[11/15/2015 05:23 pdt]

This week the 2015 archive has been updated in order to ease navigation. That section has grown dramatically since the outset of the year. The in-page navigation now has links for titled entries (essays). In addition to the 'top' links after each section there are two methods for directing browsers to each segment -- months and titles. Hopefully this change will speed users' time on the page. In a few months when we waddle into 2016, the trend will continue. Due to older entries not displaying titles, the indexing within older sections of the archive will remain as it is. Also, the new Master footer is here to stay and may expand into dramatic symbolism all over this markup. We like it, and we love the respect it conveys.

Since the loss of Her the mood in the office has been black. Readers should expect the blackness to continue into the future of the site. All other expansion plans and additions have been placed on hold, and sections which previously remained unfinished have been removed. We respect admin's needs for a certain look during this period. The singular section which will progress is the Clodmaster. Admin uses that project for personal well-being so the pages will grow as necessary.

The Google numbers are settling comfortably in the basement and this reflects the lack of new content as well as a distinct drop in hits from the Facebook promotions. We will sit and await any change from on high.

The Loss of Her

 read ( words)

"Here I sit among the shit of society. Here I fucking sit. I have no choice any longer. I have been relegated to this by Her. Yes, the Her to whom I have referred during most of this year.

She is gone. Taken by Her own hand and separated from my soul by a distance immeasurable. She did this of Her own accord and feelings and I am left alone in the sewer to ponder, stress, worry, and cry. God damn Her, literally. God damn Her for doing this. I no longer have any semblance of control. Weeks ago, I had a smidgen of pull toward and with Her. Now I have fucking nothing. The fucking exit is illuminated yet again and this time it is as a neon sign in a vast darkness. The darkness I created. The darkness within which I am slowly decaying.

The tragic removal of such a beautiful soul from this planet has put me out of balance, and that means more than ever. This is one less reason to be here at all.

I will attempt to describe the feelings. I have nothing else in these dark days.


The curves of life

One word which has become more than life is associated with Her -- understanding.

The understanding She showed me was unreal to the limit. No one else had ever attempted to consider my position in life. She did, and the resulting feelings warmed my heart and placed me above myself. And the compassion came selflessly and naturally to Her. I welcomed all of it and all of Her.

Unfortunately, She was with me only a very short period of time. This is not to say that Her impact is any less important -- quite the reverse. She has had an impact as none other. The Beauty was endless, the understanding was striking, and Her ability to cool me from the fire remains as the largest aspect of my narrow saving throw versus society. She held me up, She held me in check, and She held me. Her outer beauty -- vast and unreal as it was -- paled in comparison to Her endless compassion for my burning need and miserable plight. She understood me and that statement cannot be written effectively enough to convey my respect and appreciation. There are simply no terms available which will do Her justice. None. Jesus fucking Christ this situation is the last I could have imagined and the resulting feelings are desperate, damaging, reckless and full of hatred for the cause. Anger is everything; sadness on its heels.

Despite the overwhelming feelings of doubt and pain, I have gone on this far with some sort of drive. Yes, the possibility exists that my reasoning is only to continue the written and descriptive appreciation for Her. That is something with which I have wrestled since Her departure and represents a promise I made to Her some time ago -- the onward journey into and through the dimensions and images of the female form. She pushed me over and over to explore and write. She pushed me in that direction constantly, and Her pushing is as an order from a power I cannot deny. I have too much respect for Her desires as She conveyed them into my soul.

I shall push, always. And said push will be my eventual undoing.


Upper thigh radii unlike any other

God damn this world for taking Her away from me. there will be none other in my future and such a fact is nearly crippling. The unique combination of Her complete and selfless understanding of me and willingness to allow my exploration (albeit unrealized) served to raise Her to a level the likes of which I had previously felt did not exist in this shit world.

My life has become more difficult than the period before Her departure. While She lived, there remained the wondrous hope of the passionate research which is a need beyond all others. That possibility has become a large portion of my reason for living. Other needs melted away over the years and when She appeared in front of me I knew She represented everything... All of it. Upon sight, I felt something as well as She. There was a mutual attraction which is natural, yet Her eyes displayed more. Of course there was no putting reason to such a thing at first glance, however the undeniable fact is that the glimmer was there nonetheless. I sought conversation and very quickly that dialog led to an amazing realization -- I found it all within one kind and caring soul. Surprised? Oh fuck yes. Unbelievable surprise, to be sure.

Shortly thereafter I made the decision to ask about the passion, and as unreal as it seemed She agreed to discuss.


Dramatically thin but still so curvy

Months later we were finally able to meet in the early afternoon at a local steakhouse. I sat in the bar and carried conversation for several hours, all the while attempting to ascertain just exactly what Her motivation may have been. I soon realized Her soul not only held all of the emotional and compassionate support toward my needs, but She was also the most striking example of Beauty I had seen in front of me. Huge, gorgeous, feeling eyes that stared and told me more with one slight glance than an hours-long conversation with any other. Almost too much to take in. Those big eyes became a world unto themselves. I traveled into them that wondrous day with the speed of a light ray and remained there for most of this year. Once inside, the feelings only grew over time (nearly out of my failing control). Her eyes had the singular ability to calm and caress my soul like a goddess previously unimagined. I laid inside Her windows with the comfort of a womb. She gazed and I gazed back. When those eyebrows curved downward, I knew She was to become every answer to my decade-plus of questions.

And She did... after all of the close discussions, emails, and bars, She stated in no uncertain terms that She wished to be my subject. Mine. Her desire was to fulfill the dreams and in doing so I would have been providing Her with a fulfillment of sorts. She never explained this to me clearly, however there was no need. Anything I could have done for Her huge heart.



The look of Her... She was slender, and with all of the features which I sought for years. The essay does not do Her justice in the slightest and I must remember and augment that work. Her willingness to be my subject of anything and everything is a major factor in my ongoing feelings of loss and devastation and none of this will leave soon, if at all. I shall never gaze upon Her like again in this sordid life. She singularly possessed everything -- taper, diameter, height, disparity, tone, curve -- and all worked together to an unbelievable degree. Thin, yet with the radii which remain in my brain like dimensions of life itself. To look at Her was to look toward the pinnacle of human art, as has been stated in spades within other essays. Every angle of vision and every differing moment brought Her form into focus in a new way. There was to be no end to the Beauty She carried inside and out. And there still is none.

Coupled with Her huge heart and humble demeanor, She became more than that for which I searched exhaustively. She became everything. Subsequently, I fell far and fast. Yes, I loved Her as nothing else on this planet, but in a way that defies explanation or exposition. I try, I fail. The words will continue to fail but I am beyond compulsion. I am sentenced and driven toward Her legacy. And this prison is absolute. Every single fucking day She is in my heart and mind.

The pain is flaming acid still at work, slowly destroying me.


She was even thinner

One distant sunny Saturday I ventured to the train with Her. Arriving early was bliss because we were allowed the time to quietly converse. The station was deserted as it usually is during the weekend, and the peaceful nature of the platform combined with cold, glaring rails brought me to a place I seldom was able to realize. I sat with Her, gazed at Her, and spoke of subjects important to both. She sat in the shade and listened in earnest. She fucking listened to every flowing thought as if She was born to do such. Like a loving therapist, She stared at my eyes as each word came out. Her demeanor was that of a person deeply caring, and someone considering everything I said as if it was of paramount importance to Her. I was absolutely floored by the kind, caring, and thoughtful warmth being exuded from that person. She heard all of what I said and calmly discussed. Her position on the bench was that of impeccable posture and combined with the manner of Her huge eyes while listening, I could not help but feel that the connection between us was something not to be taken lightly.

Soon there came a point at which She dropped Her head briefly, took my hands, and then looked up with welled eyes and stated, 'No one understands me like you do.' Good fucking gawd that was too much. And such a statement was spoken by Her on more than one occasion throughout the following months.

On that same beautiful day at the station I continued in such a vein. Back and forth quiet and emotional conversation until the train arrived nearly an hour later. We boarded and rode south several stops -- hand in warm hand and eyes gazing -- until arriving and departing the coach toward the restaurant of Her choosing. There the talk went on and the soulful manner of our interaction became all that existed. We then proceeded to drink to excess and effectively ruin the afternoon and evening. We gallivanted through downtown and spent a bit of time in each of several bars which led to our stumbling and drunken posture. This was not the first occasion for such behavior between us nor the last. Days later I discussed (via email) the danger of us being in close proximity to each other and the decision was made to limit our outings to more local areas and much less time. Around others either I or She could be just fine for an entire night, but combined... Things became nearly dire. We strolled with an uncaring manner and spoke our minds.

[She felt as I regarding individual roles within society, the nature of a 'Herd mentality', and the extreme isolation within our vast culture. In fact, we agreed upon so many differing and fluid subjects within society that at times I had to step back and consider if the pairing was real.]

Many evenings had been spent full of alcohol and on the edge of very reckless and damaging decisions which likely would have led to disastrous results for our lives. All too often this was the resulting behavior due to us feeling the pressures of difficult daily lives and discovering just the right outlet, and in that way I matched Her to a tee. The combination was unreal, amazing, loving, yet ill-advised. Together we became a syndrome the likes of which no one wished to be near. We had evolved into a loving, drunken, and very dangerous cyclone of haphazard and inappropriate actions. And one glaring thought haunts me through every single fucking waking moment: Had She not died, we would have committed suicide by now. Frightening, yet understandable. Had that act been performed together, well... Fuck it.

My mind's eye is already there.



We were far too much alike, and that is a grand understatement. She represented every single aspect of what I have considered to be female for so long that living day to day without knowing She is out there has become nothing short of inner death. The short trips we took together, the drive to a destination with the feeling that I would soon be in Her eyes, and the knowledge that Her soul was elsewhere most of the time yet fused to mine have become memories which burn inside from moment to moment. Rarely am I in a situation or position in which She is not in there... Somewhere. And as rare as that feeling has become, it eliminates all concerns and discomfort at the speed of thought.

This loss is crippling and all-encompassing. I cannot escape the feelings of sadness and emptiness. During most days, all else matters not. I simply dream and regret and wallow. I fall. I fall endlessly, and said fall continues at this moment.

There will never be another. Fucking never. She was THE one. Oh, of course there are many other works of art out there to gaze upon, but what goes on inside will remain a mystery. She added to me and I added to Her. That is such an unusual situation that the entire thought is difficult to process. As a matter of fact, I have seldom been able to consider Her enormous impact on myself in clear terms. The feeling of being close was warm, inviting, comforting, and peaceful. Just to gaze brought me above the shit of each day's trials. Her eyes brought me a solace which is otherwise nonexistent in this world. She provided such in abundance... Even while in the midst of issues.

Just as others may occasionally say: Each person is unique. I am forced to agree, and She was an example of that statement. In more than ten years of very pointed searching, She was one. Just one out of the billions. And the one that found me -- waiting, needing, yearning -- and She filled those desires earnestly and honestly. As unlikely as this sounds, She quickly felt for me very nearly what I felt for Her.

Considering all the worthless wastes of space in this piece of shit society, She was the one beautiful person who fulfilled me... Completely.

And that person is fucking gone. Let the hatred amplify and continue to my fucking end."