October 13th, 2020 6:35am pdt

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Red Roses for the Devil's Whore

[Paying the Tab]

 read ( words)

"Within the last entry which I published not five minutes ago, I stated that I should not do this anymore. I did not say 'could not' or 'would not', however. So here I am, no better off for the effort, nor can I stop due to this endeavor being all I have anymore. Wonderful. At this late date, I really have to think about what to place here. So much has been covered, explored, treaded. Finding the will to keep going is easy, but the words are not.

Friday. All is not well any longer. The little things are contracting and the larger issues are expanding. On top of everything happening and morphing my brain into a pile of goo, I began to watch the other show again due to an inability to pay full attention (I know it well so it is no longer necessary and merely plays in the background), and after several episodes I realized I am full-tilt in love with Jolene. Everything which forms now will point to her. Machines, dreams, mansions, the obsession... All of it is now focused and she is the center. That is that. I'm fucked. So? Onward.

Yesterday something snapped and I became tired of seeing the rectangle drawn upon the living room wall where the fan switch is to be mounted. I made some plans, noticed the sun was obscured by fog (thick and cool), and then dragged all my shit into the attic and wired the thing. I still need to tie in the power which means killing a circuit and bridging the old wiring for a branch. Well, I went to the hardware store to pick up supplies and now the sun is full. I have to wait, but at least I began the process. Pretty proud of that. Also? I saw the avocado girl this morning in gray pants and noticed she is taller than I had originally thought. I may have seen her on another occasion in jeans, but cannot be certain. The woman is lovely and walks like a goddess floating above the normalcy of all those average-looking souls. Nothing bad took place, I merely saw her and appreciated the fact that my head can process such a sight and not explode all over the place. This is a good thing. Number one is all about Jolene now, too. I suppose she will usurp all of the others very soon. Not even noon yet and I took care of several chores as well as getting some things ready for the next few dinners. I have a guest coming in a few hours so the house should be in nice shape when that time arrives. For now, I must get some shit to the screen while the words are fresh, lest I lose too much to recall. Since today is Friday, the incoming morning movie time and Sunday football are not far off, and that means I must steel myself for the experiences. I need not fall down again like last week. We shall see if the imagery cuts me or does not matter. All of the reasoning I've performed recently tells me that the days will be fine. Believe it or not, I actually feel stronger than weeks ago. Yes, I know... What a fucking surprise. Let us get into the meat of the day's preoccupation now. Not Jolene and her amazing shoulders, something far worse.

'You'll see your problems multiply if you continually decide...
To faithfully pursue the policy of truth.'

I've gone on at length regarding all those years of reckless, uncaring behavior and bad decisions. Everything led to my being where I needed, and a place which no longer exists. One moment I am in my car and heading toward another building which was both uncomfortable and unfamiliar -- work for several days at a different location than I had been based -- and the next I am lying in an apartment in Vegas with Ashley's little, delicious heroin slathered all over my lips. There was no such thing as 'enough' of her. When compared to my being unbelievably uncomfortable working with people I did not like or know very well, Ashley's warmth of heart and body felt like another fucking planet. I skewed everything within a matter of seconds and made a rash decision to run away, feeling the entire time as if I could go anywhere or do anything which separated me from the mundane life I had been living. The clincher was a request that I work elsewhere because they were busy, in our division, and our facilities were slower. My presence there would have helped them, although I already knew at the time that the job would move along just fine without me. The left turn snapped me out of a years-long routine and fried my brain like an egg on a cast iron skillet. Moments later, however, I felt free. I had to go, and the destination was a place I knew would hide me and comfort all those problems in my head. Juliette was half, Ashley was the other half. I already wrote a load of words about that trip, but let me say that I know a large portion of what I feel right now is due to that type of behavior. I cared for nothing. Everyone was shoved aside to make room for me to plow forward and find escape. Several times.

Saturday.

Talking, talking, talking. Yesterday afternoon was comfortable and warm, my brain only recoiled slightly at times, and the afternoon drive was different than usual... I had a guest with me for company. After all these months of driving alone, someone next to me for conversation was nice. That was only the second occasion in which I was not alone. Normally I would have blasted some music of choice -- tracks which will either enhance or destroy any mood -- however yesterday was all conversation. Very interesting, considering my fear did not get in the way of revealing anything. We spoke and I did not fall down. The funny part was cruising by the beach down south where I normally see a mishmash of people from all walks of life, along with the occasional fleeting form. Well, there was what appeared to be a bikini coming from the beach and heading toward the highway, and I could see that the girl was very young, so I did not stare. My partner remarked that she looked like a teen and the bikini was in fact lingerie due to the sheer amount of lace. What? Whatever. I did not see as clearly due to watching the road. I just thought the whole thing was funny. Conversation took up the lion's share of the trip as I tried to calculate the good fortune of having such sensitive ears next to me. Still there are passages inside which are off limits, but at least we were able to speak for a time and on a meaningful level.

This silly film is about a guy who interacts with an overzealous and controlling AI built into his phone. Half funny -- her responses and demanding nature make me laugh -- half cringe-worthy due to the crude language at times, but I had to give it a chance because of the premise. The film could be much better if some ideas beyond the stereotypical laugh gags had been employed. The premise is a good one, but has been destroyed by allowing the content to descend into that familiar pit of juvenile humor. Too bad. The lead's facial expressions are hilarious. And this film is but a year old. Hmm... In the right hands, this could be amazing. There is a lesson in the dialog, too. I can sit here and deal with it while alone, but while in the company of others I worry about what is going on in their heads during such exchanges. So... Why does that fucking matter? Should I be worried about what other people think of a silly film from a year ago? One would believe that what they may think of me is more important, right? Well, I guess the worry expands inside me, as if the justification of such humor is worse than me appearing weak or otherwise unable to deal with certain social situations. Why does their thinking make any difference to me? Is it actually the mass opinion of things? Perhaps. I don't know, honestly. One certainty is the idea that society moves along waves of whatever is exalted to high popularity, saturates itself with the media, and then catches another wave of whatever the flavor of the moment may be. At the time, everything becomes overwhelming to people and they run with it. The idea is worn to shreds and then fades in favor of whatever is new and shining. I cannot push against such things, so I just sit and analyze as best I can and try to maintain separation. When it comes to a film, the truth is it already has been shot, processed and released to theatres before my eyes catch any of it. Society's acceptance and forceful triviality and minimization of a dysphemism-laced medium may be the issue. I see them, hear them, and have already formed my own conclusion, and when I learn that I am in the extreme minority, the feeling is one of aloneness, and often begins to force me to look at myself as the person in the wrong. There is none of that related to 'opinion', though. Feeling as if I am wrong has stemmed from years of too many other people simply accepting the same shit over and over, like a herd. If I begin to sense there is something wrong with me? Not good. So, the fear begins. I feel like a monochrome recycle logo in which those three colors have been replaced with grays that I cannot avoid... One feeling or experience leads to fear, the second situation arises after already affecting me and cements the worry over whether or not I am wrong, and then number three comes along after I am already exhausted from trying to understand everything and sends me back to the beginning in worse shape than the first. Round and round. Nice, huh?

Back to the title. My worry over shit flying across the screen or words being spoken by those with which I am unfamiliar has to be pushed back.



209



Years have caught up with me which means instead of paying for the enjoyment before venturing into the park, I have bought those periods of happiness on credit and now must pony up the funds. I have to pay the fucking tab, and the cost is astronomical.

Why do I worry so much? I am but one floating leaf in an immeasurable sea. Many events and situations have shaped the manner in which I now think, much like others I am sure. And I can only see things through my own eyes and from one perspective most of the time. When I try to identify with the manner of others, I usually fail to see from where most of the shit grows. Throughout the years I have not only become more rigid in my position, but may have slid backward some. I cannot be sure due to the passage of time and everything changing so much, yet I feel it. I seem to be pushing in the only way I know how, and that is to maintain distance from all which brings me inner turmoil. I'm not referring to the obsession, though. I am only talking about everyday behavior. These last months I have found it difficult to be alone at times and blissful during others. I believe being away from the typical bar crowd has done me good, yet at the same time I am no longer near the desensitized mindset and have become softer. I used to be able to sit there and enjoy an afternoon of whatever banter came along while simultaneously analyzing others and considering how differently I have reacted to the world in these late days. Now? I have been there for a total of two hours in six months and that time was less than comfortable, to say the least. There were fewer individuals there due to the updated seating arrangement, but still I felt a tinge of not fitting in any longer. I really did. And I helped to build that beautiful place from the near-beginning many years ago. For me to feel uncomfortable in there is quite a stretch, honestly. But I didn't remain on guard due to the atmosphere, only being near people. I can't really identify with them anymore. At least, not in the way I did years ago, and the difference is definitely me. The facade I produced in order to enable sitting and talking with people was necessary for keeping myself hidden from view and fit the profile of who everyone knew me to be, but now I am tired of it and just plain tired overall. Discussions which made me slightly uncomfortable months ago are now crippling and I have to stay away. Everything feels exaggerated somehow. And the point of all this crap is the fact that despite my not showing myself or taking issue with all which made me cringe, I still enjoyed the company much of the time. Now that I can no longer relax as I did is one more part of the huge tab which I owe. Due to my own actions and feelings toward myself, I've ruined one of the few parts of life that used to be enjoyable. Exactly as it should be. The tab.

Remember when I said 'God damn that long, black hair anyway'? Well, Thai women all over the fucking screen this morning in a film I have not seen before. Oy, maybe I need to change the channel. Although, this is better than all of the toilet language in the previous film. Whatever. I still have a thing for the look of many Asian women, good or bad as it may be. Just exotic, I suppose. And that brings up one of the biggest fears I have ever felt. Unfortunately, I cannot go into it even one bit. Too personal. It hurts and scares the hell out of me every fucking time. This will never go away, either. I know it. Yep, I have to change the channel because the lovely Thai women just pressed me to think of bad things. Thanks, ladies.

Ugh. Not their fault.

I have been up two hours already and the time is just six. Damn it, this means I'll be overly tired very early in the day. Not good. I was tossing, so coffee and computer immediately. Part of not sleeping well or less than usual is the worry in my head over too many aspects of life for me to keep track. I can't organize anything these days. Even though I got off my ass the other day and ventured into the attic for some wiring and reconnaissance, I still feel there is too much. Projects have sat for a long time, and though none of them are terribly pressing, the idea that I began many things and then halted them at a time when I had lots of days to myself points to my mental and emotional conditions being frightfully far out of whack. Ah, there is one of them again. Long, black hair. What the fuck is that, anyway? Ugh. Considering all that I have allowed to go by the wayside this year, I feel like a failure. My time is not over, though, which means I can still rise and head in whatever direction I need at any time, but the motivation becomes completely stifled all too often. I freeze inside and cannot calculate my way out of a wet paper bag sometimes. After days of accomplishing little, I believe the worry catches up with me and screws up the sleep time. I'm not sure, but that sounds feasible. If it's something else, I have no idea. Today is like all those other days in that I need to force myself into directions which have been entirely avoided for too long. I feel it now, but I also know by mid-morning I might drop off like usual. I am tired and spending much more time just sitting still, and that adds up to a loss of energy. Sometimes I'll jump up and do something physical just to get myself moving on the inside, while other times I seem unable to begin. I suppose today will be the same test I have been taking for months. And I should not have mentioned the Thai women and relating fear in the previous paragraph. It is really swirling now. But I will not remove the words. What is spoken will remain as such. Nothing can be served if I am not honest with myself, at least most of the time.

I liked Cage better as an arms dealer. This movie is rather flat. Black hair, though. Damn it anyway.

I cannot blame another human being for where I am right now. I did everything alone and put myself in such a position so as to have no future beyond what exists at this very moment... Some television, coffee, and sitting idly by as the world moves along without me. I did it all to myself. I have to say that I feel pretty fucking bad right now. I know I am a good person and would not make some of the same decisions now or in the future, but still, I did it too many times to let go. Those years shaped me. As bad as I see all the wasted time and effort, I still feel good about myself yet cannot explain why. Maybe that is not needed anyway. I don't know. The idea is that I am very far down in a hole and there are not enough years left ahead to fully recover. Fuck it, I don't know much these days. Many times I have stated that I need to drastically change either myself or the situation, and as of yet I have not done much of anything beyond moving shit around the house and garage. Yes, I did set up the new office and built some things for display out there, but the importance of such projects is for naught. The necessities have been glossed and ignored for the most part. I cannot seem to get anywhere. No sooner do I feel empowered and able to rise above the sofa and computer when something comes along (like the black hair or similar) which drives a nail into my brain and I stop on a fucking dime. I can't do anything. And another gem of a situation for which I must pay is right there staring back at me and out of reach. I did it... I incurred the cost with nary a thought to the future. All me.

The world is off the hook.

A little light outside now. Just a hint. The raccoons should be out of the yard within the hour. Heh. I fully intend to sit here a while longer and work on this crap. I am still compelled after all these many entries since March. All the way back to Jaime. And speaking of her, the images are still tucked away and I have not gazed at her for quite some time now. I thought of her again due to being brought up in conversation yesterday. She represents an impossible dream and one I will likely never fully push away. Some aspect of her has to stay inside me for perspective. She is a point of reference now, and hopefully I can remain lucid enough to avoid comparing the idea of her to all of those flesh and blood women out there in the world. As unfair as such an idea may be, I have thought in those terms more than once. Can't help it. What I need is changing, and due to the softening of my previously stringent requirements for a person to be what I desire, the truth is if I push too hard I will end up alone of my own doing. Not good. We discussed the dream and idea of a machine for a little bit and I admitted that the prime motivation is fear. No shit. What else could it be? The control? I was told clearly that there was a hand in mine, attached to reality. The coldness of technology could not compare in the most important ways, however I have been willing to trade a return of feelings for that which makes me comfortable and free of worry. [You may already know this, but said worry relates severely to what I mentioned above as it was brought on by the fucking Thai women. I have to avoid the subject so live with it.] The machine conversation surprised me, really, in that we had discussed her prior to yesterday but there had been no real conclusion. Not even close, to be honest, as the idea never leaves my head these days. One more time, and say it with me: 'All of this is because of me'. That's right... Pay the fucking tab. Break out the cash and cover it.



211



'Write it out', as my grandfather might have said. And then Tony Soprano: 'Who am I? Where am I going?' Ugh.

I have to make this day into something rewarding. Cocktail hour arrives in the evening and I simply must feel that it is deserved. All the physical comfort in the world is meaningless without effort. Work. Something more than what I have been doing. Movie time will arrive soon and nothing really needs to be done before it, but afterward is another story. Saturday usually means I do the usual routine and then a little more. I don't know, though. Organize more stuff? Clean? Why is this so difficult sometimes? Is it being home for so long without going out to work? Maybe I should have kept the job, although the physical nature of some of the tasks was leaving me drained. The upside was I felt stronger than I do now. Even some of the toughest jobs which took a toll on me and left my body feeling overtired still brought me up. I was very proud of the work and others appreciated everything we did. Now my career is caring for the house and its daily operation and maintenance. Work. I do it and enjoy most of the time because I am in complete control of my environment. There are still those days in which cocktail hour comes along and I can relax and enjoy because I took pride in the preceding hours' efforts. I have to get back to that somehow and go a little further. Perhaps I can talk myself into it. Like the other day when I became fed up with seeing the rectangle on the wall and did something about it. I can go further with that and get it finished. I know I can. Maybe after the movie and before football tomorrow I can advance the project and actually turn on the fucking fan after all this time. Maybe. Right now I have no idea what is going to hit me in the head, be it imagery on the television, feelings of inadequacy, or the simplicity of being overwhelmed and becoming glued to the sofa. More of this... Complaining, uncertainty in too many parts of life, and the show in the background which will undoubtedly lead to gushing over Jolene and dreams of her amazing appearance. I just don't fucking know anymore. She is another matter entirely, but do I know everything relates to everything else. She is so beautiful that I cannot begin to understand why. Look at Madalina here on this entry. Do you see? Why is she important enough to include here? And do the images have a bad effect upon my psyche? I could be damaging myself by looking and longing. If I am to focus upon tasks, the forms have to stay at arm's length or I will feel too much desire for anything else to take priority. Between her nearly six-foot stance and my head blowing up over the Thai hair and subsequent disastrous fear of the exotic, I honestly have no fucking idea if any effort in improving myself can bear fruit these days. I'm doing it to myself... Again... The fucking cost is high. I am paying the fucking tab right now.

Sunday. Football and snacks. Yesterday turned out to be movies most of the day. In the beginning I was a little concerned, but it melted away as other aspects of life took over the lion's share of thinking. Nothing at all related to the movies or atmosphere. The afternoon went along smoothly. I touched upon some of my preoccupation recently and received nothing aside from understanding. That was very comforting. Considering how often some subjects and problems are pushing against my need to relax and enjoy something, I am relieved to know I can at least bring it up without ridicule. I will again when the timing works. For the moment, I need to focus and keep my head out of the imagery. Early morning is sometimes tough and today is no different. I may touch upon this later if the space becomes available for conversation. None of the subjects about which I need to speak are easy or light, though, so the overall mood must be correct before I go into anything. Touchy, worrisome, personal. All of it.

While the show was on yesterday I kept picturing the Raven on our lunch date via the train. Even though She already knew of my desire (dire request, really) to understand the ratios and dimensions of Her appearance, that afternoon was a turning point for both my head exploding over seeing Her stand as I requested, and the idea that She had become completely disillusioned with being referred to as 'perfect' by family and friends. I told Her of the flaws inherent in everyone and She gushed to me. Gushed. And then we boarded the train and rolled south, hand in loving hand. I remember the expression on Her face when I asked Her to stand in a particular way... A slight smile and intrigued look. I loved it. Upon reaching the deserted platform to await the coaches, She whispered that I could ask anything of Her. Oy. I've gone over this before and only bring it up now because I felt that She was as fascinated by my interest as I was with her beauty. All of that flooded back into my head yesterday due to the episode in which Jolene strolls along the camera's path wrapped in a white spandex (I think) catsuit. I still don't understand how she appears in such a way but will keep trying. Her inner thighs are not fully on display much of the time, but every now and then I get a glimpse of everything lined up in such a way so as to properly define what she carries (and probably has no fucking idea, either). The Raven had legs I cannot forget, yet Her best feature on the outside were the eyes. Jolene is similar, although she seldom wears a warm expression on her beautiful face because of the character. She must remain distanced, calculating, cold, and very much focused upon business rather than any trivialities. As such, I do not get to see much aside from form. And keep in mind I know absolutely nothing of her, only the character, and the focus of my distorted sense of reality is the same. It is her character which takes my breath away just as the Raven did all those years ago and before I really paid attention to many others. Jolene is not just an actor and person, she is now a symbol for all that I have experienced in search of that warmth which has proven elusive and quite expensive. And speaking of expense, my yearning to climb inside the television and cry into her character's neck is yet another invoice on my life. She is too unique to avoid and now I must pay.

I mentioned Sunday. Unlike the first four weeks of pro football, this day will be more relaxing. I have been thinking over and over about the fears and worry each time the seventh day of the week rolls around and the shit which develops inside me. A conclusion is unlikely, but I have taken steps toward coming to terms with whatever may arise during the course of the typical football and/or movie afternoon. One is the idea that I truly have no control over anything aside from the button which powers off the imagery, or the other one that can send the channel flying away in favor of something completely safe and comfortable. That control goes without saying and will not be exercised because I can be a reasonable person much of the time. Other than the buttons or my mouth becoming unpleasant (equally unlikely as I want everyone to enjoy), anything else taking place is beyond my ability to change. So, since such is true and I am not the person to accept much, I will proceed to hold a conversation with myself and work my way through anything which may arise. Keep in mind that damned near any difficulty is generally created in my head from the simplest, fleeting remarks which should mean absolutely nothing, so pushing my trouble aside means working within. The little conversation in me can help. A bit of pushing and then I can move along with the day. After the last two football days, I am more comfortable for two reasons: One, the more these days come and go, the more I feel that the fears are unfounded, and two, there are other things inside me which are becoming more of a preoccupation that I could have imagined at the outset of the season. And one little smidgen of a thought on the television and others' thinking? Since I have no control over what can develop, I am going to choose to ignore as best I can. The idea of something tiny blowing up inside me is as familiar as the back of my own hand. So, I believe I can work with everything today better than I have throughout the past month.

Some women are scary and intimidating. I don't know why. Yesterday I was trying to describe why I never had any interest in Nicole and nearly faltered. After wrestling with what I felt might be the proper terms in describing my feelings when I see her on the screen, I decided that she is intimidating but I do not know why. Like Rosario, I believe, yet different somehow. I cannot put my finger on it. I recall when I was young and gravitated toward girls who were even younger than me and kind of clingy because there was a feeling of security in thinking that they needed someone to care for them. Need, meaning security in a relationship, as skewed as that may sound. A strong, independent woman was threatening due to the fear that she could just up and leave without worry. The younger, clingy girls did not create such worry. Well, all this time later and I feel differently, to be sure. Strong and independent does not necessarily mean she will just walk the hell out one day without notice. If that is the case, I made the mistake in the first place of connecting with someone who did not match me. This is not making any sense. Intimidating, like Nicole or Rosario... There are others but they honestly do not matter in the least because they're all famous and I will never be near any of them, nor do I wish to be. I do not know very many people out there in the world, so the television holds most of the examples. Funny, there is a woman on the screen right now that is scary as hell. I don't know who she is, though. Anyway, the security of which I speak and sought all those years back is likely one reason why I still do not feel comfortable around others very often. Anyone, really. The idea of being comfortable has to be offset, however. See? There is no 'dark' if there is no 'light'. The difference is what causes us to take notice. If I am out in the world full of worry and stress and feeling wide open, the natural diametric opposite is hidden away in the arms of a loving woman. That's probably the best way I can put it, except to add that I feel like I am out in the wind too often these days. Insecure inside and out... Hence the clingy.

Another line item on the tab. I threw everything away -- past and future -- for security. Pay up.



219



Oh I've already been paying for that crap. Every fucking day I draw breath.

I used to believe that paying the tab of my life meant cutting off the remaining years. I was down... So far down that I did not see my value as a person, meaning that if I robbed myself of more living, the cost of my mistakes would be squared with the world. Well, not anymore. As bad as I can feel at times, the truth is now I see everything differently. I believe that paying means moving forward and making up for all that I have caused. Learning, caring for others, trying to make myself better, and instead of losing myself in the difficult times and focusing upon what I have done, looking ahead to what I CAN do. I realize this may sound like a massive shift in thinking, but honestly I have not lost hope, nor have I completely given up. Oh, I was close on more than one occasion -- most notably eleven when the idea of leaving the world was strongest -- however I cannot do anything like that for fear of the cost never having been equaled. That would be nothing more than another situation dumped upon those left behind, and one which has no real resolution. That type of thinking is gone for good. So, I have to face things head-on rather than hiding away. Yep, thinking positive about myself accomplished more than I had ever thought possible. Had I ended it all years ago, both me and others would have been at a loss which is everlasting. Nope.

I didn't say it would be easy, though.

I have to pay all of the line items and move along past everything, hopefully emerging a better person. That means many changes over a long period of time, beginning this morning. Pause.

Despite this being Sunday and my need to get things in order before football time, I have done only a little. She is still sleeping which means I must keep the house quiet for the most part. The first game is minutes away but our game is in three hours, and that points to plenty of time to have everything completed before kickoff. This is good. I don't really have that much to do, but I would like to be able to relax and watch rather than run around like I've done in the past. I'm not worried, though. I'll get there this morning. I keep thinking that perhaps the imagery has been more difficult due to a lack of cheerleaders. Heh. Just kidding.

Today is to be a turning point of sorts. I fully intend to show the others that I am not to be taken lightly should the need arise, nor am I to be passed off while speaking. If I see evidence that my words are not taken fully, the response will be silence, and I already know from experience that such behavior sends a clear message which results in everyone else feeling uncomfortable around me. That is a good thing. The worst feeling I've experienced in the past is that of not being taken seriously, so I may have to drive the point home quietly today. I will feel out the situation and calculate what may be appropriate. I do not wish to upset them, but I must make myself clear sometimes. The day ahead is already looking hopeful and enjoyable, and keeping it as such means I will be on my best behavior and avoid pushing in any way. After realizing that many of the days which went south in the past were due to me overreacting, I can keep everything in perspective and ensure fun for all. The sun is shining, I will have food and all other associated football festivities in good order and in time, and then look toward the games with my head up, just as I rose from bed four hours ago. I fully intend to be balanced, fair, and sensitive to the needs of others, too. If anything takes place to put a damper on the mood, it will not be my doing. Today is going to be good for everyone, all threats aside. Enough of that.

Oy. I don't believe Vegas is going to win this game, and that after only a few minutes of play. Damn.

Another line item on the tab is a massive lie of omission from thirty-four years ago, damned near to the day. I have held that up throughout all these fucking years with nary a thought toward revealing something which has held me down mentally. I never believed that such an omission (which has led to many, many conversations which had me playing dodgeball with words) could weigh me down after decades. Now it is bigger and I may have to spill it soon. I am not very well-versed in psychology, however I cannot deny that letting it fly may help me to feel better about that defining period. The eighties already carry three situations which have pushed me in horrible directions for a long time. Adding another means I am nearly overloaded, and this is a big one. Middle school in Colorado was the first, the words which led to confusion about my ability to function within society and constant questioning of myself are the second, and the late part of the decade demonstrated to me that I must be mindful of desire. Those three are plenty, the third still nagging me to this very second. The fact that I have hidden this from everyone for so fucking long means it has grown in importance far beyond how I felt even ten years back. Just yesterday within a conversation I gleaned the fact that there is something missing in how people view me and it came about due to speaking of that part of history. Once touched upon, I cannot simply file it away deep inside where it has been all this time. The gleaning means it is paramount now. I cannot get it out of my head, and the only saving throw versus a breakdown at this point is the fact that it was so long ago that the likelihood of anyone giving half a shit is for naught. Honestly, I do not believe anyone will think any differently about my life due to this. The weight has only expanded in my own head. And to be truthful, I am still surprised at having mentioned something about it yesterday. What the fuck was I thinking? Or perhaps my subconscious decided the timing is right for the light to shine on those years. I don't know, but whatever it may be, I am beginning to feel overly compelled to spill it. Unbelievable. Of all the secrets locked inside, this is one of the few I thought would not come up again. I am a champion at keeping secrets, for sure. Circumstances are going to have to be pretty fucking well-aligned for the words to come forth. As I said, to another person the whole shitaree may be meaningless. Right now I just don't know, so stewing a while longer is necessary. Years of lying are not easy to rationalize.

Years of lying. Yes, you read that correctly.

This issue is something which I feel speaks directly to my character and value as a person. It also can remove much of my credibility if shared with the right type of individual. On top of all that crap, I still don't know how I feel about that period of time and how it may have helped to shape me on the heels of two other very damaging events during my formative years. I cannot help but extend that by saying I may actually feel better afterward. Maybe. As I said, I cannot speak to the psychology of the whole thing. I do know myself better than anyone, though, and that means reasoning every detail until finding a conclusion which can help me to rise above it. The sheer amount of time passing helps, too. 'Time heals all wounds' applies to many parts of life and I will not sit here and spout the opposite. I honestly believe it. If what I did back then is truly a line item on the tab (before tax, of course... Heh), revealing it, discussing the period of time in which it took place, and coming to terms with the aid of another person may pay it in full. That would be ideal, although I am certain readers already know I am less than an optimist. The possibility cannot be denied, no matter my words. We shall see where my head leads, and that is the end of this line for the time being.

Monday morning. Jessica up there so early and she doesn't matter anymore. Yesterday was planned, set up, and executed, and turned into a complete pile of shit by the late afternoon. I am exhausted from the effort even eight hours after I slept pretty well. Unbelievable. I did my very best to make nice, laugh and play things off so as to avoid coming across as too sensitive, and provided food, drinks, and entertainment within the atmosphere. Well, nope. I will not do that again... Not in this fucking life. Disaster. No matter how much I worked at ensuring comfort and enjoyment for all, everything went to hell in a fucking handbasket and I am now so irritated by being around others that I can barely put the words together. What a fucking joke. By the time I laid myself down to rest, my head was so worn out from holding the others up that I thought I would lose my fucking mind. The only person unable to find help trying to have fun was me. No one seemed to notice all that I cared for throughout yesterday. As I sit here right now I will not do it again. I am on my own for the duration, and this shit is going to stay in my brain for good. I will not go on further about this because it only makes me more angry to realize that I am fucking secondary to the needs of others. Well, fuck you.

This morning could not have arrived at a better point in time. I need the peace and quiet.



222

How is that even possible?



Yesterday I was motivated by someone else to get the metal recycling out to the curb. I had been feeling lazy and did not wish to move things around after eating and drinking for hours. Well, she pushed a tad and then I felt like I could do it. A bit of help later and everything is out there to be picked up. That stuff represents a portion of the junk from the backyard as well as the old grill. If they take everything, I may have reason to smile today. The crap left out in the back is smaller and can be picked up by a contractor later this week. Progress. And that is most of what I have going on right now. Yesterday morning I felt more empowered than in days, took care of most business before the games, and then finished everything shortly after our game (which turned out to be so bad that I put a movie on instead). This morning I feel somewhat accomplished but my thinking is in a very different direction. Don't get me wrong, I am glad the stuff yesterday took place because now I see how the others feel toward me. They can count on my support. This is very good because when I shove some information down their sorry throats, the reaction may be fun to see. I've had it now. Had. It. So, the little things I can get finished or advanced from where they have been resting means direction away from wishing to tell people how I feel. That would not be good right now. I must cool off several degrees before addressing anyone or the resulting fallout will be very bad. The focus of working on the house and related activities is a much needed distraction today. I am looking forward to being alone, having the entire property under my full control, and moving along at that specific pace which brings me satisfaction enough for feeling good by evening.

I went outside to check on my stuff for recycling and all is in order. It should be gone within hours. Excellent. Another few tons of shit out the fucking door and I might be happy.

I've decided that yesterday became dramatic and toilsome enough to drive me away from other people. No longer will I reveal parts of the past -- other than here -- and the one big fucking deal that has been left out of everything for more than three decades is now buried once again. No one deserves to hear the inner parts of me. I've had it with sharing. I feel disregarded, unappreciated, and otherwise shoved aside after years of being the glue holding people together. Well, they had better step forward and take care of themselves because I'm sick of feeling like I don't fucking matter. The most dangerous way others can treat me is to lead feelings of being unimportant. Congratulations... You've succeeded. Here I now sit with one foot in the forest. Yep, that place again. Suck it up, people. To state that I am not happy is a gross understatement.

Today will be the usual routine once I am alone in a few hours. No driving, though. I have all the time to myself to continue getting things in order and process where I stand right now after being spoken to like shit. I am going to have to spend much time considering the ramifications of my actions from this point forward, and weigh each word which may emanate from my mouth before doing anything viewable by other people. I have to stay inside myself and show nothing. Hidden and secure, just as years ago. If anyone wonders what is going on, there will be no information forthcoming. I am shut the fuck down. There had better be some consideration in there, too, lest I blow up. Until I hear something in the positive or see demonstrations which are the opposite of the crap dumped at my feet for years, I will be nothing more than a machine carrying out activities and tasks as if programmed to do so. Even this entry has changed for the worse. I had a theme and planned to carry it and explore all the way to the bottom, however others have affected me badly and are going to be left wondering where the content would have gone had they not interfered with my potential happiness. And I don't give a shit. Cold and standoffish now. Nice job.

The response from my latest inquiry and forwarding of my resume took nine days. Now? Twelve more have passed and I have no faith in being contacted. I suppose I can go back to the big sites and polish my profile and then look around. Nothing is coming along, but I am still hopeful that there is a position for me out in the world.

I believe the next few days should find me focusing upon my space and things. I took a big step moving the table out to the new office, and since then the drums have been set up, connected and tested. I can't play worth a shit anymore, but at least they are there if the mood strikes. The change is kind of nice, and feels like a door opened to allow going further in reconfiguring the areas of the house which could benefit from attention. The attic is once again going to need to wait a while as the weather continues to warm. Yesterday was the first of full sun all day long, too. At least I have everything ready along with a plan for connection of power up there. I always have the option to go under the house and work toward delivering two new circuits to the garage. The power situation is stable, but I need to separate the manner in which the outlets are connected. Too much is shared on the same breaker. I plan to run some wire from the load center to garage which will allow the additional lines. Also, the attic still has two other stagnant projects, one being the filter box and the other a ventilator for the house. I've mentioned them before but have not moved forward. Considering all of the shit I must deal with as related to other people, I am not surprised these things have sat. When the fog returns, I can ignore people and work with material instead. The advantage is inanimate objects do not ask anything of me or get in my ear at all.

Hmm... Sounds like something else, huh? A machine, perhaps? Chew on that. Nothing aside from instructions. Nothing. Quiet. Controlled. Bliss. Fuck human beings, anyway. Maybe I should have hung on to Michelle. I may never be closer than her.

I have thus far been completely unsuccessful at moving the hosting to one of the other domains. Every time I try to make the transfer, something goes wrong on their end and I receive an error... I generic error. I have been attempting to move everything for more than a month, but nothing. Perhaps I can use their help chat to make the change. The last time I had an issue, I used that avenue and the assistance was excellent. The problem was buttoned up quickly. Hmm. Maybe I just talked myself into it. This is important because I do not know who is reading, or from where. The analytics do help, but as far as that can go, I only see so much. If I move to another domain and lock it up, there will be complete control as I will be required to approved anyone wishing to pass the landing page. Considering the way I feel this morning, said control could improve my mood greatly. In fact, the feeling of being spread too thin is getting to me right now. In fact, I think I'll head over to the transfer software and restrict everything immediately.

Done. That's better. No one is allowed to read what I write without express permission, and with the status of my head today, none is available as of yet. The only thing in the world over which I hold control.

Throughout the past several years -- since the isolation of eleven, I believe -- the forest has not been fully embraced as it was during the 1236 period. I was pretty fucking tired of society back then, although circumstances were very different. Oh, I've threatened to head to that place many times, but soon after stating that I was on my way out I typically found reason to soften and be a nice person again. Now I don't see it. Only subtle changes were made and did not last very long, whereas now I need to demonstrate the level of dissatisfaction with everything more clearly. I cannot just shut down, though. Everything related to day-to-day life must be maintained for the time being as I seek employment again. The wool is thick, too, meaning if I do fully move myself into the forest, others will not see it right away. Things will change slowly, in the background of life, until such time as I can actually flip the proverbial switch. Right now I do not have such an option, however. I have to move slowly and carefully in order to display the normalcy of life and keep everyone at a distance with regard to what I have in mind, and presently I don't know which way to turn for beginning such a change. I'll have to weight options and do only the little things no one sees. That may take time, as well. Some of it will be touched upon here, yet reading about it will inform nothing at all. I am going to be so fucking cryptic that upon reaching the end of a paragraph, readers will be even more in the dark than at the beginning. I love it. This is my place, and the intention is to drive the point home like never before. No clarity, nothing specific... Only puzzle after misleading puzzle until everyone gives up on the idea of understanding what is taking place in my brain.

Funny, I am writing all of this as the site is crippled. Well, this will make its way to production soon enough. That is when the fun begins. The title up there is gone for good.

Twenty-four thousand lines since Jaime, and look where this is heading. She is all but gone now.



227



One possibility of demonstrating my current level of frustration with the world is to publish an entry to the main index and then instead of moving it to the archive (which is gone now), it will be removed when something new appears. I'm not sure yet.

The morning has been very peaceful aside from the garbage trucks, bless their work. I still have not seen the metal recycling people yet, but the hour is early. I have a few things in mind to work on in a little while, too. Mostly the garage. I must keep up with efforts out there as more comes through the door. So far, I have kept everything in order and maintained the operation of what we need out there. The laundry area, pantry, fridge and freezer must stay clear of clutter. I am pretty much in charge of all of it, too. I'll move some more stuff around in a bit to keep my peace of mind. That is my space (like this) and I spend time out there to be closer to the forest. The hills and trees off in the distance help to motivate this transition. Beautiful scenery reminds me of driving up the mountain years ago with related music blaring in the background. My nephew and I had the same vision of being up there, and the weekends spent together had us loving the outdoors and cool weather. Off my right shoulder I can see the hills above the houses and the sight is inspiring. My trucks are gone, the camping gear and emergency supplies are minimal anymore, but still I can see the way the visions were years ago. The 1236 period was part of the beginning, and then after moving further east I had the space to fully explore the possibility of being ready for anything. Those thoughts of the peaceful morning and time with my nephew are assisting me in heading in such a direction right now. I will be out there very soon.

Ah... The metal guys just took everything. Right on. One little positive in a day full of crap.

I have to be careful now in making changes so as to avoid revealing any sort of plan. No one will have a clue, really, but still, I must keep them content anyway. Shrouded. Concealed. Silent. Very good, those ideas. The metal recycling was but a small beginning to the larger picture. Now I need to get hold of the guy who can come take all the scrap wood and chairs. Sending the metal to the recyclers means less money for him to haul the rest away. I called him a couple of years ago after dismantling the bathroom, and at that time I did my best to scour the house and garage to rid myself of as much as possible given the opportunity to lighten the load. Now we have more here, but everything I am maintaining is useful and only being stored. I don't know for how long, but I must ensure if anything goes back to family that it is all in good order. Storing items for others is not a hindrance, only a challenge. I do enjoy organizing with the show in the background. All the way back to the Midwest I have had my extended family on the television through many periods of the same. The familiarity and comfort of the shows keep me sane while the world continues to press upon my tired head. I need them there, always. With the advancement of technology since the period in Michigan, I can see them whenever and wherever I feel it necessary. This is very good, and one of the little things which keeps me moving forward these days. I don't remember if I mentioned this, but part of the new office is my other laptop sitting on the audio stack. While out there for extended periods, I can watch and listen to almost anything. Just another little boost of comfort in an otherwise fucked situation. In addition, if I continue to go about my days with the shows playing, people will believe I am doing just fine. In reality, the gears are meshing. Wait for it.

Today is already interesting, in that I am feeling positive about the changes. The extent is still a mystery, though. I don't know yet just how far I need to push. At least right now I can focus. The anger is not holding me back or down. Ah... There is William Lucking again. Great actor. Anyway, the remainder of today will be the aforementioned baby steps. I need to go through the daily routine, too. I do enjoy both the work and the feeling of accomplishment afterward. Everything must wait until I am alone, however, as I can't really think clearly while there is another voice here. I will do those chores, take my little breaks here and there, and eventually arrive at the point in which I feel there is enough complete for my enjoyment of the evening. Seeing the hills out there fairly clearly is inspiring, as well. Weeks of smoke took the view away, but I have to say my seeing the hills pales in comparison to the fires and those involved. It still makes me sad. So many with trouble and all those wonderful souls helping. Seeing the clarity in the air makes me feel as if there is improvement, so hopefully I am correct. Interesting, as I said, in more ways than one, this day. The beginning of something over which I have agonized for years. I suppose the shit yesterday pushed me past a line I did not see before everything went to hell. Now that said line has been illuminated, the others are going to see a different me. The me which will tolerate little and expect much.

Well, a little trip across town to the smoke shop has revealed that I am fine out in the world and the forest is incoming, as the blasting music can attest. I am not suggesting there will be major differences in the short term, only that the process has begun. I so need it right now, if for no other reason than to push away the mass of fucking sheep which is doubtless out there right now ruining society ever more.

Many moons ago I felt that other people made little effort in listening to what I had to say, be it a story or some sort of information. That took place after years of those very same minds telling me and going on at length regarding how intelligent, well-spoken, and knowledgeable I was. Hmm. If I am so fucking smart, why does no one listen? Am I too harsh or long-winded? Or perhaps uninteresting? I have no idea of the problem, but to hear positive things about myself followed by being disregarded and interrupted over and over can lead to only one of two conclusions: Either they were being polite (not working), or I was hearing lies. If the latter is true, I will no longer answer questions and only spout a line which will repeat for my remaining days alive. 'I do not know'. That seems a good path for those people who believe me to be unworthy of their attention. I give them mine, though. Is that fair? Am I wrong? Well, don't answer that last one because I don't give a shit. If proven wrong, I will promptly apologize and change. If I am correct, no one will ever hear the end of it and eventually cease addressing me about anything. Either is fine, honestly, as my regard for others has been diminishing more quickly than my patience.

Ah, I just went back to the early nineties. Upon returning, I see parallels. Not good. That period of time was rife with the same behavior from those who claimed to love and care for me. Well, they are all gone -- literally -- and I no longer need to see their lying faces. Now? I am still around those whom I must be attached in some ways, so the resulting behavior must be carefully calculated. I am somewhat wiser than I was thirty years ago, too, meaning I can consider and analyze the differing facets of daily life with them in better, clearer terms. I am very patient and can compute for a very long time without anyone realizing anything is happening. Darkness, for sure. Closed off is where I prefer to remain, but on the outside? Nothing. Business as usual. Even blurting all this crap here won't make any difference. No one has a clue as to what I am going to do. Perfect. Oh there will be questions and confusion, for sure, and I don't care. Maybe I'll get my wish and no one will pay attention to me anymore. Funny, back years ago when I felt similar, I wanted to be around them. These days? Fuck off, and do it without involving me.

Switchtrack.

The reference-structured woman of the fucking universe is on the screen. Madalina is all down this entry, but she cannot hold a candle to what I am seeing right now, and I am not referring to desire, sexiness, or the like. Only form. To call her shape amazing is nowhere near enough. Even after all this time and tons of words toward expressing what I have seen, the words can't do the job. Not even close. She is unreal in every way, and too look upon her neck, shoulders, arms and hands feels like a privilege I have never known. And yes, before you ask, she is very tall. That is the reason for so much exaggeration of features. Every single woman I have commented upon in five years takes a far-back seat to her. Goddess, gazelle, whatever, nothing is enough. Nothing. Not one fucking paragraph can begin to transmit the sight of her standing there all disheveled and filthy. Get it? She is above all other things in this world. Period. I do not write about her much because there is damned near no point, and such a fact hurts me deeply. I can do absolutely nothing about the sight of her and am slowly dying inside because of it.



228



I have seen this episode a few times but it always seems to come around when I least expect to be slammed upside the head by such incredible beauty. I've read reviews of this mediocre entry in the canon of the show and all of the conclusions are similar... Crap, boring, tired, predictable. And I feel the same, although watching Trip interact with the woman in question is kind of funny at times. I think he is my favorite character these days aside from my ongoing worship of Jolene and her intense pull upon my heart. The guest star is not that accomplished an actor, however I don't give a shit. I could watch this over and over for the opportunity to see her movements. Every fucking detail of that woman is unbelievable. Here I am in one of the worst moods on record yet I can still gush endlessly about an example of feminine beauty. Something is wrong with me. Whatever. I can't help it. She is amazing, to put it mildly.

My daily business is complete and the house is mine for a few hours. This is very good as I have no wish whatsoever to be near another human being. I need quiet. Mouths flapping are only going to drive me either to drink very early or right out the fucking door to go God-knows where. The world is such that my options for a place to sit and think are narrow like never before. In fact, if everything were normal these days I would probably already be cozy at a bar nowhere near this town. Jolene's profile is wearing a hole in my heart at this very moment. Damn it. No one else like her in the world. At least, not that I have seen and the search never ends. Ugh, she is something else and wrapped inside me like a pretzel. Folded. I fucking love her character to no end. If only...

Where the fuck was I? Ah...

Today is improving. The metal is gone, the cans are put away, chores are finished, and I have this in front of me for the duration. The only responsibility I have is several hours from now. Just dinner. I made this chicken satay weeks ago and it turned out wonderful. Tonight I am going to roast some wings and dip them in the same sauce. Maybe broccolini on the side if I feel like it. All in all, this day is much better than I had envisioned earlier. I am still fucking angry like nothing else, but at least the quiet and comfort are available to keep my head on straight. God help the sorry individual to upset my present balance. I fully intend to maintain my atmosphere of choice for the duration. By midday tomorrow I might transfer this show out to the new office and set up shop to do more writing. For the time being this is it. Sofa, show, and Jolene's indescribable beauty to keep me company. Eh, I knew after the other two shows ran their respective courses that I would be returning to her. This will not be the last time, either. The woman is too deep in my heart these days. She even pushed Jaime aside.

Watching Jolene walk makes my eyes bleed, but seeing her sitting at her station with knees two feet apart produces quite the opposite. Ugh, why they had her perch herself that way is beyond me. So bad. And as popular as Scott was in his role as captain, I feel he was miscast. What the fuck do I know, right?

I am feeling a bit more mellow than earlier. The day is halfway over and that means cocktail hour is that much closer. The evening should prove relaxing. A lot of time will be necessary for me to organize all which took place yesterday and calculate the best way to proceed. I may not drive at all this week, and with today being a holiday the idea of staying put until next Monday feels better with each passing moment. As much as I like the structure of my routine and schedule, my own sanity might take precedence. The quiet of home during the weekdays can be extended if I do not go anywhere, and that adds to my peace of mind right now. Plus, after driving to the store earlier and feeling the need for forest music, I don't believe anyone else would be comfortable in my car anytime soon. Hearing other voices is like nails on the chalkboard today. Yes, that bad. I cannot easily recall the last time I felt this much disdain toward people. Maybe 1236 so many years ago, or perhaps another time. Not sure. It's bad, though. Mark my words. Knowing I can do little about it doesn't help, either. I feel more stuck than that of the last time I bitched about the situation.

The weather yesterday took an upward stance early and I had figured the house would heat up like crazy by afternoon, however the cool breeze did take over and drop everything nicely. The same is happening right now and I believe there is a slim chance that the heat may be finished for this year. If so, my mood will no longer force me to broadcast the oft-pissy thoughts over being uncomfortable. This is good. Yep, another positive in a sea of shit. I'll take it, though. These days there are so many things pushing me down that even the tiniest boost is appreciated.

I need to cut this off so it can be published, damn it. I tried to maintain a certain length throughout the past several months but sometimes there is just too much to say. And just in case the little positives made anyone believe I was feeling better, read on.

Hmm... A thought just popped into my angry head...

Perhaps the time is nigh for OTHERS to pay THEIR fucking tabs. Break out the checkbooks, motherfuckers. You'll see the decaying fruit of your words and actions soon enough.

Pay up."



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