April 10th, 2022 7:54am pdt If you are visiting for the first time, go to the beginning. Eddie the Drunk read ( words) "'Don't attach that fucking word to me or even an image of me in your mind. You are not qualified to make such a determination, nor is anyone else. Write it down and burn the paper, and then write it in ink on your forehead and likewise burn it. Yes, burn your forehead. The word is beyond your understanding and has become one of the largest points of contention on earth. Too bad, eh? Just shut your fucking face and forget you ever heard it.' Again with the shit paragraph? Yep, again with the shit paragraph. It's important. Live with it. 0853 and the previous entry will now continue to bleed, right into this one. The stupid shit came up again last night but it was not the fault of anyone in particular, only a natural conversation born of a young person being there in the garage with the adults. 0800 straight up on Monday morning. The flags are already out. I'm going to try to get them up at dawn each day. Last night they came down near sunset. The morning business is out of the way and I have hours to myself to do whatever is best for me. Unfortunately, the day is going to have to go up from here because I already had problems right out of the fucking gate. My feelings do not seem to matter anymore. I fail to know why. And right there is the rub of the title. I'll do my best to keep busy today and then relax this evening. Eddie had his issues, yet none of them mattered in the context of the workplace. I think he had been hired as a temp in those days, but I can't be certain. I was originally hired on a temporary basis for ninety days before being brought in as a permanent employee. In any case, he seemed strange from the beginning. Honestly, his personality and mannerisms reminded me of my own uncle, believe it or not. Even some facial expressions. I believe that is why I tended to help him more than others. They seemed to be overly standoffish when it came to anything he may have needed. The guy went to the same gas station every day at lunch and downed a couple of tall cans, eventually leading to his nickname around the glass plant... 'Eddie the drunk'. Well, that was also a trait my uncle shared. I understood and never criticized his behavior. Eddie, too. I am a nice person. Something desperate in Eddie's eyes pressed me to always help. I cannot explain it now, all these years later, but at the time I felt for him when everyone seemed to leave him alone. Eddie didn't care, either. He was so laid back in life and at work that nothing phased him, no matter the circumstances. He was in a perpetual easygoing mood. The more I worked with him, the more he resembled my uncle. Some sort of connection to my estranged family member kept me nearby when Eddie was at work. I taught Eddie some of the skills I'd picked up from my brother-in-law as well, because no one else felt Eddie was able to learn. Sometimes when I looked at him off in the distance doing his glass work, I nearly teared up due to the feelings for my uncle. Eddie did not work in the plant very long. I believe within six months he went elsewhere due to being forced to move from his apartment. The circumstances are a mystery. I never saw him again. When others in the department saw him as a walking punch line, I saw a person with a heart, soul and feelings. That sort of behavior takes place often these days. Eddie's facial expressions remind me of a situation on the freeway some years ago, probably around the post-glow after I had moved back to California. I was again working at the glass plant, of all places. I knew the work and they always liked me, so I took the job again rather than seeking something else. That was also the period of the big electronics stores and computer building for the first time. So, I remember driving home through my old hometown (usually I drove in the middle lane as there were less speed changes there) and beginning to head up the hill during warm weather. My car had very little power to begin with, meaning when the air conditioning was running it robbed precious horses from the car's ability to hold its speed uphill. I often had to shut it down and then drop a gear just to maintain freeway speed around others, or just moved over to the right lane so the speedy cars could pass. More than once I received an unpleasant expression as someone passed by. Whatever. I could do nothing about it because that little underpowered car was all I could afford at the time. Cut to roughly fifteen years later -- possibly a bit less -- and there I am cruising home in my 'dream' car I was able to secure after working toward financial goals like our house. The year was ten, summer time. My Slipper had power to spare, meaning I no longer needed to worry about going uphill or any other situation which required the right foot to be planted. As I rolled along in the middle lane like always, my speed had to drop because a small, older car was plodding along just under the limit. Well, I simply moved over and slowly passed the smoky machine. Coming alongside and being the curious individual I was, my head turned to see who was driving that car. And there it was... The 'situation'. I looked over and there was a guy doing his best to get the car up that hill, the expression on his face telling me that he was unsure if the car would make it much further AT ALL. That used to be me, in one of two cheap vehicles. Always worried about whether or not the cars would get from point A to B short of dying. I saw him, concerned and overheated in the hot wind, and then saw myself sitting there earlier in life and looking at the other, nicer cars with their tremendous power and cool air flowing from the dash. I was sitting in my sports/dream car I had wanted for TWO FUCKING DECADES and seeing myself. Instantly my heart collapsed and I felt for him. I was there... Years of worrying and never being in any sort of position to drive something more reliable or nicer. I didn't necessarily feel like shit, my heart went over there and I wished him well. Eddie taught me to try either understanding people's individual problems or simply accepting them and seeing a 'person' rather than a 'difficulty'. The freeway snapped me out of my air-conditioned, dreamy state and slammed me back a decade and a half to Eddie's silly, smiling face asking me to help him carry a piece of glass. I cannot be unkind, no matter with whom I am concerned. I turned out the way I am because of a handful of situations combined with a shitload of fear. Time for some business. 1102 and the routine is finished along with a load of laundry (so I can wear pants). I need to dash to the smoke shop and market when the cocktail is gone. A few staples for the hot pot tomorrow and dinner tonight. I'll be back quickly, too. I don't need to go in there and see all sorts of goddess pants and bouncing breasts, so earlier is better. Even lunch hour can be tough on my sense of weakness. It's all bad. In and out as efficiently as possible these days. I have literally not gone further than the side walk in a solid week, meaning that fear of leaving during the early part of the pandemic is returning. I already know I'll be able to drive there and back with few issues because I've done it many times in the last two years. I just don't want to see anything. These late days have proven that the slightest strike can be crippling and long-lasting inside my head. Upon returning, I'll embrace the solitude again and work on the model. Photography of that monster has been going very well lately. I wish to continue. The Polynesian Village Resort is here gracing the entry because I've been preoccupied with visions of Andrea's rear end gyrating along the hallways. I'll never see anything of the sort again. At least, nothing I can embrace. So sad. Everything is gone now. No one to help me with the obsession, no one there listening and trying to understand, and no one over whom to offer gushing words of appreciation. This is all so very bad now. I don't know how much longer I can toe the line of life with such a mass of emptiness. I still see Eddie's silly facial expressions. He was a nice person... Just one whose life had been mismanaged. Like mine. I am actually physically fearful of seeing a darkher at the market. Ugh. That town helped to define what I am today 0655 on Tuesday. The trip up the highway yesterday was not a big deal. Still, I am always happy to arrive back home without anyone seeing this gaping hole in me. Two stops and I returned here and stayed behind closed doors for the duration. Everyone in the market was very pleasant, as always. Nothing of concern. Once I settled back into my cocoon, the model awaited because I did not know which way to turn. Any activity aside from the laundry seemed too much for me. I sat and finished the big car but did not set up my camera again. Maybe today. I made dinner, the usual whatevers, evening, blah, blah, blah whatevercakes. The other day I saw the guy from around the corner walking his dog. He asked if I've been working so I told him I am retired. Heh. I am a needle at zero going in the other direction, but he has no idea whatsoever. I just happen to be in a situation that allows me to be home all the time. Sometimes when I greet him out there on the street I think of Eddie. I have to rein in my opinion after hours. No one ever agrees with me, nor do they enjoy hearing my words on any controversial subject, so speaking needs to be avoided. In fact, I don't believe anyone has ever enjoyed my words or agreed, even going back to the glow. In the previous section I mentioned there is no one listening. That has to do with deeper issues, not current events. I honestly would love to throw everything out there and see what develops, yet I don't know if there will ever be a possibility of such an idea coming to pass. Either I become too frightened, or push them away. I've pushed so many people away that I can't even recall all of them. Almost time for my morning business. Afterward I may sit here for a couple of hours and type. And here I am, as predicted. The morning business is finished and I have the entire day to myself now. Not bad. The flags are out, as well. I'm trying to remain consistent with displaying both each day at roughly the same time. Up at dawn, down at dusk, says the federal flag code. I do not have lights out there... Yet. A lady from the neighborhood knocked on the door the other day to ask from where I purchased the Ukraine flag. Very nice, that person. I'm glad to see others are willing to demonstrate support. After seeing how another person reacts to my discussion of the subject, I suppose the flag is the only way I can express my opinion anymore. Whatever. Nearly the trailing end of the glow, this episode. The very beginning of ninety-three. Ah... The time was growing late, yet still that year had its share of enjoyments. By summer, I was in the radio club and wheeling/dealing across town with secondhand tools and equipment. That was funny. The glow comes to mind often, even during a series which did not originally air at the time. I am a crazy person. So, the day being all mine can mean several different possible situations. The main focus for me today is to ensure that the evening feels nice. I can't sit here in the evening and feel as if the comfort has not been earned. 0840. The news is pushing me to fortify a bit while caring for my daily business. I need to at least 'feel' as if I am doing something along such lines. The situation angers me, as I am certain it does many others around the world. I can move some shit around and think clearly about steps toward feeling the house will be ok of the conflict expands. Of course, there is not much that can be done in the largest picture, unless a conventional conflict grows out of what has already taken place in the east. Right now I honestly do not fucking know what will happen in the coming weeks and months, so moving toward little goals with regard to emergencies or survival seem appropriate and can help to alleviate my frustration. I am not a conspiracy theorist, though. Paranoia is not my thing. I simply need to work a little. All these sanctions and financial blows combined with 'outrage' and such from around the world are going to accomplish exactly shit, really. The people dictating moves over there are not going to be flustered or threatened by restrictions, monetary or otherwise. Therein lies the massive rub... Anything forceful and we will cause them to flare and expand operations into NATO. Threats do not hold weight, just like a poker game. Bluffing only works if one player can honestly see that the other player's mouth is dry. We cannot begin using weapons or there could be an expansion from which there is no going back. This is a good portion for the reason for so much frustration. We can only do so much without further provocation, the end result of which could be the end of the world. Ugh. Enough for now. Not an easy subject, for sure. In addition to the usual, I need to care for some laundry. Right now my feeling is such that the next model will end up the subject of much photography. After realizing things I had been doing wrong with the camera ever since the car show, I have improved the image clarity and color definition a measure. The next car needs to remain partially built so as to yield the camera many varying colors, which always make for more interesting shots. The first car is now considered just a run-through, or trial, to allow me to learn this new facet of closeup imaging. The next one should be better and I am really looking forward to the results. I may or may not work on it today. Dinner tonight is going to take up the entire table so I have to make sure it's cleared early. Plenty of time. 1032 and the routine is finished. Laundry is in process and the garage is closed. That door is typically open all day long in order to maintain temperature and keep an eye on whatever may be happening outside the house. Today my garage is closed off because I am closed off. I don't want people seeing what's going on with my day. The laundry can dry on the rack without prying eyes. I have yet to completely polish the kitchen because at some point I will make some lunch. I can finalize the work in there afterward so everything is ready for dinner. Drink in hand, as well. I need the alcohol for suppressing desire and anger. So far, so good. Janina has the dark hair and eyes, yet not the features of a darkher. That is good. The other one -- Vedette -- also has the darker traits, yet she is the most frightening type of character imaginable. I will leave out any specifics, though. There are too many stereotypes floating around in this world for me to label anyone. She is an actor, yet the character scares the hell out of me. Almost the level of fear Ray had with nanotechnology. The fact that she frightens me should not be surprising considering the sheer amount of dreaming I've done over the last two years. There are few aspects of darkness which can be attributed to my desire. Very few, in fact. I don't know if I'll work on the other big car today. Right now I am not feeling it, mostly because of the effort required in breaking out all the pieces and organizing. If I am to have the dining table in order by this afternoon, that leaves minimal time for piecing together enough of the car for minimizing storage later. I don't want to make a mess. Moreover, if I build enough for photographing, that means all the camera stuff comes out. More to straighten later. What I wouldn't give for the ability to go back... Even just for a few minutes. I need 'her'. I need far too much these days. Everything is pain and disappointment. Every fucking thing. Irrelevant. My feelings do not matter. Oh all that shit just keeps affecting me in ways I cannot describe here. I still hear all of it... All the shit from multiple angles and threatening trajectories. From everywhere, really. Media? Not to blame. Imagery? Not to blame. Me? Not to blame. Sources of cutting words? Not to blame. Those deceased people from many years ago? They are responsible. Every fucking day I think of all those words and situations, pictures and damaging animated scenery that will not fucking go away. Nothing I can do will help me exit from this hellish highway, and the worst aspect to everything is that I am alone like never before. Alone in my thoughts. No one is listening. I swear -- and there have been many threats here in the last ten years -- I will cause bad things to happen if this goes on much longer. Not the guy who drilled a hole in his head, though. Much worse. My thoughts are about as bad as bad can get right now. I just keep hearing it over and over. There are many definitions of hell. I have my own. Time to move the laundry around. 1056. I see a loss of direction very soon. The Andrea corridor 1139 and the laundry is finished for today. While in the garage, I blasted (and I mean BLASTED) some songs as I folded and hung the clothes. Both doors closed means the neighborhood was likely unaffected, yet right now I am beginning to feel the pull of working out there and making a noisy statement to identify to passers by that this house is not one to be trifled. I can't be certain the work is a good idea right now. My brain has been somewhat loosened by the morning cocktail, so anything done outside must be approached with care. I don't need to lose my fucking way today. That has happened on too many occasions already. 'I swear I will BURN THIS FUCKIN' TACO STAND TO THE GROUND!' Ah, that is good stuff. I wish I could be something more than what I am. Let that statement burn in real good, too. Read it over and over, because those who utter such words at an advanced age are empty; bereft of hope and full of regret. Believe it, fuckheads. Today is not a good day. I need to see those two having sex again like I need a fucking hole in my forehead. What happened to the topic? 0709 on Wednesday. I just realized I never replied to my sister regarding a visit. Figures. I have a little time before morning business, coffee on the right, vampires and other 'supers' up there, and the flags are once again outside on display. Today already seems like one of those in which once I have the house to myself I am fairly overjoyed. I still have not been anywhere further than one of the two markets in weeks. Being here is what I need most right now. Well, there are other things in life that I need, too. But I can't go into that right now, maybe never. I have been handed cards. As for today, it should be a continuation of yesterday, meaning a bit of laundry and some more work on the big model. I might move the furniture around and do some floor cleaning in one of the bedrooms, a project I began yesterday. Kind of a pain, but improvement is necessary sometimes. 0817 and not only do I have the day to myself, but I also pushed part of the routine a bit. That means less work when I decide to walk away from this crap. My family is up there -- usually they are the morning choice while chores are going -- but I will switch soon back to the vampires. One of Nora's scenes is incoming, although I don't recall exactly when. My tripod mount for the phone will be arriving Friday, too. After that, I fully intend to record her for filing away and saving so I can see her gait anytime. Good? Bad? Twisted? I don't care. This is me. All the way back to snapping the instamatic to secure Barbi or Lisa in the early eighties, this type of thing. Difficulty goes with the territory of each day now. This feels permanent. At some point every fucking day I will recall those moments and situations of the past which are now so far away that they feel like nothing more than dreams while I slept. Did all that really happen? All that time? Money? The most recent desperate dash from reality was in eleven when I ran away for what felt like the tenth time in a year. I believe my head is a little better now, although I can only speak of being so desperate that I would have turned any fucking corner in hopes of finding some understanding. Now? I no longer believe it exists, but the betterment is apparent in the fact that my lifestyle is at least more stable. There are pieces missing inside and outside and I can't do fuck-all about any of it. All I can do is attempt to be comfortable. Nothing will go away and no one is listening. This is one of the most unique situations within which I have ever been buried. I still can't believe I'm sitting here right now. And I believe the level of difficulty I experience day after miserable day is actually much worse due to the past. Had none of that taken place, I would barely know the difference. Better to have... What? No fucking way, people. Failed. Foiled? Both. 0921. Some paths have no turns. The remainder of the day feels nice right now, yet I know at some point I will likely lose drive. Yesterday I successfully avoided falling into the afternoon 'trap' of returning to this exposition and remaining idle for an hour or two. The goal was to spread my efforts over time and instead of relaxing on the sofa, choosing to take little breaks here and there. I still worked on the model and exercised the big camera, yet never fell down and completely lost my way. I am going to try employing a similar method today. Right now I feel very small, so I haven't switched to the vampires yet. My family is still up there by way of the fourth show. Sometimes I just need the familiarity. Martha was effective and compelling in this role. I've always felt that way. Years ago I did become irritated by some of her lines and actions, but the truth is I was not thinking of her as a character as much as I do now. She is awesome, as is the multi-part storyline. The weather is already warmer than yesterday afternoon. Perhaps I can spend time in the garage rather than only being out there for breaks. The motivation to do anything outside the typical daily scope is hard to come by and feels haphazard. Sometimes I really get into something far enough to be forced into finishing, rather like those jobs we did in the past involving a 'cut' which basically left us without any options other than completing the work. We would chop the main water line to a house. Afterward? No way around it. The work had to be finished and the water back on for the occupants, meaning we had no choice but to hop to the task. Yesterday I tore into the bedroom a little, knowing full well that it had to be back in order before close of business. Maybe I can get into a similar position today. The sunshine and temperature make any chores more comfortable. Eddie was goofy but a good person deep down. I could read that much. Like my uncle, he had a weakness which reared its head daily, yet nothing impeded his job performance. In fact, I could see a boost in effort after those lunch beers. For whatever reason, I felt for him early on due to others being standoffish as a result of his personality. Like an outcast, I suppose, but nothing serious. Just very different. So, I helped him with moving lites or setting up for a cutting operation as often as possible. My experience with all of the different tools and machinery came in handy and I ended up being sort of a surrogate teacher to make sure he learned and remained safe. I don't understand the mindset of people when it comes to how others are viewed, and much of that likely stemmed from being so introverted when I was young and combined with being picked on sometimes. I doubt Eddie had been the subject of the same, though. He was a formidable presence and came across as a 'loose cannon', for lack of better terms. Many probably kept their distance due to not knowing of what he may have been capable. Not long after he was hired and I was asked -- like a few other veterans -- to assist with his training, I could see something in the eyes that informed me of his concern about working in a new and unfamiliar location. My solution was to help Eddie feel comfortable and to give him a point of contact, as it were. Someone he could approach for any reason without hesitation. I also knew there was nothing for me to worry about. The eyes had it. I am still that person. Just like the work I did for the lady up the street, my brain fears being unkind to the wrong person. I had to help because I had the ability and equipment, the time being otherwise meaningless. Eddie may have helped her and others I've known by way of influencing me and forcing me to distance myself from those with whom I did not agree. I am sitting here right now satisfied with being completely alone because the only other option is associating with the same personality types that I viewed dealing with Eddie. Curious that I did not put all this together until just recently. 0948 and I am preoccupied with trying to figure myself out and learn. Soon I have to get to the routine. Sometimes the feelings inside me turn into goosebumps when I watch certain parts of these series play out. I become overwhelmed by sheer appreciation for many aspects of the writing and acting. They are my family, pushing that damned dream into my head often enough to leave me even more depressed than I already am on a regular basis. This is not an entirely a bad thing, believe it or not. Ugh The sheer level of mental comfort which accompanies my family keeping me company cannot be overstated here. Ever since the first of it -- back when the second show was actually running with new episodes on Thursday nights -- each viewing in all those different places I've lived became cumulative. I feel all of them when the stories play out. In the beginning was swing shift with my buddy, the same one I brought up during the afterglow when we visited the big electronics stores all the time and built our first computers. We worked the nights and on Thursdays had the VCRs set to record the show. When I arrived home sometime after midnight to have dinner, I would rewind the tape and watch the newest installment in my bedroom. The following day made us happy because it was Friday, plus we could discuss the previous night's episode at work. That period was during the glow and just after I met Eddie for his short-duration stint at the glass plant. Not until more than sixteen years later did the dream enter my head and force that exposition into me strongly enough for sharing on the official forums. No one responded in the context for which I had been hoping. The current period finds me dreaming of the same almost daily. Reasons are too many to list. 0738 and I am on the early shift today. My usual stuff will begin very soon, plus I have to run across town to drop off some coin rollers for people. Afterward will be whatever the hell I feel like doing, along with some camera work. I am still learning after all these years, too. Sometimes I believe I have a handle on many aspects of the exposure, only to later gaze at some shots and realize that I need practice or more learning. The first time I used a camera of this type was way back, likely fifteen years ago or so. You'd think by now my education might be further along, but alas... The process can be complex, especially when shooting long-exposure macro stuff. I'll get there. Anyway, the vampires will follow along with whatever I do later. Today is forecasted to be the warmest day of the year thus far. Yesterday was pretty warm, too. The house ended up into the mid-seventies by close of business. This morning I already have the furnace locked out so the weather can do its job later. I do enjoy the warmth sometimes, especially after having froze my ass off just a month ago and beyond. This year has by and large been very cool, mostly in the morning, and thus has not warmed the house very much. Yesterday was the first, I believe. Still a bit of coffee left. After it's gone I'll head north to drop off the rollers. I actually have the media off right now so I can think. Very different. Back to Eddie and me. A good portion of the reasoning I turned out this way is fear, followed closely by the example my father set as he cared for my mother from the mid-eighties until he left the world nine years ago. I can see some traits as they repeat in me, such as overly caring for others and lots of generosity, even toward those I really don't like very much. I can't help it, just as the example of working with Eddie described. My default position is to treat people as if they are people and nothing else, a standpoint echoed within one of my favorite movies. The character basically stated that his view was to treat everyone as a friend or no one, and it really didn't matter which. Well, I started out kind, so my view was clear from the beginning. Years later I became ridiculed because of such a lifestyle and greatly suffered for it, yet I still remained steadfast out of a need for acceptance, from whenever or wherever that may have materialized. Sometimes it worked, other times it went very badly. I cannot resist helping. The fear of my young life led to who I am right now, all anger and depression. Good and bad, really. I am a good person. So was Eddie. I can still see his face peering through the racks with wide eyes and asking me for some help. 0648 on Friday. The other Jamie up there, but something is wrong with her. I can't put my finger on it, yet one or more aspects of her form may be out of place and I did not notice before. Still amazing in a few ways, though. Some of her features are reminiscent of several different examples of the obsession. Yesterday formed into an exercise in patience with the mercury rising far beyond what I had expected. We spent a bit of time on the driveways relaxing, some more time in the backyard when the afternoon breeze came up, and then basically just sat around for the remainder of the evening due to the high temperature in the house. I maintained my water regiment, so I didn't lose my way or much energy. Over the last nine hours, the temperature has dropped more than twelve degrees. This morning should be fine for the routine and other activities. Ooh-fa. I almost forgot I need to deliver some specialty cheese to a friend of mine across town in three hours. No big deal, I suppose. Plus, I can swing into one of the markets on the return trip just in case we need a few things. Or maybe something for lunch. I don't know. Maybe aside from that little trip I will take it easy today and keep the workload light. I did not sit here for very long yesterday because I felt the air changing in the morning and knew I had to move around earlier rather than later. By one in the afternoon, the heat was already enough to prohibit anything heavy. I ended up next door for a little while... In the shade. I'm wondering if any member of NATO is going to do more than send support and condemn what they see playing out over there. It's pretty fucking bad and I am about to fully support an all-out attack on the Russian forces by as many nations as are willing to head into that area and begin mopping the floor. We already have a fucking strike group in the Mediterranean. Send it into the Black Sea along with one more, and then blast the holy shit out of the Russian forces until they completely give up, and then blast more. That is the only language that bald motherfucker is going to understand. Condemning acts and calling people names only means more will suffer at his hands. We need to blow the fuck out of them... Hard. Unrelenting. Don't give them a second to breathe. But? None of that is going to happen because everyone is worried about causing keys to turn. Personally, I really don't give a shit anymore. I'm tired of the world sitting still for this. Ok, no more of that unless I get pissed off again. No one is listening anyway. I could surf across Jurnee's lips sometimes. Holy fuck, already. And the other day with the faeries? Jesus fucking holy Christ on a rubber crutch... Artwork everywhere and over and over, especially one little morsel for a split second. I need to go back to that episode and cap her for all time. Asian breasts and all that goes with them, dark and alluring. Unbelievable. Hopefully today moves along very slowly. The time can stretch and allow me to think about everything that is important. 0853 and I am left to my devices. I don't have to drop off the cheese uptown for over an hour, plus we never cooked dinner last night so my kitchen will be a quick process. Some coffee left, flags out, cats splayed across the bed and sound asleep... Business as usual. I may or may not stop at the market for a few items on the return trip. This scene when Robert tells an ancient story to Kate is fantastic and one more reason why these shows are deep in my heart. At this late date, I still cannot believe how much I've held back from the site. Even if a reader begins to shape some of the information I've shared into a conclusion, they would be incorrect because no one has a clue as to what some of the analogies or euphemisms really mean. There are a few individuals who have spoken to me in person (only one during the past few years, though) and even those words had been veiled much of the time. There is so much more, however I cannot go into it because I already know of the outcome. I don't need any more bullshit in my life, so everything remains locked away. One entry spells out a few ideas but it will never be published and is so protected that even I have trouble viewing it. Believe me. We lived at the highest level I'll have to stay away from expressing my feelings about the conflict in the east. Too sensitive. Plus I am far too angry. 0912. A little over half an hour before I head across town. 1113 now. The weather is noticeably cooler than yesterday, thank the maker. I went across to the north end of town to deliver the cheese and ended up visiting with those guys for more than half an hour. Had I known they would be wanting to spend some time together, I would have planned better and brought some booze and stuff. The time there was really nice. Now I'm thinking we might consider a longer gathering to catch up more and do something more than what has become the norm for the last two years. Bailey is on the screen again, damn it. She forces thoughts better avoided, especially considering my deep-seated issues. Anyway, I already took care of the kitchen after returning and am now open for the rest of the day. I may work on the model in a little while because of how much comfort it can provide. I'd like to get another, yet the cost of those kits is quite high, and for good reason. Ah... Now the cheese recipient is messaging me about visiting more often due to our situations being very similar, as in him being home all the time like me and having identical schedules. That would be fantastic, both because he is very nice to speak with and the fact that I haven't wished to spend time at the bar lately. What a great idea. This could be just the type of thing to pull me up a bit. Wow. I suppose I'll figure out what to do for lunch and then work on the model again. It's just too fucking comfortable to pass. Also, I had the intention of doing as little as possible on this day just because I can. The camera will be involved, too. 0729 and Saturday morning coffee. I ended up going over the hill yesterday to get the hell out of here for a little while and have an inexpensive lunch. The drive was rather nice, and upon returning I indeed relaxed with the model and my show. Later in the afternoon I straightened the table and put the room back into living mode for the evening. Dinner, our show (which I am having much trouble following due to my hearing and the overly dynamic nature of the audio) and then sleep. Today will be a couple of errands and then housework, or perhaps the other way around. This morning I actually shut off the television because everything became irritating. Now the house is quiet. I've been looking into tilt-shift photography for a long time, I believe ever since my ex-partner rented one of those lenses to experiment. The Nikon TS lenses are very expensive, although there are some other branded units much cheaper. I may opt for something inexpensive to learn on before throwing a ton of money at the situation. I looked at adapters as well, yet they require a much larger lens in order to ensure the sensor receives the entire image when shifted. That would mean the adapter plus a medium-format lens which could end up costing nearly as much as one of Nikon's own. Ugh. Maybe I'll just have to wait a while and work with what I have. The recent educational stuff I've been reading has helped my hobby greatly and there is always creativity to be found if I stretch my mind a bit. Later on I can get into the tilt-shift, perhaps through a rental just like she did. The prime TS that I'd love to own is beyond three thousand, believe it or not. People always believe the professional cameras are expensive, while the truth is most of a photographer's money is typically spent on glass. I've already purchased two lenses that total more than the body, not to mention the battery grip, flash, tripod/head and wireless release. Heh. Whatever. One of these days... The phone mount for my tripod arrived yesterday and BARELY fits the phone case. I almost had to pull the case off, which I really don't like because the damned phone itself was hideously expensive. The mount will work for my deviant purposes of recording Nora's gait, though. All I have to do is darken the room and queue the playback, mount the phone and shoot. I'll transfer her beauty to this machine and the site for access whenever I need to be reminded of just how fucked up I've become over saving anything which reminds me of all that has been lost. Yes, I said that. I need to watch that woman walk over and over and over just because I can. Still images are one thing because I already owned the gear, but to spend money on a mount in order to capture a moment from the show helps me to realize the narrowness of my existence of late. Basket case, like always. 0931 and I should care for part of the routine and get away from this crap. 0659 on Sunday, and after a pretty damned satisfying Saturday. I actually trimmed more of the hedge in front along the driveway and filled the green can for a change. The last few months I've avoided cutting further into that ugly thing because there had been a bird's nest inside. Yesterday I went out there to take advantage of the daylight and saw that everything inside the hedge is gone. So, I chopped enough to fill the can before sending it to the curb today. I also grew motivation out of thin air with regard to my cabinet door project. The plywood which has lived in the center of the garage for nearly a year came out and I trimmed it to length. Afterward, I clamped it to the shelving unit and fabricated a compass from a strip of wood for beginning the pentagram design. That may end up being a weekday thing, but at least I started the process. The pentagram is to be a close match to the one which graced the wall of my apartment eleven years ago. Funny, yesterday I went to the archive to see the images of the walls from back then and they were missing. Hmm. I had to repair the entry this morning. Apparently, when streamlining everything last year I overlooked that one essay. Not long after, I reorganized the image folders because of the sheer numbers. Well, the apartment images disappeared somewhere along the line. Lots of fixing. Now? Those images are too small from which to draw scale, so today I have to fire up the RAID and find the originals. Such an action may spawn yet another project I've been putting off, which is the relocation of the networking devices within this house. Ugh. That will, in turn, push the reorganization of the home theatre equipment to my right. That corner is difficult to clean due to all the cabling. I've been meaning to dig into it for a while now. Perhaps I've found the motivation. Anyway, I'll duplicate the old apartment images this morning before long and derive the dimensions as best I can. All the other decorations which lived inside the pentagram will be unnecessary. I'm willing to express my mood and lifestyle out there, but wish to avoid too many questions. I pretty much told the squareheads that visiting me in the future is not such a good idea because my feelings had solidified in another direction. If they return while the garage door is up, well... The statement shall be clear enough. Heh. 0751 now. I'll have one more cup of coffee before beginning the Sunday morning business. I will also hit the beginning of another entry. This is long enough. Eddie helped me to look at people differently, just like the guy on the freeway that I passed while finally driving my dream car. Now my compassion is at an all-time high, yet I still feel disdain for society as a whole. There may be no fixing that one. Her." This site contains mature content Created by REN in Microsoft Visual Studio 2022 Copyright ©2002-2024 Brandywine Engineering All rights reserved All other trademarks, logos and graphics are the property of their respective owners Questions? Comments? Gather your thoughts and compose a message to the assholes in charge
April 10th, 2022 7:54am pdt If you are visiting for the first time, go to the beginning. Eddie the Drunk read ( words) "'Don't attach that fucking word to me or even an image of me in your mind. You are not qualified to make such a determination, nor is anyone else. Write it down and burn the paper, and then write it in ink on your forehead and likewise burn it. Yes, burn your forehead. The word is beyond your understanding and has become one of the largest points of contention on earth. Too bad, eh? Just shut your fucking face and forget you ever heard it.' Again with the shit paragraph? Yep, again with the shit paragraph. It's important. Live with it. 0853 and the previous entry will now continue to bleed, right into this one. The stupid shit came up again last night but it was not the fault of anyone in particular, only a natural conversation born of a young person being there in the garage with the adults. 0800 straight up on Monday morning. The flags are already out. I'm going to try to get them up at dawn each day. Last night they came down near sunset. The morning business is out of the way and I have hours to myself to do whatever is best for me. Unfortunately, the day is going to have to go up from here because I already had problems right out of the fucking gate. My feelings do not seem to matter anymore. I fail to know why. And right there is the rub of the title. I'll do my best to keep busy today and then relax this evening. Eddie had his issues, yet none of them mattered in the context of the workplace. I think he had been hired as a temp in those days, but I can't be certain. I was originally hired on a temporary basis for ninety days before being brought in as a permanent employee. In any case, he seemed strange from the beginning. Honestly, his personality and mannerisms reminded me of my own uncle, believe it or not. Even some facial expressions. I believe that is why I tended to help him more than others. They seemed to be overly standoffish when it came to anything he may have needed. The guy went to the same gas station every day at lunch and downed a couple of tall cans, eventually leading to his nickname around the glass plant... 'Eddie the drunk'. Well, that was also a trait my uncle shared. I understood and never criticized his behavior. Eddie, too. I am a nice person. Something desperate in Eddie's eyes pressed me to always help. I cannot explain it now, all these years later, but at the time I felt for him when everyone seemed to leave him alone. Eddie didn't care, either. He was so laid back in life and at work that nothing phased him, no matter the circumstances. He was in a perpetual easygoing mood. The more I worked with him, the more he resembled my uncle. Some sort of connection to my estranged family member kept me nearby when Eddie was at work. I taught Eddie some of the skills I'd picked up from my brother-in-law as well, because no one else felt Eddie was able to learn. Sometimes when I looked at him off in the distance doing his glass work, I nearly teared up due to the feelings for my uncle. Eddie did not work in the plant very long. I believe within six months he went elsewhere due to being forced to move from his apartment. The circumstances are a mystery. I never saw him again. When others in the department saw him as a walking punch line, I saw a person with a heart, soul and feelings. That sort of behavior takes place often these days. Eddie's facial expressions remind me of a situation on the freeway some years ago, probably around the post-glow after I had moved back to California. I was again working at the glass plant, of all places. I knew the work and they always liked me, so I took the job again rather than seeking something else. That was also the period of the big electronics stores and computer building for the first time. So, I remember driving home through my old hometown (usually I drove in the middle lane as there were less speed changes there) and beginning to head up the hill during warm weather. My car had very little power to begin with, meaning when the air conditioning was running it robbed precious horses from the car's ability to hold its speed uphill. I often had to shut it down and then drop a gear just to maintain freeway speed around others, or just moved over to the right lane so the speedy cars could pass. More than once I received an unpleasant expression as someone passed by. Whatever. I could do nothing about it because that little underpowered car was all I could afford at the time. Cut to roughly fifteen years later -- possibly a bit less -- and there I am cruising home in my 'dream' car I was able to secure after working toward financial goals like our house. The year was ten, summer time. My Slipper had power to spare, meaning I no longer needed to worry about going uphill or any other situation which required the right foot to be planted. As I rolled along in the middle lane like always, my speed had to drop because a small, older car was plodding along just under the limit. Well, I simply moved over and slowly passed the smoky machine. Coming alongside and being the curious individual I was, my head turned to see who was driving that car. And there it was... The 'situation'. I looked over and there was a guy doing his best to get the car up that hill, the expression on his face telling me that he was unsure if the car would make it much further AT ALL. That used to be me, in one of two cheap vehicles. Always worried about whether or not the cars would get from point A to B short of dying. I saw him, concerned and overheated in the hot wind, and then saw myself sitting there earlier in life and looking at the other, nicer cars with their tremendous power and cool air flowing from the dash. I was sitting in my sports/dream car I had wanted for TWO FUCKING DECADES and seeing myself. Instantly my heart collapsed and I felt for him. I was there... Years of worrying and never being in any sort of position to drive something more reliable or nicer. I didn't necessarily feel like shit, my heart went over there and I wished him well. Eddie taught me to try either understanding people's individual problems or simply accepting them and seeing a 'person' rather than a 'difficulty'. The freeway snapped me out of my air-conditioned, dreamy state and slammed me back a decade and a half to Eddie's silly, smiling face asking me to help him carry a piece of glass. I cannot be unkind, no matter with whom I am concerned. I turned out the way I am because of a handful of situations combined with a shitload of fear. Time for some business. 1102 and the routine is finished along with a load of laundry (so I can wear pants). I need to dash to the smoke shop and market when the cocktail is gone. A few staples for the hot pot tomorrow and dinner tonight. I'll be back quickly, too. I don't need to go in there and see all sorts of goddess pants and bouncing breasts, so earlier is better. Even lunch hour can be tough on my sense of weakness. It's all bad. In and out as efficiently as possible these days. I have literally not gone further than the side walk in a solid week, meaning that fear of leaving during the early part of the pandemic is returning. I already know I'll be able to drive there and back with few issues because I've done it many times in the last two years. I just don't want to see anything. These late days have proven that the slightest strike can be crippling and long-lasting inside my head. Upon returning, I'll embrace the solitude again and work on the model. Photography of that monster has been going very well lately. I wish to continue. The Polynesian Village Resort is here gracing the entry because I've been preoccupied with visions of Andrea's rear end gyrating along the hallways. I'll never see anything of the sort again. At least, nothing I can embrace. So sad. Everything is gone now. No one to help me with the obsession, no one there listening and trying to understand, and no one over whom to offer gushing words of appreciation. This is all so very bad now. I don't know how much longer I can toe the line of life with such a mass of emptiness. I still see Eddie's silly facial expressions. He was a nice person... Just one whose life had been mismanaged. Like mine. I am actually physically fearful of seeing a darkher at the market. Ugh. That town helped to define what I am today 0655 on Tuesday. The trip up the highway yesterday was not a big deal. Still, I am always happy to arrive back home without anyone seeing this gaping hole in me. Two stops and I returned here and stayed behind closed doors for the duration. Everyone in the market was very pleasant, as always. Nothing of concern. Once I settled back into my cocoon, the model awaited because I did not know which way to turn. Any activity aside from the laundry seemed too much for me. I sat and finished the big car but did not set up my camera again. Maybe today. I made dinner, the usual whatevers, evening, blah, blah, blah whatevercakes. The other day I saw the guy from around the corner walking his dog. He asked if I've been working so I told him I am retired. Heh. I am a needle at zero going in the other direction, but he has no idea whatsoever. I just happen to be in a situation that allows me to be home all the time. Sometimes when I greet him out there on the street I think of Eddie. I have to rein in my opinion after hours. No one ever agrees with me, nor do they enjoy hearing my words on any controversial subject, so speaking needs to be avoided. In fact, I don't believe anyone has ever enjoyed my words or agreed, even going back to the glow. In the previous section I mentioned there is no one listening. That has to do with deeper issues, not current events. I honestly would love to throw everything out there and see what develops, yet I don't know if there will ever be a possibility of such an idea coming to pass. Either I become too frightened, or push them away. I've pushed so many people away that I can't even recall all of them. Almost time for my morning business. Afterward I may sit here for a couple of hours and type. And here I am, as predicted. The morning business is finished and I have the entire day to myself now. Not bad. The flags are out, as well. I'm trying to remain consistent with displaying both each day at roughly the same time. Up at dawn, down at dusk, says the federal flag code. I do not have lights out there... Yet. A lady from the neighborhood knocked on the door the other day to ask from where I purchased the Ukraine flag. Very nice, that person. I'm glad to see others are willing to demonstrate support. After seeing how another person reacts to my discussion of the subject, I suppose the flag is the only way I can express my opinion anymore. Whatever. Nearly the trailing end of the glow, this episode. The very beginning of ninety-three. Ah... The time was growing late, yet still that year had its share of enjoyments. By summer, I was in the radio club and wheeling/dealing across town with secondhand tools and equipment. That was funny. The glow comes to mind often, even during a series which did not originally air at the time. I am a crazy person. So, the day being all mine can mean several different possible situations. The main focus for me today is to ensure that the evening feels nice. I can't sit here in the evening and feel as if the comfort has not been earned. 0840. The news is pushing me to fortify a bit while caring for my daily business. I need to at least 'feel' as if I am doing something along such lines. The situation angers me, as I am certain it does many others around the world. I can move some shit around and think clearly about steps toward feeling the house will be ok of the conflict expands. Of course, there is not much that can be done in the largest picture, unless a conventional conflict grows out of what has already taken place in the east. Right now I honestly do not fucking know what will happen in the coming weeks and months, so moving toward little goals with regard to emergencies or survival seem appropriate and can help to alleviate my frustration. I am not a conspiracy theorist, though. Paranoia is not my thing. I simply need to work a little. All these sanctions and financial blows combined with 'outrage' and such from around the world are going to accomplish exactly shit, really. The people dictating moves over there are not going to be flustered or threatened by restrictions, monetary or otherwise. Therein lies the massive rub... Anything forceful and we will cause them to flare and expand operations into NATO. Threats do not hold weight, just like a poker game. Bluffing only works if one player can honestly see that the other player's mouth is dry. We cannot begin using weapons or there could be an expansion from which there is no going back. This is a good portion for the reason for so much frustration. We can only do so much without further provocation, the end result of which could be the end of the world. Ugh. Enough for now. Not an easy subject, for sure. In addition to the usual, I need to care for some laundry. Right now my feeling is such that the next model will end up the subject of much photography. After realizing things I had been doing wrong with the camera ever since the car show, I have improved the image clarity and color definition a measure. The next car needs to remain partially built so as to yield the camera many varying colors, which always make for more interesting shots. The first car is now considered just a run-through, or trial, to allow me to learn this new facet of closeup imaging. The next one should be better and I am really looking forward to the results. I may or may not work on it today. Dinner tonight is going to take up the entire table so I have to make sure it's cleared early. Plenty of time. 1032 and the routine is finished. Laundry is in process and the garage is closed. That door is typically open all day long in order to maintain temperature and keep an eye on whatever may be happening outside the house. Today my garage is closed off because I am closed off. I don't want people seeing what's going on with my day. The laundry can dry on the rack without prying eyes. I have yet to completely polish the kitchen because at some point I will make some lunch. I can finalize the work in there afterward so everything is ready for dinner. Drink in hand, as well. I need the alcohol for suppressing desire and anger. So far, so good. Janina has the dark hair and eyes, yet not the features of a darkher. That is good. The other one -- Vedette -- also has the darker traits, yet she is the most frightening type of character imaginable. I will leave out any specifics, though. There are too many stereotypes floating around in this world for me to label anyone. She is an actor, yet the character scares the hell out of me. Almost the level of fear Ray had with nanotechnology. The fact that she frightens me should not be surprising considering the sheer amount of dreaming I've done over the last two years. There are few aspects of darkness which can be attributed to my desire. Very few, in fact. I don't know if I'll work on the other big car today. Right now I am not feeling it, mostly because of the effort required in breaking out all the pieces and organizing. If I am to have the dining table in order by this afternoon, that leaves minimal time for piecing together enough of the car for minimizing storage later. I don't want to make a mess. Moreover, if I build enough for photographing, that means all the camera stuff comes out. More to straighten later. What I wouldn't give for the ability to go back... Even just for a few minutes. I need 'her'. I need far too much these days. Everything is pain and disappointment. Every fucking thing. Irrelevant. My feelings do not matter. Oh all that shit just keeps affecting me in ways I cannot describe here. I still hear all of it... All the shit from multiple angles and threatening trajectories. From everywhere, really. Media? Not to blame. Imagery? Not to blame. Me? Not to blame. Sources of cutting words? Not to blame. Those deceased people from many years ago? They are responsible. Every fucking day I think of all those words and situations, pictures and damaging animated scenery that will not fucking go away. Nothing I can do will help me exit from this hellish highway, and the worst aspect to everything is that I am alone like never before. Alone in my thoughts. No one is listening. I swear -- and there have been many threats here in the last ten years -- I will cause bad things to happen if this goes on much longer. Not the guy who drilled a hole in his head, though. Much worse. My thoughts are about as bad as bad can get right now. I just keep hearing it over and over. There are many definitions of hell. I have my own. Time to move the laundry around. 1056. I see a loss of direction very soon. The Andrea corridor 1139 and the laundry is finished for today. While in the garage, I blasted (and I mean BLASTED) some songs as I folded and hung the clothes. Both doors closed means the neighborhood was likely unaffected, yet right now I am beginning to feel the pull of working out there and making a noisy statement to identify to passers by that this house is not one to be trifled. I can't be certain the work is a good idea right now. My brain has been somewhat loosened by the morning cocktail, so anything done outside must be approached with care. I don't need to lose my fucking way today. That has happened on too many occasions already. 'I swear I will BURN THIS FUCKIN' TACO STAND TO THE GROUND!' Ah, that is good stuff. I wish I could be something more than what I am. Let that statement burn in real good, too. Read it over and over, because those who utter such words at an advanced age are empty; bereft of hope and full of regret. Believe it, fuckheads. Today is not a good day. I need to see those two having sex again like I need a fucking hole in my forehead. What happened to the topic? 0709 on Wednesday. I just realized I never replied to my sister regarding a visit. Figures. I have a little time before morning business, coffee on the right, vampires and other 'supers' up there, and the flags are once again outside on display. Today already seems like one of those in which once I have the house to myself I am fairly overjoyed. I still have not been anywhere further than one of the two markets in weeks. Being here is what I need most right now. Well, there are other things in life that I need, too. But I can't go into that right now, maybe never. I have been handed cards. As for today, it should be a continuation of yesterday, meaning a bit of laundry and some more work on the big model. I might move the furniture around and do some floor cleaning in one of the bedrooms, a project I began yesterday. Kind of a pain, but improvement is necessary sometimes. 0817 and not only do I have the day to myself, but I also pushed part of the routine a bit. That means less work when I decide to walk away from this crap. My family is up there -- usually they are the morning choice while chores are going -- but I will switch soon back to the vampires. One of Nora's scenes is incoming, although I don't recall exactly when. My tripod mount for the phone will be arriving Friday, too. After that, I fully intend to record her for filing away and saving so I can see her gait anytime. Good? Bad? Twisted? I don't care. This is me. All the way back to snapping the instamatic to secure Barbi or Lisa in the early eighties, this type of thing. Difficulty goes with the territory of each day now. This feels permanent. At some point every fucking day I will recall those moments and situations of the past which are now so far away that they feel like nothing more than dreams while I slept. Did all that really happen? All that time? Money? The most recent desperate dash from reality was in eleven when I ran away for what felt like the tenth time in a year. I believe my head is a little better now, although I can only speak of being so desperate that I would have turned any fucking corner in hopes of finding some understanding. Now? I no longer believe it exists, but the betterment is apparent in the fact that my lifestyle is at least more stable. There are pieces missing inside and outside and I can't do fuck-all about any of it. All I can do is attempt to be comfortable. Nothing will go away and no one is listening. This is one of the most unique situations within which I have ever been buried. I still can't believe I'm sitting here right now. And I believe the level of difficulty I experience day after miserable day is actually much worse due to the past. Had none of that taken place, I would barely know the difference. Better to have... What? No fucking way, people. Failed. Foiled? Both. 0921. Some paths have no turns. The remainder of the day feels nice right now, yet I know at some point I will likely lose drive. Yesterday I successfully avoided falling into the afternoon 'trap' of returning to this exposition and remaining idle for an hour or two. The goal was to spread my efforts over time and instead of relaxing on the sofa, choosing to take little breaks here and there. I still worked on the model and exercised the big camera, yet never fell down and completely lost my way. I am going to try employing a similar method today. Right now I feel very small, so I haven't switched to the vampires yet. My family is still up there by way of the fourth show. Sometimes I just need the familiarity. Martha was effective and compelling in this role. I've always felt that way. Years ago I did become irritated by some of her lines and actions, but the truth is I was not thinking of her as a character as much as I do now. She is awesome, as is the multi-part storyline. The weather is already warmer than yesterday afternoon. Perhaps I can spend time in the garage rather than only being out there for breaks. The motivation to do anything outside the typical daily scope is hard to come by and feels haphazard. Sometimes I really get into something far enough to be forced into finishing, rather like those jobs we did in the past involving a 'cut' which basically left us without any options other than completing the work. We would chop the main water line to a house. Afterward? No way around it. The work had to be finished and the water back on for the occupants, meaning we had no choice but to hop to the task. Yesterday I tore into the bedroom a little, knowing full well that it had to be back in order before close of business. Maybe I can get into a similar position today. The sunshine and temperature make any chores more comfortable. Eddie was goofy but a good person deep down. I could read that much. Like my uncle, he had a weakness which reared its head daily, yet nothing impeded his job performance. In fact, I could see a boost in effort after those lunch beers. For whatever reason, I felt for him early on due to others being standoffish as a result of his personality. Like an outcast, I suppose, but nothing serious. Just very different. So, I helped him with moving lites or setting up for a cutting operation as often as possible. My experience with all of the different tools and machinery came in handy and I ended up being sort of a surrogate teacher to make sure he learned and remained safe. I don't understand the mindset of people when it comes to how others are viewed, and much of that likely stemmed from being so introverted when I was young and combined with being picked on sometimes. I doubt Eddie had been the subject of the same, though. He was a formidable presence and came across as a 'loose cannon', for lack of better terms. Many probably kept their distance due to not knowing of what he may have been capable. Not long after he was hired and I was asked -- like a few other veterans -- to assist with his training, I could see something in the eyes that informed me of his concern about working in a new and unfamiliar location. My solution was to help Eddie feel comfortable and to give him a point of contact, as it were. Someone he could approach for any reason without hesitation. I also knew there was nothing for me to worry about. The eyes had it. I am still that person. Just like the work I did for the lady up the street, my brain fears being unkind to the wrong person. I had to help because I had the ability and equipment, the time being otherwise meaningless. Eddie may have helped her and others I've known by way of influencing me and forcing me to distance myself from those with whom I did not agree. I am sitting here right now satisfied with being completely alone because the only other option is associating with the same personality types that I viewed dealing with Eddie. Curious that I did not put all this together until just recently. 0948 and I am preoccupied with trying to figure myself out and learn. Soon I have to get to the routine. Sometimes the feelings inside me turn into goosebumps when I watch certain parts of these series play out. I become overwhelmed by sheer appreciation for many aspects of the writing and acting. They are my family, pushing that damned dream into my head often enough to leave me even more depressed than I already am on a regular basis. This is not an entirely a bad thing, believe it or not. Ugh The sheer level of mental comfort which accompanies my family keeping me company cannot be overstated here. Ever since the first of it -- back when the second show was actually running with new episodes on Thursday nights -- each viewing in all those different places I've lived became cumulative. I feel all of them when the stories play out. In the beginning was swing shift with my buddy, the same one I brought up during the afterglow when we visited the big electronics stores all the time and built our first computers. We worked the nights and on Thursdays had the VCRs set to record the show. When I arrived home sometime after midnight to have dinner, I would rewind the tape and watch the newest installment in my bedroom. The following day made us happy because it was Friday, plus we could discuss the previous night's episode at work. That period was during the glow and just after I met Eddie for his short-duration stint at the glass plant. Not until more than sixteen years later did the dream enter my head and force that exposition into me strongly enough for sharing on the official forums. No one responded in the context for which I had been hoping. The current period finds me dreaming of the same almost daily. Reasons are too many to list. 0738 and I am on the early shift today. My usual stuff will begin very soon, plus I have to run across town to drop off some coin rollers for people. Afterward will be whatever the hell I feel like doing, along with some camera work. I am still learning after all these years, too. Sometimes I believe I have a handle on many aspects of the exposure, only to later gaze at some shots and realize that I need practice or more learning. The first time I used a camera of this type was way back, likely fifteen years ago or so. You'd think by now my education might be further along, but alas... The process can be complex, especially when shooting long-exposure macro stuff. I'll get there. Anyway, the vampires will follow along with whatever I do later. Today is forecasted to be the warmest day of the year thus far. Yesterday was pretty warm, too. The house ended up into the mid-seventies by close of business. This morning I already have the furnace locked out so the weather can do its job later. I do enjoy the warmth sometimes, especially after having froze my ass off just a month ago and beyond. This year has by and large been very cool, mostly in the morning, and thus has not warmed the house very much. Yesterday was the first, I believe. Still a bit of coffee left. After it's gone I'll head north to drop off the rollers. I actually have the media off right now so I can think. Very different. Back to Eddie and me. A good portion of the reasoning I turned out this way is fear, followed closely by the example my father set as he cared for my mother from the mid-eighties until he left the world nine years ago. I can see some traits as they repeat in me, such as overly caring for others and lots of generosity, even toward those I really don't like very much. I can't help it, just as the example of working with Eddie described. My default position is to treat people as if they are people and nothing else, a standpoint echoed within one of my favorite movies. The character basically stated that his view was to treat everyone as a friend or no one, and it really didn't matter which. Well, I started out kind, so my view was clear from the beginning. Years later I became ridiculed because of such a lifestyle and greatly suffered for it, yet I still remained steadfast out of a need for acceptance, from whenever or wherever that may have materialized. Sometimes it worked, other times it went very badly. I cannot resist helping. The fear of my young life led to who I am right now, all anger and depression. Good and bad, really. I am a good person. So was Eddie. I can still see his face peering through the racks with wide eyes and asking me for some help. 0648 on Friday. The other Jamie up there, but something is wrong with her. I can't put my finger on it, yet one or more aspects of her form may be out of place and I did not notice before. Still amazing in a few ways, though. Some of her features are reminiscent of several different examples of the obsession. Yesterday formed into an exercise in patience with the mercury rising far beyond what I had expected. We spent a bit of time on the driveways relaxing, some more time in the backyard when the afternoon breeze came up, and then basically just sat around for the remainder of the evening due to the high temperature in the house. I maintained my water regiment, so I didn't lose my way or much energy. Over the last nine hours, the temperature has dropped more than twelve degrees. This morning should be fine for the routine and other activities. Ooh-fa. I almost forgot I need to deliver some specialty cheese to a friend of mine across town in three hours. No big deal, I suppose. Plus, I can swing into one of the markets on the return trip just in case we need a few things. Or maybe something for lunch. I don't know. Maybe aside from that little trip I will take it easy today and keep the workload light. I did not sit here for very long yesterday because I felt the air changing in the morning and knew I had to move around earlier rather than later. By one in the afternoon, the heat was already enough to prohibit anything heavy. I ended up next door for a little while... In the shade. I'm wondering if any member of NATO is going to do more than send support and condemn what they see playing out over there. It's pretty fucking bad and I am about to fully support an all-out attack on the Russian forces by as many nations as are willing to head into that area and begin mopping the floor. We already have a fucking strike group in the Mediterranean. Send it into the Black Sea along with one more, and then blast the holy shit out of the Russian forces until they completely give up, and then blast more. That is the only language that bald motherfucker is going to understand. Condemning acts and calling people names only means more will suffer at his hands. We need to blow the fuck out of them... Hard. Unrelenting. Don't give them a second to breathe. But? None of that is going to happen because everyone is worried about causing keys to turn. Personally, I really don't give a shit anymore. I'm tired of the world sitting still for this. Ok, no more of that unless I get pissed off again. No one is listening anyway. I could surf across Jurnee's lips sometimes. Holy fuck, already. And the other day with the faeries? Jesus fucking holy Christ on a rubber crutch... Artwork everywhere and over and over, especially one little morsel for a split second. I need to go back to that episode and cap her for all time. Asian breasts and all that goes with them, dark and alluring. Unbelievable. Hopefully today moves along very slowly. The time can stretch and allow me to think about everything that is important. 0853 and I am left to my devices. I don't have to drop off the cheese uptown for over an hour, plus we never cooked dinner last night so my kitchen will be a quick process. Some coffee left, flags out, cats splayed across the bed and sound asleep... Business as usual. I may or may not stop at the market for a few items on the return trip. This scene when Robert tells an ancient story to Kate is fantastic and one more reason why these shows are deep in my heart. At this late date, I still cannot believe how much I've held back from the site. Even if a reader begins to shape some of the information I've shared into a conclusion, they would be incorrect because no one has a clue as to what some of the analogies or euphemisms really mean. There are a few individuals who have spoken to me in person (only one during the past few years, though) and even those words had been veiled much of the time. There is so much more, however I cannot go into it because I already know of the outcome. I don't need any more bullshit in my life, so everything remains locked away. One entry spells out a few ideas but it will never be published and is so protected that even I have trouble viewing it. Believe me. We lived at the highest level I'll have to stay away from expressing my feelings about the conflict in the east. Too sensitive. Plus I am far too angry. 0912. A little over half an hour before I head across town. 1113 now. The weather is noticeably cooler than yesterday, thank the maker. I went across to the north end of town to deliver the cheese and ended up visiting with those guys for more than half an hour. Had I known they would be wanting to spend some time together, I would have planned better and brought some booze and stuff. The time there was really nice. Now I'm thinking we might consider a longer gathering to catch up more and do something more than what has become the norm for the last two years. Bailey is on the screen again, damn it. She forces thoughts better avoided, especially considering my deep-seated issues. Anyway, I already took care of the kitchen after returning and am now open for the rest of the day. I may work on the model in a little while because of how much comfort it can provide. I'd like to get another, yet the cost of those kits is quite high, and for good reason. Ah... Now the cheese recipient is messaging me about visiting more often due to our situations being very similar, as in him being home all the time like me and having identical schedules. That would be fantastic, both because he is very nice to speak with and the fact that I haven't wished to spend time at the bar lately. What a great idea. This could be just the type of thing to pull me up a bit. Wow. I suppose I'll figure out what to do for lunch and then work on the model again. It's just too fucking comfortable to pass. Also, I had the intention of doing as little as possible on this day just because I can. The camera will be involved, too. 0729 and Saturday morning coffee. I ended up going over the hill yesterday to get the hell out of here for a little while and have an inexpensive lunch. The drive was rather nice, and upon returning I indeed relaxed with the model and my show. Later in the afternoon I straightened the table and put the room back into living mode for the evening. Dinner, our show (which I am having much trouble following due to my hearing and the overly dynamic nature of the audio) and then sleep. Today will be a couple of errands and then housework, or perhaps the other way around. This morning I actually shut off the television because everything became irritating. Now the house is quiet. I've been looking into tilt-shift photography for a long time, I believe ever since my ex-partner rented one of those lenses to experiment. The Nikon TS lenses are very expensive, although there are some other branded units much cheaper. I may opt for something inexpensive to learn on before throwing a ton of money at the situation. I looked at adapters as well, yet they require a much larger lens in order to ensure the sensor receives the entire image when shifted. That would mean the adapter plus a medium-format lens which could end up costing nearly as much as one of Nikon's own. Ugh. Maybe I'll just have to wait a while and work with what I have. The recent educational stuff I've been reading has helped my hobby greatly and there is always creativity to be found if I stretch my mind a bit. Later on I can get into the tilt-shift, perhaps through a rental just like she did. The prime TS that I'd love to own is beyond three thousand, believe it or not. People always believe the professional cameras are expensive, while the truth is most of a photographer's money is typically spent on glass. I've already purchased two lenses that total more than the body, not to mention the battery grip, flash, tripod/head and wireless release. Heh. Whatever. One of these days... The phone mount for my tripod arrived yesterday and BARELY fits the phone case. I almost had to pull the case off, which I really don't like because the damned phone itself was hideously expensive. The mount will work for my deviant purposes of recording Nora's gait, though. All I have to do is darken the room and queue the playback, mount the phone and shoot. I'll transfer her beauty to this machine and the site for access whenever I need to be reminded of just how fucked up I've become over saving anything which reminds me of all that has been lost. Yes, I said that. I need to watch that woman walk over and over and over just because I can. Still images are one thing because I already owned the gear, but to spend money on a mount in order to capture a moment from the show helps me to realize the narrowness of my existence of late. Basket case, like always. 0931 and I should care for part of the routine and get away from this crap. 0659 on Sunday, and after a pretty damned satisfying Saturday. I actually trimmed more of the hedge in front along the driveway and filled the green can for a change. The last few months I've avoided cutting further into that ugly thing because there had been a bird's nest inside. Yesterday I went out there to take advantage of the daylight and saw that everything inside the hedge is gone. So, I chopped enough to fill the can before sending it to the curb today. I also grew motivation out of thin air with regard to my cabinet door project. The plywood which has lived in the center of the garage for nearly a year came out and I trimmed it to length. Afterward, I clamped it to the shelving unit and fabricated a compass from a strip of wood for beginning the pentagram design. That may end up being a weekday thing, but at least I started the process. The pentagram is to be a close match to the one which graced the wall of my apartment eleven years ago. Funny, yesterday I went to the archive to see the images of the walls from back then and they were missing. Hmm. I had to repair the entry this morning. Apparently, when streamlining everything last year I overlooked that one essay. Not long after, I reorganized the image folders because of the sheer numbers. Well, the apartment images disappeared somewhere along the line. Lots of fixing. Now? Those images are too small from which to draw scale, so today I have to fire up the RAID and find the originals. Such an action may spawn yet another project I've been putting off, which is the relocation of the networking devices within this house. Ugh. That will, in turn, push the reorganization of the home theatre equipment to my right. That corner is difficult to clean due to all the cabling. I've been meaning to dig into it for a while now. Perhaps I've found the motivation. Anyway, I'll duplicate the old apartment images this morning before long and derive the dimensions as best I can. All the other decorations which lived inside the pentagram will be unnecessary. I'm willing to express my mood and lifestyle out there, but wish to avoid too many questions. I pretty much told the squareheads that visiting me in the future is not such a good idea because my feelings had solidified in another direction. If they return while the garage door is up, well... The statement shall be clear enough. Heh. 0751 now. I'll have one more cup of coffee before beginning the Sunday morning business. I will also hit the beginning of another entry. This is long enough. Eddie helped me to look at people differently, just like the guy on the freeway that I passed while finally driving my dream car. Now my compassion is at an all-time high, yet I still feel disdain for society as a whole. There may be no fixing that one. Her."
April 10th, 2022 7:54am pdt
If you are visiting for the first time, go to the beginning.
Eddie the Drunk
read ( words)
"'Don't attach that fucking word to me or even an image of me in your mind. You are not qualified to make such a determination, nor is anyone else. Write it down and burn the paper, and then write it in ink on your forehead and likewise burn it. Yes, burn your forehead. The word is beyond your understanding and has become one of the largest points of contention on earth. Too bad, eh? Just shut your fucking face and forget you ever heard it.' Again with the shit paragraph? Yep, again with the shit paragraph. It's important. Live with it. 0853 and the previous entry will now continue to bleed, right into this one. The stupid shit came up again last night but it was not the fault of anyone in particular, only a natural conversation born of a young person being there in the garage with the adults. 0800 straight up on Monday morning. The flags are already out. I'm going to try to get them up at dawn each day. Last night they came down near sunset. The morning business is out of the way and I have hours to myself to do whatever is best for me. Unfortunately, the day is going to have to go up from here because I already had problems right out of the fucking gate. My feelings do not seem to matter anymore. I fail to know why. And right there is the rub of the title. I'll do my best to keep busy today and then relax this evening. Eddie had his issues, yet none of them mattered in the context of the workplace. I think he had been hired as a temp in those days, but I can't be certain. I was originally hired on a temporary basis for ninety days before being brought in as a permanent employee. In any case, he seemed strange from the beginning. Honestly, his personality and mannerisms reminded me of my own uncle, believe it or not. Even some facial expressions. I believe that is why I tended to help him more than others. They seemed to be overly standoffish when it came to anything he may have needed. The guy went to the same gas station every day at lunch and downed a couple of tall cans, eventually leading to his nickname around the glass plant... 'Eddie the drunk'. Well, that was also a trait my uncle shared. I understood and never criticized his behavior. Eddie, too. I am a nice person. Something desperate in Eddie's eyes pressed me to always help. I cannot explain it now, all these years later, but at the time I felt for him when everyone seemed to leave him alone. Eddie didn't care, either. He was so laid back in life and at work that nothing phased him, no matter the circumstances. He was in a perpetual easygoing mood. The more I worked with him, the more he resembled my uncle. Some sort of connection to my estranged family member kept me nearby when Eddie was at work. I taught Eddie some of the skills I'd picked up from my brother-in-law as well, because no one else felt Eddie was able to learn. Sometimes when I looked at him off in the distance doing his glass work, I nearly teared up due to the feelings for my uncle. Eddie did not work in the plant very long. I believe within six months he went elsewhere due to being forced to move from his apartment. The circumstances are a mystery. I never saw him again. When others in the department saw him as a walking punch line, I saw a person with a heart, soul and feelings. That sort of behavior takes place often these days. Eddie's facial expressions remind me of a situation on the freeway some years ago, probably around the post-glow after I had moved back to California. I was again working at the glass plant, of all places. I knew the work and they always liked me, so I took the job again rather than seeking something else. That was also the period of the big electronics stores and computer building for the first time. So, I remember driving home through my old hometown (usually I drove in the middle lane as there were less speed changes there) and beginning to head up the hill during warm weather. My car had very little power to begin with, meaning when the air conditioning was running it robbed precious horses from the car's ability to hold its speed uphill. I often had to shut it down and then drop a gear just to maintain freeway speed around others, or just moved over to the right lane so the speedy cars could pass. More than once I received an unpleasant expression as someone passed by. Whatever. I could do nothing about it because that little underpowered car was all I could afford at the time. Cut to roughly fifteen years later -- possibly a bit less -- and there I am cruising home in my 'dream' car I was able to secure after working toward financial goals like our house. The year was ten, summer time. My Slipper had power to spare, meaning I no longer needed to worry about going uphill or any other situation which required the right foot to be planted. As I rolled along in the middle lane like always, my speed had to drop because a small, older car was plodding along just under the limit. Well, I simply moved over and slowly passed the smoky machine. Coming alongside and being the curious individual I was, my head turned to see who was driving that car. And there it was... The 'situation'. I looked over and there was a guy doing his best to get the car up that hill, the expression on his face telling me that he was unsure if the car would make it much further AT ALL. That used to be me, in one of two cheap vehicles. Always worried about whether or not the cars would get from point A to B short of dying. I saw him, concerned and overheated in the hot wind, and then saw myself sitting there earlier in life and looking at the other, nicer cars with their tremendous power and cool air flowing from the dash. I was sitting in my sports/dream car I had wanted for TWO FUCKING DECADES and seeing myself. Instantly my heart collapsed and I felt for him. I was there... Years of worrying and never being in any sort of position to drive something more reliable or nicer. I didn't necessarily feel like shit, my heart went over there and I wished him well. Eddie taught me to try either understanding people's individual problems or simply accepting them and seeing a 'person' rather than a 'difficulty'. The freeway snapped me out of my air-conditioned, dreamy state and slammed me back a decade and a half to Eddie's silly, smiling face asking me to help him carry a piece of glass. I cannot be unkind, no matter with whom I am concerned. I turned out the way I am because of a handful of situations combined with a shitload of fear. Time for some business. 1102 and the routine is finished along with a load of laundry (so I can wear pants). I need to dash to the smoke shop and market when the cocktail is gone. A few staples for the hot pot tomorrow and dinner tonight. I'll be back quickly, too. I don't need to go in there and see all sorts of goddess pants and bouncing breasts, so earlier is better. Even lunch hour can be tough on my sense of weakness. It's all bad. In and out as efficiently as possible these days. I have literally not gone further than the side walk in a solid week, meaning that fear of leaving during the early part of the pandemic is returning. I already know I'll be able to drive there and back with few issues because I've done it many times in the last two years. I just don't want to see anything. These late days have proven that the slightest strike can be crippling and long-lasting inside my head. Upon returning, I'll embrace the solitude again and work on the model. Photography of that monster has been going very well lately. I wish to continue. The Polynesian Village Resort is here gracing the entry because I've been preoccupied with visions of Andrea's rear end gyrating along the hallways. I'll never see anything of the sort again. At least, nothing I can embrace. So sad. Everything is gone now. No one to help me with the obsession, no one there listening and trying to understand, and no one over whom to offer gushing words of appreciation. This is all so very bad now. I don't know how much longer I can toe the line of life with such a mass of emptiness. I still see Eddie's silly facial expressions. He was a nice person... Just one whose life had been mismanaged. Like mine. I am actually physically fearful of seeing a darkher at the market. Ugh.
That town helped to define what I am today
0655 on Tuesday. The trip up the highway yesterday was not a big deal. Still, I am always happy to arrive back home without anyone seeing this gaping hole in me. Two stops and I returned here and stayed behind closed doors for the duration. Everyone in the market was very pleasant, as always. Nothing of concern. Once I settled back into my cocoon, the model awaited because I did not know which way to turn. Any activity aside from the laundry seemed too much for me. I sat and finished the big car but did not set up my camera again. Maybe today. I made dinner, the usual whatevers, evening, blah, blah, blah whatevercakes. The other day I saw the guy from around the corner walking his dog. He asked if I've been working so I told him I am retired. Heh. I am a needle at zero going in the other direction, but he has no idea whatsoever. I just happen to be in a situation that allows me to be home all the time. Sometimes when I greet him out there on the street I think of Eddie. I have to rein in my opinion after hours. No one ever agrees with me, nor do they enjoy hearing my words on any controversial subject, so speaking needs to be avoided. In fact, I don't believe anyone has ever enjoyed my words or agreed, even going back to the glow. In the previous section I mentioned there is no one listening. That has to do with deeper issues, not current events. I honestly would love to throw everything out there and see what develops, yet I don't know if there will ever be a possibility of such an idea coming to pass. Either I become too frightened, or push them away. I've pushed so many people away that I can't even recall all of them. Almost time for my morning business. Afterward I may sit here for a couple of hours and type. And here I am, as predicted. The morning business is finished and I have the entire day to myself now. Not bad. The flags are out, as well. I'm trying to remain consistent with displaying both each day at roughly the same time. Up at dawn, down at dusk, says the federal flag code. I do not have lights out there... Yet. A lady from the neighborhood knocked on the door the other day to ask from where I purchased the Ukraine flag. Very nice, that person. I'm glad to see others are willing to demonstrate support. After seeing how another person reacts to my discussion of the subject, I suppose the flag is the only way I can express my opinion anymore. Whatever. Nearly the trailing end of the glow, this episode. The very beginning of ninety-three. Ah... The time was growing late, yet still that year had its share of enjoyments. By summer, I was in the radio club and wheeling/dealing across town with secondhand tools and equipment. That was funny. The glow comes to mind often, even during a series which did not originally air at the time. I am a crazy person. So, the day being all mine can mean several different possible situations. The main focus for me today is to ensure that the evening feels nice. I can't sit here in the evening and feel as if the comfort has not been earned. 0840. The news is pushing me to fortify a bit while caring for my daily business. I need to at least 'feel' as if I am doing something along such lines. The situation angers me, as I am certain it does many others around the world. I can move some shit around and think clearly about steps toward feeling the house will be ok of the conflict expands. Of course, there is not much that can be done in the largest picture, unless a conventional conflict grows out of what has already taken place in the east. Right now I honestly do not fucking know what will happen in the coming weeks and months, so moving toward little goals with regard to emergencies or survival seem appropriate and can help to alleviate my frustration. I am not a conspiracy theorist, though. Paranoia is not my thing. I simply need to work a little. All these sanctions and financial blows combined with 'outrage' and such from around the world are going to accomplish exactly shit, really. The people dictating moves over there are not going to be flustered or threatened by restrictions, monetary or otherwise. Therein lies the massive rub... Anything forceful and we will cause them to flare and expand operations into NATO. Threats do not hold weight, just like a poker game. Bluffing only works if one player can honestly see that the other player's mouth is dry. We cannot begin using weapons or there could be an expansion from which there is no going back. This is a good portion for the reason for so much frustration. We can only do so much without further provocation, the end result of which could be the end of the world. Ugh. Enough for now. Not an easy subject, for sure. In addition to the usual, I need to care for some laundry. Right now my feeling is such that the next model will end up the subject of much photography. After realizing things I had been doing wrong with the camera ever since the car show, I have improved the image clarity and color definition a measure. The next car needs to remain partially built so as to yield the camera many varying colors, which always make for more interesting shots. The first car is now considered just a run-through, or trial, to allow me to learn this new facet of closeup imaging. The next one should be better and I am really looking forward to the results. I may or may not work on it today. Dinner tonight is going to take up the entire table so I have to make sure it's cleared early. Plenty of time. 1032 and the routine is finished. Laundry is in process and the garage is closed. That door is typically open all day long in order to maintain temperature and keep an eye on whatever may be happening outside the house. Today my garage is closed off because I am closed off. I don't want people seeing what's going on with my day. The laundry can dry on the rack without prying eyes. I have yet to completely polish the kitchen because at some point I will make some lunch. I can finalize the work in there afterward so everything is ready for dinner. Drink in hand, as well. I need the alcohol for suppressing desire and anger. So far, so good. Janina has the dark hair and eyes, yet not the features of a darkher. That is good. The other one -- Vedette -- also has the darker traits, yet she is the most frightening type of character imaginable. I will leave out any specifics, though. There are too many stereotypes floating around in this world for me to label anyone. She is an actor, yet the character scares the hell out of me. Almost the level of fear Ray had with nanotechnology. The fact that she frightens me should not be surprising considering the sheer amount of dreaming I've done over the last two years. There are few aspects of darkness which can be attributed to my desire. Very few, in fact. I don't know if I'll work on the other big car today. Right now I am not feeling it, mostly because of the effort required in breaking out all the pieces and organizing. If I am to have the dining table in order by this afternoon, that leaves minimal time for piecing together enough of the car for minimizing storage later. I don't want to make a mess. Moreover, if I build enough for photographing, that means all the camera stuff comes out. More to straighten later. What I wouldn't give for the ability to go back... Even just for a few minutes. I need 'her'. I need far too much these days. Everything is pain and disappointment. Every fucking thing. Irrelevant. My feelings do not matter. Oh all that shit just keeps affecting me in ways I cannot describe here. I still hear all of it... All the shit from multiple angles and threatening trajectories. From everywhere, really. Media? Not to blame. Imagery? Not to blame. Me? Not to blame. Sources of cutting words? Not to blame. Those deceased people from many years ago? They are responsible. Every fucking day I think of all those words and situations, pictures and damaging animated scenery that will not fucking go away. Nothing I can do will help me exit from this hellish highway, and the worst aspect to everything is that I am alone like never before. Alone in my thoughts. No one is listening. I swear -- and there have been many threats here in the last ten years -- I will cause bad things to happen if this goes on much longer. Not the guy who drilled a hole in his head, though. Much worse. My thoughts are about as bad as bad can get right now. I just keep hearing it over and over. There are many definitions of hell. I have my own. Time to move the laundry around. 1056. I see a loss of direction very soon.
The Andrea corridor
1139 and the laundry is finished for today. While in the garage, I blasted (and I mean BLASTED) some songs as I folded and hung the clothes. Both doors closed means the neighborhood was likely unaffected, yet right now I am beginning to feel the pull of working out there and making a noisy statement to identify to passers by that this house is not one to be trifled. I can't be certain the work is a good idea right now. My brain has been somewhat loosened by the morning cocktail, so anything done outside must be approached with care. I don't need to lose my fucking way today. That has happened on too many occasions already. 'I swear I will BURN THIS FUCKIN' TACO STAND TO THE GROUND!' Ah, that is good stuff. I wish I could be something more than what I am. Let that statement burn in real good, too. Read it over and over, because those who utter such words at an advanced age are empty; bereft of hope and full of regret. Believe it, fuckheads. Today is not a good day. I need to see those two having sex again like I need a fucking hole in my forehead. What happened to the topic? 0709 on Wednesday. I just realized I never replied to my sister regarding a visit. Figures. I have a little time before morning business, coffee on the right, vampires and other 'supers' up there, and the flags are once again outside on display. Today already seems like one of those in which once I have the house to myself I am fairly overjoyed. I still have not been anywhere further than one of the two markets in weeks. Being here is what I need most right now. Well, there are other things in life that I need, too. But I can't go into that right now, maybe never. I have been handed cards. As for today, it should be a continuation of yesterday, meaning a bit of laundry and some more work on the big model. I might move the furniture around and do some floor cleaning in one of the bedrooms, a project I began yesterday. Kind of a pain, but improvement is necessary sometimes. 0817 and not only do I have the day to myself, but I also pushed part of the routine a bit. That means less work when I decide to walk away from this crap. My family is up there -- usually they are the morning choice while chores are going -- but I will switch soon back to the vampires. One of Nora's scenes is incoming, although I don't recall exactly when. My tripod mount for the phone will be arriving Friday, too. After that, I fully intend to record her for filing away and saving so I can see her gait anytime. Good? Bad? Twisted? I don't care. This is me. All the way back to snapping the instamatic to secure Barbi or Lisa in the early eighties, this type of thing. Difficulty goes with the territory of each day now. This feels permanent. At some point every fucking day I will recall those moments and situations of the past which are now so far away that they feel like nothing more than dreams while I slept. Did all that really happen? All that time? Money? The most recent desperate dash from reality was in eleven when I ran away for what felt like the tenth time in a year. I believe my head is a little better now, although I can only speak of being so desperate that I would have turned any fucking corner in hopes of finding some understanding. Now? I no longer believe it exists, but the betterment is apparent in the fact that my lifestyle is at least more stable. There are pieces missing inside and outside and I can't do fuck-all about any of it. All I can do is attempt to be comfortable. Nothing will go away and no one is listening. This is one of the most unique situations within which I have ever been buried. I still can't believe I'm sitting here right now. And I believe the level of difficulty I experience day after miserable day is actually much worse due to the past. Had none of that taken place, I would barely know the difference. Better to have... What? No fucking way, people. Failed. Foiled? Both. 0921. Some paths have no turns. The remainder of the day feels nice right now, yet I know at some point I will likely lose drive. Yesterday I successfully avoided falling into the afternoon 'trap' of returning to this exposition and remaining idle for an hour or two. The goal was to spread my efforts over time and instead of relaxing on the sofa, choosing to take little breaks here and there. I still worked on the model and exercised the big camera, yet never fell down and completely lost my way. I am going to try employing a similar method today. Right now I feel very small, so I haven't switched to the vampires yet. My family is still up there by way of the fourth show. Sometimes I just need the familiarity. Martha was effective and compelling in this role. I've always felt that way. Years ago I did become irritated by some of her lines and actions, but the truth is I was not thinking of her as a character as much as I do now. She is awesome, as is the multi-part storyline. The weather is already warmer than yesterday afternoon. Perhaps I can spend time in the garage rather than only being out there for breaks. The motivation to do anything outside the typical daily scope is hard to come by and feels haphazard. Sometimes I really get into something far enough to be forced into finishing, rather like those jobs we did in the past involving a 'cut' which basically left us without any options other than completing the work. We would chop the main water line to a house. Afterward? No way around it. The work had to be finished and the water back on for the occupants, meaning we had no choice but to hop to the task. Yesterday I tore into the bedroom a little, knowing full well that it had to be back in order before close of business. Maybe I can get into a similar position today. The sunshine and temperature make any chores more comfortable. Eddie was goofy but a good person deep down. I could read that much. Like my uncle, he had a weakness which reared its head daily, yet nothing impeded his job performance. In fact, I could see a boost in effort after those lunch beers. For whatever reason, I felt for him early on due to others being standoffish as a result of his personality. Like an outcast, I suppose, but nothing serious. Just very different. So, I helped him with moving lites or setting up for a cutting operation as often as possible. My experience with all of the different tools and machinery came in handy and I ended up being sort of a surrogate teacher to make sure he learned and remained safe. I don't understand the mindset of people when it comes to how others are viewed, and much of that likely stemmed from being so introverted when I was young and combined with being picked on sometimes. I doubt Eddie had been the subject of the same, though. He was a formidable presence and came across as a 'loose cannon', for lack of better terms. Many probably kept their distance due to not knowing of what he may have been capable. Not long after he was hired and I was asked -- like a few other veterans -- to assist with his training, I could see something in the eyes that informed me of his concern about working in a new and unfamiliar location. My solution was to help Eddie feel comfortable and to give him a point of contact, as it were. Someone he could approach for any reason without hesitation. I also knew there was nothing for me to worry about. The eyes had it. I am still that person. Just like the work I did for the lady up the street, my brain fears being unkind to the wrong person. I had to help because I had the ability and equipment, the time being otherwise meaningless. Eddie may have helped her and others I've known by way of influencing me and forcing me to distance myself from those with whom I did not agree. I am sitting here right now satisfied with being completely alone because the only other option is associating with the same personality types that I viewed dealing with Eddie. Curious that I did not put all this together until just recently. 0948 and I am preoccupied with trying to figure myself out and learn. Soon I have to get to the routine. Sometimes the feelings inside me turn into goosebumps when I watch certain parts of these series play out. I become overwhelmed by sheer appreciation for many aspects of the writing and acting. They are my family, pushing that damned dream into my head often enough to leave me even more depressed than I already am on a regular basis. This is not an entirely a bad thing, believe it or not.
Ugh
The sheer level of mental comfort which accompanies my family keeping me company cannot be overstated here. Ever since the first of it -- back when the second show was actually running with new episodes on Thursday nights -- each viewing in all those different places I've lived became cumulative. I feel all of them when the stories play out. In the beginning was swing shift with my buddy, the same one I brought up during the afterglow when we visited the big electronics stores all the time and built our first computers. We worked the nights and on Thursdays had the VCRs set to record the show. When I arrived home sometime after midnight to have dinner, I would rewind the tape and watch the newest installment in my bedroom. The following day made us happy because it was Friday, plus we could discuss the previous night's episode at work. That period was during the glow and just after I met Eddie for his short-duration stint at the glass plant. Not until more than sixteen years later did the dream enter my head and force that exposition into me strongly enough for sharing on the official forums. No one responded in the context for which I had been hoping. The current period finds me dreaming of the same almost daily. Reasons are too many to list. 0738 and I am on the early shift today. My usual stuff will begin very soon, plus I have to run across town to drop off some coin rollers for people. Afterward will be whatever the hell I feel like doing, along with some camera work. I am still learning after all these years, too. Sometimes I believe I have a handle on many aspects of the exposure, only to later gaze at some shots and realize that I need practice or more learning. The first time I used a camera of this type was way back, likely fifteen years ago or so. You'd think by now my education might be further along, but alas... The process can be complex, especially when shooting long-exposure macro stuff. I'll get there. Anyway, the vampires will follow along with whatever I do later. Today is forecasted to be the warmest day of the year thus far. Yesterday was pretty warm, too. The house ended up into the mid-seventies by close of business. This morning I already have the furnace locked out so the weather can do its job later. I do enjoy the warmth sometimes, especially after having froze my ass off just a month ago and beyond. This year has by and large been very cool, mostly in the morning, and thus has not warmed the house very much. Yesterday was the first, I believe. Still a bit of coffee left. After it's gone I'll head north to drop off the rollers. I actually have the media off right now so I can think. Very different. Back to Eddie and me. A good portion of the reasoning I turned out this way is fear, followed closely by the example my father set as he cared for my mother from the mid-eighties until he left the world nine years ago. I can see some traits as they repeat in me, such as overly caring for others and lots of generosity, even toward those I really don't like very much. I can't help it, just as the example of working with Eddie described. My default position is to treat people as if they are people and nothing else, a standpoint echoed within one of my favorite movies. The character basically stated that his view was to treat everyone as a friend or no one, and it really didn't matter which. Well, I started out kind, so my view was clear from the beginning. Years later I became ridiculed because of such a lifestyle and greatly suffered for it, yet I still remained steadfast out of a need for acceptance, from whenever or wherever that may have materialized. Sometimes it worked, other times it went very badly. I cannot resist helping. The fear of my young life led to who I am right now, all anger and depression. Good and bad, really. I am a good person. So was Eddie. I can still see his face peering through the racks with wide eyes and asking me for some help. 0648 on Friday. The other Jamie up there, but something is wrong with her. I can't put my finger on it, yet one or more aspects of her form may be out of place and I did not notice before. Still amazing in a few ways, though. Some of her features are reminiscent of several different examples of the obsession. Yesterday formed into an exercise in patience with the mercury rising far beyond what I had expected. We spent a bit of time on the driveways relaxing, some more time in the backyard when the afternoon breeze came up, and then basically just sat around for the remainder of the evening due to the high temperature in the house. I maintained my water regiment, so I didn't lose my way or much energy. Over the last nine hours, the temperature has dropped more than twelve degrees. This morning should be fine for the routine and other activities. Ooh-fa. I almost forgot I need to deliver some specialty cheese to a friend of mine across town in three hours. No big deal, I suppose. Plus, I can swing into one of the markets on the return trip just in case we need a few things. Or maybe something for lunch. I don't know. Maybe aside from that little trip I will take it easy today and keep the workload light. I did not sit here for very long yesterday because I felt the air changing in the morning and knew I had to move around earlier rather than later. By one in the afternoon, the heat was already enough to prohibit anything heavy. I ended up next door for a little while... In the shade. I'm wondering if any member of NATO is going to do more than send support and condemn what they see playing out over there. It's pretty fucking bad and I am about to fully support an all-out attack on the Russian forces by as many nations as are willing to head into that area and begin mopping the floor. We already have a fucking strike group in the Mediterranean. Send it into the Black Sea along with one more, and then blast the holy shit out of the Russian forces until they completely give up, and then blast more. That is the only language that bald motherfucker is going to understand. Condemning acts and calling people names only means more will suffer at his hands. We need to blow the fuck out of them... Hard. Unrelenting. Don't give them a second to breathe. But? None of that is going to happen because everyone is worried about causing keys to turn. Personally, I really don't give a shit anymore. I'm tired of the world sitting still for this. Ok, no more of that unless I get pissed off again. No one is listening anyway. I could surf across Jurnee's lips sometimes. Holy fuck, already. And the other day with the faeries? Jesus fucking holy Christ on a rubber crutch... Artwork everywhere and over and over, especially one little morsel for a split second. I need to go back to that episode and cap her for all time. Asian breasts and all that goes with them, dark and alluring. Unbelievable. Hopefully today moves along very slowly. The time can stretch and allow me to think about everything that is important. 0853 and I am left to my devices. I don't have to drop off the cheese uptown for over an hour, plus we never cooked dinner last night so my kitchen will be a quick process. Some coffee left, flags out, cats splayed across the bed and sound asleep... Business as usual. I may or may not stop at the market for a few items on the return trip. This scene when Robert tells an ancient story to Kate is fantastic and one more reason why these shows are deep in my heart. At this late date, I still cannot believe how much I've held back from the site. Even if a reader begins to shape some of the information I've shared into a conclusion, they would be incorrect because no one has a clue as to what some of the analogies or euphemisms really mean. There are a few individuals who have spoken to me in person (only one during the past few years, though) and even those words had been veiled much of the time. There is so much more, however I cannot go into it because I already know of the outcome. I don't need any more bullshit in my life, so everything remains locked away. One entry spells out a few ideas but it will never be published and is so protected that even I have trouble viewing it. Believe me.
We lived at the highest level
I'll have to stay away from expressing my feelings about the conflict in the east. Too sensitive. Plus I am far too angry. 0912. A little over half an hour before I head across town. 1113 now. The weather is noticeably cooler than yesterday, thank the maker. I went across to the north end of town to deliver the cheese and ended up visiting with those guys for more than half an hour. Had I known they would be wanting to spend some time together, I would have planned better and brought some booze and stuff. The time there was really nice. Now I'm thinking we might consider a longer gathering to catch up more and do something more than what has become the norm for the last two years. Bailey is on the screen again, damn it. She forces thoughts better avoided, especially considering my deep-seated issues. Anyway, I already took care of the kitchen after returning and am now open for the rest of the day. I may work on the model in a little while because of how much comfort it can provide. I'd like to get another, yet the cost of those kits is quite high, and for good reason. Ah... Now the cheese recipient is messaging me about visiting more often due to our situations being very similar, as in him being home all the time like me and having identical schedules. That would be fantastic, both because he is very nice to speak with and the fact that I haven't wished to spend time at the bar lately. What a great idea. This could be just the type of thing to pull me up a bit. Wow. I suppose I'll figure out what to do for lunch and then work on the model again. It's just too fucking comfortable to pass. Also, I had the intention of doing as little as possible on this day just because I can. The camera will be involved, too. 0729 and Saturday morning coffee. I ended up going over the hill yesterday to get the hell out of here for a little while and have an inexpensive lunch. The drive was rather nice, and upon returning I indeed relaxed with the model and my show. Later in the afternoon I straightened the table and put the room back into living mode for the evening. Dinner, our show (which I am having much trouble following due to my hearing and the overly dynamic nature of the audio) and then sleep. Today will be a couple of errands and then housework, or perhaps the other way around. This morning I actually shut off the television because everything became irritating. Now the house is quiet. I've been looking into tilt-shift photography for a long time, I believe ever since my ex-partner rented one of those lenses to experiment. The Nikon TS lenses are very expensive, although there are some other branded units much cheaper. I may opt for something inexpensive to learn on before throwing a ton of money at the situation. I looked at adapters as well, yet they require a much larger lens in order to ensure the sensor receives the entire image when shifted. That would mean the adapter plus a medium-format lens which could end up costing nearly as much as one of Nikon's own. Ugh. Maybe I'll just have to wait a while and work with what I have. The recent educational stuff I've been reading has helped my hobby greatly and there is always creativity to be found if I stretch my mind a bit. Later on I can get into the tilt-shift, perhaps through a rental just like she did. The prime TS that I'd love to own is beyond three thousand, believe it or not. People always believe the professional cameras are expensive, while the truth is most of a photographer's money is typically spent on glass. I've already purchased two lenses that total more than the body, not to mention the battery grip, flash, tripod/head and wireless release. Heh. Whatever. One of these days... The phone mount for my tripod arrived yesterday and BARELY fits the phone case. I almost had to pull the case off, which I really don't like because the damned phone itself was hideously expensive. The mount will work for my deviant purposes of recording Nora's gait, though. All I have to do is darken the room and queue the playback, mount the phone and shoot. I'll transfer her beauty to this machine and the site for access whenever I need to be reminded of just how fucked up I've become over saving anything which reminds me of all that has been lost. Yes, I said that. I need to watch that woman walk over and over and over just because I can. Still images are one thing because I already owned the gear, but to spend money on a mount in order to capture a moment from the show helps me to realize the narrowness of my existence of late. Basket case, like always. 0931 and I should care for part of the routine and get away from this crap. 0659 on Sunday, and after a pretty damned satisfying Saturday. I actually trimmed more of the hedge in front along the driveway and filled the green can for a change. The last few months I've avoided cutting further into that ugly thing because there had been a bird's nest inside. Yesterday I went out there to take advantage of the daylight and saw that everything inside the hedge is gone. So, I chopped enough to fill the can before sending it to the curb today. I also grew motivation out of thin air with regard to my cabinet door project. The plywood which has lived in the center of the garage for nearly a year came out and I trimmed it to length. Afterward, I clamped it to the shelving unit and fabricated a compass from a strip of wood for beginning the pentagram design. That may end up being a weekday thing, but at least I started the process. The pentagram is to be a close match to the one which graced the wall of my apartment eleven years ago. Funny, yesterday I went to the archive to see the images of the walls from back then and they were missing. Hmm. I had to repair the entry this morning. Apparently, when streamlining everything last year I overlooked that one essay. Not long after, I reorganized the image folders because of the sheer numbers. Well, the apartment images disappeared somewhere along the line. Lots of fixing. Now? Those images are too small from which to draw scale, so today I have to fire up the RAID and find the originals. Such an action may spawn yet another project I've been putting off, which is the relocation of the networking devices within this house. Ugh. That will, in turn, push the reorganization of the home theatre equipment to my right. That corner is difficult to clean due to all the cabling. I've been meaning to dig into it for a while now. Perhaps I've found the motivation. Anyway, I'll duplicate the old apartment images this morning before long and derive the dimensions as best I can. All the other decorations which lived inside the pentagram will be unnecessary. I'm willing to express my mood and lifestyle out there, but wish to avoid too many questions. I pretty much told the squareheads that visiting me in the future is not such a good idea because my feelings had solidified in another direction. If they return while the garage door is up, well... The statement shall be clear enough. Heh. 0751 now. I'll have one more cup of coffee before beginning the Sunday morning business. I will also hit the beginning of another entry. This is long enough. Eddie helped me to look at people differently, just like the guy on the freeway that I passed while finally driving my dream car. Now my compassion is at an all-time high, yet I still feel disdain for society as a whole. There may be no fixing that one. Her."
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