[06:59 pst 03/19/2017 CE, 1489931940 E]

Current audio: Alcest 'Kodama' (again)

Little change here from the last entry. We are still working out the idea of widening the main table, and performing further adjustments as admin requests alterations and focus within the main content. The legal pages have been aligned for consistency throughout, and the FAQ is still breathing. We do know the day is coming when all content except the index and archive disappears. To that end, we have work in progress for maintaining flow here. And we have it on good authority that the Clodmaster project will not be completed at all. This is disappointing, of course, but we do understand that long-term ambition is tough to rely upon.

Other than that, not much is happening in the office. we are fearing the end of this.

The Passion and the Impossibility

The Richard Mille RM 039 Tourbillon Aviation E6-B Flyback Chronograph

read ( words)

"This timepiece embodies all of the passionate interests from which I have derived enjoyment throughout the past few decades. None of my pursuits have been fleeting, nor have any been remotely artsy. All are very technical and extremely detail-oriented. My driving forces are machining technology, mechanical and electronic engineering, aeronautics and astronautics, and finally wristwatches themselves. When aeronautics is combined with watchmaking, I go off the deep end. The level of detail and complexity within the RM 039, along with its instrument-panel styled layout and coloration leaves me absolutely speechless, and has leveraged this essay designed to describe the fascination and appreciation for this machine that Richard Mille has created. The wristwatch is unlike any other, and the most striking example of a pilot's timepiece I have ever seen -- and this after years of searching and scouring the planet. It is unreal. And I will point out the downside at the outset: This watch is unavailable. Period. Thirty examples of this mechanical art were manufactured, sold, and subsequently distributed to thirty very happy customers. Oh, one will pop up from time to time as collectors buy and sell their investment pieces, but the bottom line is that the purchase price for something of this magnitude is commensurate with the time, effort, brilliant engineering and design which has gone into it. Acquisition of such a masterpiece is something which will not happen to me in this lifetime or the next.

As painful as this fact feels, I needed to point to the impossibility first.

I have seen countless articles written about this fantastic machine, and a few video reviews as well. Many of them go into great detail about the case, materials used on the outside and inside, and the unbelievable manufacturing techniques and processes which became necessary for Mr. Mille's vision. Due to the vast material already available, I wished to focus entirely upon the function and look of the watch from my perspective. To begin, some background on how this love affair materialized.


The masterpiece in question

Months ago, I ran across a Pinterest board full of Richard Mille watches, and after seeing the RM 11-02 in the tonneau-shaped case with its colorful dial and oversize date window, I began to look deeper. Eventually the RM 39-01 popped up and I became enamored with the inclusion of an elaborate example of the E6-B slide rule. This is a watch feature I own in many examples, however this particular incarnation has scales on the rotating bezel, the fixed inner bezel, along the outside edge, and on the case top, thus expanding both the readability and usefulness of a traditionally compact calculator. The individual scales are in varying colors and the entire bezel is oversized. Mr. Mille's version of the historic E6-B is brilliantly executed. And he did not let this computational flight tool stop there. The middle section of the watch case has a small cylinder which can pop up for speeding density altitude calculations. On the RM 39-01 it is between eight and nine, while on the RM 039 the device is near two o'clock on the case. The entire affair of his E6-B design is the most complete and visually striking adaptation I have seen on a wristwatch.

Upon encountering an image of the RM 39-01, I immediately dove into searches for more information and detail and eventually ran across its more complex brother, the RM 039. At first glance the watches are somewhat similar, but after looking deeper I realized the RM 039 is vastly different and far more complex. With five pushers, four crown functions, three mechanical apertures, eight hands, and three subdials, the microengineering involved in creating this unbelievable watch is staggering. It is unlike any other aviation instrument for the wrist.

Before I begin to gush at length regarding the remainder of the RM 039 functionality, I will outline my impression of the RM 39-01. The dial side, below.

RM 39-01

The beauty which led us to the passion, the RM 39-01

The automatic RM 39-01 displays hours, minutes and chronograph seconds at center, running seconds at three o'clock, totalized chronograph hours at six o'clock, and chronograph minutes on a unique subdial at nine. UTC time is also displayed from the center. There is a large aperture above center for the date, and a smaller aperture at four o'clock for the month. The chronograph is a flyback.

The chronograph minutes subdial is fantastic in that it utilizes a disc as opposed to a pointer for indication. The rotating inner disc also has a scale and as such can be read as a countdown while the chronograph is running. Very innovative.

Upon discovering such a colorful instrument, I immediately searched for images and information, and eventually ran across the RM 039. The dial side has a bit less color and the back crystal displays a tourbillon bridge and the fact that the movement is hand-wound. The pushers are nearly identical (although more of them on the RM 039) and the crown lock on the RM 39-01 is absent on the 039. I took in much detailed information and soon realized that the similarities are few. The RM 39-01 houses Richard Mille's RMAC2 4Hz movement which is used in other watch models, while the RM 039 caliber is unique.

Below is the back of the RM 39-01. Stunning.

RM 39-01 back

The rear of the RM 39-01, with its automatic rotor

If ever there was such a thing, the RM 39-01 is a pure aviation instrument. Every aspect of this timepiece shouts aircraft, and I fell in love with it immediately. The fact remains that this model is likely the only one of the two which could be considered attainable. At somewhere north of $100k, it is a chunk in its own right, but realistically something which could happen for a person dedicated to the purchase and passionate enough to focus upon such a goal. The watch is worth every penny, even if to display prominently and spend years just staring at this type of horological accomplishment. The fact remains that the E6-B flight computer on this watch is identical to that found on the RM 039. The only difference between the two models as related to the bezel is the mechanism mentioned above. Inside, the two are vastly different and clearly define the very idea of creating something so wondrous with a price tag which remains in the stratosphere, and then another 'version' that is more affordable. I believe the prototype for the RM 039 arrived first, and the RM 39-01 came later. However it happened, I am pleased to see such unbelievable examples of flight-related mechanical wonders for the wrist.

On to the main point of this whole endeavor: the Richard Mille RM 039 Tourbillon Aviation E6-B Flyback Chronograph -- otherwise known to me as the Passion.


Supreme aeronautical coloration


The incredibly detailed dial with a nice sapphire glare


The tourbillon bridge of the hand-wound RM 039 stands out beautifully

The RM 039 holds a hand-wound movement and prominently displays hours and minutes at center via large, skeleton hands, along with a striped UTC pointer, chronograph seconds and chronograph minutes. Running seconds are displayed on the lovely tourbillon at six and totalized chronograph hours are at nine. The oversized date window is above center and between two and three is the power reserve. So far, there is much happening on this timepiece, but more is to be found. At four is an aperture bordered by yellow and black striping, which is the crown mode indicator. Opposite this, there is another aperture with a matching decorated outline which indicates whether or not the countdown is enabled/running. Yes, a countdown function which shares hands with the flyback chronograph, and this on a mechanical watch. The engineering required for such a feat is amazing.

Above center, and similar to that of the RM 39-01, are the exposed date windows. On this model, the apertures are framed in white -- for readability -- and the black numerals on each wheel are 'backlit' in a manner of speaking due to the white background behind where the date digits meet in the center. Each date wheel is nearly fully exposed, furthering the complexity of the dial. To add a bit more, the date can be quickly advanced at any time thanks to a dedicated pusher at two. The RM 039 has no month indication and I don't care. If you do not know the month at any given time, you may need a different wristwatch. Heh.

All of this indication and function is colored so as to resemble parts of an aircraft instrument panel. Many of the gauges and mechanical displays on an airplane are brightly and differently colored for instant recognition during flight. This watch is showing off black, white, yellow, green, orange, and red on the dial information alone, not to mention all of the varying colors around the bezel, pushers, and crown. Never before have I seen a timepiece more fitting for aviation, nor any which have looked more the part. It is beautiful to gaze upon, and this considering all that is going on inside.

The power reserve is a retrograde-type employing a small red and white striped hand for indication. I am pretty certain that the reserve on this gorgeousness is roughly seventy hours, and the display is from sixty to zero. The power reserve is not intrusive at all, being nestled up and away from the center hands. Each indication is immediately distinguishable due to design differences and contrasting colors.

Dial detail

Absolute complexity in function and appearance

Further in

Right at home in a plane


So detailed

The chronograph is also a flyback, meaning the mechanism can be immediately reset while running. This is important in aviation for quickly measuring successive points without the need to stop, reset, and start again. Chronograph seconds and minutes are indicated from the center, and the two pointers are very different for instant readability. The totalized hours are indicated by a subdial at nine. Naturally, the chronograph reset and flyback share one pusher. Did I mention that the oversize pushers around the case are all labeled? And further they are decorated beautifully with stark red against their metal construction.

One of the pushers -- at nine on the case -- turns on the countdown function (the aperture at seven will display 'on'). Another pusher -- at four -- is then used to set the number of desired minutes. A light press moves the center hand in one-minute increments, while a further press advances the hand in five-minute increments, thus speeding the process of setting the countdown duration. When the start/stop pusher (at eight) is engaged, the countdown runs its course, eventually causing the indicator to move to 'off' when time has elapsed. Keep in mind that this function is sharing a section of the chronograph and flyback while running. The sheer amount of engineering required for this feat is staggering to consider.

Another little tidbit as related to the apertures... since this watch is completely mechanical, and due to the fact that Richard Mille's movements are largely exposed from both sides of the watch, the indicators for the countdown and crown mode can be seen through the crystal despite their position in each aperture. This is fantastic because they appear to be 'waiting' in a standby position until required. The entire affair of the function indicators as well as the date are simply incredible to look at. Insane. Add to this the fact that the two apertures flanking the tourbillon are not evenly spaced on the dial. Why does this matter? It adds yet another level of visual and mechanical complexity to an already unreal appearance and function. And then between them the tourbillon spins its magic with a bright orange pointer. There is just no end to the staggering beauty of this watch.

Deep breath. Moving on.

The four-o'clock aperture is the crown mode indicator. The massive crown on this watch has the selector built into the center and controls four modes: 'N' for neutral (basically freewheeling), 'W' for winding the movement, 'H' for setting the hour and minute hands, and 'U' for setting the center UTC hand (or second time zone, if you will). While the RM 39-01 has a dedicated pusher for changing the second time zone, the 039 already has five pushers, so the crown adjustment for this function seems necessary. Despite having a 70-hour power reserve, the watch does not carry many time-related complications which means after sitting and stopping, the wearer can simply select the time-setting function of the crown, spin the time to current, and then click the big pusher to advance the date. Other watches with many complications have a setting procedure which can be very time consuming and must be performed in a certain order to protect the delicate parts of the system inside. The RM 039 is time and date only, simplifying the setting should the watch stop for any number of days. Wonderful.

Some have stated that to have such a complex aviation watch -- and one not easy to read at first glance beyond the time of day -- is backward thinking. I disagree. This is not a timepiece to be used daily while piloting. It is a work of art and clear demonstration of what can be done when one puts their mind to creating a technical enigma. According to the manufacturer, each step in creating this watch revealed issues which required new forms of metalworking and engineering. Every time a hurdle was overcome, another reared its head and the process continued until finally a working prototype was in hand. To me, the result is fantastic. Yes, it is not the most straightforward design, but to carry on into the future by rehashing the same look and simple feel over and over is not good. Stepping outward and into more challenging territory is part of what horology is about. No resting, just pushing.

And if this watch is not pushing, I do not know what is.

Three pushers

Three of the six pushers

Throughout all of my research and consideration for this masterpiece, one aspect of the design still remains a tad bit of a mystery. Like many mechanical timepieces, there are crystals on both front and rear of the case to show as much as possible, but in perusing the images over and over I find that there seems to be some secondary level of crystal or glass beneath the top. This movement is skeletonized, in that there are moving parts visible through both sides (although I do not believe one can see all the way through like a true skeleton -- just way too much going on inside to have that much space available). Beneath the top sapphire crystal, however, I see labeling (silkscreening?) for the hour indicators, aperture borders, etc. This material is not above the dial, but seems to BE the dial -- like there is glass below the top crystal yet above any mechanical movement parts other than the hands. For example, in the image above showing the lower half of the dial, one can see cutouts in the clear material in the center of each subdial (this is very apparent when looking at the power reserve). I am fairly certain that the dial itself is glass (or sapphire... very likely), below the center hands, and I am scrutinizing this for no good reason other than to know every detail. Of course, if the watch were in my waiting hands at this very moment, it would undergo hours, days, weeks, months, and possibly years of protracted macro photography in order to magnify and appreciate the endless complexity within this highest order of aviation-born horology. The closest I can figure without in-person examination? The thickness of this watch is partly due to the inclusion of so many stacked hands on the center wheel, and Mr. Mille's exposed movements require a level of material above the mechanical area for labeling each functional indicator.

I may have just answered my own question. Whatever. Something is in there and the resulting dial appearance due to this type of design is stunningly beautiful.

And now the difficulty of knowing I will never be in the same room with one of the most incredible machines I have ever seen is setting upon my head. Ugh. I am not going to be any closer than digital images. What a damaging thought.

Anyway, let me get back to the point of this writing.

Other three pushers

Even the crown resembles an airplane's wheel

As if the complexity described thus far wasn't enough, the entire movement is protected against misuse. That is to say that the functional nature of each aspect while running -- flyback, countdown, or otherwise -- also engages mechanical limitations which will not allow pushers to be used out of order, and this extra level of design and microengineering means that the wearer need not worry about harming the extremely complex movement during daily use. Really? Yep. Just another unbelievable facet piled upon the many horological feats within this wondrous machine. Richard Mille is one of the most brilliant figures in the world of watches. There are seven-hundred and thirty-eight parts to the RM 039's movement. And every single one of them has been placed inside the case with every possibility taken in to consideration, thus yielding this... this highest level of an art which never ceases to amaze.

Whatever I have strove to write and place on this entry, nothing will ever be enough. Just look at the thing... the images of all that I have attempted to describe. Nope, I cannot do it justice no matter the word choice nor count. Even the images fall short. Despite extensive searching for months, the images are too diminutive to display all of the detail. No one seems to be capturing high resolution images and placing them for all to see. This is disappointing, to say the least. I would love to see EVERY DETAIL on this most beautiful of machines. Oh well.

Regardless, I am gazing upon the very embodiment of wrist-worn aviation instrumentation, and as I sit in this chair nothing like this masterpiece will ever grace the horological world again. Every aspect of such a timepiece is incredible -- form, function, and the seemingly endless complexity of engineering involved in its creation. Superlatives aside, I cannot begin to conceive of this thing which Mr. Mille has designed and built. The RM 039 is now the only wrist instrument which matters to me. I am finished searching.

And the impossibility rears its ugly head one more time -- nothing like this will ever be close enough to see, touch, or appreciate. Just like the many damaging essays I have thrown to the world wide web throughout these past fifteen-plus years, this is yet another facet of the difficulty inherent in having an obsession. There is no difference between this wristwatch and Julianne. Or Her. Or all of the many works of art through which I have trod in a futile attempt to understand why I must throw everything -- all of myself -- into one direction and then realize that I am suffering because of the effort."

Addendum 10-18-2019

"Throughout the many months since composing the above essay regarding the RM 039, I have learned of one of the details which had been touched upon but never fully explored. The dial itself is in fact sapphire, with the hour marker pips suspended from the inner bezel above it. Each aperture is indeed within a cutout in the sapphire, and the markings are applied to the same. I have also discovered a partially detailed hands-on review with some newer images which show decent detail. The extra image at the bottom was shot by an enthusiast while within Richard Mille's facility and it confirms some of the assembly involved in making this work of art into a wristwatch. The separate major components along with the sapphire dial are illustrated. Through that image one can also see the sheer mass of the case itself.

I have read detailed reviews both regarding the timepiece itself and Mr. Mille's manufacturing processes. The path from raw material to finished product is unreal. My effort here is primarily the wondrous look and function of this watch, however I will include some details regarding the process of creating the RM 039. This is excerpted from an article by Watches4trade:

'The case, like on any Richard Mille, is unbelievably well-made. Just look at that chamfer on the titanium edge one image above, or the heads of the spline screws that hold it all together, or the polished edge around the brushed pusher, or that ridiculously complicated crown and its perfectly flush pusher. Every single piece, just as we'll see with the movement and dial too, is crafted (or rather, for the case, CNC-milled) as though it were a custom piece – which they, come to think of it, sort of are. The case band, the pushers, the sandwiched parts of the lugs, everything is individually milled from a block of metal, never stamped.

Here's another interesting fact to consider: with only 30 of these ever made, each case-back, case-band, crown, pusher, bezel, and any other major component ever needs to be made 30 times over and that's it... And while that many pieces could still be much cheaper to produce with a stamp, here they are all milled for a very, very long time.

For the case, after a turning operation lasting 1 hour and 40 minutes turns a billet into a piece of metal that other machines can work on, over 800 milling operations are required, demanding nearly 11 hours of separate operations. That is intersected and followed by meticulous quality-control procedures with the last one taking a full day for each case. The five pushers, their components, and the crown of the Richard Mille RM 039 Tourbillon Aviation E6-B require 10 days of machining, during which they undergo numerous tests for water-resistance and quality control, followed by the manual brushing and polishing of the entire case. That's about two weeks to produce one case.

Richard Mille has its own case manufacture called ProArt that I visited here, but even with that capable handling of some of the brand's extremely complex designs, there must be some suppliers needed to source the bezel, rubberized crown, and whatnot... And, since cost of manufacturing and final price has never been a limiting factor for a Richard Mille, they really can work with some of the best out there. It happens year after year with some of the quirkier mass-produced watch releases which require a special piece (maybe a special flange ring, pusher, crown, or weird logo), and said piece just stands out from the rest as the brand couldn't find the right supplier. This is when said watches are called “prototypes” when we see them hands-on at their debut.'

Dial closeup

The bluish glare from the sapphire dial

Sapphire dial

And there is the work of art over which I agonized

I also ran across one of the videos available by a reviewer in Switzerland. He was fortunate enough to wear and demonstrate the look and functions while flying over part of Geneva. The video is below. When I found this review on the Internet while searching for further information, I was stunned by the ability to finally see the watch running and being walked through its various complications. The look of the tourbillon, colors around the dial, and mass of the case on a wrist just spun me into a flurry and again I had to see more. At that point I began to scour for more videos just as I had for photographs. Very few came up, one was comprised of other videos simply stitched together, and one was merely a CG showcasing the look. This video is nice and clear, gets quite involved and the watch was captured beautifully. There are lots of closeup shots which showcase the dial many times and the sheer depth below the top crystal is apparent. The tourbillon is spinning in every shot. Each time the camera sees this marvel up close, the passion flares and more aspects of the operation and look are revealed. The whole scene drives me insane. And the downside? Again? Yep... Due to the rarity of this model, this video is likely the only way I will ever see it run. Thank Christ the video is in decent resolution. Credit to Marc Andre Deschoux... That lucky fuck.

As you can see, the colors are striking against that stark black. Gears turning, indicators being sent through their motions, all of it. And the kicker is that gorgeous tourbillon spinning magic at the six-o'clock position. Good God in heaven, the gold bridge, orange pointer, and back-and-forth gyration while the housing spins is unreal. I have seen many examples of single-axis tourbillons all the way up to the incredible three-axis gyrotourbillon, however my love for the appearance of this most complicated of dials takes the cake. Again... It is everything working together and creating one of the most unbelievably well-balanced and beautiful timepieces I have ever seen. Every single detail, from the tiniest screw to the huge crown. Everything. Even the little green 'RM039' near the center of the dial just floors me. Green. It stands out against so many things going on around it. That is important, and reminds me of those idiots that believe the logo on an automobile is vanity from the manufacturer. Ridiculous. The logo is a marque... a badge... a statement. On this dial? Important beyond words. Richard Mille broke rules and ground with the caliber 039. Out of the park in every way. That little green set of characters needs to be there. And it is beautiful.

Case parts

Dial, case parts

Sapphire dial

Movements, dial and case parts

Discovering additional detailed images of this masterpiece allowed me to see more of the complexity and have a few questions answered. The dial, for example. I knew something was in there with the markings, and to confirm the sapphire only pushes this watch further in to the territory of dreams. It is simply another layer in such a thick timepiece, but the fact that RM's movements are better seen than hidden means I get to enjoy the view of all of that engineering. Wonderful, yet heartbreaking. He hit it out of the park with the RM 039, and I am both better and worse off for knowing of this machine. The more I look, the more I find detail and additional nuances which begin to stand out. The overall coloration, for example, is precisely aligned to my interests in aviation (as mentioned above) and to a greater degree due to my love for contrast and color-coded details. Put simply, the longer I stare at the photos the stronger the desire to do this masterpiece justice by spending as much time as possible photographing in order to see each part clearly.

That is what hurts. I do own a Valjoux 7750 behind sapphire, as well as two watches with the ETA 2824-2 that are also on display behind glass, but for whatever reason they do not really compare (as they should not considering the huge difference in pricing) despite shooting them with my Nikon many times. The simple fact is there will be more attention to detail on a million-dollar mechanical timepiece than on a chronograph costing one-thousand times less. Make sense? I could shoot with my best effort for days and days but the movement and details are not going to look any better or more unique. The RM 039 is simply on a higher level (highest, really) and to expect something wonderful at a fraction of the cost is ridiculous. To this very second I wish to see more clearly and from every conceivable angle. Capturing to my heart's content, editing, comparing, staring.


Dial detail

The date wheels and power reserve cutout

Those big, dominant date wheels with their stenciled numerals can be seen more clearly in the newer images. They look like wagon wheels with oversize struts which attach to the numbers. Even the font style of the numerals is wonderful and fits the theme of the watch's look perfectly. The wheel on the right side of the contrasting windows is much larger -- due to more values as the second digit -- and holds more 'spokes' than that of the first digit. The resulting offset appearance adds to the gorgeous function apertures below not being symmetrical. All of it lends to the very technical appearance overall. Every part of the big date system lends a hand at making the watch more unique, and though RM has similar date indicators in other watch models, they seem more at home in this marvel. Part of it is the coloration of all of the black moving parts against the lovely titanium bridges and other components. And I see a bit of shine on some of the gears because the images are quite magnified. God. All those individual materials work together in creating something more stunning and beautiful than any wristwatch I have previously scrutinized.

The only close second would be the RM 50-02 ACJ which was also a limited edition and manufactured for some people in the aviation industry. It shares some of the instrument-styled coloration with the RM 039 and resembles part of the fuselage of an aircraft. Unreal. Other watches are out there, like the A. Lange & Sohne Double Split, which is a different type of masterpiece. Any of the ALS exposed movements are in a class all their own, and that is something universally agreed upon in the industry and throughout the watch lover's world. As for this most technical of marvels, I cannot look upon the sapphire dial and aperture cutouts without yearning to see more. Yes, the passion. After having let this essay sit for more than a year, I need it still. I even went as far as emailing the manufacturer in hopes of gaining some more detailed images other than the CG stills on their web site. No response whatsoever. That is not surprising, however, because who am I but one small enthusiast making a feeble request of a large corporation? That is a rub. I was looking forward to hearing from the company, too. The entire market sector for watches like this, the ALS models, etc., is a segment of the world unknown to me. People living at a very high level and light-years from my tiny existence. I wanted the images to appreciate or possibly print out and display in my office, however since I am no one in the grand scheme these will have to suffice.

They did not respond and the work of art will never be within live eyesight. Ugh. This is all I get.

Images on the Internet are limited due to so few RM 039s being made and the fact that they were all sold before even the first was completed. Most of the higher-resolution captures I have run across were shot by a few different reviewers as they performed their own write-ups. I still scour from time to time but the effort is depressing. The more I look at this most visually complex of timepieces, the further down I fall in the knowledge that increased detail and understanding are most decidedly impossible.

RM 50-02 ACJ

The RM 50-02 ACJ

More dial detail

More dial detail, including the countdown indicator


Big crown and cylinder for calculations

The passion. That sums it up in one word. Never before have I become so overtly enamored with a mechanical instrument -- not even my own complex and hand-made truck, anything I viewed or was involved with at NASA, or any other aspect of mechanical engineering across which I have run throughout decades of searching and appreciation. Nothing else comes close. My love for wristwatches hit the highest of notes upon discovering the RM 039. No electronics, no sharp display or wondrous digital functionality, no mass of sensors. Just pure mechanical prowess the likes of which exist nowhere else in the world. I literally cannot do it justice, nor can anyone. I tried.

Researching and gazing at such passion has effectively parked me in a corner from which there is no way out. I dwell within the impossibility. So sad. Fortunately, the other obsession takes over quite often and pulls me away from this most beautiful of wristwatches. Good? Nope. The obsession which lines this web site is something I cannot avoid, nor can I rise above and find a comfortable place to rest my tired head. For all the good it may do, I will continue to yearn for more detail and more images of the RM 039 because it has become just like the Raven. She was the pinnacle of everything within me, and the watch fills the other space when I do not think of Her. Yep, I switch from one to the next and the words end up here. Everything else in my life becomes shoved aside like none of it matters and I carry on with obsessing over whichever takes my breath away at any given moment.

There simply is no good any more. Just those little distractions between either falling into one pit or the other."