January 22nd, 2021 6:53am pst

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(Un)happy Birthday

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"1-20 again.

The inauguration is on every network. Interesting. Will anything change?

I went into the garage for a bit, music in the background, and took care of small items on my list. I have tons of material and fasteners and such in drawers, many of which are from the long past and no longer needed. So, I went through some and tossed the useless crap which yielded empty drawers in both parts cabinets. I was not out there long due to the cold and a distinct lack of motivation. I still can't make much noise because of the sleeping woman down the hall. Waiting, like always. In a little while I will take care of my indoor routine and perhaps move further with projects if the garage is not too cold. Chipping away is a good thing. The effort relaxes me somewhat, even considering the shit storm in my head.

I think one of Biden's daughters is gorgeous. Hard to tell with the mask, but great eyes and hair.

This bullshit I am dealing with is becoming unacceptable and interfering with my alone time. Being preoccupied is one thing, but having trouble with pretty much ANYTHING I am watching means the issue is bigger than ever. Not good. I will lash at some point. I know it. Feel it. Four is right there after the last several days which is not helping at all. I don't need physical problems whilst in the middle of dealing with the rest. When I sit here in the morning or afternoon to work within, I usually put something up there on the screen that can be heard but not always fully watched. Every single show now -- be it the old 'safe' crap or otherwise is carrying with it some sort of shit. Monday night (less than two days ago) was the catalyst for this current mindset and fucked-up attitude, and it relates to the television. Yep, it does. I need the morning hours to think and collate the issues and usually can relax enough to focus. Since Monday, however, nothing is coming along and leaving me alone. No matter what goes up on the television, my head goes in the direction of trouble. I am fucking sick of it. And I am not fully the cause, either. I do not want to have to thrash everything right now.

The genesis is in my past and does not relate to other people. Said genesis is gone. But I am still here, for whatever that may be worth, and going through my own personal version of hell with each day that passes. And something else comes to mind, as well: If I am unclear or standoffish with others who wish to help, they are at the mercy of my lack of information. I am an expert at keeping things inside. Unfair? Probably, but I can't expose my inner self so easily with those who know me best. There is too much fucking fear of being ridiculed along with the worry that others would be forced to change their behavior while around me, and that is not fair at all. I know it's not fair, yet the fear rules me. A solution does not seem to be forthcoming.

I became bored with the political crap so I put the movie on again. Yep... Grace. I've seen it and know the story, meaning I do not need to pay attention to anything but her appearance and bright eyes. So young. She is amazing and representative of so many parts of life that I don't know where to begin. Grace relates to the glowing years, the rollercoaster girl and that entire period of the HD programming which nearly broke me, and the obsession. Believe it or not, the obsession dredges two to the surface more often than not. She is troublesome but I have to stare. Can't help it. And just yesterday was Jamie up there in full clarity and late in the series looking like a dream and another reminder all at the same time. Ugh, shit fuck. Jamie's eyes have been thrown at one period of time which rubs up against the rollercoaster girl, and Grace is right there with her. The two combined do not cause desire or anything like that most of the time, either. I feel the memories and then fall down over two. Again and again and again. Two is at the head of the line with regard to the bullshit in the previous entry which just keeps rolling along and crushing me. I can already feel the thrash growing inside and pity the fucking person standing before me when it comes forth.

Lash. Fuck everyone.

Pause.



920


Hours later and I have a pile of work finished. I decided to head out to the garage and continue where I left off the other day. That was good. A couple of beers and a shitload of music had me very productive. I added two boxes for the colored lighting, removed all of the remaining wiring and test fixtures from the old rack, and organized some things so the space is more open and usable. Very good. So far, I'm happy with the results. She is out and about taking care of errands, so the house is still mine. I have one of the shows on in the background for comfort and decided to eat and relax a while. The old office may be next if I don't end up lazy. Jolene looks amazing and her voice is like silk flowing through my head.

Some time back last year I mentioned that the peace, quiet and security of home had become overwhelmingly important for my survival. Over time I relaxed such a stance a little and have ventured out on many an occasion. Well, after dealing with so much bullshit and seeing that there are other aspects of the virus (like mutations) out there, I have decided that my mood from last spring and summer has returned. I wish to stay here all the fucking time now. Just this morning while working in the garage and then heading inside for something to eat, I realized how the need took me off my feet last year and why. Yep, I am back there, Jaime and all (Jamie, too... As you can see). I am once again cocooned here and fully intend to hide myself away from society. Considering the bullshit coming at me from more than one angle, the feeling of being alone at home is very rewarding. I must savor each second of this.

I went through quite a period last year. Very unusual for me, and not just the fucking pandemic. Part of the situation was driven by a yearning to be home more often which gripped me year after miserable year while working in a very uncomfortable environment. I cherished my time here, too... Ensured appreciation for those days in which I could embrace the comfort of home and get things done at the same time, and at my own fucking pace. Everything here became important beyond words. From the early morning coffee to the evenings after dinner with cocktail in hand, I loved it. Part of that deep appreciation likely stemmed from being quite the opposite while out on the jobs. The contrast was beyond stark. Now? I feel like that all over again, and such a thought after nearly ten months. I am guessing that for me, longing for some things and then achieving does not necessarily become worn out over time. Like those who travel for a living and then wish they could spend more time close to home. They only yearn for it because they don't live it. I am just as pleased being here all the time as I was at the outset so many months ago. We shall see what the future holds. Stop.

1-21. My birthday for Chrissakes.

Here I am with the house to myself, although rather than remaining here all day, I have to run south and bring her phone with me. She left it here. Other than that little nugget, I am the same as always. I may slack off the work today in favor of spending more time at the editor or drawing. Since it's my birthday, doing more which I enjoy should be nice. Or, I might feel less than accomplished by close of business. Whatever. I don't really care anymore. On another, less pleasant note...

Here we go again. Nothing has taken place for quite some time and then just today... Trouble. I've gone through long periods before -- most notably the time in the Midwest -- and had been hoping perhaps I was experiencing the end of it. Well, nope. Just like months ago, the difficulty has been a good portion of this day. I am reminded of many years ago when my friends were expecting me to assist them in moving an appliance. The very morning of our planned work found me horizontal in my apartment. I could barely negotiate the stairs down one floor to inform them of my handicap. They didn't mind at all and the chore went smoothly. I felt inadequate to the task, and moreover quite feeble in remaining holed up to recover. No one ever brought it up, although they did not know the true reason for my absence. These days it is different somehow, like further inside rather than keeping to the source. The difficulty spreads sometimes and I can't do anything about it other than some painkillers for my stomach. That will sometimes ease everything a little.

In light of this new development beginning yesterday afternoon, I am feeling my state of life again. My head has not tried to compute such a thing for weeks, and when combined with the bullshit which I decided to blurt in the previous entry and continue here, the result is not very nice. Other people may find me unpleasant to say the least. Another few inches of my foot into the fucking forest, and with even more reason than I had thought just twenty-four hours ago when I began this latest bitch-fest. Fuck everyone, and I suppose fuck me too.



921


Ugh.

My birthday means nothing to me. Children look forward to gifts, parties and the like, but as I have aged I find myself more preoccupied with how I feel rather than enjoying all sorts of fucking platitudes and shit from others. They can have it their way -- as I always try to ensure a person feels special on their day -- and I must have it mine. Leave it. No, I'm not Scrooging the day, I am only saying that it comes and goes like any other weekday and doesn't leave a mark upon me. The only thing I've considered for many years now is having the dinner of my choice. Always nice, but keep in mind we cannot go out anywhere these days. Otherwise I would pull up a chair at my favorite steakhouse. Hence the 'ugh'.

So far today, the birthday feeling is absent. I received a card from my sister (she never misses an occasion) and another from someone else, but for the most part I am not very pleased with the passage of time in general, and my role in my own birthday in particular. Everyone is different, I suppose, and I cannot just push myself up and be the ideal 'birthday boy', to employ an anachronism. Don't like it? Neither do I. Even the phrase is nauseating. Enough of this. And pause.

Well now, the routine is finished and I ran my errand south to deliver the phone. The clock is moving along no differently today than any other day. Just a Thursday.

Trouble, trouble, trouble... In my head more now than last night or this morning. Once again I am driven straight into the machine. The Cherry 2000 or whatever-the-fuck. I don't care the nomenclature, just that nothing else in this world could help. At least, not to such an extent. The issue travels from body to mind very quickly nowadays. Not that situations like this did not arise in the past, but now it feels different, somehow. More dire, perhaps. My survival is dependent upon understanding and alleviating the seemingly endless trouble. Keeping busy and driving for a while did help, although now that I am idle everything has returned. I'll have to be vigilant once again.

Two Janeways. Heh. Interesting.

Yep, I have one of the safest shows on the screen. Since early this morning, actually. All of the bullshit sort of came to a head during the last few days and my brain cannot deal with anything provocative, nor am I willing to entertain anything new. Like always, I must be careful in avoiding an implosion. Right now I am already at sixes and sevens over too many issues to allow anything to run across the screen and deepen my fear. Later in this series are a few flashes, but nothing terrible. This is science fiction, after all, and generally taken lightly unlike many other programs. This universe is my other home... A dream locale. Within, there are enough options to effectively squash every issue I carry inside. Believe it.

She is going to visit later so we can watch our show again. Hopefully several episodes as the story is quite varying and complex at times. Continuity is one of my pet peeves these days. We usually have the freedom to view at least two. Very good. When this series concludes (which may cause her to have a conniption due to the manner in which it ends), I have another waiting in the wings to share. I've noticed that watching the series with her forces me to think in terms of seeing it play out for the first time. I must remain mindful of the fact that though I've been intimately familiar with such a story, she has never seen it, meaning I basically pay more attention than when I had it in the background. I'm also noticing details I had either forgotten or overlooked in the past. Some of it is new to me. The next show will likely be similar.

Look at Jamie. One of the very few women who do not cause me to fall down over desire. And expect more of her as time passes. I just can't help it. We are in the sixth season of her show which means Jamie is older and more beautiful than ever. Unreal, honestly. I think at some point during the past few years I realized that she aligns with everything inside me. Hence the gushing. No desire, no sex whatsoever... Just her natural beauty unlike anything else in the world. Damn. Look again. Those eyes are so kind that I may have to dash outside and ram my head against the fucking sidewalk. Go ahead and laugh. It doesn't matter anymore.

A machine for my birthday? Not likely.



922

Sweetest. Expression. Ever.


Sitting with this now is peaceful yet uncomfortable somehow. While busy, I do not generally need to worry so much because my mind is occupied. Aside from occasional physical discomfort, I can focus upon whatever is in process and I eventually forget about the clock's motion. Here and there I may be reminded of feeling preoccupied, but for the most part I am fine while working. I haven't had one of those days standing behind the couch and thinking there is nothing I can do, or not knowing what to do. I've been chipping away at little things around the house which irritated me, and once into something I usually carry it out to completion. That way my head stays out of the clouds (or other places, God forbid) and the day moves along nicely. Right now I am in the middle. Kind of like trouble in the background and holding course so it cannot take over. My head is on a hair trigger, though. The show has to stay up there or I will fall down hard. I can't have that on my birthday for crying out loud. I would not feel good about myself tomorrow. Pause again.

Lunch done and everything cleaned. I also put the new registration tag on my car. Good for another year. As of this moment, the difficulty has not been reduced at all, and in fact now rules a good portion of my thinking. I am hoping the visit and television show will diminish what is happening in my head. If not, I may have to cut it short and get busy with something around the house. The past is a good indication that this will eventually pass, however I do not know when or how well. Damn it. The situation is akin to a small part of me constantly in that place and there is nothing I can do about it. And then the physical crap begins and I damned-near fall apart. There seems no way for me to eliminate this most difficult part of my life. Fuck.

Everything is related and my birthday is no help. Unhappy. One, two, three, four... What the fuck am I doing this for? [Horrible grammar, that one, but it rhymes.]

'Some sorta Goddamn trouble here, Jerome?'

Yes.

What to do? I finished everything I need to do today, the goddess is coming in roughly half and hour to watch our show, and then the typical evening. The only difference is today being my birthday means I can basically have whatever I wish for dinner. Other than that slight alteration, this is just a fucking day. I did receive a few messages wishing me well (not from most, though. They do not know of today without the social media connection that I destroyed last Spring) which is always nice, but honestly... A typical day alone at home and left to the mechanics of my brain. They will not let up. I still have one of the shows up there to keep me company, very nice, but have no direction now. Thank God for her visiting because that is at least something to look forward. Fuck, do I ever hate this situation sometimes. Pain, longing, and then just a load of words which do not seem to help at all anymore. At least Jamie is here. Better than nothing. I wish Jaime were here. And I don't mean images.





Maybe I'll do like some of my female acquaintances and stretch my birthday into an entire week (or month!). That way I have more time to embrace whatever the fuck can bring me a smile. No machine, no dreams, damned little hope these days add up to many questions, not the least of which is 'why?'. I have to close this crap until tomorrow. So little good in my head these days.

1-22.

I am definitely treating today and the next two days as if my birthday is any one of them. Yesterday did not really blow my shit up as I had hoped (like each occasion... A mistake on my part born of weakness) other than those same two people providing good wishes and some gifts. These days, I just don't know what constitutes a good birthday for me. Maybe I really don't care anymore. Part of yesterday was actually not me, but them. Just like in 'Bullshit', I ended up centered between two individuals for whom I care. And on my birthday for crying out loud. If that happens again, I may not be very nice. I suppose this is where I put myself. My decisions which brought me to this area were flippant and flighty, with me back there believing I was doing what was best. Nope. And now I am close to doing it again. Very bad.

Everything runs together and then runs all over the place like some fucking liquid spilled everywhere. My patience is wearing thin and my mouth may open wide and let it go. I just have no idea right now. The quiet morning is helping to a degree, so maybe as the day goes on I will mellow a little. Pretty unhappy with others and none too pleased with myself so far today. Yesterday was just too much. I don't know what to think anymore.

I wish I had some options right now, but alas I removed any future possibilities some time ago and left everything as flat as possible. I guess I'll have to step a little further in and leave them behind a touch more than I began the other day. My mood mellowed a little due to people being so nice on my birthday, but now I am heading back down and need to care for myself instead of them. Not so much, anyway. That will eventually be my Achilles' heel if something does not take place soon. Turning into my dad is not a good thing. Never. He was a good man for the most part, but lost out for years due to circumstances partially beyond his control and eventually he decided to just keep going day after day in the same vein rather than pushing to go where he needed to be. Twenty years of that with thoughts and dreams of breaking free led to a nothingness which nearly felt tangible in the room. I will not let that happen to me, or at least not with the same timing. Like him, I am partially at fault, although the other portion of it was mentioned in a prior entry. Yep... Them. Those people. Partly led, partly blind (all me); pulled and pushed into places with something dangling right there out of reach (all them). Believe me when I say I am not blind nor stupid, and a good measure of where I am right now is my allowing it to happen at a price. Well, the compensation is running out. Without becoming sexist, I actually know. And everyone is a sexist anyway. Living as one means there will always be bias toward the same. It's natural. Due to them, I have no options.

No light yet. Within the next half hour I'll have to get her shit ready and out the door, after which I might take it easy and see if the sun will be warm today. Maybe rain, but I'm not sure. The garage awaits attention, and just like when I wrote 'bullets', my mood is absolute shit this morning. Music, beer and some work out there will help me avoid being a complete fucking demon toward females. As much as I'd like to lay into them, the feeling will pass if I am careful. No one deserves the full weight of my wrath. Some, but not all.

Another birthday? Sure, why not? Everyone else does it, so I can too. And I need to embrace the idea or I'll end up very angry and take it out on whoever is right in front of me. Deserved or not, I must refrain. There is lots I must work on, most notably myself. I cannot expect them to change, grow, or learn, so protection is paramount right now.

Damn all this anyway.

She is out there."



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