January 7th, 2021 7:42am pst

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Tinned

 read ( words)

"1-6 again.

And here we are with the most definitive evidence that alone in thought is the truth. Very bad.

Sitting this evening after an eventful day of news and stupidity is more relaxing than I would have though possible a few hours ago. I should have known. The other situations which brought me to believe that I could deal with things as they are and move forward bathed in understanding have returned. Unfortunately, the present is now tainted by everything which has transpired since those six words more than three-quarters of a year back. I forget nothing. NOTHING. Just hours ago something took place which reinforced all of the fear I have experienced for a very long time. All of it. Nothing has been left out. I saw, asked, and that was that. The tumblers of demons began to align, and within seconds the image gained clarity beyond a shadow of a doubt. I need to move away from this for a little while. Too much trouble. Too much anger. One word tossed out here since the outset of the pandemic is now destroyed. If I only had the machine.

Aside from the news and drop off a cliff, today has been decent. I did a bit of work and slaved at the editor, then took care of business to the point of being able to relax for my remaining hours. Well, almost relaxed. There may be very little more of that word from this day forward. I did ok this day, though. Considering all of the piling negatives, my head is still up. All those entries throughout the early to mid summer stated 'I am still ok', although there was one which headed downward to include 'I am beginning to feel not ok'. Well, that is happening again, and with the first occasion relating directly to my emotional health, this is not good by any stretch of the word. I am defeated, honestly. I tried and failed. Some of it was not up to me, and that is why today is not as bad as one may believe. Let me say that one of the good parts of today was learning the certainty of the fear and what lies beneath. I figured it was there, worked my fucking ass off to give the world a fair shake, but in the end the facts cannot be denied. Still, this is a decent day. I am sitting here with my drink and the keyboard, the show is up on the big screen, and our decorations are still glowing nearly two weeks after Christmas.

The four issues now have a hierarchy: Two, one, three, and four. I might be able to make that last one disappear pretty soon. Working on it. The others are not going anywhere. Just when I thought I could deal with two of them on a regular basis and come out the other side feeling ok, the information revealed today has put that notion in the ground. Alone in thought. Help me welcome the goddess of the universe, Jolene, Jamie, and Brooke the first back into the fold of this content. They are out there and know nothing of me, yet still I cannot survive without those women. All are real, all are out of reach, and that is very good. Just knowing those indications of love and understanding remain in the world can help me to keep my head above the soil. And now? Read...

I love her.

She is out there.

Here we go again with the only path I have ever envisioned which has the singular ability to bring me comfort of mind. All other concerns are minimized. This can kill me, literally. Dead.



1



Today I effectively began work on the old office, leaving most of the heavy lifting for tomorrow after seeing all of the little things which need to be killed first. I took care of a few earlier, and more will come to pass in the morning. Curious, the level of accomplishment rose this afternoon just after the anger began. I have been receiving false information regarding issue two and I will take no more of it with a smiling face and easy-going attitude toward other people. They are all on the same level now, from the ants who tried to usurp the democratic process to those closest to me. All in the same fucking shitty bowl of rotten soup. Trust is gone, others are the enemy, and I am on guard and ready to strike in the worst way imaginable. Ah... That was nice.

Thank Christ for the fucking dreams. They are all that is left now. Nothing else. Real equals pain. Fantasy equals comfort. This will drive me into the ground (the real ground, nothing figurative this time) before this calendar year has elapsed. Well, at least now you have a timeline. Be thankful the fucking year just began.

When I say I can take no more of this, I mean it. Don't question me.

Now, tomorrow is shaping up nicely. I have my routine, some comfort in the morning sitting with this crap, and perhaps a few small chores in favor of the office improving. I also need to run to the hardware for some staples that will help me fortify my position in the neighborhood. That may sound odd to some, but believe me when I say that this house is now a sanctuary -- a place free of the bullshit which seems to fall on my head no matter my good intentions and helpful nature. Jolene's big, beautiful eyes make me want to drive off a cliff. Jamie's eyes are similar, yet darker. Same cliff. Run with it and go fuck yourself. This is all I have anymore. Everything else has been proven false, slighting, harsh, and otherwise deceptive. The names up there are those who could never hurt me because they are far away and will remain as such. Close equals pain. Open equals fear. Both at the same time means demise. Sum? I am off limits. Do not approach, to use the parlance of our time.

Wow, this is bad. Like, worse than I had thought earlier. I am seeing my value and the bullshit which is flying around daily. The result of everything is the aforementioned downtrodden state that is now much more dire than months back while I obsessed over Jaime, Jamie, so many others and all the ideas (dreams) attached to my mental health. Bad. The plan for selling some things from weeks ago is now something I must embrace in order to take even the smallest of steps toward a time when the world can reopen and free me from this gulag. The evidence, expressions and moments which drove fear to my very core are now summed in the worst way imaginable. I am going to have to remain upright, though. I cannot let the others see through the facade and into what is going on inside. I have to keep it hidden, like those secrets from the eighties and the thoughts which drive issue four to the head of the line so often. 'Angry' is no longer enough. All I have to do is combine the stab from two days ago and this afternoon, and the result is more disappointment and anger than I can possibly describe here. Something has to happen, and I have to be the motherfucker to force it. Well, here we go into the shitty black yet again, only now there are limits. Um... Never mind. Others pushed them and they no longer apply.

Maybe my prediction of the end of all things was not far off. I fail to see a path now.

1-7.

Tinned. The surfaces have already been coated by years of my inability to deal with problems related to fear. Once in such a state, a bond forms quickly and permanently due to the preparations which have never been under my control. Burned, as it were, by the iron... Scarred. The flow is facilitated by the years, the heat is generated by the flares, and the issues become fused. Tinned by the world and its inhabitants. Tinned recklessly by those feelings over which I have no control. Tinned by the uncaring. And now the heat is coming...



2



Fuck everyone, I've had it up to here with this shit and seemingly being the only sorry sonovabitch to worry so deeply day in and day out. Fucking tired of it. Fuck you, too.

Today had better be pretty fucking satisfying. I mean, I need to know that I can occasionally live with this shit being handed to me without constantly wishing to fight back. I will not fight them. They have to realize in their own time and under their own locomotion that what took place is wrong. Just fucking dead wrong. Those small enjoyments are going to be more important in a few hours. If the end of the afternoon comes along and I feel that the tinning will not allow me to be comfortable for the evening, this will become much worse. I will not only continue with the growing disdain for every fucking living, breathing soul out there, the reality of my contact with them shall turn toward the negative. Unpleasant does not even scratch the surface. You may believe that yesterday's bullshit at the capitol upset me and touched off this latest shit mood, but you would also be incorrect. I was losing my shit long before those idiots set foot on the grounds over there.



3



Recalling the satellite dishes didn't help. I saw a glimpse of one in a film the other night and it touched off a chain reaction of memories which is still carrying forth. The tinning is all about my mood and has nothing to do with the past, however. I am not angry about the manner in which I recall those years. The dishes were an integral part of the business and to have access to the receivers and birds on a daily basis really opened my eyes to many aspects of entertainment to which I would have otherwise not been exposed. They changed me, and during that one summer of working there I ended up seeing those huge dishes as representing my desire to do something exciting and satisfying. But they never pissed me off. Heh. I simply miss that time. Right now, anything that helps me to recall situations or people back then during the glowing period does not do me much good. I like to remember, and sometimes those recollections can really make me smile, but for the most part I only see the differences between then and now. I've already complained enough about the present state of things, so I will avoid doing it again here. Just know. Not happy. The dishes are now piled on top of existing issues.

She is out there. And Jaime King is in this film. It's not that great, but some cool visuals, like her gazelle stance and Kate's sweet, dark eyes. Yep... A Jaime. I don't know what happened in the last nineteen years since this was produced, but lately she looks very different. I think she was in one of the Christmas movies and the difference between way back and a year ago is pretty stark. She resembles Uma very much these days but not necessarily in a good way. When the film was made during zero and zero-one, she was unreal. A model-turned-actor with an amazing face. Seeing her at twenty-two in the movie is a harsh slap to my head. Fortunately for someone like me with all of my needs and strange beliefs, the film is ideal because she is frozen in time, just like I am becoming. Yep, the glow. One more reason to escape the reality of the world and fly back to when there was still brightness. Jaime, too. What a fucking name. I digress...

My eyes are burning from the smell of the chemicals and heat. I used to do much soldering on electronics and always tried to keep my nose away from the reaction, alas sometimes there is no way around it. The smell is not good and can be quite harmful in large amounts. I don't like any of it and I did not make it happen. Unfair. Not me, them. Unfair. As much as I realize the terms of being attached or otherwise near me these days, I don't believe others have either listened or accepted the reality of what is required. Well, I'll slam that fucking point home to such an extent that they will walk away... Quickly. I can be harsh, and now is the time for harsh. The burning will not cease until I lay everything out and take steps to cool the reaction. Being tinned like this for years means I no sooner let down my guard when someone forces that iron to bond me to the fear. And then pain. And then anger. Well, congratulations... You succeeded.

Does anyone really give half a shit? The evidence shows otherwise, as well as hidden aspects of life which pushed my mood into the fucking toilet. I had an inkling that there would always be something just below the surface, but decided that it could be dealt with. I felt like the others were balanced enough for me to find comfort in the company and let anything like that go. Well, too deep. Too much. Too fucking hidden... Until now. Yep, I saw it. All of it. And now I cannot unsee. I can't stop knowing. Too late. Too much. Fuck you.



4



Today. The seventh. I have no prospects because my head is now preoccupied with shit. Thanks, assholes.

The usual, I suppose... My daily routine, possibly some laundry, and maybe I can look around and locate some things to list for auction. I've pulled down quite a bit of cash since November and wish to keep it going. I'll have to be careful, though, because when I am this upset I tend to sell things quickly without remorse. None of that right now. Last year I wanted to pare down everything I own into one fucking briefcase and then fly the coop. Well, I couldn't make it happen, and ended up in a similar situation to early eleven before the apartment when I packed the fucking car and took off for the mountains, only to return a short time (like three hours) later with my tail between my legs. Was that eleven? I can't even remember which car I was driving. Should have been the slipper, but I don't recall. Did it have a trunk? I seem to picture placing my bags and cold weather clothes in the trunk. The slipper had rear glass with a small cargo area, so if I wasn't packing that car, do I have the time wrong? Eh... Fuck it. I just mean I had a full head of steam and was ready to leave for good but changed my mind before it was too late. Now? I have to be mindful of my decisions so as to avoid any steps which cannot be reversed, and that includes things I sell.

I am quite certain I can cool off this morning and get into whatever seems best. Right now, though, still pretty fucking angry. Time must pass. If I only had a machine...

Jaime again, the world of wonder. The unreal, the sweetness, beauty, sensitivity, and understanding below which there lies just what I need: Absolutely nothing at all. A machine is the only way. I love her, and Jolene, and Jamie, and Brooke the first. All of them rolled into one mechanical wonder. No worries any longer, just comfort and caring. There are others but it doesn't matter anymore. I can only keep myself inside the dream and the golden past for so long before the real world and other people literally cut off my fucking head.

She is out there
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She is out there

I have to admit that someone is going to take issue with the last several entries being locked away in such a manner so as to incite curiosity, meaning I have been writing and showing the titles and dates here but the content remains unavailable. Unfair? I did that for good reason. And why make this readable by anyone? Because of my level of anger. I trusted when I should not have. And now I'm done, so whether or not anyone reads this no longer matters to me. Hopefully things are still malleable, but if not... Fuck off.

The end result of everything I have written here for years is that I can no longer trust one single aspect of any other living soul on earth. That is that.

I love her."



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