[15:55 pst 12/30/2017 CE, 1514678100 E]

Due to the end of the year, the continuing sage which began in October (April, on the backend) will not conclude until into 2018. Admin has attempted to speed the publishing interval, however the difficulty in bringing this story to the public domain has created a few mental roadblocks. We are not certain how many more sections will be tossed to the staff for editing and subsequent production. We continue to await the saga's end.

Other than that, the site remains as-is. Some code work is in process, but nothing dramatic.

The Raven and the Rage

Part Ten

read ( words)

"The beginning of my time with the Raven has been chronicled (slightly) already. What is not included in that entry is just exactly how much I fucked everything up, the proximity to losing the young one forever, and to losing my job as well. The two of us together quickly became a syndrome of sorts. We found it difficult to be apart, yet when near each other things turned to drunken recklessness, danger, and a massive issue which never seemed to be avoided. She was one of the most beautiful women I could have ever imagined, possessed an enormous level of compassion, and held within Her a huge heart without limit. We were very alike in that we loved the idea of hiding, avoiding anything family-friendly, and embracing the fringe of living. That was a very sketchy combination for two people dealing with emotional issues -- and we shared those in abundance.

After meeting and becoming more acquainted, the Raven and I connected from time to time at a few different restaurants to speak in person. Her situation in life was not well, and I did my best to be a calming ear. Throughout the meetings between us, an understanding and compassionate relationship began to form. The physical attraction was overwhelming at times and led each of us to remain guarded and in the public eye. Even though we preferred to be alone much of the time, the need to keep the sexuality at bay pressed us to meet up in bars and restaurants only. We generally spoke quietly, gazed at each other and left the others in the background. Over and over we met at a few usual places and enjoyed conversation which ran the gamut of life, and occasionally slid into the territory of love and physical attractiveness. During those times when my deep obsession was glanced, She became enthralled and wished to fully engage the subject. And me.


For the most part, we discussed all manner of things -- our relationships, work, and society. We also tended to identify with each other on the subject of family and how our roles within society can be influenced by lousy learnings from the past. That was one of the toughest conversations to bear in past experience, and that fact was due to my feelings toward the state of progress and our fucked up Herd mentality. The Raven pushed forth with Her unique outlook and Her methods of dealing with all of the other people with whom She interacted daily. Those thoughts left me wondering how She could be so brutally cutting and yet still carry Herself with such a loving warmth which was continuously expressed by those huge, beautiful eyes. The more we spoke, the more I became overcome by everything which made up such a unique person.


Thin... and that was the beginning of the draw

And during each visit... My head swam with thoughts of the near past. All of it, from the beginnings with the Brunette and that terrible exit from my life to the blissful and wondrous days with the goddess Herself. In between? Rising, falling, flailing, and trying to figure a way to quickly leave the world behind. I spun through the whole affair over and over while also considering the feelings of the loving young one at home. For days and days I ran around a mental track and proceeded to wear myself out emotionally. The thoughtful, patient learning and understanding I had achieved throughout the past few years in my new home had been effectively processed like a turkey before Thanksgiving. My mind spun out of control just as a blender with far too much voltage. The more I considered Her sharp mind and features, the more I sank into a pit of confusion. But I could not stay away. The draw was too much for my weakened state.

So I kept seeing Her whenever possible.

Eventually we settled into a routine of longing and desire while holding ourselves back to maintain a quality of life and living. The desire was mounting, but we did not allow each other to slide. On more than one occasion we ventured outside our usual spots and gallivanted throughout the city. Late into the evenings we strolled -- hand in hand -- from one watering hole to another, while smiling and wondering what may happen if we were to derail. Many nights were spent in each other's company and with little regard as to what may be taking place outside the world we created. The feeling reminded me of that fucking goddess and the space we inhabited at any given moment. The Raven was wonderful to be near, and the heat between us was nearly too much to bear. I knew something was going to happen but felt powerless to avoid the damage. She was becoming the universe.

Sound familiar? Yep. Idiot.

Soon enough we pushed the boundaries (and I pushed the young one beyond what She could tolerate). Once that took place, the next question I received from the Raven was, 'Are we too dangerous to be near each other?' Well, yes, no shit, but I did not respond as such. I told Her we just needed to keep others in mind and try to avoid situations which could become out of our control. Um... Yeah. Ok. No problem.

Her own relationship had been strained up to the point in time when we were able to first meet in person, and outside the office (Val's). She did Her best to tell me of the issues. My response to Her pushed Her to feel more for me and She began to rethink the situations as they related to each other. Her impending marriage could have been negatively affected by the two of us spending time alone, so She tried to let everything go and just remain coworkers. Nothing outside of work would have been explored, however for Her... well, She needed an outlet of sorts and I fit the bill. By no fault of ours, that strained relationship fell apart soon after, and She moved away from it. Her family was very supportive but disappointed at what had taken place. I was not known to anyone save for Her.


Her form was unreal

After that major change in Her life, I allowed some time for Her to settle before much contact. I had no wish to be a burden, and in the grand scheme Her family was the priority -- just as Her own needs.

Once again time passed and I missed Her terribly, but the space allowed me to focus upon other things. The young one was not terribly worried, although she had met the Raven once and knew of my desire to fulfill the obsession. She also knew that the Raven was more than willing to allow whatever I wished, including photographs and illustrations. The young one also knew of my love and devotion to her as it had grown since the last horseshit I had caused with the Brunette. We had settled nicely together and I had no wish to disrupt things and create another bad situation. She was a very loving, caring, and considerate person toward everyone... And toward me most of all. None of the crap of which I had been capable should have been sent in Her direction, nor should it have affected Her negatively. Regardless, I spent as much free time with the Raven as was feasible without causing a rift for anyone. Once Her living arrangement had been more comfortable, we again met at the same restaurant to carry on whatever it was we were feeling. There was no up or down to the events prior to me leaving the apartment anymore, and the Raven enjoyed the fact that my life seemed to be coming together after years of difficulty. I still had not found the time or space to study Her in the manner I needed, but there were no worries about that type of thing. She was all for it, and assured me that whatever I wished would happen. 'All in good time.'

Throughout the days when we were together, I began to see what was happening to Her feelings as they related to others' view of Her. She was not perfect, and the first time I stated that to Her in no uncertain terms, She collapsed -- teary-eyed -- into my arms for several minutes. All the Raven wished was to be seen as a person above all things. Not a model, not a princess, not perfect... Just a woman. And that was all I wished to express to Her, day after day. There was a heart and mind which had become damaged due to the empty platitudes as they related to Her appearance. Even when I unveiled to Her a descriptive essay, She again sobbed openly and told me that it was ok coming from me. Anyone else? 'Fuck no.' From me? No worries.

Well, the worries were coming, and by the truckload.


The darkest of beauty

We met on one particular afternoon and the time ran away from us. The initial trip has been chronicled, but some details were left alone. The two of us visited a restaurant attached to the train station for a bite of food along with cocktails. Later we walked around the downtown area and into a local bar for more drinks. We sat there for a bit before She became uncomfortable around the others. From there we headed back toward the station and that is where the trouble began. Too much alcohol made each of us overly emotional and in clear mind of our issues. That situation led Her to nearly sexually attack me in an alley until I convinced Her it was not a good idea. The conversation went on for several minutes and it took all of me to calm Her mind and body. She held me tightly as we began to stroll to the restaurant where the drinking started. Once back at the bar, the Raven was clearly not under good control and we began to argue regarding leaving and getting some rest. After a few remarks from Her, I decided to get some air and walked out. At some point moments later, She exited the bar and disappeared. I would not see Her again until the following work day.

And then things escalated.

Along with the Raven, my keys and sunglasses left the scene. That was a major issue because I drove to the station in the afternoon (which was absolute bliss at the time). I could do nothing more than call Her every few minutes in an attempt to learn what had happened. Our discussion was uncomfortable and rather drunken, but I had not thought that She would take off without me. Over and over I tried to call and message Her for more than an hour. When I finally heard back, She told me She boarded the train and traveled an hour further south. To my dismay, She had apparently gone to a friend's house to sleep it off. Ugh. So, my only option was to grab a taxi all the way back home and leave the car behind.

Upon finally reaching our house, the young one was waiting and none too happy. I could not blame Her, and my drunken state did not help matters in the least. My explanation that my keys and glasses were eighty miles south of home, and my car was at the train station two towns away did not go over very well either. The entire discussion was horrendous and ran the gamut of calm to fierce and back again several times. I tried to tell her that the end of the night was not my fault, but the truth was both myself and the Raven were responsible for every second of that fateful day. Needless to say, the young one was hardly receptive to my claims and story, and that resulted in several days of very few words. The only upside was the quiet in our home. Much time needed to pass before we could converse about that night calmly and without rancor.

From that point forward, the Raven and I decided to keep our outings close to home and for shorter durations. We rarely saw each other at work. When we were able to meet up, the visits were still filled with the warmth and wonder just as before that huge blowup a while back. Conversation, gazing, and the comfort we previously enjoyed... Hand-in-hand. Only after several drinks did we part ways and await the next opportunity to see each other. Over a period of weeks, we only drew closer to each other, and the time spent together pulled us in lovingly. Her demeanor toward me was incredibly kind and considerate, and I did my best to return the feelings. We continued to discuss all manner of things, including what may take place if each of us threw our lives into the wind to be together.


Big, beautiful limpid pools

That would never happen. I began to realize that the life I would be putting at risk was wonderful and I had been blinded for the billionth time as to what path I should choose. No shit, huh? Yeah. Well, aside from the common sense of the situation which felt like a miracle being injected into my head by forces from above, I still wanted to be with Her. There was just too much between us leaving me unable to function properly within daily life without the thought of the Raven all over me. Yep... Danger. Why the fuck not? That was my method of operation during prior years, so what the fuck kind of difference was there?

The young one had become broken up over the whole thing due to my expressions of love for the Raven. She did not deserve to be pushed in any other direction but I nearly made it happen anyway. And the idea that I left the young one with the thought that I did not know who to choose nearly destroyed Her. Nice. Very nice. I was an asshole yet again -- just as she had told me during that wonderful day at the bar -- and in addition she was left without knowing what I was going to do. The hits just kept coming from all directions (me). Days passed and I spent exactly zero time with the Raven in order to clear my head. Since I was living within the house owned by the young one, each evening after work was less than comfortable to put it mildly.

Eventually, I met with the Raven in our usual spot and told Her that aside from Her being my subject, I needed to remain where I was. She reacted very well, and told me that was Her wish from the word go. Though She felt deeply for me, She knew we could not be happy together and She wished for two things: my happiness, no matter the cost, and no more pain or difficulty for the woman who became an innocent victim. The entire conversation that day turned into a catharsis of sorts and left us both wiser and humbled by each other's loving words. We parted for the time being and I went home to crawl on the floor and profess how much remorse was flowing through me.

The young one was overjoyed.

But that would not be the last time the connection between the Raven and I would be a problem.


The most incredible shape to ever stand before me

As life went on in our little home, all of the trials and issues seemed to fade with time. The young one and I carried ourselves day to day with work, the house, and plans for outings and vacations. We worked together on the house sometimes, and other times I did small projects to make our daily lives easier. The two of us found comfort once again.

My visits with the Raven were fewer and fewer, but we kept in close contact electronically. We conversed almost daily, and sometimes the back-and-forth became quite intense. She was finding Her work environment dissatisfying, and began to seek another position elsewhere. Her life outside work was mostly unknown to me aside from when we met at the restaurant, which was fine. The less I knew, the less I may have felt toward Her being with someone else. I wanted Her to be as happy as She could be, but I still felt a bit of pain at knowing we could not be together other than friendship. Naturally that feeling faded as time went by. The young one and I were strong again. Work was busy and home was comfortable. Things were good. And in my head was the form of the Raven... Swirling, spinning, grasping at my every thought.

And then we met at the Third Eye for lunch.

What a fucking day. The restaurant was close enough to roll there in a matter of minutes, and on a Saturday it was deserted. We met behind the strip mall and embraced for a long while before sliding into their diminutive bar area. She ordered two drinks for us and we began the conversation. While She spoke to me, Her enormous and beautiful eyes seemed to be composing their own message. 'Come inside. Warm in here.' God damn the world anyway. The Raven sat there perched on the stool, and looking every bit the fucking model. I hesitated to state anything about Her appearance due to all of the protracted conversation regarding perfection. After gazing for a while and reporting how each of us had been getting along, She took my face into Her hands and said, 'You are the only one, my love. The only person in this fucked up world who can look at me and speak to me however you wish. In that way, I am yours and will never belong to anyone else.' Christ knows how my mind was able to function after hearing that and seeing it expressed through Her unreal eyes, but I had to carry on.

I briefly told Her of my feelings, and that was that. I left it alone and She followed suit, all the while displaying a devilish and very playful smile. At that point in time, I could have walked into traffic with nary a regret. She had -- in one sentence -- sent me flying and forced into my head all of how She felt about me. All of it. For fuck's sake I could not concentrate on conversation very well after such an exchange. Sitting there gazing into Her big, beautiful eyes was enough to satisfy me for the time being. I would not push Her in any direction... Just knowing that we could not move in any direction other than sideways really hurt, but was very necessary. I had to remain where I was, dealing with all that had taken place and building a new life with the young one, and the Raven needed Her own space to live. The situation was sad, however our appreciation for each other was at a high point. I began to realize that I would have to live without the dream.

A few hours into our time at the Eye and the Raven was getting very drunk. She could not function well, and expressed to me Her discomfort at sitting there while the restaurant manager stared at Her beauty from across the room. I could not blame Her, but the leering was not a big deal. We decided to leave. I could see that She was falling into a pit and had to choose my words carefully. The look on Her face expressed both sadness and fear. Upon reaching my car, She told me that Her situation needed to be dealt with immediately -- She wanted to run from Her home and stay with a relative far away, and it had to happen that night. Ugh. Her speech was slurred and She continued to spout over Her dissatisfaction with the living arrangements and split relationship. Cursing, talking with Her hands repeatedly, and constantly grabbing at me to hold Her while I drove left me worrying considerably. She stated that I would bring Her home so She could grab clothes and Her cat, say goodbye to Her mother and then take off for someplace to sleep. My fears and discomfort began to roll up like a snowball. My mind raced to find a solution as She was losing control.

Tears flowed like a waterfall in spring.


Dark and magical

I pulled the car up to Her house and She dashed out toward the door before I could stop the engine. Damn. I followed Her inside where Her mother sat on the couch looking very startled. They argued briefly, and then the Raven dropped a bomb. 'This is my new lover and we are leaving town right this minute.' Oh god, I did not need to be in the room when those words were spoken. Her mother snapped and they yelled at each other for several minutes before the Raven ran to Her bedroom. I stood there frightened and flabbergasted at Her words, and Her mother spoke to me quietly about the issue. She had teary eyes as I was asked to care for Her daughter no matter where we may end up. She also asked that I let her know if and when I could calm things. The living room was warm and inviting, but the atmosphere was icy and heavy. I did not know what to do but did my best to formulate a plan for stabilizing that gorgeous creature.

Moments later the Raven emerged with a small bag and the cat in Her arms. She trotted right past both me and Her mother and continued right out the door, heels clicking on the wood floor. I looked at Her sullen mother with emotional eyes and assured the woman that I would not let anything bad happen. She took my hand and thanked me, and to the car I rushed. The Raven awaited, still crying. As we headed toward the boulevard, She instructed me to drive all the way to Sonora. Huh? Yikes. I did my best to remain calm and try to talk Her into staying somewhere closer to home. She was adamant, but I kept pushing Her not to dash halfway across California that night. I pulled the car into the nearest parking lot and realized that the hour was getting late and I had to think of something soon. She clawed at my arm and shoulder and continued with the water works. My heart was breaking just thinking of how She must have felt with so many changes taking place in a very short period of time. Her relationship, unhappy working conditions, pressure from family, and need to be near me were adding up to a massive breakdown. I could see it approaching at ramming speed, and the thought pushed me to an idea to find Her some comfort.

I stepped from the car and told Her I needed to line up some items before going any further. She clutched the cat and leaned into the door, sobbing. I called the young one and told Her of all that was happening. She was very understanding and said I should come home -- along with the Raven -- and look to the morning for a solution. God love her. That was something I had not considered. Her invitation was both caring and brilliant. I figured that once the Raven slept for a time and let the alcohol wear off it would be easier for Her to think rationally. I returned to the car and told Her the plan, with which She agreed. Back to the road.

As I drove up the hill toward home, I struggled with everything while offering comforting thoughts to the beautiful wreck next to me. Closer to the house we drove, and closer to Her easing up on the full-court press of leaving town. Eventually my words found a home in Her heart and She calmed dramatically. She asked me to park a second time so we could talk a bit without the road being a distraction. The Raven then put my mind at more ease than I could have ever imagined. She asked me to turn the car and head back to Her mother's house to drop Her off. Holy fucking shit was that ever a relief. I told Her I needed to inform the young one of the change, to which She responded with a loving kiss to my hand. I sent a quick message that we would not be there as planned and I would later return alone.

We pulled up at the house for the second time, and She dashed out of the car -- cat in hand -- and ran to the door. Her mother opened the door in tears and embraced the Raven tightly. I took a hint by way of the look on Her mother's face and brought the Raven's things to the doorstep. I only saw one face before leaving, and it expressed sincere gratitude. I turned, walked to the car, and waved. And then home. Fuck me, that was one of the most difficult nights ever, and one I knew had the capability of causing more trouble than had already taken place. On the drive back I went from relieved to happy to sad, and back to relieved. The young one awaited my arrival and held me tightly at the door. Thank Christ that situation found its end, and I found my place -- both in my heart and in that house.

The morning came quickly after sleeping like I was in hibernation. I heard not word one from the Raven, and next to me slept the young one. Coffee, soft music, and reflection made up the bulk of that Sunday.

I felt as if the previous day had been some sort of a dream and none of it really happened. The woman I left on the other side of the hill was so out of clarity that I could not help but worry. Although the knowledge that She was in the best possible place physically helped, I still was very concerned for what may happen next. Her deeply distraught nature was something I completely understood considering the many months I had spent wondering if I was better off alive or not. All of the falls through the floor were tied up into a huge ball of depression for so long that it took quite a bit of time for me to realize that my place with the young one was where I needed to be. I needed to hold that thought, always.


The sharpest of radii

Over the next few days I conversed with the Raven very little as She sorted out life and living. We met less and less, and as the heat between us faded, the comfort and love with the young one increased. I had learned that being with her was very good for me, and I provided her with the same. Our relationship was stable, unlike the danger of being with the Raven.

Work and daily life continued, and eventually I found that the Raven had begun a relationship with another. The tinge of jealousy was sharp and cutting in the beginning and only slightly faded over time. I could not help but feel as such due to the fact that my love for Her never subsided (and has not as of this writing, but that is another story which necessitates the consumption of alcohol). That woman was the very definition of everything I had sought on every single level and we were very close to throwing all to the fire to be what and where we desired. That did not happen, but the feelings remained. Our messages were still filled with love and tenderness, no matter how much distance was apparent. Her feelings toward me had not changed, nor did mine for Her. The Raven was one of the most unique and wondrous souls I could have imagined, and She added things to my life which had seemed impossible.

More time passed, and then something happened which destroyed me.

Work had brought us to a job in Brisbane some weeks earlier. We were there taking care of business in the middle of the large project when my coworker received a call from the office. He left the area and wandered into the street to speak in private, and such a move was unusual considering it seemed to be related to our job. Some minutes later he returned and told me to take a break outside. I was surprised since our typical break time was more than an hour away. No matter, I thought, and ventured to the deck for a cigarette. The summer breeze was winding its way through the tall trees, birds darted from place to place, and the squirrels were carrying out their daily activities. I took a seat on the steps and waited to hear what the office could have wanted with us.

My coworker then addressed me with a serious look to his eyes, and a tentative voice. He informed me that the Raven had taken Her own life the night before and he did not know how to get that across other than to blurt it. My cigarette fell, the world caved in, and I sat there, stunned and saddened, with so many thoughts blinding any possibility of clarity. Shaking hands, teary eyes, sweaty forehead, and a heart which had just been destroyed. I knew not which way to move. I was a trembling fraction of a person with nothing operating properly within. The fucking sum of the world had taken Her from me and the perpetual wind from my life. God damn everything, and fuck everyone. I was left sitting and lacking in every sense of the word.

He asked me if I needed to go home and my eyes answered him clearly and immediately. Off we drove back over the hill where I proceeded to drown in the sunny backyard with a head full of anything but good. Black metal spewed forth from the Bose towers with nary a possibility of relief. Beer cans flew about the yard just as the endless expletives off my dry lips. Everything and anything went through my head... From drinking unto my death, to exposing the revolver and making a statement of my own. My destructive and suicidal nature had returned in a matter of moments. Back and forth I paced across the patio, beer in hand and tears in eyes. I had not the first clue as to what I could or should do with myself after such a horrible morning and worse news. The thought of Her dark and beautiful smile right in front of me floated about my broken head. In the next second Her eyes looked upon me full of fright and I could not calm them. I could no longer do anything to help that soul. The world had been reduced to a heap of ash, and She was gone.

Fucking helpless, fucking ruined, and fucking drunk. There was nothing else any longer."