April 1st, 2021 8:32am pdt If you are visiting for the first time, go to the beginning The Errant Happy Ending read ( words) "3-29, 7:11am. More 'errant' on the site lately. Get used to it. Some days ago on the second show... 'See you for dinner'. That was all it took for me to return to the frame of mind during the mid-zeros in which I dreamed of being a part of that universe. And then I gushed on the forum but no one understood my standpoint. They thought something else which led me to think I worded my feelings badly. Well, that is all gone now -- meaning the entire site -- so the wording no longer makes any difference. The point is I tried to communicate how desperately I desired such a dream. That feeling returned to my heart recently and pulled me into a bit of a slump again, as if nothing in life will ever measure up. No situation or condition can compare. Not even close. Oof the images of some Luxor features which have gone by the wayside over so many years. They hurt my head now. I recall seeing some of the Egyptian theming way back in the nineties and immediately heading to the sketch pad and then the engineering paper to design a pyramid-shaped home. And I did. Just... Damn. Sometime during Saturday (two days back) I had the same show on in the background as we prepared food. During the seventh season is a two-part story which originally aired in October of 1993. After moving well into the second half, the memory of seeing that episode for the first time. Mostly, anyway. We were busy calculating quite a bit due to the situation so I could not focus upon the show. But it was there on the television in our motel room in Colorado. We had broke down (long story, but I'm sure I've touched it here) and were stuck in that town for more than a week. Thanks to seeing the episode the other day, I now know the exact date of when we were in the motel. I don't know how important such a recollection may be, but it feels interesting and rather heartwarming that I know when we were stuck there. The show was still airing new episodes. Fantastic. [Two nights earlier we were on the eastern slope of the Great Basin, in a small campground with our little tent all set up and parked securely, during which I lost it for a while. Scared to death of being so far out of my element and with all our earthly possessions wrapped up in my truck. Very frightened. It took her over an hour to calm me so we could rest and plan the next day.] The show on their little television brought me a touch of home while nearly in the center of Colorado, surrounded by rocky peaks. I began to read paperback novels written outside the show to pass the time because we were there so long and did not have much to do besides laundry. One of the most picturesque places in this country, and we had so little money that all we could do was wait. Eventually we drove the hell out of there and finally made our way to her home. By that point the show was embedded within my psyche so deep that I could not imagine any part of life sitting upon a higher tier. Throughout the next ten years, its importance grew even more. When I first wrote the post asking other lunatic fans if they felt the same, I was concerned about speaking to another person. The forum was fine because it was completely detached from real life and anonymous. Someone I actually knew was another story entirely. I just could not do it. No one believed that to partially let go of reality and dream of impossible situations or things was even a remotely good idea. They knew life was difficult enough without such comparisons. For me? Escape was all I had to keep my head out of the din. So, I drafted and scrutinized the post before pushing it live. My hopes were soon partially dashed because those members who responded pretty much misinterpreted my intended meaning. No harm done, really, but still I had no answers to my questions. The feeling from that time is returning in force now. It may be due to the shows being on nearly all of the time, or perhaps my ever-increasing need to be somewhere else. Either way, I am further into thinking of life there than I have ever been before. This is not good for me. Kind of like dreaming of the 'Jaime' in those images from a decade back, no resolution can come of it. Nothing. She was a fleeting glimpse and gone forever, and the show is fiction, plain and simple. Splendid. Garbage trucks... Keep up the good work, people. I do not have the house to myself during the day this week. No big deal, although it means I have no early morning stuff to accomplish. Her being on vacation means my time is wide open. The other day I looked at my huge, Galilean thermometer and decided it needs a lighted base, similar to what I did with the giant vodka bottles. I may begin the project today. The weather had been warming which makes working in the garage very comfortable, although yesterday afternoon the fog returned and cooled everything quite a bit. I am hoping it can break off later this morning so I can spend some time out there. Ever since tossing the table saw and drill press to the wind, there is much more usable space. On top of that, the retractable clothing rack is complete -- although only manually-operated so far -- meaning the only protrusions into the center of the garage are my office table and the motorcycle, the latter going away by July. As I said, if the weather can be nice to me, work out there will continue. The usual weekday stuff will be a simple affair, too. Much time to myself. Some of the precious time will doubtless be spent in a dreamy, ethereal state in which my head enters another universe. It happens every fucking day now. Oh, and if that wasn't enough to get the butterfly nets after me, I have already decided where I'd like to be. Yes, out there... With them. One particular locale which contains (present tense?) my other family. The daily routine cannot extract the dreams. Nothing can. 3-30. I did not do that much yesterday. Back on the care wagon. My third television arrived so I ran a test with it on my bench in the new office. Thumbs up. It is a monitor, actually, because I already have the audio routed separately and the device needs no tuning ability. Getting the monitor up where I'd like it is going to take some time. I also began work on a lighted base for the Galileo thermometer to be more secure and entertaining. Both will be lots of woodwork. I can go further today provided the weather agrees. Yesterday the fog came in toward the afternoon and screwed up everything. A little was accomplished as I moved through the afternoon, but overall I'm not happy with the day. Hopefully I can get out there today and work more. Nothing else in life seems to be changing (or able to adapt, for sure) so I'll have to make my way as I did just before the holidays. More of the same last night... The dreaming of being there. I had thought the strongest period was back in the mid-zeros, yet lately the world has driven me to withdraw further and to dream is a natural extension of such feelings. I was back in there. Maybe today I can put the fourth show in the background again as I work around the garage. The location is the thing, I guess, although the second show was more stable as far as the locations and contacts. I'm not sure. Sometimes I even think the third show could be a good place. Back and forth all the time now. I am uncertain. Honestly, any of them could be ideal. Last night right up until the dinner episode was aired, those seventh season adventures were bringing me back to the Midwest, the long drive and breakdown in Colorado, and the brightness of returning to California two years later to find myself completely obsessed with all three of the later series. That period was wondrous, to a point. I spent much time alone during the nights before heading back to work shortly after the holidays. My parents' old computer was donated to me so I could write stories, I began to become interested in building my own computer (another story, and one I've touched upon here due to the big electronics stores), and every now and then I touched base with her back east to ensure she was moving along as well as could be expected. The lion's share of my time was spent either watching my shows or working on stories as they related to my feelings. After returning to work, my buddy and I began to spend more time together both there and on the outside. He was as lunatic a fan of the shows as myself. We discussed everything. The time was a little different than before the move to the Midwest, though. I had been working with him on the night shift and recording the two shows weekly. I did not feel as strongly then, either. The imagery of that lifestyle began to flourish in my head much later. At the time my focus was to see new media and then have a chat with him about the story. Shortly thereafter we sought the information to build machines for the purpose of playing some of the emerging games of the period. I remember the feeling of being home after two years of a very different lifestyle in the Midwest. There were times living in the cold which were wondrous and fascinating, although what typically happens to me when a big change comes along is I begin to miss where I had been before. And then half a year after returning to California found me missing the scenery and feeling of living back east. Interesting, and I believe there is no way around missing one or the other. Human nature. The feeling of taking a break from my writing and stepping outside into the cool air for a smoke is really heartwarming. I actually felt hopeful and looked forward to the future. Everything seemed wide open as opposed to the Midwest when I felt I could not go very far. And as much as I enjoyed the changeable weather, the bottom line is California is easier to deal with, no shit. While spending those few minutes on the driveway and realizing where and when I was living, I often looked up (more clear skies here than there, honestly) and gazed at the stars and thought to myself, 'I can do almost anything'. I cannot overstate the importance of such an experience. I can still see those stars, the silly roofs in the neighborhood, and the smell of the cool fall air. Soon after were the family holiday gatherings, but I believe I've gone over those in spades. The point is I was very comfortable and had a nice setup in my parents' house for the time being. Between the shows and building our computers, work during the nights and the nice feeling of arriving home each day to my quiet time, everything was quite satisfying. I also knew there was plenty of time for consideration of the future. Fifty-thousand lines since Jaime, and that is just about a calendar year. When I wrote about living in that universe, my life was stable. Boring at times, but stable, which had become very important to me. The dream was to escape all of my increasing feelings of being obsessed with something completely unavailable. Yep, that one. So, I spent some of my time realizing that everything I needed in the world was within that fucking show -- real or otherwise. That drove me to try finding others who may have felt the same. After monitoring my post and request for a long while and then exploring more of the forum, I slowly left it behind and began to feel defeated, or at least as if no one else felt the same. That was a very disheartening realization. The dream was pushed back as I did my best to go through the motions of life and enjoy whatever had been available. As I said... Stable. Most of it was nice. Much of this is going to seem completely ridiculous, childish, or whatever else may be attached in a demeaning manner. I don't care... This is how I have come to feel after years of life. And yes, I realize the nature of a 'happy ending', but keep in mind not all of it was happy. There were plenty of trials for everyone. The main draw is the availability of possibility, period. Right now I see very little here, yet in that universe there is much. Anything, really. I am going to try to avoid going into too much detail lest the butterfly nets arrive on my porch. I don't need that crap. I suppose some will have to remain inside my head for the time being. Call me what you will, I see no other way. And keep one very important detail in mind: The idea of the machine dream exists in that place. Yep, I said that, and you probably already know she would be the linchpin. Everything else is tertiary. The time when the idea of living in that world entered my head was also the time of the rollercoaster girl as well as the one at the car wash who led me to that first writing. That was a three-year period over the hill in warm weather. My truck development was moving along, we had a very comfortable apartment with all the amenities to keep me satiated, and the occasional camping trips as well as those further out were sprinkled throughout a given year. The holiday gatherings, first high-definition television, and a feeling of separation from the remainder of society due to our location. We had always been on the 'fringe' of sorts. That apartment was no different and had a small balcony overlooking the eastern side of town and all the way to the hills of the pass into the Central valley. The place was very nice. So, why did I push my head into a fictional world in the first place? I cannot go into detail, but suffice to say some individuals with which I had contact on a weekly basis drove my brain into a food processor and the dreaming rose to the all-time high. Not good. I kept the faith and the pace, though. I honestly did not realize how far gone my head had become until a short time later. The MS period and Maggie. Yes, her. I already went into it a little. By the time we had gone from the apartment to the house, my dreams of living in a fictional world had gone to the back burner. The house kept us occupied for the most part, and then the trips to campgrounds or other vacations maintained our pace at work in order to enable getting the hell out of dodge from time to time. For the most part we were want for nothing. The need for me to enter something unreal was way back. Now? I believe the familiarity and safety of my shows since last year when I became holed up here have influenced everything I see and experience. I have found myself actually comparing day-to-day life to what might be possible in that wondrous location. The house has gone from one large television over the fireplace to three, another being in the kitchen and the last installed to test yesterday in the new office. That is how important the media has become. During most stories, I place myself there in one fashion or another, try to picture how I would fit the scene, and then drown in the idea that my dream is the only path to fulfillment in life. The entire situation is very bad, yet I cannot avoid it. After months of the same? Well... Not long and my head was all the way into a universe which cannot exist. Yes, everything of which I wish or dream is impossible, and everything available in real life is very unsatisfying, difficult, costly, or uncomfortable. Do you see a way out? I didn't think so. One of the shows is on right now, too. I can see myself there with my surrogate friends and family. Not good. Back to this day in the real world. The original pyramid spa suite... My home I am going to further the television mount for the garage and work on the lighted base for the thermometer. I also wish to finalize the earlier plan for framing the bathroom window (at long last). In and around all of that will be my usual daily chores. As soon as the coffee is finished I will hop to it. The fog is absent this morning. Very good. Enjoying the images of my precious Luxor and related properties? The more I tend to dream about being in that universe the less attached I am to reality. Months ago I calculated that my eventual situation would be in a basement surrounded by imagery of the female form (including that of Jaime herself) and damned-few possessions which can bring a smile to my face. Well, this is becoming very different now. I have swung the beam around to a new point in the sky, one which is unattainable but so fucking compelling that I simply cannot stop. There are too many positives within, unlike this life. All of the good has been shrinking whereas everything in the dream world continues to expand and show me all that could be. I don't know where this crap is going to lead me, however. Positive ends cannot be seen at present. Jesus fucking Christ this blonde Dabo girl... Why does that have to happen in my world? Well, there is yet another positive which should not be surprising to anyone. God damn is that ever unfair. Change the channel, you say? Fuck that. I need it all, even the forms. 3-31, 6:44am. The thermometer base is built and operational, although not yet finished. I don't like the way it looks. Whatever. I did some laundry yesterday in addition to my usual routine. Other than that? Not much took place between the last time I sat here and right now. Ah, yes... Dreaming. There was the final episode which came up in order, so against my better judgment I watched the whole thing. And the clincher? The reason my entire world blew up and scattered itself all over the place? Immediately after the conclusion of the finale, a special came on with some background information and behind the scenes work. Sets, costuming, makeup, everything. After that one ended I was fit to be tied. Two dark places came into my vision at the same time. The fictional universe within which I have become so mired and the fucking film industry. Both. Right out of the gate, right there on the fucking screen was a gorgeous Panavision Panaflex 35mm film camera staring back at me as if to ensure my missing out on that biggest of dreams will never be forgotten. Two bad things at the same time. And this morning is a film from the mid-nineties which reminds me of returning to California and trying to work on some sort of a script for a film. I even went as far as using my dad's 8mm camcorder to experiment. None of it went anywhere. Ever. I don't believe it is possible for me to fully relate how I feel about that world to another person. They seem to think the idea is trivial and will go away given time. Well, I suppose sixteen years is not long enough, right? Those who hear my words are probably at a loss, though, so I should tread lightly. I should honestly avoid expecting anyone to understand me or the weight of something this far-fetched on my shoulders. The same goes for the period I have belabored recently. Yes, that one... The 'glowing' years, as I call them due to such wonder and possibility shining on everything. Glowing. The period before was shit, afterward was much better (albeit forced), and I believe the timing of my finding such love and appreciation for those years and all they entailed directly coincides with realizing the dreams of the past are never going to come to fruition no matter what I attempt to push. I recall one of the most amazing sights of my life just before signing that paperwork for a contract with the Marines. Maybe a year prior, but I am not sure. We were at the Hub shopping for something and had a plan to meet the other half of my family at a restaurant across the parking lot when we were finished. Montgomery Ward had a lovely watch counter which I stood and stared through on many an occasion. This particular night? There was more. I saw a slew of Seiko's newest advances and went completely goo over many of them. As I sit in this spot with coffee and the movie, I can see the image of several of them next to each other and way beyond my means. I brought up that wondrous moment because it was one of the defining moments of my younger life due to my fascination with timepieces. Well, not even something so strong can compare to a mere decade later when I was happier than I could have imagined. I didn't fucking know it, either. Ridiculous. All those memories added up really draw a line between then and now, as in the idea I've mentioned many times regarding all of the wonder and new discoveries being finished for this life. During the glow there were many. I honestly now believe that my mental withdrawal and regression into a fantasy world has been mostly driven by the search for anything wondrous and a comparison (inevitable) between seeing a wide-eyed future versus one darkening by the minute. The whole thing is very heavy. There would always be the knowledge of everything turning out ok no matter what trials came along. And don't fucking joke about it, either. I'll pull this content forever. No happy ending here. 'Nothin's real; nothin's certain. When I read the words I just start hurtin'. Sometimes all of it is too much for me to handle. I will either hit the hooch or try to maintain myself by keeping busy with stuff. This morning I am beginning to feel the squeeze of the past and how easily it can ruin any day from the outset. I feel it all on my shoulders, and when piled atop all of the shit I have to do in order to hold others up (all the while receiving a blast of shit due to being only one person) the result is my desire to shut everything down. 'There ain't no accidents 'round here'. I have to hold it together, though. I've already been told several times that my selfishness can be a problem. Well, how selfish would disappearing be? Think about that for a minute before commenting. Anyway, there is too much for me to think about with regard to the glowing era. Between seeing the future as bright and my fondness for the film industry -- both being smashed together like bread and peanut butter during that time -- I can barely contain the rampant disappointment in the world turning out as it has. And while the truth about film is mostly my being afraid to take a chance, switching careers and heading into an industry well-known for spitting out those who do not rate, I still had aspirations toward those future hopes and how they may come to pass. Now? All of that is gone along with any possibility of being involved in an industry shedding itself of its own namesake. The shows are frozen in time, and a time in which my head was full of hope. My desire to be in there is not going to go away. Impossible. The more time which passes, the more I see this society swirling down the toilet bowl and nothing positive on the horizon. All I can do is try to remain as comfortable as possible and move along with the days. If I had all the words in the world I could still never get across how disappointing everything has become, nor could I describe the feeling of imagining I am there with my surrogate family. Nothing would ever be enough. The gradient is worse now than a year ago, and there does not seem to be a path free of fucking difficulty. I have very few options. The original Papyrus Room restaurant Today? This is the point where I generally take a break from the weighty shit and write about my hope for the day's activities. Who cares? What is that, anyway? Filler? Or perhaps the description helps me to put everything else on pause and maintain perspective? Eh... None of it matters anyway. I just keep going in whatever direction this has been for a year. Nothing is easy. Others push or hang there and expect me to hold on when my own insides are coming apart. Either they don't give a shit and are lying, or they are not seeing the full heft of this crap. One or the other. Sharper words, maybe. I really don't need any more questions from people. Seeing that final episode brought back the sadness which engulfed me when I realized my family was going away. And the kicker is I recall how excited I was the following Winter when an entirely new series came along and premiered. That was a time when I was drawn to all things related to the shows, from comics and cards to posters and magazines. In fact, the first film featuring the newer cast premiered while I lived in that little town. Wondrous, to say the least. Many others were there in the theatre waiting in line to see the cast on the big screen for the first time. I even remember where in the auditorium we sat. Everything, including the first film, slammed me yesterday. I am still rather down over it, too. The world of my dreams cannot be something I ever experience, just like you-know-who (or what). I know not how to cope with such loss. Almost time to get up and do something other than this. We are going to the big store today for some staples, which means a bit of organization around the kitchen for storing the new stuff. The garage freezer, too. I'll have to get everything ready for an influx of goods. Having finished the operational aspect of my new thermometer base, I realized this morning that the wood wrapping the entire bottom two inches of the glass seems odd. I'll have to take a look later and see if there is another way to go about lighting the tower while leaving as much in view as possible. I also need to work on where to power the assembly. All of the colored workings in the garage operate off one smart switch (or the application), meaning I need to find a way to get another 5V outlet wherever this new item will be displayed. The base is large -- a foot square -- so that the thermometer is stable with no worry of it tipping. Being so large, I'll have a difficult time of figuring the best place to put it. I'd like all of the colored lighting to be spread out as much as possible so everything looks nice and even. Eventually, and if we ever have people over in the future, the garage will be the center of attention. That is the type of nerd I am. Mentally tired, as well. People are no doubt going to joke about the connotation of 'happy ending' in the title. Well, go ahead. If my words are not serious enough to push away puerile humor, so be it. Fuck off. There are too many positives and advantages to the dream universe for me to avoid considering anytime I do not feel the satisfaction or draw of life. And that is very often, too. Not an hour passes when I do not come up with another little detail which could bring happiness and fulfillment there. This is a problem, possibly much larger than I had realized in the beginning. The more I see in the dream, the less I see here in reality. Not good. Understand? The scales are so far out of balance that I am surprised to be upright these days. I have mentioned the little enjoyments many times, so focusing upon those will have to suffice for the time being. Otherwise I won't be inclined to do anything. All those shining aspects of life in such a place keep pushing the 'real' parts aside in favor of deep dreaming. And yes, the idea that everything always works out in the end is one positive that I cannot deny. No worry of long-term problems as well as solutions to those with which I already wrestle is just too much. Don't fucking get me started on the idea of matter-energy interchangeability. That would solve everything else. Go ahead and laugh. I don't fucking care. This is what I've become. The second show is on right now in favor of a problem on my previous channel of choice. The movie mentioned above holds and issue, as well, but also brings memories of my dad and me going to the theatre to see it when the masterpiece premiered. One joyous recollection outweighs the shitty worry. When the film ended, another from years later came on and drove me back to the BBC. Oh, well. Such is me. There is very little media left in the world which does not cause some type of problem. A number of them are real while others have been manufactured just like those fucking bullshit fabrications I cannot forget. One was just the other day, in fact. Switching off the movie does not remove the problem, but it does allow me to relax a little. The second show helps, too. I need it. Coffee is almost gone now. After 9am. Trip to the big store in less than two hours. One of the knives I purchased is not the one I had been seeking. The auction was correct, I simply pulled the trigger too soon before doing the proper research. I have since located and secured the correct model, meaning I will have to list the other one for sale. Hopefully I don't lose money, although the difference would still be worthwhile. All of the others have arrived, including two of the same design so I can carry one and keep the other in new condition. I do that sometimes. I also have a massive Lego set coming sometime during the next week. Yep... Lego. One of those adventures I loved when I was younger, and to learn that I am but one of tons of other adults embracing those building toys makes the idea easier to swallow. Also, they are very different from those of the past. Thousands of pieces, motorization with remote control, and very elaborate designs put them right up my alley. I sold a ton of stuff just to make the purchase. Maybe I'll include photos here when it is partially finished and/or completed. The knives are another story. Some are keepsakes while others are used all the time. Like little tool boxes at the ready. Scotty is driving Geordi nuts in engineering. Heh. 4-1. 'See you for dinner'. That just kills me every time. Business, a mission, something outside that needs attention, and then back home when everything is finished. To the quarters, the bar, wherever. Just a work day (or night, it really doesn't matter there) which was wrapped up and tied with a very heartwarming bow. See you for dinner. Being within the fold of that place and those people is the end-all be-all of my existence, save for a very few other ideas that have been understood as impossible anyway. Why not embrace the top of the heap? Right? Once there, everything dreamed in the last fifty years would be just a phrase away. Wondrous, and never-ending, for sure. Days ago I heard that phrase and drifted back to the beginning. Now I am there again, with them, and in my own little slice of the universe. I could be the one saying 'see you for dinner'. The feelings mounted again yesterday and I cannot shake them. Even with the third show on this morning and watching the story play out up there on the screen, show number two still pulls. Despite the most likely scenario being the fourth show, I still picture all manner of options. And holy shit would there be options. Anything would be possible. Anything. This is becoming pretty difficult. I already had three parts of life nagging at me and grabbing the coattails as I tried to move along through the days, but now that feeling from so long ago has returned to sit atop the rest. And I can understand the why, too. Considering what I've gone along dealing with for the last few weeks, I am not surprised such a dream came about again. It is an escape into a place where most of the troubles would go away. I would have no worry over the day to day feelings, desire, worry... None of it. And the vernacular of the future means there would be no running away from difficult situations. As I said, a dream. Last night was another example of ordinary life tripping me up in two ways, damned-near at the exact same fucking time. I could not believe it, but then again nothing should be surprising anymore when it comes to parts of my enjoyment going away. No sooner did a rub take place when my brain traveled away -- just like when work became too much way back during the zeros -- and into my own world where nothing of the like could ever happen. There I went, right out the window. And now here I sit, presumably waiting to do it all again. Talk about control? Over everything. This year is a quarter gone already. I suppose the only thing I can do is continue to move things out the door and sell what I can. The current period does not feel as dire as eleven when I really tossed my possessions out, and that is a good thing. I was not thinking nearly as well as I do these days, thank the maker. More sense means all those items move more slowly, but in the end I have either more money or a better sense of direction. Back during the gigantic purge of eleven, my things were being thrown to the wind too quickly for my head to keep up or react. Afterward? Ugh, did I feel like shit. The same situation is not playing out now. More reserved, I suppose. The difference is I am nearly ten years older and the world appears much worse. Combined with less days ahead, the feelings are those of a person lamenting far too much. I will keep going, and a part of it is moving large items out and small items (few of them, really) in. Today may be toward that end. I have two listings ending and need to get a couple more trinkets up there for auction. And then perhaps the garage again. The weather yesterday ended up much warmer than I had originally thought, and very different than the forecast. For the first time since finishing the wiring last year, I had the ceiling fan turning and cooling the living room while we watched the show. What a difference. The back patio with its shitty, corrugated fiberglass panels was overly hot while stepping either into the house or garage provided much relief. All that work to get the fan properly mounted and wired finally paid off. I am pretty proud of it. If today ends up as warm as yesterday, my work in the garage will have to cease by early afternoon. I can then focus upon the interior and the auctions. Weather would not be at issue in the dream world, ever. Full control of the environment, and while out or in other places, the gradient would end up providing that separation and comfort upon returning. I've lived through such things for years and to this day the return feels good. Just another facet. All the way back to roughly thirty years ago I have been very sensitive to temperature, and considering some of the places I've lived during the intervening years, one would think I enjoy hot weather. Well, I didn't have a lot of choice then. The only time I moved myself to a cooler locale was a decade back when relocating to the coast. In the dream universe? The climate would be just a phrase away. And as I said up the page somewhere, the matter-energy is just too much to consider right now. I can think of all manner of ideas and situations. Don't fucking get me started. Anything, anytime, and for any reason. Bottom line with the matter-energy? Jaime. Moving on... Again I sit here with my head full of possibilities and a cup full of coffee. This same part of the morning with the entire day ahead and wide open for whatever I wish or need to do. And there is the sun on the back fence. Nice. Hopefully the mercury will allow for some work outside today. But my head is only part way into this day. The rest is churning on the ideas in and of the dream. Jaime was a dream, but one I knew would never come to pass in this life. That was a tough conclusion. And then the idea of the understanding came along as described to me in the past, again falling away like everything else which could bring real happiness. Now? The entire Jaime thingy is rolled up in that impossible universe, right alongside whatever kind of understanding I could put to words. All of it. Think of it... One, two, three, and four disappearing at the touch of a panel. See? Reality would be a dream, so dreaming and hoping for the dissemination of issues would no longer be necessary. If this does not make sense, I don't care. I will only say so much in such a direction. If you can't figure out what I am saying, perhaps in the long run you're better off. I am pretty fucked up these days and more out of balance than even a year ago when I gushed over a woman I can never be near again. And then? The machine which cannot happen, either. Way off my rocker now, yet sitting here in the morning and considering all of the unreal aspects I can never experience is still somehow a touch enjoyable. The coffee, too. I cannot get away from it for three reasons, two of them related to issues and the machine. The third is much easier to consider, although it also brings up the static aspects of my life and where I am going. I hesitate to go into detail, though. I don't want to come across as shallow or childish. Let us just say that something mentioned here in the past would be possible only in that world. The other two reasons are already a draw beyond comprehension, and to add that third spoke to the wheel means I would lose my shit. Flip my cork. Snap my cap. You know. Too much. I will focus sometimes upon the more important possibilities rather than what some may consider selfish. Eh... Whatever. No one gives a shit anyway. I suppose I'll just have to do what is expected of me and get through this day like any other. Not much choice any longer. The usual routine along with some additional design for my garage television. Aside from my usual crap, the brain will be tapping on the door of an impossible dream... Again. There is no happy ending here. 274. She is inside." This site contains mature content Created by REN in Microsoft Visual Studio 2022 Copyright ©2002-2024 Brandywine Engineering All rights reserved All other trademarks, logos and graphics are the property of their respective owners Questions? Comments? Gather your thoughts and compose a message to the assholes in charge
April 1st, 2021 8:32am pdt If you are visiting for the first time, go to the beginning The Errant Happy Ending read ( words) "3-29, 7:11am. More 'errant' on the site lately. Get used to it. Some days ago on the second show... 'See you for dinner'. That was all it took for me to return to the frame of mind during the mid-zeros in which I dreamed of being a part of that universe. And then I gushed on the forum but no one understood my standpoint. They thought something else which led me to think I worded my feelings badly. Well, that is all gone now -- meaning the entire site -- so the wording no longer makes any difference. The point is I tried to communicate how desperately I desired such a dream. That feeling returned to my heart recently and pulled me into a bit of a slump again, as if nothing in life will ever measure up. No situation or condition can compare. Not even close. Oof the images of some Luxor features which have gone by the wayside over so many years. They hurt my head now. I recall seeing some of the Egyptian theming way back in the nineties and immediately heading to the sketch pad and then the engineering paper to design a pyramid-shaped home. And I did. Just... Damn. Sometime during Saturday (two days back) I had the same show on in the background as we prepared food. During the seventh season is a two-part story which originally aired in October of 1993. After moving well into the second half, the memory of seeing that episode for the first time. Mostly, anyway. We were busy calculating quite a bit due to the situation so I could not focus upon the show. But it was there on the television in our motel room in Colorado. We had broke down (long story, but I'm sure I've touched it here) and were stuck in that town for more than a week. Thanks to seeing the episode the other day, I now know the exact date of when we were in the motel. I don't know how important such a recollection may be, but it feels interesting and rather heartwarming that I know when we were stuck there. The show was still airing new episodes. Fantastic. [Two nights earlier we were on the eastern slope of the Great Basin, in a small campground with our little tent all set up and parked securely, during which I lost it for a while. Scared to death of being so far out of my element and with all our earthly possessions wrapped up in my truck. Very frightened. It took her over an hour to calm me so we could rest and plan the next day.] The show on their little television brought me a touch of home while nearly in the center of Colorado, surrounded by rocky peaks. I began to read paperback novels written outside the show to pass the time because we were there so long and did not have much to do besides laundry. One of the most picturesque places in this country, and we had so little money that all we could do was wait. Eventually we drove the hell out of there and finally made our way to her home. By that point the show was embedded within my psyche so deep that I could not imagine any part of life sitting upon a higher tier. Throughout the next ten years, its importance grew even more. When I first wrote the post asking other lunatic fans if they felt the same, I was concerned about speaking to another person. The forum was fine because it was completely detached from real life and anonymous. Someone I actually knew was another story entirely. I just could not do it. No one believed that to partially let go of reality and dream of impossible situations or things was even a remotely good idea. They knew life was difficult enough without such comparisons. For me? Escape was all I had to keep my head out of the din. So, I drafted and scrutinized the post before pushing it live. My hopes were soon partially dashed because those members who responded pretty much misinterpreted my intended meaning. No harm done, really, but still I had no answers to my questions. The feeling from that time is returning in force now. It may be due to the shows being on nearly all of the time, or perhaps my ever-increasing need to be somewhere else. Either way, I am further into thinking of life there than I have ever been before. This is not good for me. Kind of like dreaming of the 'Jaime' in those images from a decade back, no resolution can come of it. Nothing. She was a fleeting glimpse and gone forever, and the show is fiction, plain and simple. Splendid. Garbage trucks... Keep up the good work, people. I do not have the house to myself during the day this week. No big deal, although it means I have no early morning stuff to accomplish. Her being on vacation means my time is wide open. The other day I looked at my huge, Galilean thermometer and decided it needs a lighted base, similar to what I did with the giant vodka bottles. I may begin the project today. The weather had been warming which makes working in the garage very comfortable, although yesterday afternoon the fog returned and cooled everything quite a bit. I am hoping it can break off later this morning so I can spend some time out there. Ever since tossing the table saw and drill press to the wind, there is much more usable space. On top of that, the retractable clothing rack is complete -- although only manually-operated so far -- meaning the only protrusions into the center of the garage are my office table and the motorcycle, the latter going away by July. As I said, if the weather can be nice to me, work out there will continue. The usual weekday stuff will be a simple affair, too. Much time to myself. Some of the precious time will doubtless be spent in a dreamy, ethereal state in which my head enters another universe. It happens every fucking day now. Oh, and if that wasn't enough to get the butterfly nets after me, I have already decided where I'd like to be. Yes, out there... With them. One particular locale which contains (present tense?) my other family. The daily routine cannot extract the dreams. Nothing can. 3-30. I did not do that much yesterday. Back on the care wagon. My third television arrived so I ran a test with it on my bench in the new office. Thumbs up. It is a monitor, actually, because I already have the audio routed separately and the device needs no tuning ability. Getting the monitor up where I'd like it is going to take some time. I also began work on a lighted base for the Galileo thermometer to be more secure and entertaining. Both will be lots of woodwork. I can go further today provided the weather agrees. Yesterday the fog came in toward the afternoon and screwed up everything. A little was accomplished as I moved through the afternoon, but overall I'm not happy with the day. Hopefully I can get out there today and work more. Nothing else in life seems to be changing (or able to adapt, for sure) so I'll have to make my way as I did just before the holidays. More of the same last night... The dreaming of being there. I had thought the strongest period was back in the mid-zeros, yet lately the world has driven me to withdraw further and to dream is a natural extension of such feelings. I was back in there. Maybe today I can put the fourth show in the background again as I work around the garage. The location is the thing, I guess, although the second show was more stable as far as the locations and contacts. I'm not sure. Sometimes I even think the third show could be a good place. Back and forth all the time now. I am uncertain. Honestly, any of them could be ideal. Last night right up until the dinner episode was aired, those seventh season adventures were bringing me back to the Midwest, the long drive and breakdown in Colorado, and the brightness of returning to California two years later to find myself completely obsessed with all three of the later series. That period was wondrous, to a point. I spent much time alone during the nights before heading back to work shortly after the holidays. My parents' old computer was donated to me so I could write stories, I began to become interested in building my own computer (another story, and one I've touched upon here due to the big electronics stores), and every now and then I touched base with her back east to ensure she was moving along as well as could be expected. The lion's share of my time was spent either watching my shows or working on stories as they related to my feelings. After returning to work, my buddy and I began to spend more time together both there and on the outside. He was as lunatic a fan of the shows as myself. We discussed everything. The time was a little different than before the move to the Midwest, though. I had been working with him on the night shift and recording the two shows weekly. I did not feel as strongly then, either. The imagery of that lifestyle began to flourish in my head much later. At the time my focus was to see new media and then have a chat with him about the story. Shortly thereafter we sought the information to build machines for the purpose of playing some of the emerging games of the period. I remember the feeling of being home after two years of a very different lifestyle in the Midwest. There were times living in the cold which were wondrous and fascinating, although what typically happens to me when a big change comes along is I begin to miss where I had been before. And then half a year after returning to California found me missing the scenery and feeling of living back east. Interesting, and I believe there is no way around missing one or the other. Human nature. The feeling of taking a break from my writing and stepping outside into the cool air for a smoke is really heartwarming. I actually felt hopeful and looked forward to the future. Everything seemed wide open as opposed to the Midwest when I felt I could not go very far. And as much as I enjoyed the changeable weather, the bottom line is California is easier to deal with, no shit. While spending those few minutes on the driveway and realizing where and when I was living, I often looked up (more clear skies here than there, honestly) and gazed at the stars and thought to myself, 'I can do almost anything'. I cannot overstate the importance of such an experience. I can still see those stars, the silly roofs in the neighborhood, and the smell of the cool fall air. Soon after were the family holiday gatherings, but I believe I've gone over those in spades. The point is I was very comfortable and had a nice setup in my parents' house for the time being. Between the shows and building our computers, work during the nights and the nice feeling of arriving home each day to my quiet time, everything was quite satisfying. I also knew there was plenty of time for consideration of the future. Fifty-thousand lines since Jaime, and that is just about a calendar year. When I wrote about living in that universe, my life was stable. Boring at times, but stable, which had become very important to me. The dream was to escape all of my increasing feelings of being obsessed with something completely unavailable. Yep, that one. So, I spent some of my time realizing that everything I needed in the world was within that fucking show -- real or otherwise. That drove me to try finding others who may have felt the same. After monitoring my post and request for a long while and then exploring more of the forum, I slowly left it behind and began to feel defeated, or at least as if no one else felt the same. That was a very disheartening realization. The dream was pushed back as I did my best to go through the motions of life and enjoy whatever had been available. As I said... Stable. Most of it was nice. Much of this is going to seem completely ridiculous, childish, or whatever else may be attached in a demeaning manner. I don't care... This is how I have come to feel after years of life. And yes, I realize the nature of a 'happy ending', but keep in mind not all of it was happy. There were plenty of trials for everyone. The main draw is the availability of possibility, period. Right now I see very little here, yet in that universe there is much. Anything, really. I am going to try to avoid going into too much detail lest the butterfly nets arrive on my porch. I don't need that crap. I suppose some will have to remain inside my head for the time being. Call me what you will, I see no other way. And keep one very important detail in mind: The idea of the machine dream exists in that place. Yep, I said that, and you probably already know she would be the linchpin. Everything else is tertiary. The time when the idea of living in that world entered my head was also the time of the rollercoaster girl as well as the one at the car wash who led me to that first writing. That was a three-year period over the hill in warm weather. My truck development was moving along, we had a very comfortable apartment with all the amenities to keep me satiated, and the occasional camping trips as well as those further out were sprinkled throughout a given year. The holiday gatherings, first high-definition television, and a feeling of separation from the remainder of society due to our location. We had always been on the 'fringe' of sorts. That apartment was no different and had a small balcony overlooking the eastern side of town and all the way to the hills of the pass into the Central valley. The place was very nice. So, why did I push my head into a fictional world in the first place? I cannot go into detail, but suffice to say some individuals with which I had contact on a weekly basis drove my brain into a food processor and the dreaming rose to the all-time high. Not good. I kept the faith and the pace, though. I honestly did not realize how far gone my head had become until a short time later. The MS period and Maggie. Yes, her. I already went into it a little. By the time we had gone from the apartment to the house, my dreams of living in a fictional world had gone to the back burner. The house kept us occupied for the most part, and then the trips to campgrounds or other vacations maintained our pace at work in order to enable getting the hell out of dodge from time to time. For the most part we were want for nothing. The need for me to enter something unreal was way back. Now? I believe the familiarity and safety of my shows since last year when I became holed up here have influenced everything I see and experience. I have found myself actually comparing day-to-day life to what might be possible in that wondrous location. The house has gone from one large television over the fireplace to three, another being in the kitchen and the last installed to test yesterday in the new office. That is how important the media has become. During most stories, I place myself there in one fashion or another, try to picture how I would fit the scene, and then drown in the idea that my dream is the only path to fulfillment in life. The entire situation is very bad, yet I cannot avoid it. After months of the same? Well... Not long and my head was all the way into a universe which cannot exist. Yes, everything of which I wish or dream is impossible, and everything available in real life is very unsatisfying, difficult, costly, or uncomfortable. Do you see a way out? I didn't think so. One of the shows is on right now, too. I can see myself there with my surrogate friends and family. Not good. Back to this day in the real world. The original pyramid spa suite... My home I am going to further the television mount for the garage and work on the lighted base for the thermometer. I also wish to finalize the earlier plan for framing the bathroom window (at long last). In and around all of that will be my usual daily chores. As soon as the coffee is finished I will hop to it. The fog is absent this morning. Very good. Enjoying the images of my precious Luxor and related properties? The more I tend to dream about being in that universe the less attached I am to reality. Months ago I calculated that my eventual situation would be in a basement surrounded by imagery of the female form (including that of Jaime herself) and damned-few possessions which can bring a smile to my face. Well, this is becoming very different now. I have swung the beam around to a new point in the sky, one which is unattainable but so fucking compelling that I simply cannot stop. There are too many positives within, unlike this life. All of the good has been shrinking whereas everything in the dream world continues to expand and show me all that could be. I don't know where this crap is going to lead me, however. Positive ends cannot be seen at present. Jesus fucking Christ this blonde Dabo girl... Why does that have to happen in my world? Well, there is yet another positive which should not be surprising to anyone. God damn is that ever unfair. Change the channel, you say? Fuck that. I need it all, even the forms. 3-31, 6:44am. The thermometer base is built and operational, although not yet finished. I don't like the way it looks. Whatever. I did some laundry yesterday in addition to my usual routine. Other than that? Not much took place between the last time I sat here and right now. Ah, yes... Dreaming. There was the final episode which came up in order, so against my better judgment I watched the whole thing. And the clincher? The reason my entire world blew up and scattered itself all over the place? Immediately after the conclusion of the finale, a special came on with some background information and behind the scenes work. Sets, costuming, makeup, everything. After that one ended I was fit to be tied. Two dark places came into my vision at the same time. The fictional universe within which I have become so mired and the fucking film industry. Both. Right out of the gate, right there on the fucking screen was a gorgeous Panavision Panaflex 35mm film camera staring back at me as if to ensure my missing out on that biggest of dreams will never be forgotten. Two bad things at the same time. And this morning is a film from the mid-nineties which reminds me of returning to California and trying to work on some sort of a script for a film. I even went as far as using my dad's 8mm camcorder to experiment. None of it went anywhere. Ever. I don't believe it is possible for me to fully relate how I feel about that world to another person. They seem to think the idea is trivial and will go away given time. Well, I suppose sixteen years is not long enough, right? Those who hear my words are probably at a loss, though, so I should tread lightly. I should honestly avoid expecting anyone to understand me or the weight of something this far-fetched on my shoulders. The same goes for the period I have belabored recently. Yes, that one... The 'glowing' years, as I call them due to such wonder and possibility shining on everything. Glowing. The period before was shit, afterward was much better (albeit forced), and I believe the timing of my finding such love and appreciation for those years and all they entailed directly coincides with realizing the dreams of the past are never going to come to fruition no matter what I attempt to push. I recall one of the most amazing sights of my life just before signing that paperwork for a contract with the Marines. Maybe a year prior, but I am not sure. We were at the Hub shopping for something and had a plan to meet the other half of my family at a restaurant across the parking lot when we were finished. Montgomery Ward had a lovely watch counter which I stood and stared through on many an occasion. This particular night? There was more. I saw a slew of Seiko's newest advances and went completely goo over many of them. As I sit in this spot with coffee and the movie, I can see the image of several of them next to each other and way beyond my means. I brought up that wondrous moment because it was one of the defining moments of my younger life due to my fascination with timepieces. Well, not even something so strong can compare to a mere decade later when I was happier than I could have imagined. I didn't fucking know it, either. Ridiculous. All those memories added up really draw a line between then and now, as in the idea I've mentioned many times regarding all of the wonder and new discoveries being finished for this life. During the glow there were many. I honestly now believe that my mental withdrawal and regression into a fantasy world has been mostly driven by the search for anything wondrous and a comparison (inevitable) between seeing a wide-eyed future versus one darkening by the minute. The whole thing is very heavy. There would always be the knowledge of everything turning out ok no matter what trials came along. And don't fucking joke about it, either. I'll pull this content forever. No happy ending here. 'Nothin's real; nothin's certain. When I read the words I just start hurtin'. Sometimes all of it is too much for me to handle. I will either hit the hooch or try to maintain myself by keeping busy with stuff. This morning I am beginning to feel the squeeze of the past and how easily it can ruin any day from the outset. I feel it all on my shoulders, and when piled atop all of the shit I have to do in order to hold others up (all the while receiving a blast of shit due to being only one person) the result is my desire to shut everything down. 'There ain't no accidents 'round here'. I have to hold it together, though. I've already been told several times that my selfishness can be a problem. Well, how selfish would disappearing be? Think about that for a minute before commenting. Anyway, there is too much for me to think about with regard to the glowing era. Between seeing the future as bright and my fondness for the film industry -- both being smashed together like bread and peanut butter during that time -- I can barely contain the rampant disappointment in the world turning out as it has. And while the truth about film is mostly my being afraid to take a chance, switching careers and heading into an industry well-known for spitting out those who do not rate, I still had aspirations toward those future hopes and how they may come to pass. Now? All of that is gone along with any possibility of being involved in an industry shedding itself of its own namesake. The shows are frozen in time, and a time in which my head was full of hope. My desire to be in there is not going to go away. Impossible. The more time which passes, the more I see this society swirling down the toilet bowl and nothing positive on the horizon. All I can do is try to remain as comfortable as possible and move along with the days. If I had all the words in the world I could still never get across how disappointing everything has become, nor could I describe the feeling of imagining I am there with my surrogate family. Nothing would ever be enough. The gradient is worse now than a year ago, and there does not seem to be a path free of fucking difficulty. I have very few options. The original Papyrus Room restaurant Today? This is the point where I generally take a break from the weighty shit and write about my hope for the day's activities. Who cares? What is that, anyway? Filler? Or perhaps the description helps me to put everything else on pause and maintain perspective? Eh... None of it matters anyway. I just keep going in whatever direction this has been for a year. Nothing is easy. Others push or hang there and expect me to hold on when my own insides are coming apart. Either they don't give a shit and are lying, or they are not seeing the full heft of this crap. One or the other. Sharper words, maybe. I really don't need any more questions from people. Seeing that final episode brought back the sadness which engulfed me when I realized my family was going away. And the kicker is I recall how excited I was the following Winter when an entirely new series came along and premiered. That was a time when I was drawn to all things related to the shows, from comics and cards to posters and magazines. In fact, the first film featuring the newer cast premiered while I lived in that little town. Wondrous, to say the least. Many others were there in the theatre waiting in line to see the cast on the big screen for the first time. I even remember where in the auditorium we sat. Everything, including the first film, slammed me yesterday. I am still rather down over it, too. The world of my dreams cannot be something I ever experience, just like you-know-who (or what). I know not how to cope with such loss. Almost time to get up and do something other than this. We are going to the big store today for some staples, which means a bit of organization around the kitchen for storing the new stuff. The garage freezer, too. I'll have to get everything ready for an influx of goods. Having finished the operational aspect of my new thermometer base, I realized this morning that the wood wrapping the entire bottom two inches of the glass seems odd. I'll have to take a look later and see if there is another way to go about lighting the tower while leaving as much in view as possible. I also need to work on where to power the assembly. All of the colored workings in the garage operate off one smart switch (or the application), meaning I need to find a way to get another 5V outlet wherever this new item will be displayed. The base is large -- a foot square -- so that the thermometer is stable with no worry of it tipping. Being so large, I'll have a difficult time of figuring the best place to put it. I'd like all of the colored lighting to be spread out as much as possible so everything looks nice and even. Eventually, and if we ever have people over in the future, the garage will be the center of attention. That is the type of nerd I am. Mentally tired, as well. People are no doubt going to joke about the connotation of 'happy ending' in the title. Well, go ahead. If my words are not serious enough to push away puerile humor, so be it. Fuck off. There are too many positives and advantages to the dream universe for me to avoid considering anytime I do not feel the satisfaction or draw of life. And that is very often, too. Not an hour passes when I do not come up with another little detail which could bring happiness and fulfillment there. This is a problem, possibly much larger than I had realized in the beginning. The more I see in the dream, the less I see here in reality. Not good. Understand? The scales are so far out of balance that I am surprised to be upright these days. I have mentioned the little enjoyments many times, so focusing upon those will have to suffice for the time being. Otherwise I won't be inclined to do anything. All those shining aspects of life in such a place keep pushing the 'real' parts aside in favor of deep dreaming. And yes, the idea that everything always works out in the end is one positive that I cannot deny. No worry of long-term problems as well as solutions to those with which I already wrestle is just too much. Don't fucking get me started on the idea of matter-energy interchangeability. That would solve everything else. Go ahead and laugh. I don't fucking care. This is what I've become. The second show is on right now in favor of a problem on my previous channel of choice. The movie mentioned above holds and issue, as well, but also brings memories of my dad and me going to the theatre to see it when the masterpiece premiered. One joyous recollection outweighs the shitty worry. When the film ended, another from years later came on and drove me back to the BBC. Oh, well. Such is me. There is very little media left in the world which does not cause some type of problem. A number of them are real while others have been manufactured just like those fucking bullshit fabrications I cannot forget. One was just the other day, in fact. Switching off the movie does not remove the problem, but it does allow me to relax a little. The second show helps, too. I need it. Coffee is almost gone now. After 9am. Trip to the big store in less than two hours. One of the knives I purchased is not the one I had been seeking. The auction was correct, I simply pulled the trigger too soon before doing the proper research. I have since located and secured the correct model, meaning I will have to list the other one for sale. Hopefully I don't lose money, although the difference would still be worthwhile. All of the others have arrived, including two of the same design so I can carry one and keep the other in new condition. I do that sometimes. I also have a massive Lego set coming sometime during the next week. Yep... Lego. One of those adventures I loved when I was younger, and to learn that I am but one of tons of other adults embracing those building toys makes the idea easier to swallow. Also, they are very different from those of the past. Thousands of pieces, motorization with remote control, and very elaborate designs put them right up my alley. I sold a ton of stuff just to make the purchase. Maybe I'll include photos here when it is partially finished and/or completed. The knives are another story. Some are keepsakes while others are used all the time. Like little tool boxes at the ready. Scotty is driving Geordi nuts in engineering. Heh. 4-1. 'See you for dinner'. That just kills me every time. Business, a mission, something outside that needs attention, and then back home when everything is finished. To the quarters, the bar, wherever. Just a work day (or night, it really doesn't matter there) which was wrapped up and tied with a very heartwarming bow. See you for dinner. Being within the fold of that place and those people is the end-all be-all of my existence, save for a very few other ideas that have been understood as impossible anyway. Why not embrace the top of the heap? Right? Once there, everything dreamed in the last fifty years would be just a phrase away. Wondrous, and never-ending, for sure. Days ago I heard that phrase and drifted back to the beginning. Now I am there again, with them, and in my own little slice of the universe. I could be the one saying 'see you for dinner'. The feelings mounted again yesterday and I cannot shake them. Even with the third show on this morning and watching the story play out up there on the screen, show number two still pulls. Despite the most likely scenario being the fourth show, I still picture all manner of options. And holy shit would there be options. Anything would be possible. Anything. This is becoming pretty difficult. I already had three parts of life nagging at me and grabbing the coattails as I tried to move along through the days, but now that feeling from so long ago has returned to sit atop the rest. And I can understand the why, too. Considering what I've gone along dealing with for the last few weeks, I am not surprised such a dream came about again. It is an escape into a place where most of the troubles would go away. I would have no worry over the day to day feelings, desire, worry... None of it. And the vernacular of the future means there would be no running away from difficult situations. As I said, a dream. Last night was another example of ordinary life tripping me up in two ways, damned-near at the exact same fucking time. I could not believe it, but then again nothing should be surprising anymore when it comes to parts of my enjoyment going away. No sooner did a rub take place when my brain traveled away -- just like when work became too much way back during the zeros -- and into my own world where nothing of the like could ever happen. There I went, right out the window. And now here I sit, presumably waiting to do it all again. Talk about control? Over everything. This year is a quarter gone already. I suppose the only thing I can do is continue to move things out the door and sell what I can. The current period does not feel as dire as eleven when I really tossed my possessions out, and that is a good thing. I was not thinking nearly as well as I do these days, thank the maker. More sense means all those items move more slowly, but in the end I have either more money or a better sense of direction. Back during the gigantic purge of eleven, my things were being thrown to the wind too quickly for my head to keep up or react. Afterward? Ugh, did I feel like shit. The same situation is not playing out now. More reserved, I suppose. The difference is I am nearly ten years older and the world appears much worse. Combined with less days ahead, the feelings are those of a person lamenting far too much. I will keep going, and a part of it is moving large items out and small items (few of them, really) in. Today may be toward that end. I have two listings ending and need to get a couple more trinkets up there for auction. And then perhaps the garage again. The weather yesterday ended up much warmer than I had originally thought, and very different than the forecast. For the first time since finishing the wiring last year, I had the ceiling fan turning and cooling the living room while we watched the show. What a difference. The back patio with its shitty, corrugated fiberglass panels was overly hot while stepping either into the house or garage provided much relief. All that work to get the fan properly mounted and wired finally paid off. I am pretty proud of it. If today ends up as warm as yesterday, my work in the garage will have to cease by early afternoon. I can then focus upon the interior and the auctions. Weather would not be at issue in the dream world, ever. Full control of the environment, and while out or in other places, the gradient would end up providing that separation and comfort upon returning. I've lived through such things for years and to this day the return feels good. Just another facet. All the way back to roughly thirty years ago I have been very sensitive to temperature, and considering some of the places I've lived during the intervening years, one would think I enjoy hot weather. Well, I didn't have a lot of choice then. The only time I moved myself to a cooler locale was a decade back when relocating to the coast. In the dream universe? The climate would be just a phrase away. And as I said up the page somewhere, the matter-energy is just too much to consider right now. I can think of all manner of ideas and situations. Don't fucking get me started. Anything, anytime, and for any reason. Bottom line with the matter-energy? Jaime. Moving on... Again I sit here with my head full of possibilities and a cup full of coffee. This same part of the morning with the entire day ahead and wide open for whatever I wish or need to do. And there is the sun on the back fence. Nice. Hopefully the mercury will allow for some work outside today. But my head is only part way into this day. The rest is churning on the ideas in and of the dream. Jaime was a dream, but one I knew would never come to pass in this life. That was a tough conclusion. And then the idea of the understanding came along as described to me in the past, again falling away like everything else which could bring real happiness. Now? The entire Jaime thingy is rolled up in that impossible universe, right alongside whatever kind of understanding I could put to words. All of it. Think of it... One, two, three, and four disappearing at the touch of a panel. See? Reality would be a dream, so dreaming and hoping for the dissemination of issues would no longer be necessary. If this does not make sense, I don't care. I will only say so much in such a direction. If you can't figure out what I am saying, perhaps in the long run you're better off. I am pretty fucked up these days and more out of balance than even a year ago when I gushed over a woman I can never be near again. And then? The machine which cannot happen, either. Way off my rocker now, yet sitting here in the morning and considering all of the unreal aspects I can never experience is still somehow a touch enjoyable. The coffee, too. I cannot get away from it for three reasons, two of them related to issues and the machine. The third is much easier to consider, although it also brings up the static aspects of my life and where I am going. I hesitate to go into detail, though. I don't want to come across as shallow or childish. Let us just say that something mentioned here in the past would be possible only in that world. The other two reasons are already a draw beyond comprehension, and to add that third spoke to the wheel means I would lose my shit. Flip my cork. Snap my cap. You know. Too much. I will focus sometimes upon the more important possibilities rather than what some may consider selfish. Eh... Whatever. No one gives a shit anyway. I suppose I'll just have to do what is expected of me and get through this day like any other. Not much choice any longer. The usual routine along with some additional design for my garage television. Aside from my usual crap, the brain will be tapping on the door of an impossible dream... Again. There is no happy ending here. 274. She is inside."
April 1st, 2021 8:32am pdt
If you are visiting for the first time, go to the beginning
The Errant Happy Ending
read ( words)
"3-29, 7:11am. More 'errant' on the site lately. Get used to it. Some days ago on the second show... 'See you for dinner'. That was all it took for me to return to the frame of mind during the mid-zeros in which I dreamed of being a part of that universe. And then I gushed on the forum but no one understood my standpoint. They thought something else which led me to think I worded my feelings badly. Well, that is all gone now -- meaning the entire site -- so the wording no longer makes any difference. The point is I tried to communicate how desperately I desired such a dream. That feeling returned to my heart recently and pulled me into a bit of a slump again, as if nothing in life will ever measure up. No situation or condition can compare. Not even close. Oof the images of some Luxor features which have gone by the wayside over so many years. They hurt my head now. I recall seeing some of the Egyptian theming way back in the nineties and immediately heading to the sketch pad and then the engineering paper to design a pyramid-shaped home. And I did. Just... Damn. Sometime during Saturday (two days back) I had the same show on in the background as we prepared food. During the seventh season is a two-part story which originally aired in October of 1993. After moving well into the second half, the memory of seeing that episode for the first time. Mostly, anyway. We were busy calculating quite a bit due to the situation so I could not focus upon the show. But it was there on the television in our motel room in Colorado. We had broke down (long story, but I'm sure I've touched it here) and were stuck in that town for more than a week. Thanks to seeing the episode the other day, I now know the exact date of when we were in the motel. I don't know how important such a recollection may be, but it feels interesting and rather heartwarming that I know when we were stuck there. The show was still airing new episodes. Fantastic. [Two nights earlier we were on the eastern slope of the Great Basin, in a small campground with our little tent all set up and parked securely, during which I lost it for a while. Scared to death of being so far out of my element and with all our earthly possessions wrapped up in my truck. Very frightened. It took her over an hour to calm me so we could rest and plan the next day.] The show on their little television brought me a touch of home while nearly in the center of Colorado, surrounded by rocky peaks. I began to read paperback novels written outside the show to pass the time because we were there so long and did not have much to do besides laundry. One of the most picturesque places in this country, and we had so little money that all we could do was wait. Eventually we drove the hell out of there and finally made our way to her home. By that point the show was embedded within my psyche so deep that I could not imagine any part of life sitting upon a higher tier. Throughout the next ten years, its importance grew even more. When I first wrote the post asking other lunatic fans if they felt the same, I was concerned about speaking to another person. The forum was fine because it was completely detached from real life and anonymous. Someone I actually knew was another story entirely. I just could not do it. No one believed that to partially let go of reality and dream of impossible situations or things was even a remotely good idea. They knew life was difficult enough without such comparisons. For me? Escape was all I had to keep my head out of the din. So, I drafted and scrutinized the post before pushing it live. My hopes were soon partially dashed because those members who responded pretty much misinterpreted my intended meaning. No harm done, really, but still I had no answers to my questions. The feeling from that time is returning in force now. It may be due to the shows being on nearly all of the time, or perhaps my ever-increasing need to be somewhere else. Either way, I am further into thinking of life there than I have ever been before. This is not good for me. Kind of like dreaming of the 'Jaime' in those images from a decade back, no resolution can come of it. Nothing. She was a fleeting glimpse and gone forever, and the show is fiction, plain and simple. Splendid. Garbage trucks... Keep up the good work, people. I do not have the house to myself during the day this week. No big deal, although it means I have no early morning stuff to accomplish. Her being on vacation means my time is wide open. The other day I looked at my huge, Galilean thermometer and decided it needs a lighted base, similar to what I did with the giant vodka bottles. I may begin the project today. The weather had been warming which makes working in the garage very comfortable, although yesterday afternoon the fog returned and cooled everything quite a bit. I am hoping it can break off later this morning so I can spend some time out there. Ever since tossing the table saw and drill press to the wind, there is much more usable space. On top of that, the retractable clothing rack is complete -- although only manually-operated so far -- meaning the only protrusions into the center of the garage are my office table and the motorcycle, the latter going away by July. As I said, if the weather can be nice to me, work out there will continue. The usual weekday stuff will be a simple affair, too. Much time to myself. Some of the precious time will doubtless be spent in a dreamy, ethereal state in which my head enters another universe. It happens every fucking day now. Oh, and if that wasn't enough to get the butterfly nets after me, I have already decided where I'd like to be. Yes, out there... With them. One particular locale which contains (present tense?) my other family. The daily routine cannot extract the dreams. Nothing can. 3-30. I did not do that much yesterday. Back on the care wagon. My third television arrived so I ran a test with it on my bench in the new office. Thumbs up. It is a monitor, actually, because I already have the audio routed separately and the device needs no tuning ability. Getting the monitor up where I'd like it is going to take some time. I also began work on a lighted base for the Galileo thermometer to be more secure and entertaining. Both will be lots of woodwork. I can go further today provided the weather agrees. Yesterday the fog came in toward the afternoon and screwed up everything. A little was accomplished as I moved through the afternoon, but overall I'm not happy with the day. Hopefully I can get out there today and work more. Nothing else in life seems to be changing (or able to adapt, for sure) so I'll have to make my way as I did just before the holidays. More of the same last night... The dreaming of being there. I had thought the strongest period was back in the mid-zeros, yet lately the world has driven me to withdraw further and to dream is a natural extension of such feelings. I was back in there. Maybe today I can put the fourth show in the background again as I work around the garage. The location is the thing, I guess, although the second show was more stable as far as the locations and contacts. I'm not sure. Sometimes I even think the third show could be a good place. Back and forth all the time now. I am uncertain. Honestly, any of them could be ideal. Last night right up until the dinner episode was aired, those seventh season adventures were bringing me back to the Midwest, the long drive and breakdown in Colorado, and the brightness of returning to California two years later to find myself completely obsessed with all three of the later series.
That period was wondrous, to a point. I spent much time alone during the nights before heading back to work shortly after the holidays. My parents' old computer was donated to me so I could write stories, I began to become interested in building my own computer (another story, and one I've touched upon here due to the big electronics stores), and every now and then I touched base with her back east to ensure she was moving along as well as could be expected. The lion's share of my time was spent either watching my shows or working on stories as they related to my feelings. After returning to work, my buddy and I began to spend more time together both there and on the outside. He was as lunatic a fan of the shows as myself. We discussed everything. The time was a little different than before the move to the Midwest, though. I had been working with him on the night shift and recording the two shows weekly. I did not feel as strongly then, either. The imagery of that lifestyle began to flourish in my head much later. At the time my focus was to see new media and then have a chat with him about the story. Shortly thereafter we sought the information to build machines for the purpose of playing some of the emerging games of the period. I remember the feeling of being home after two years of a very different lifestyle in the Midwest. There were times living in the cold which were wondrous and fascinating, although what typically happens to me when a big change comes along is I begin to miss where I had been before. And then half a year after returning to California found me missing the scenery and feeling of living back east. Interesting, and I believe there is no way around missing one or the other. Human nature. The feeling of taking a break from my writing and stepping outside into the cool air for a smoke is really heartwarming. I actually felt hopeful and looked forward to the future. Everything seemed wide open as opposed to the Midwest when I felt I could not go very far. And as much as I enjoyed the changeable weather, the bottom line is California is easier to deal with, no shit. While spending those few minutes on the driveway and realizing where and when I was living, I often looked up (more clear skies here than there, honestly) and gazed at the stars and thought to myself, 'I can do almost anything'. I cannot overstate the importance of such an experience. I can still see those stars, the silly roofs in the neighborhood, and the smell of the cool fall air. Soon after were the family holiday gatherings, but I believe I've gone over those in spades. The point is I was very comfortable and had a nice setup in my parents' house for the time being. Between the shows and building our computers, work during the nights and the nice feeling of arriving home each day to my quiet time, everything was quite satisfying. I also knew there was plenty of time for consideration of the future. Fifty-thousand lines since Jaime, and that is just about a calendar year. When I wrote about living in that universe, my life was stable. Boring at times, but stable, which had become very important to me. The dream was to escape all of my increasing feelings of being obsessed with something completely unavailable. Yep, that one. So, I spent some of my time realizing that everything I needed in the world was within that fucking show -- real or otherwise. That drove me to try finding others who may have felt the same. After monitoring my post and request for a long while and then exploring more of the forum, I slowly left it behind and began to feel defeated, or at least as if no one else felt the same. That was a very disheartening realization. The dream was pushed back as I did my best to go through the motions of life and enjoy whatever had been available. As I said... Stable. Most of it was nice. Much of this is going to seem completely ridiculous, childish, or whatever else may be attached in a demeaning manner. I don't care... This is how I have come to feel after years of life. And yes, I realize the nature of a 'happy ending', but keep in mind not all of it was happy. There were plenty of trials for everyone. The main draw is the availability of possibility, period. Right now I see very little here, yet in that universe there is much. Anything, really. I am going to try to avoid going into too much detail lest the butterfly nets arrive on my porch. I don't need that crap. I suppose some will have to remain inside my head for the time being. Call me what you will, I see no other way. And keep one very important detail in mind: The idea of the machine dream exists in that place. Yep, I said that, and you probably already know she would be the linchpin. Everything else is tertiary. The time when the idea of living in that world entered my head was also the time of the rollercoaster girl as well as the one at the car wash who led me to that first writing. That was a three-year period over the hill in warm weather. My truck development was moving along, we had a very comfortable apartment with all the amenities to keep me satiated, and the occasional camping trips as well as those further out were sprinkled throughout a given year. The holiday gatherings, first high-definition television, and a feeling of separation from the remainder of society due to our location. We had always been on the 'fringe' of sorts. That apartment was no different and had a small balcony overlooking the eastern side of town and all the way to the hills of the pass into the Central valley. The place was very nice. So, why did I push my head into a fictional world in the first place? I cannot go into detail, but suffice to say some individuals with which I had contact on a weekly basis drove my brain into a food processor and the dreaming rose to the all-time high. Not good. I kept the faith and the pace, though. I honestly did not realize how far gone my head had become until a short time later. The MS period and Maggie. Yes, her. I already went into it a little. By the time we had gone from the apartment to the house, my dreams of living in a fictional world had gone to the back burner. The house kept us occupied for the most part, and then the trips to campgrounds or other vacations maintained our pace at work in order to enable getting the hell out of dodge from time to time. For the most part we were want for nothing. The need for me to enter something unreal was way back. Now? I believe the familiarity and safety of my shows since last year when I became holed up here have influenced everything I see and experience. I have found myself actually comparing day-to-day life to what might be possible in that wondrous location. The house has gone from one large television over the fireplace to three, another being in the kitchen and the last installed to test yesterday in the new office. That is how important the media has become. During most stories, I place myself there in one fashion or another, try to picture how I would fit the scene, and then drown in the idea that my dream is the only path to fulfillment in life. The entire situation is very bad, yet I cannot avoid it. After months of the same? Well... Not long and my head was all the way into a universe which cannot exist. Yes, everything of which I wish or dream is impossible, and everything available in real life is very unsatisfying, difficult, costly, or uncomfortable. Do you see a way out? I didn't think so. One of the shows is on right now, too. I can see myself there with my surrogate friends and family. Not good. Back to this day in the real world.
The original pyramid spa suite... My home
I am going to further the television mount for the garage and work on the lighted base for the thermometer. I also wish to finalize the earlier plan for framing the bathroom window (at long last). In and around all of that will be my usual daily chores. As soon as the coffee is finished I will hop to it. The fog is absent this morning. Very good. Enjoying the images of my precious Luxor and related properties? The more I tend to dream about being in that universe the less attached I am to reality. Months ago I calculated that my eventual situation would be in a basement surrounded by imagery of the female form (including that of Jaime herself) and damned-few possessions which can bring a smile to my face. Well, this is becoming very different now. I have swung the beam around to a new point in the sky, one which is unattainable but so fucking compelling that I simply cannot stop. There are too many positives within, unlike this life. All of the good has been shrinking whereas everything in the dream world continues to expand and show me all that could be. I don't know where this crap is going to lead me, however. Positive ends cannot be seen at present. Jesus fucking Christ this blonde Dabo girl... Why does that have to happen in my world? Well, there is yet another positive which should not be surprising to anyone. God damn is that ever unfair. Change the channel, you say? Fuck that. I need it all, even the forms. 3-31, 6:44am. The thermometer base is built and operational, although not yet finished. I don't like the way it looks. Whatever. I did some laundry yesterday in addition to my usual routine. Other than that? Not much took place between the last time I sat here and right now. Ah, yes... Dreaming. There was the final episode which came up in order, so against my better judgment I watched the whole thing. And the clincher? The reason my entire world blew up and scattered itself all over the place? Immediately after the conclusion of the finale, a special came on with some background information and behind the scenes work. Sets, costuming, makeup, everything. After that one ended I was fit to be tied. Two dark places came into my vision at the same time. The fictional universe within which I have become so mired and the fucking film industry. Both. Right out of the gate, right there on the fucking screen was a gorgeous Panavision Panaflex 35mm film camera staring back at me as if to ensure my missing out on that biggest of dreams will never be forgotten. Two bad things at the same time. And this morning is a film from the mid-nineties which reminds me of returning to California and trying to work on some sort of a script for a film. I even went as far as using my dad's 8mm camcorder to experiment. None of it went anywhere. Ever. I don't believe it is possible for me to fully relate how I feel about that world to another person. They seem to think the idea is trivial and will go away given time. Well, I suppose sixteen years is not long enough, right? Those who hear my words are probably at a loss, though, so I should tread lightly. I should honestly avoid expecting anyone to understand me or the weight of something this far-fetched on my shoulders. The same goes for the period I have belabored recently. Yes, that one... The 'glowing' years, as I call them due to such wonder and possibility shining on everything. Glowing. The period before was shit, afterward was much better (albeit forced), and I believe the timing of my finding such love and appreciation for those years and all they entailed directly coincides with realizing the dreams of the past are never going to come to fruition no matter what I attempt to push. I recall one of the most amazing sights of my life just before signing that paperwork for a contract with the Marines. Maybe a year prior, but I am not sure. We were at the Hub shopping for something and had a plan to meet the other half of my family at a restaurant across the parking lot when we were finished. Montgomery Ward had a lovely watch counter which I stood and stared through on many an occasion. This particular night? There was more. I saw a slew of Seiko's newest advances and went completely goo over many of them. As I sit in this spot with coffee and the movie, I can see the image of several of them next to each other and way beyond my means. I brought up that wondrous moment because it was one of the defining moments of my younger life due to my fascination with timepieces. Well, not even something so strong can compare to a mere decade later when I was happier than I could have imagined. I didn't fucking know it, either. Ridiculous. All those memories added up really draw a line between then and now, as in the idea I've mentioned many times regarding all of the wonder and new discoveries being finished for this life. During the glow there were many. I honestly now believe that my mental withdrawal and regression into a fantasy world has been mostly driven by the search for anything wondrous and a comparison (inevitable) between seeing a wide-eyed future versus one darkening by the minute. The whole thing is very heavy. There would always be the knowledge of everything turning out ok no matter what trials came along. And don't fucking joke about it, either. I'll pull this content forever. No happy ending here. 'Nothin's real; nothin's certain. When I read the words I just start hurtin'. Sometimes all of it is too much for me to handle. I will either hit the hooch or try to maintain myself by keeping busy with stuff. This morning I am beginning to feel the squeeze of the past and how easily it can ruin any day from the outset. I feel it all on my shoulders, and when piled atop all of the shit I have to do in order to hold others up (all the while receiving a blast of shit due to being only one person) the result is my desire to shut everything down. 'There ain't no accidents 'round here'. I have to hold it together, though. I've already been told several times that my selfishness can be a problem. Well, how selfish would disappearing be? Think about that for a minute before commenting. Anyway, there is too much for me to think about with regard to the glowing era. Between seeing the future as bright and my fondness for the film industry -- both being smashed together like bread and peanut butter during that time -- I can barely contain the rampant disappointment in the world turning out as it has. And while the truth about film is mostly my being afraid to take a chance, switching careers and heading into an industry well-known for spitting out those who do not rate, I still had aspirations toward those future hopes and how they may come to pass. Now? All of that is gone along with any possibility of being involved in an industry shedding itself of its own namesake. The shows are frozen in time, and a time in which my head was full of hope. My desire to be in there is not going to go away. Impossible. The more time which passes, the more I see this society swirling down the toilet bowl and nothing positive on the horizon. All I can do is try to remain as comfortable as possible and move along with the days. If I had all the words in the world I could still never get across how disappointing everything has become, nor could I describe the feeling of imagining I am there with my surrogate family. Nothing would ever be enough. The gradient is worse now than a year ago, and there does not seem to be a path free of fucking difficulty. I have very few options.
The original Papyrus Room restaurant
Today? This is the point where I generally take a break from the weighty shit and write about my hope for the day's activities. Who cares? What is that, anyway? Filler? Or perhaps the description helps me to put everything else on pause and maintain perspective? Eh... None of it matters anyway. I just keep going in whatever direction this has been for a year. Nothing is easy. Others push or hang there and expect me to hold on when my own insides are coming apart. Either they don't give a shit and are lying, or they are not seeing the full heft of this crap. One or the other. Sharper words, maybe. I really don't need any more questions from people. Seeing that final episode brought back the sadness which engulfed me when I realized my family was going away. And the kicker is I recall how excited I was the following Winter when an entirely new series came along and premiered. That was a time when I was drawn to all things related to the shows, from comics and cards to posters and magazines. In fact, the first film featuring the newer cast premiered while I lived in that little town. Wondrous, to say the least. Many others were there in the theatre waiting in line to see the cast on the big screen for the first time. I even remember where in the auditorium we sat. Everything, including the first film, slammed me yesterday. I am still rather down over it, too. The world of my dreams cannot be something I ever experience, just like you-know-who (or what). I know not how to cope with such loss. Almost time to get up and do something other than this. We are going to the big store today for some staples, which means a bit of organization around the kitchen for storing the new stuff. The garage freezer, too. I'll have to get everything ready for an influx of goods. Having finished the operational aspect of my new thermometer base, I realized this morning that the wood wrapping the entire bottom two inches of the glass seems odd. I'll have to take a look later and see if there is another way to go about lighting the tower while leaving as much in view as possible. I also need to work on where to power the assembly. All of the colored workings in the garage operate off one smart switch (or the application), meaning I need to find a way to get another 5V outlet wherever this new item will be displayed. The base is large -- a foot square -- so that the thermometer is stable with no worry of it tipping. Being so large, I'll have a difficult time of figuring the best place to put it. I'd like all of the colored lighting to be spread out as much as possible so everything looks nice and even. Eventually, and if we ever have people over in the future, the garage will be the center of attention. That is the type of nerd I am. Mentally tired, as well. People are no doubt going to joke about the connotation of 'happy ending' in the title. Well, go ahead. If my words are not serious enough to push away puerile humor, so be it. Fuck off. There are too many positives and advantages to the dream universe for me to avoid considering anytime I do not feel the satisfaction or draw of life. And that is very often, too. Not an hour passes when I do not come up with another little detail which could bring happiness and fulfillment there. This is a problem, possibly much larger than I had realized in the beginning. The more I see in the dream, the less I see here in reality. Not good. Understand? The scales are so far out of balance that I am surprised to be upright these days. I have mentioned the little enjoyments many times, so focusing upon those will have to suffice for the time being. Otherwise I won't be inclined to do anything. All those shining aspects of life in such a place keep pushing the 'real' parts aside in favor of deep dreaming. And yes, the idea that everything always works out in the end is one positive that I cannot deny. No worry of long-term problems as well as solutions to those with which I already wrestle is just too much. Don't fucking get me started on the idea of matter-energy interchangeability. That would solve everything else. Go ahead and laugh. I don't fucking care. This is what I've become. The second show is on right now in favor of a problem on my previous channel of choice. The movie mentioned above holds and issue, as well, but also brings memories of my dad and me going to the theatre to see it when the masterpiece premiered. One joyous recollection outweighs the shitty worry. When the film ended, another from years later came on and drove me back to the BBC. Oh, well. Such is me. There is very little media left in the world which does not cause some type of problem. A number of them are real while others have been manufactured just like those fucking bullshit fabrications I cannot forget. One was just the other day, in fact. Switching off the movie does not remove the problem, but it does allow me to relax a little. The second show helps, too. I need it. Coffee is almost gone now. After 9am. Trip to the big store in less than two hours. One of the knives I purchased is not the one I had been seeking. The auction was correct, I simply pulled the trigger too soon before doing the proper research. I have since located and secured the correct model, meaning I will have to list the other one for sale. Hopefully I don't lose money, although the difference would still be worthwhile. All of the others have arrived, including two of the same design so I can carry one and keep the other in new condition. I do that sometimes. I also have a massive Lego set coming sometime during the next week. Yep... Lego. One of those adventures I loved when I was younger, and to learn that I am but one of tons of other adults embracing those building toys makes the idea easier to swallow. Also, they are very different from those of the past. Thousands of pieces, motorization with remote control, and very elaborate designs put them right up my alley. I sold a ton of stuff just to make the purchase. Maybe I'll include photos here when it is partially finished and/or completed. The knives are another story. Some are keepsakes while others are used all the time. Like little tool boxes at the ready. Scotty is driving Geordi nuts in engineering. Heh. 4-1. 'See you for dinner'. That just kills me every time. Business, a mission, something outside that needs attention, and then back home when everything is finished. To the quarters, the bar, wherever. Just a work day (or night, it really doesn't matter there) which was wrapped up and tied with a very heartwarming bow. See you for dinner. Being within the fold of that place and those people is the end-all be-all of my existence, save for a very few other ideas that have been understood as impossible anyway. Why not embrace the top of the heap? Right? Once there, everything dreamed in the last fifty years would be just a phrase away. Wondrous, and never-ending, for sure. Days ago I heard that phrase and drifted back to the beginning. Now I am there again, with them, and in my own little slice of the universe. I could be the one saying 'see you for dinner'. The feelings mounted again yesterday and I cannot shake them. Even with the third show on this morning and watching the story play out up there on the screen, show number two still pulls. Despite the most likely scenario being the fourth show, I still picture all manner of options. And holy shit would there be options. Anything would be possible. Anything.
This is becoming pretty difficult. I already had three parts of life nagging at me and grabbing the coattails as I tried to move along through the days, but now that feeling from so long ago has returned to sit atop the rest. And I can understand the why, too. Considering what I've gone along dealing with for the last few weeks, I am not surprised such a dream came about again. It is an escape into a place where most of the troubles would go away. I would have no worry over the day to day feelings, desire, worry... None of it. And the vernacular of the future means there would be no running away from difficult situations. As I said, a dream. Last night was another example of ordinary life tripping me up in two ways, damned-near at the exact same fucking time. I could not believe it, but then again nothing should be surprising anymore when it comes to parts of my enjoyment going away. No sooner did a rub take place when my brain traveled away -- just like when work became too much way back during the zeros -- and into my own world where nothing of the like could ever happen. There I went, right out the window. And now here I sit, presumably waiting to do it all again. Talk about control? Over everything. This year is a quarter gone already. I suppose the only thing I can do is continue to move things out the door and sell what I can. The current period does not feel as dire as eleven when I really tossed my possessions out, and that is a good thing. I was not thinking nearly as well as I do these days, thank the maker. More sense means all those items move more slowly, but in the end I have either more money or a better sense of direction. Back during the gigantic purge of eleven, my things were being thrown to the wind too quickly for my head to keep up or react. Afterward? Ugh, did I feel like shit. The same situation is not playing out now. More reserved, I suppose. The difference is I am nearly ten years older and the world appears much worse. Combined with less days ahead, the feelings are those of a person lamenting far too much. I will keep going, and a part of it is moving large items out and small items (few of them, really) in. Today may be toward that end. I have two listings ending and need to get a couple more trinkets up there for auction. And then perhaps the garage again. The weather yesterday ended up much warmer than I had originally thought, and very different than the forecast. For the first time since finishing the wiring last year, I had the ceiling fan turning and cooling the living room while we watched the show. What a difference. The back patio with its shitty, corrugated fiberglass panels was overly hot while stepping either into the house or garage provided much relief. All that work to get the fan properly mounted and wired finally paid off. I am pretty proud of it. If today ends up as warm as yesterday, my work in the garage will have to cease by early afternoon. I can then focus upon the interior and the auctions. Weather would not be at issue in the dream world, ever. Full control of the environment, and while out or in other places, the gradient would end up providing that separation and comfort upon returning. I've lived through such things for years and to this day the return feels good. Just another facet. All the way back to roughly thirty years ago I have been very sensitive to temperature, and considering some of the places I've lived during the intervening years, one would think I enjoy hot weather. Well, I didn't have a lot of choice then. The only time I moved myself to a cooler locale was a decade back when relocating to the coast. In the dream universe? The climate would be just a phrase away. And as I said up the page somewhere, the matter-energy is just too much to consider right now. I can think of all manner of ideas and situations. Don't fucking get me started. Anything, anytime, and for any reason. Bottom line with the matter-energy? Jaime. Moving on... Again I sit here with my head full of possibilities and a cup full of coffee. This same part of the morning with the entire day ahead and wide open for whatever I wish or need to do. And there is the sun on the back fence. Nice. Hopefully the mercury will allow for some work outside today. But my head is only part way into this day. The rest is churning on the ideas in and of the dream. Jaime was a dream, but one I knew would never come to pass in this life. That was a tough conclusion. And then the idea of the understanding came along as described to me in the past, again falling away like everything else which could bring real happiness. Now? The entire Jaime thingy is rolled up in that impossible universe, right alongside whatever kind of understanding I could put to words. All of it. Think of it... One, two, three, and four disappearing at the touch of a panel. See? Reality would be a dream, so dreaming and hoping for the dissemination of issues would no longer be necessary. If this does not make sense, I don't care. I will only say so much in such a direction. If you can't figure out what I am saying, perhaps in the long run you're better off. I am pretty fucked up these days and more out of balance than even a year ago when I gushed over a woman I can never be near again. And then? The machine which cannot happen, either. Way off my rocker now, yet sitting here in the morning and considering all of the unreal aspects I can never experience is still somehow a touch enjoyable. The coffee, too. I cannot get away from it for three reasons, two of them related to issues and the machine. The third is much easier to consider, although it also brings up the static aspects of my life and where I am going. I hesitate to go into detail, though. I don't want to come across as shallow or childish. Let us just say that something mentioned here in the past would be possible only in that world. The other two reasons are already a draw beyond comprehension, and to add that third spoke to the wheel means I would lose my shit. Flip my cork. Snap my cap. You know. Too much. I will focus sometimes upon the more important possibilities rather than what some may consider selfish. Eh... Whatever. No one gives a shit anyway. I suppose I'll just have to do what is expected of me and get through this day like any other. Not much choice any longer. The usual routine along with some additional design for my garage television. Aside from my usual crap, the brain will be tapping on the door of an impossible dream... Again. There is no happy ending here. 274. She is inside."
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