about to slam a full shot of Belvedere. Yikes. Anyway, my head has benefited from lots of distractions today. That means I’ve not been dwelling upon the high holyform or any other visions. Now that the bulk of my midday work is complete, I’m pointing toward the PTC for part of the afternoon. Wow, the rain is very strong right now. Anyway, for the remainder of business hours today, I plan to have lunch at some point and then tool around in my garage for a little while and see what can be tossed into the trash. Each week, one of my ambitions is to ensure that the gray can is completely full. There is always something which can go out the door never to return. The less we own, the less weight is upon individual shoulders. These days, I need additional shit on my head like I need Satan’s fucking pitchfork up my ass. Wait... Am I angry? You betcha. Always. The mood makes me want to fortify. One stage of the day will lead to another, as I don’t typically spend an entire Sunday on the computer. Ok, I have a plan for the early part of the afternoon. I have the phone connected to this machine so I can update my playlists. Once it is finished, I’ll transition to the garage and take care of the dry cleaning. Once that is underway, I need to organize a few things and finalize the garbage. My mood is such that I need to head out there with some loud music to connect with the past and clarify my feelings. That may sound strange, but to be honest, after the last few weeks of problems and other shit that came my way, I have to return to the roots of the aughts and embrace the only power I have left. Here I sit in the afternoon. Visions have been flowing like two-bit whores at every step of my work today. I no longer have much strength in trying to extricate the imagery from my head during the day. I can’t fucking help it because my situation has been worsening by the day. I see everything that I saw, if that makes any sense. Sometimes I hit the booze a little earlier than my typical schedule, and the result is my switching from video media to music. That helps, sometimes. The music of life carries its own issues, however, and some are worse than the visions. All I can do is keep going and see what happens. Wow. This morning has been tedious, yet rewarding. Busy, too. I am overjoyed to finally have some time to sit here and think. I’ve been fairly productive up to this point thanks to some motivation through the weekend. Oksana has beautiful hands and fingers. They are most pronounced in a few key shots but not often. This episode displays both her hands from one specific angle and they appear amazing. I love the way her fingers look in certain positions. What was I saying? Ah... The deep need for peace and quiet today combined with as much time as I desire sitting at the control center. This process is both good and bad, however. I never know what type of morning is in store for me until working here for a little while. I need to build, damn it. No more of this tooling around and not thinking clearly, and then staring at everything as if there can be no solid direction. I’ve been rolling through the days from such a standpoint for too long. I need to fortify. And a bit of Cameron... ‘I am not going to sit on my ass... As the events that affect me unfold to determine the course of my life. I’m gonna take a stand.’ Thanks, buddy. That’s an old one, yet it is still relevant after all this time. My situation is unlike what Cameron was referencing. The connection is the fact that he felt weak and ineffective with regard to one specific aspect of his life. I feel similarly, yet with more than one part of life. Building is always helpful, too. When I begin to fall down, there is always a split-second when my head can recover by changing direction toward the positive; even just a little. Last week there were several days when I reached that point and took the easy way forward rather than fortifying. I sidestepped many ideas. That type of behavior is born of decision making, honestly. Everything around this house boils down to a decision. Today I have decided to build. In a little while I’ll take care of half the routine and then visit the shopping center to the north, and upon returning I’ll have to take the other set of rails through this day. Monday is perfect for creating a line. Mid-morning. I have to head out after lunch to visit the goddess market and cigarette store, although I may opt for the little dairy around the corner. Since I have to head over the hill tomorrow to trade in my old phone, I might wait until then to do everything in one loop. I can grab one pack of cigarettes today that will tide me over until then. If I wait until tomorrow to do the shopping, perhaps I can relax at one of my favorite places for a nice lunch while out. I’ll figure it out by the time my morning cocktail is gone. And there is Nicole, the slender sister. My daily business is finished aside from drying the dishes. They can drip for a while before I transition out of this office for some straightening and laundry. The gardeners are here. Very nice. Fortification. Hmm. Generating cash and ensuring things are in order in case the shit hits the fan (hard) has become very important to me lately. I’ve already streamlined some of our emergency supplies, too. The shoulder bag is ready to go, as is part of the other bag we keep in the garage. I need to update that one, though. Maybe I should pour a nice glass of the foggy blue and put on some music. Heh. No. Later. I went to both stores in the interest of easing my day tomorrow. Everything was fine and I didn’t see anything like months ago, thank goodness. Now I have laundry in the washer and a few other items to finish, everything now seemingly easier due to the shopping being done already. My free time is in full swing just as I had hoped, yet my insides are unable to accomplish anything positive. All I have is the housework. I can see the weather ramping up outside again, and this is supposedly the twelfth storm of decent power since January. The backyard still has pools of water from last Thursday, too. That means the levels have not had adequate time to recede prior to this latest forecast. Looks like I picked the wrong day for an appointment to trade my phone. Maybe I’ll postpone it for two days. Ah... Better. The weather should have improved by then. If not, I’ll go in the rain. Whatever. The laundry is finished and I have everything ready for dinner. Tuesday morning has arrived with zero fanfare for the common webmaster (if anyone even uses such a term these days). The weather outside is frightful this morning. Everything is quite dark and the wind is gusting all over the place. Sideways rain went into my ear when I stepped out the door for a moment. Yesterday went ok I guess. I took care of everything that had been planned, plus I made revolutions for dinner tonight at the same time. The shopping is out of the way thanks to having my car again, meaning I need not leave the house today. I can remain here and enjoy watching the crazy weather through my window or from the garage. I’d like to spend more time listing another watch today because the first one will sell in a few hours and I need to keep the train rolling while pulling down some funds. Since the weather is a bit nuts right now, I’ll probably remain indoors as much as possible. I can work on the auctions, streamline the office, and take care of whatever else seems best. In a little bit, I’m going to see if I can open the big garage door without issue. Usually it’s fine as long as I leave the smaller door to the backyard closed. Both of them open results in a hell of a wind ‘tunnel’ through the area. Not good. I think I’ll head out there right now and see how the roof drainage is doing. Yikes, the wind is out of control. One minute it is steady, and the next there are gusts. The rain is lighter, though. My backyard is flooded just as I had suspected. At least I have the garage open so I can enjoy the show when taking a break out there. I guess the wind is going to taper off this afternoon. I’m never worried about the water because we are not near any creeks, but the wind can threaten the tree in our front yard. It’s pretty fucking tall. My car is in the driveway just in case. I need to make sure things are charged just in case the power goes off again. Ugh. Worse? The fuckin intanet could go down. Thankfully, the bulk of the gusting winds are coming from the south, meaning I can leave the big door open. My three huge vodka bottles have to remain off their lighted platform, though. I can’t risk them being damaged. Jamie is on the screen. Oh, my. Nicole, too, God bless her sad eyes. Maybe she will hold me. The fortification shall continue today. Whatever I can accomplish inside the house or garage can contribute to – and possibly improve – my mood of late. I need to know that my little apple cart stays upright. I don’t even want little bumps. The high holyform enters my head and enough points throughout each day that I need to direct my head toward anything productive just to make my way through the hours. She is a fucking dream and there is no getting around such a fact anymore. She is the focus right now, just like others in the past. Not one of them has pulled at me with such power, however. Her form is holy and I worship it. The work today has to lead to both an evening of comfort and some way for me to push her form out of my head, even just for a short time. I believe the auctions are helping, as are my efforts in maintaining the house on a daily basis. Regardless of how much I need to push myself to find motivation, the fact is that whether a weekday is good or bad, when I reach the close of business hours with some things completed (or improved), everything feels better and I tend to dwell upon her less. I suppose much of it is to distract myself from dreaming of things I cannot possess or situations which will forever be impossible. All that shit damages me. I have to try. When the coffee is gone, I’ll begin with my routine and then branch out from there. Unrelated? I think the neighbors two doors up the street have an au pair. Wow. The girl has a hell of a time parallel parking, too. Heh. Whatever. I see her all the time. The other one? Is she real? I believe you already know the next question. Ask it again.
I just realized that my garage camera relies upon an extension cord; the very same that I need for the hot pot in the dining room. That reminds me of the power situation in the garage. I have to run a line for the camera and then branch off to install a weatherproof receptacle under the eave for Christmas lights. I haven’t touched that project yet. Maybe if the weather threatens my open door, I can close it and work out there for a while. The job will be a pain, but it needs to be done for my peace of mind. The past visions catch up to me daily. I’ve seen far more than I can handle, honestly. I’ve seen lines and breasts and clothing that drives me insane. I still can’t believe her form. Oh, and the smile. And her voice. Real? Well, that doesn’t matter anymore. She is real enough to me and I’ve seen plenty for a lifetime of daydreaming. Like I used to say about Andrea, I need all of her all over all of me, grammar be damned. I don’t care because she is all the way up and I worship her form. Worship is unhealthy unless coming from a standpoint of religion. My mental and emotional stability become upended with each sighting. Believe it. My brain is derailed every fucking time and I can barely deal with the situation. Life is heeled over and I fear it may turn upside down very soon. The fortification must proceed unimpeded or I’ll lose my shit. Well, I am into the mid-morning and my daily housework routine is finished. I am not going to run any laundry today, though, because the wind is still gusting and I fear the power will shut down. The furnace is on schedule right now rather than warming the house because I don’t want it running if we indeed lose power. This type of situation helps me to relax about the holyform. It really does. There are larger concerns between the wind and power situation, not to mention the possibility of losing the Internet again. There is plenty of battery power available for such an event, so if the shit hits the fan like last week, I can transfer the video media to my phone. The battery in that device is good for two days of operation between charges, and my wireless MDRs can run for upwards of forty hours without the need to plug in. At least the rain has eased up a bit. There is mostly drizzle right now but it is going sideways at a hell of an angle due to the wind. I am still worried about the tree, too. My neighbor looked at it during the previous storm and expressed all confidence that it is far too strong to come down or fracture. That helps. I just caught an update stating that the high wind warning will be in effect until eleven tonight. It is gusting to near seventy miles per hour. Yikes. If necessary, I’ll switch to emergency mode soon. I don’t mind because the house is always prepared, plus my power situation can be dealt with fairly easily. I feel very weak due to having such a need to have the media keeping me company, to be honest. The fact is my lifestyle has changed since the outset of the pandemic and harks back to the Midwest when my friends and family kept me company while home on weekdays. No matter how bad the weather may become, I always have a plan. I suppose there is nothing wrong with being prepared, even considering how badly I would react to a lack of my choice of entertainment. I was born in the sixties, but still identify myself as a ‘child of the seventies’. That grew from television. However I may be viewed for such a stance, the need is such that I don’t fucking care. And speaking of ‘need’, there is a big glass of whiskey perched just below the gangsters. Ho-ly fuck is the wind ever strong. It’s a miracle the power is still holding on. I’m ready, just in case. The time is still early, but I’m having lunch now so I can move to the garage and keep an eye on everything. I have some things stored atop the big cabinets, and the eave vent next to that area is suffering from excessive wind gusts. I need to get up there and make sure the materials are not getting damaged. Moreover, I always feel better when I am ‘connected’ to the weather just in case something goes wrong. I am a pretty capable person, meaning I have contingencies in mind all the time. That may have been born of the war in the east combined with tensions between China and Taiwan underpinned by our military presence in that area. Whatever the cause or hybrid mindset, I am thinking about defense and disaster every day. Do you know what that means? That’s right... The holyform and the thousand other issues in my brain have been switched off completely. Shit. I’ve been completely screwed by the auction. I was hoping that the watch would garner a higher price, but such is the risk of listing with that type of format. I’ll put the money to good use. At some point I’ll list the other one. Prior to lunch, the wind gusted so strongly that we lost two more sections of the patio cover. I had to go out there and pull one off, while the other separated itself completely and fell to the ground. Considering the way I feel today, I really don’t give a shit if the whole assembly is destroyed. So long as nothing flies into someone else’s yard, I just don’t care. The wind has been frightening, to be honest. I even found a shingle from my neighbor’s roof in my yard. Yikes. The warning is in place until late tonight. I’m looking forward to some tame weather. Wednesday, mid-morning. My routine is finished and I went to the market. After being without the car for weeks, it’s nice to have the ability to go shopping when need be. The weather is sunny and warm today in stark contrast to yesterday’s heavy storm. I believe tomorrow will follow suit before more rain arrives. I’m hoping that the pools of water in the backyard will dry prior to the weather becoming wet again. The rest of today will be spent between the office and some laundry work. I didn’t want to run the machines yesterday for fear of the power going off during a cycle. I will also grab some images of the second watch so I can list it for auction. My expectation is better exposure this time. The other one did not fetch a high price, and that may have been due in part to my description. You’d think I would know how to provide a quality listing after more than twenty years of successful and highly-rated selling. Ugh. The second watch should not disappoint. At least I already shipped it. This afternoon I’ll be installing and connecting a new television for my neighbor, but other than that I plan to remain home. I may or may not perform some organization in the garage after lunch. Right now my need is to relax at the editor and follow along with my program on the right-hand display. I went on another journey down memory lane last night after opting for a movie that I first saw in the dome back in the seventies. I nearly went off the deep end, too, but caught myself before lamenting an entire lifestyle which disappeared. The glowing period of life is difficult to top, yet I must say that rediscovering the theatre during the late nineties ushered in another era of wonder, one that continued to shine well into the early aughts. If I sit here for the next decade in an attempt to convey the feelings for that place and all which transpired there, I would still fall short of the real vision. I don’t believe I can ever fully describe my love for arriving at that theatre at six in the morning for a showing that took place at seven in the evening. The entire experience was magical, especially during the premieres of three particular films. And yes, I said FILM. Going on a tirade about film and the past on the site is fine, but I do my best to avoid such behavior in the evening, most notably after I’ve had a few drinks. Don’t even fucking get me started. Disaster was averted last night because I know better these days. Very few people feel the way I do, meaning I need to keep my feelings to myself nearly all of the time. The memories of such a place and those times are difficult these days. Everything has changed so much that sometimes I feel there can be no more wonder. That is a sad realization. Missing such a place makes me want to fortify, believe it or not. Anger can be productive. The more I think about that part of life, the more upset I become, and generally speaking, the mood leads to improvements around the house. Or, the anger can drive me to sell items. On such a front, an evening of reminiscing is not entirely a bad thing. Maybe I’ll do more of it tonight. I can never say enough about the deep emotional connection I had with the theatre. It was amazing. Lunch is in the oven. After trying a burrito from the closest taqueria, sometimes I find it difficult to prepare lunch rather than just ordering. Heh. Good stuff. I made it to the middle of the afternoon without incident. The laundry is in process and everything else is finished. I’ll be heading to my neighbor’s house in about three hours to install her television. Dinner tonight will be a very simple process, leaving me lots of time to take it easy and try to relax. Thursday morning, 0656, and I have my nice coffee and the show. I also have fleeting memories of dreams from sometime during the night. I can’t recall situations or other details, but the feelings are in my heart. Something dramatic took place while I slept and I can’t shake the idea that the wonder of that girl was close to me, perhaps very much so. This morning my head is fighting a battle between the dreams and the glow, the latter pushing its way into me due to the holiday season being missed whenever I am reminded of it. Red and green M&Ms can’t fix everything. I wish I could remember the dreams, damn it. I need them because reality is not good anymore. I have to go to the phone store this morning to drop off my trade-in. On the return, I may or may not visit the hardware store for a few items, most notably a dimmer for the dining room light. Right now I really don’t feel like shopping, though. Maybe I’ll just do the trade-in and return home. Sometimes I don’t like being out there among society. It makes me uncomfortable. The chances of seeing something special these days have been minimized due to my vision being so fucking skewed anymore, so what may have been striking years ago is now commonplace. At least that helps when I need to go shopping.
1148. My daily routine is finished and I went to the store to drop off the old phone. The weather is nice and sunny, so perhaps after lunch I can head to the garage for a bit of organization. I also need to fabricate a support for the laundry shelves. There is a lot of weight on them these days, including one of my old speakers mounted on the top shelf. I’m sure there is no issue, yet every time I look over there, I feel that the leverage is excessive. The support will be threaded rods coupled and mounted way up on one of the trusses. Once finished, I’ll feel better about the load. I ordered lunch to be delivered and dinner is in the slow cooker. Very nice. The roast and salad plan for this evening means very little prep work and not much to the kitchen tomorrow. Despite so much rain since the beginning of the year, I am still endeavoring to save water. I don’t see any reason to be excessive with usage. ‘Captain or no captain, right now we’re just two assholes lost in the woods’. Awesome. And yes, that means my program is on the right-hand display just above a nice glass of whiskey. Today is one of those examples of my appreciation for being home. I took care of business – both up the highway and inside the house – meaning I can relax and do whatever seems most important for my remaining hours alone. Friday, prior to the early business. I fabricated the entire support for the laundry shelf and installed it yesterday afternoon. I honestly don’t have that much confidence in the upper mount, though. It’s not as stout as I’d prefer, so I may have to address it one of these days. At least I built the whole thing. Working out there was kind of nice, too, because the sun was warm and I had my program (fourth show) in the background to keep me company. I took care of the dry cleaning during the early afternoon. 0845. Last night was a toughie. I had been watching a documentary and it hit on a sensitive topic a few times and forced me to look back about fifteen years or so and recall where I was in life at the time. I need to remember to stick to fiction most of the time unless the subject matter is completely alien to me. Whenever I run across reminders of a certain period and everything with which I had been involved, sadness washes over me for a few days, if not longer. That issue goes for the space program as well as defense electronics. The latter also involves audio, but I don’t really want to get into that one today. Very bad. The feeling often sends me back in time all the way to the beginning of the glow. Once I’m there, everything turns to shit. This morning, much of the difficulty has faded, although I know it will return soon enough. 1021. I finished the early housework and I have the requisite glass of depressant next to me, and yes, it is perched just below the right-hand display where my show is running. I don’t know where this day is going to lead. The sun is shining again, meaning I could advance a few things in the garage, but I really don’t feel like working out there right now. Ah, fuck. I was just reminded of a massive part of life which has been a point of contention for more than thirty years. Well, much longer than that, actually, yet it was more heavily discussed roughly thirty-odd years ago. The topic is roughly equivalent to the huge bullshit lie from the eighties that has followed me at every step of life since the problem first developed. Now I don’t feel like a whole person for the billionth time. The keywords come to mind when I vacillate over the past, too. That is an enormous problem in and of itself, and often leaves me to realize that the only things I have left in the world are words. Yep... Words on these pages. I have zero direction anymore and spend much of my time drowning within the realization that of all the ‘things’ I wanted to do in my ‘later years’, the situation is such that the percentage of them is less than one. Frankly, I am still surprised to have revisited the Sea five years ago and lived through one hell of a fantastic week. There shall be no repeat of that unless I force it, and such a stance will result in me feeling as if I am being unfair. Maybe this should have been the content of a different paragraph. Wait... What does that matter? No one is listening anyway, not that I expect anyone to be there, honestly. I expect exactly nothing good whatsoever. This day may be taking shape. Oy, mama. Holy shit. My mood is changing, but not necessarily for the worse. I see it as an improvement. ‘Mortgage on my life’. God damn it all, anyway. Today is going to move in the most necessary direction imaginable. Saturday morning, 0848. Last night we finally swapped the motorcycles, meaning whenever I have free time I can work on the teardown process. I’m surprised we both had the time, and on the same day. Prior to that, I worked inside one of the closets and reorganized a few things in the interest of again trying to create space. Empty space, that is. Everything in the house is a cycle, meaning wherever I choose to work, eventually things move around or go into the trash for the purpose of streamlining and ending up with less clutter. Small changes lead to larger ones. I can only do a little at a time, however, because of the difficulty in making stuff disappear, much like the sections of fiberglass that blew off the patio cover. I cut them up into small squares so they fit in the trash can. That is but one example. Anyway, I have to go out to run an errand (possibly two) in a little while and will continue my housework and gradual improvements upon returning. Like always, I am very much looking forward to arriving home after being in the fold of society. Yesterday didn’t go in the direction I expected. The mood mellowed over time. Today I am feeling the same and only wish to remain here all day, but going out does provide the aforementioned reward. Pants. Light blue and very unexpected, although the produce market always carries with it a large contingent of people who wish to eat healthy. That leads to some of those visions I see at the goddess market, too. The girl I saw today caused nothing more than sadness. No desire, no obsessive gazing, just sadness. I had not seen that particular color before. Very interesting. Upon returning home, I took care of a little business and then lunch. The late afternoon was spent in the garage for a little while. I drained the tank on the bike and then cleaned up the area. Perhaps tomorrow I can look at pulling the tank off once my Sunday business is finished. Sunday, 0723. I have coffee and a view of the rainy weather outside. There is something about Ralphie’s comare in this episode. Her face is the type I would normally avoid, yet at the same time I am compelled to freeze the video and capture her for study. I can’t put my finger on any aspect that stands out aside from her nose. Hmm. Whatever. Most of the time my focus is elsewhere. You know. The point is every time this episode rolls around I see her and don’t know what to think. Cute, though. Oh, and her stomach is flat as a pancake. Just a thought. Sitting here during the early hours sometimes has me at sixes and sevens over the visions and such, meaning watching some of these programs during the morning is probably not a good idea. I do it anyway because I am a basket case. Something reminds me of the high holyform and my mind goes into a tailspin. Afterward, any little smidgen of a view on the display drives me into the ground. If my typical cycle holds, I’ll finish the coffee and then become angry over the holyform. That will lead me to fortify. And now there is the French girl again with her incredible lips and shoulders. Jesus, would I ever love to slather all of her. She is five-eight. Damn. All lanky and silly. What I wouldn’t give to lick all of her. This entry has gone nowhere from the beginning. I am only capable of clear thinking for very short periods each day, and right now my head is all foggy again. I guess this is the end of the current work. I'll begin anew in a little while. Gral semivivus... Again. Ugh."
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