12-08-2018 06:10 pst

Here we have the next installment of the long tale from the past. This is part fifteen of seventeen, and will likely be completely published by the middle of next month. We honestly do not know, however that seems a good timeline for two more entries. Between those, we will probably toss a couple of unrelated stand-alone essays which are also in the works. As the mood strikes, they will pop up.

As was gleaned a few weeks ago, the link between admin's personal profile and professional space has been severed. We knew that was coming soon due to the nature of the stories here. Eventually the entire coma FB space may go away. We do not know yet.

Also this domain along with two others have been migrated to the new registrar. This has been a long process but one which had to take place for ease of operation. Eventually all seven domains will be handled by one company so things remain tidy. There have been exactly zero service interruptions thus far thanks to the excellent interface and communication with the new company.

Ellie and the Exit

Part Fifteen

read ( words)

"We kissed for what felt an eternity. I thought Ellie's tongue would poke through the back of my neck. Still gentle, soft, and so very tender, she stayed upon my lips and neck, and every single second was bliss. The kitten was so very passionate... All eyes afire and looking up often with the expression I loved from Andrea.

'You're so warm.'

Fuck, she was so sweet and gentle. Her fingers up and down my neck with that other hand gripping the back of my head as she pressed her lips. I was so heated and overjoyed knowing that soon my waiting vein would be pierced by that beautiful little space I needed so badly. Longer we stayed upon our feet until finally I had to explore. Ellie was very understanding and compassionate when it came to allowing me what I desired. I reached down and pulled at her blouse and she responded with a smile and unbuttoned it, revealing the bra I saw a short time earlier. Blue, thin, nipples pointing upward, and the hook awaiting my fingers. Before I had the chance to reach for it, she backed me to the edge of the sofa, sat me down and placed her hands upon my shoulders.

'Go ahead, my dear.'

Holy Christ in a flooded ditch, her breasts were at eye-level again. I paused and stared before caressing. Once my hands were around the cups, I could see Ellie's pretty eyes beckoning me to continue. I did... I pulled and slid the hook open and let it go. What I saw was the material freeing her globes and hanging mid-areola, thus revealing more smooth skin than I had seen on her. Her breathing increased dramatically as my fingers parted the halves and in front of my eyes were her breasts, free and on display with their nipples pointing up and out. I gazed, drooled, and heard her slight whimpering before reaching. When I touched her, my mind exploded with desire. I dove into her chest, those little hands on the back of my head while I made her breasts my appetizer. Soon after, I rose and walked her narrow waist to the bed and went much further... The thong and her yummy little rear. I took Ellie's face and whispered for her to relax and enjoy. On her back, knees up and together as I slid to the floor and admired the focus of my life. Holding one of her hands tightly, I traced her loveliness with the other. I sat centered, looking upon my dream with wonder, wide eyes, and full attention. The blue was beautiful, as were the symmetrical lines of her most inner radii. I tilted my head from side to side in a futile attempt to understand just why the draw had been so severe. It was the pull of my existence, and was right there displayed before me wonderfully. Longer I stared -- just as Andrea had permitted time and again -- and began to appreciate the woman upon whom I focused my intense interest and gaze. Ellie stayed still, knowing full well that she was allowing the one vision in my life above all others. Mathematics, technicality, mechanics... All of them faltered as my eyes remained fixed upon that most personal of spaces; the intimacy above all others. The blue thong, her thighs, the tiny details of skin beyond everyday sight. The contrast of color from one inch to the next. Adjacent nuances of flesh before me. Tiny bumps where her hair had once been. The slight upward radius leading from the uppermost point of height and down toward where her labia formed. Both sides, the perineum, and the gorgeous point at which the lower cheeks of her little rear began to diverge. After satisfying my vast need to take in the most personal of sights, I slowly glanced the material of her garment -- listening for changes in her breathing -- until finally I grasped at her hips and the strap separating my addiction and her delicacy. Off, thrown, diving gently. For God-knows how much time, I sent her to the moon with one shuddering orgasm after another, my lips finding every single drop of the enticing liquid being produced by her passion. More and more, her little hand at the back of my head, her legs straining to cease shaking, my fever unending, until all at once she rose and grabbed at my face, eyes half shut.

'Fuck, lover. Is it ever enough? Oh my God.'


I smiled in my mental inebriation and said nothing. Off with my clothes, I gently pulled at her to reposition and she followed along onto all fours, reaching back toward me with grasping fingers in midair. I climbed behind her, gazed down at the incredible angle of her ass, the tapering from her sharp shoulders down to that little waist and along to the exaggerated diameter of her hips, and plunged my blood pressure into her private space. After listening to Ellie's voice and that moaning derived from the heat of the moment, we both found rhythm for a while, my hands never failing to admire her curvy, exaggerated positioning. Slowly, with caring and that velvet axle grease smoothly allowing movement, I could take no more. Between satiating my strongest desire and peering down at Ellie's incredible form, I was done in more ways than I could count. We both fell to the bed. Jesus fuck. My mind was finished. Ellie held me tightly and stated that I was going to be at the top of her menu for as long as possible. Yes, please.

'I wish you felt better about things.'
'I'm sorry.'
'It's ok.'

We laid there as I dreamed of meeting Ellie and the wonderful feeling of being so close to her. She was lying against me, all warm skin and still-erect nipples. They took my attention often in the silence. I could not help but still gaze... on her side with that gap showing, waist directly above looking so fucking narrow, breasts crooked and one pointing slightly up, and her shoulders all sharp and curvy. She was beautiful, and displaying everything which kept me alive. I moved to lie behind her -- in reverse -- and looked upon that private space again. I gently slid her upper leg to increase the gap, staring for moments at her sex, until finally she asked the unanswerable question.

'Why? I'm just curious.'

Nothing. I ran my fingers all over for a while as she relaxed that little frame. I made my way back to her center, moving in for the second time to appreciate every detail. I leered, touched, moved her legs a bit, touched more, until I felt the need to be there again. I said nothing, just dove slowly and held on to her hips. I heard hushed words, all breathy and intelligible, as I carried Ellie away. One more time through, with her responding by clamping down on my hands. Delicious, warm, soft, satisfying. All the way around from the small of her lovely back (and I mean fucking small) to her navel, and then back to the center for as long as I wished. Another several orgasms until she grabbed at me and kissed with slight tears.

'I need to please you.'
'You do, lover. Very much.'


Off the bed and into the shower together. We readied ourselves to head out the door, with Ellie's ass wrapped in black stretch again. Having satisfied my needs and bringing her to such heights, that little ass was not quite driving me as much as earlier. Naturally, I still felt desire like a proper addict, but the intensity had been lowered somewhat. We rolled out and across the boulevard to the big Center Bar to relax. Ellie had lots of conversation on her mind, so we sat up and talked for a couple of hours. Her fingers were very attentive which kept me warm inside and out of the pit. She also asked if I minded her staying with me again. Holy fuck, how could I? Sitting with her beauty knowing that we would be alone and heated again? Fuck yes she would stay. No doubt, as long as she wished it. Ellie also brought up the idea of me booking the flight home. Oof. That was something I wanted to avoid due to so much uncertainty awaiting my return. Memories of Andrea and her loving ways did not help, either. Upon discussing my exit, the drinking speed increased. Fucking hell, she asked me to promise that I would leave after breakfast. Promise. I had done nothing of the sort thus far so it was tough. Not even the drug could get me to plan something quite so difficult. Another cocktail and another Spock eyebrow from the kitten. She acknowledged that my journey had been arduous and knew that returning home had no definite answers, only a shitload of questions. Just another kind soul wishing for my survival. Ellie asked that I be careful with the booze but I needed it oh so badly. We talked of the future and what she felt were all of the good things I had to offer as a person. The problem was that massive hole I had dug and allowed myself to slide into, not to mention financial trials and my apparent inability to reenter the workforce and actually follow schedules and take instructions. That appeared to be more of a stretch than was possible in my weakened, fucked up condition. Running away and chasing a temporary dream had all but destroyed my inner self. Reversing course? Impossible. One more drink and Ellie said we should take a break from serious matters and relax. Thank Christ. Out of the Mirage and into the glaring sun. Ellie slipped in one more 'you're going home after I leave tomorrow.' Yep, ouch. I wanted to avoid the home wreckage, but had been worsening it with every wakeup in that town. Fuck. At least in the meantime I could still slobber all over her little body. Yes.


We slowly made our way back across the boulevard, but instead of heading into the Palazzo, the kitten steered us toward the Wynn. Oh boy. Casino, bar, seated. Ellie took my face into her hands and told me I was leaving in the morning. Fuck, again. But what could I say to those pretty eyes looking right through me? Nothing. I started to drop my head until Ellie lifted my lips to hers and then rested her forehead against mine. God, she was so sweet and caring. I was truly taken aback. Her sex flew out and the feelings began to creep in, damn it. I needed that sex to be detached but it never happened due to my weakness and severely low self worth. I had to have someone not only to prop me up, but to allow my deviant exploration without restriction. Ellie fit that bill to a tee. And she had told me that my condition was not pulling upon her because I was so kind and generous with my wide-open heart. More staring, with her fingers all over my hand. I fucking loved it, and considering the weight trying to press me into a hole, feeling her affection toward me was wonderful.

The Manhattans were yummy, just as Ellie's gaze and attention. At one point after more than an hour of us conversing, she asked me to cease the drinking because she wished for a full day and not one sprinkled with naps. Yep, shut down again. I stopped and told her that our time was far more important than my becoming numbed. The truth was not far from that statement, either. I had no wish to upset our little ride. So, off the stools and back outside. Across to my hotel and through the big casino to the elevator. Into my room where we dropped our shoes and sat together out of the public eye. Ellie again took my face and pressed those soft lips, effectively causing most of the issues to fly away. Her warmth and gentle kissing took me to a place so cozy that I never wanted to return. She took me -- all of me -- with that pair of eyes I could not avoid. The more we sat, the further in I went. Into her. That heart and sweet, sweet demeanor. I made myself at home within Ellie's endless compassion and affection and she embraced me equally. Being the severely out of balance individual I had to be, I asked if we could extend the fling. I had the resources to do whatever the fuck suited me, but the kitten was working soon. I threw it out expecting failure and received exactly that. She said hell no due to knowing full well I would be further prolonging the repair of my future and increasing the damage in which I was already mired. Ellie kissed me and held my hands because she knew even after our short time together I needed much more and did not wish to leave the huge illusion. I pressed her for more physicality and again begged for intimate time beyond the following morning and in return only felt lip action. Nothing else. Ellie was determined to get my deluded ass onto a flight and the hell out of the goblet. Fuck me. Could I do it? Could I actually and finally leave? Time would tell.

Naturally, due to her passionate lips all over mine I was yearning deeply for much more so I asked to have her body splayed across the bed again. I could not avoid the need. Ellie sans clothing was just too much to pass. Her sexy look and big, loving heart combined to force thoughts of closeness and my carnal desire. We had already been all over each other and the reminders at any given moment were pulling at me constantly. The answer? No.

No? Huh? What?

Not yet. Fucking hell, the time was short -- less than a day -- and she would not let me have the heroin in my swelled vein. Oy. Ugh. None of it. Fuck me. Why? No? God damn it anyway. I sat myself down with the look of a dog denied a toy. Ellie pouted and then smiled which sent my heart flying. She looked so fucking cute that the strength required in respecting her wishes was almost overpowering. I remained there on the plush sofa with the obvious excitement, eventually leading her to sit beside me, hand to my pants, and her head rested upon my shoulder. When she finally looked up after moments of holding on, I melted for the umpteenth time. I could ask no more of that little kitten.

'We have time. Let's go shopping, ok lover?'

God damn did I ever need Ellie on top of me, but her wishes required consideration. Spending so much time with me and allowing my emotional exploration and endless physical requests was so fulfilling that I could not push. Her sweetness in everything she did and said disallowed any insensitivity. She was such a doll for speaking with me in the first place, let alone jumping me in the room. She was right, too... We had time. And then she dropped a bomb. I had to book the flight and promise no changes. On top of that tallest of orders, she was going to drive me to the fucking terminal and watch me through security. The fuck? No trust in my ability to do something right? Nope. That was not the case at all. Ellie looked at me with loving, glassy eyes and made it clear she cared for me and needed to know I would be ok. God damn it anyway. And maybe there was an inkling that I could not have done anything right. She knew me, and after mere days. Sound familiar? Yep. Another soul to which I latched and poured forth my life and love. There was no hiding exactly what I had become.


Tons of shit flowed through my head, eventually working its way into my eyes. Ellie saw it and hugged me. She whispered that I would be fine upon reaching home. All I had to do was slowly ease myself back into being away from Vegas and embrace possibility. Fuck. I fell a bit before composing myself enough to be in public. And boy did I ever need a drink. Ellie smiled and held me, I melted, and we headed out the door.

We left the room holding hands and cruised slowly toward the Forum. Along the way I remained down due to Ellie's arms around mine and my remembering Andrea in the same position for days. She was continually attached no matter our location. Walking, standing, whatever. Andrea was always in contact with me somehow and brought me joy. Our connection ceased but thoughts did not. Ellie was very sweet and affectionate, leaving me to dream almost constantly. But even with my mouth welded seamlessly to Ellie's most intimate of spaces, Andrea was still there. The woman became the very definition of passionate beauty and soulful kindness. The space left within me when that angel departed my life was tremendous. Ellie came at the perfect time to see my damaged heart and learn of the overwhelming sadness due to such a huge hole left in my heart. And Ellie saw Andrea and I together more than once within her place of work. That first meeting after the angel left the Venetian found me yearning for attention and heartfelt comfort. Ellie saw it firsthand and immediately became emotional. Unbelievable. All of the feelings took me from myself... Right in front of that gorgeous kitten.

We walked along toward the mall and all the while I knew the end was one more night away. As much as I needed more and felt a strong desire to avoid home, there was just no extending the stay. And Ellie was pushing. Oof. We shopped around a bit and then slid through to the curvy Spago bar for a rest. More discussion of my wreckage along with cocktails, and Ellie pleading with me to avoid boosting the trip. She felt that my arrival at SFO would be a big enough step to help me along the path back into life. I did not agree but her request was understandable. She cared. I did not. Despite my unending need to carry on with the huge illusion, I sat there next to the kitten, fired up the phone's browser, and booked my flight. Oy. That was the easy part. Ellie held my arm tightly knowing full well how difficult my exit from Vegas was going to be. She knew of the pull. She knew everything but did not waver from the plan. That little girl pushed just enough to enable my temporary clear thinking. A smile, a kiss, and that was that. Booked. Nerves. Fear. Sadness. Whatever.

Longer we sat there as Ellie professed her joy in my taking charge of my destiny and pressing forward with somewhat of a path the hell out of the goblet. She was not out of physical contact with me the entire time. My face was broadcasting so much disillusionment and fright that she began to worry of what may take place once I landed and became completely out of anyone's control. That was a point I could not argue. The past had proven that whenever I felt cornered or controlled my reaction was harsh toward others. I turned my back entirely out of the strong desire to flee and take what I needed in order to be comfortable. That was bad. Many times in the last several years found me running for my life and leaving the world behind. Others be damned. Fuck them. Leave me alone. On the flip side, each return meant reform that I grated against with all force. No one liked it, but I left them little choice. Throughout years of the same behavior, friends and family viewed me as reckless, a loose cannon with a constant charge ready at a moment's notice. With resources? Dangerous. Without? Angry. Nothing in between. Ever.


Time passed in that comfortable bar until finally I needed Ellie all to myself and in private. The stress of leaving had to be alleviated even for just a while. To the street, and to my big home in the Venetian. We entered the room and again Ellie attacked me with her lips. My reaction? Oh God, did I ever love it. She looked upon me as if I was both Satan and her sensitive lover at the same time. Wow. Fear in her eyes? Passion? Worry? I did not fucking know and took charge immediately. Pants went flying along with my control. I had to have her. The drug. The needle. The heroin. Within moments Ellie was shoved to the bed and positioned in any manner I required for satiating everything within. Once again I reduced myself to a singular purpose... Sending that delicate sex into the clouds until finally Ellie grabbed at my face with teary eyes and let flow the kisses.

'Fuck, lover.'

After a long period of holding each other with my blood in need of satisfaction, I turned that little kitten, centered my gaze on her waiting rear, and took her with power uncontrollable. Hair flying, whimpering, drooling. I pushed and pulled as if I was attempting to erase the idea of leaving and replace it with only the passion which took us over. Ellie bounced against me like an animal (Juliette!) for minutes until we fell in a heap. We laid there and held each other into the afternoon, blissful and warm. And depressed. Fuck.

I held the kitten close and tried to reconcile myself with the idea of that most important of comfort being absent from my life, and soon. Her beautiful skin was all over me and I was going to miss the closeness which had been propping me up for weeks. Without a loving female upon which to rest myself, I had to hold it together alone. That was a power absent from my abilities for years. Ellie right next to me and glancing at my eyes every now and then reminded me of others doing the same... Comfort, understanding, caring. Living without that from a woman was something in which I was unpracticed. And learning anything after so much reckless and haphazard decision making seemed impossible. The girl was so perfectly aligned with my needs and I hers (she just wished for the physical contact from a person with a heart). Hours from that point I pictured myself without an outlet, a shoulder, or a loving pair of eyes looking upon me with that soulful heat. The thought became frightening just as it had many times before.

'Tomorrow, sweetheart.'
'Yes, I know. The trip is all set.'

She knew of my troubling situation after all of that time. She also knew I was scared to death of being alone for more than a few minutes. I had been reduced to needing attention like an infant. Nipples and all. Heh. Ellie just quietly held me, every now and then whispering that she had wished me met under different circumstances. I gently informed her that I was quite the pile of depression, insecurity and pain over the past few months, also pressing the idea that even in a better light I would eventually implode. The kitten disagreed and stated that I just required the right type of situation that bore happiness. She was so sweet to me that I just could not believe the good fortune at meeting when we did. Ellie understood, just as Andrea, but was much more together emotionally. She was balanced, and that allowed her to remain neutral about everything. What a girl. I felt so comfortable next to her heart and body that I decided to reveal another issue... The pain of my teenage years. Taking a ride through my time living in Colorado brought her to tears and she squeezed my hands as if I was the only link keeping her from falling off a bridge. Sobbing, she had few words. She also asked if our sexual connection had inflamed my problems to which I told her it was expected and manageable. More crying. I felt the familiar sensation which had caused so much fear, however just as I had confidently stated, I understood it after decades and knew how to keep myself afloat before, during, and after such pressure. Ellie began to stare and caress me which caused me to melt deeply. Not before the Brunette had I experienced such care. Andrea was the same... She knew all of it after weeks and looked upon me as if to constantly apologize. The Brunette had stared with sadness while I could only await her words and remain silent. Due to the amount of years since such an event, I did not feel disdain as in the past, only remorse.

'I could fall for you.'
'Please, no.'
'I know, my dear. I know. Let's clean up and get out of here for a while, ok?'

In the shower? More looking at me with sympathy. Tears. Loving eyes. Soft hands. God damn everything, Ellie was beyond my hopes at our first meeting. I had to try and steer clear of letting my heart get involved any more than it already had. Fuck, anyway. The next morning appeared that much worse after such a wonderful afternoon.


The gorgeous little kitten dressed herself in the last outfit she had brought along. Hmm. I began to find concern in every movement I made. Her last outfit. Last. I calculated that she would have worn that the morning I was to leave the resort, but there she was donning the lovely, tiny underthings right before my eyes and causing me to drool over the light colored lingerie. I hesitated to ask about Ellie spending the night due to the determination she had shown in pushing me to leave Vegas once and for all. My knotted stomach equaled no longer wishing for dinner. I immediately knew she would be exiting before the night had elapsed. Worry ensued, leaving me to wonder just when that kitten was going to walk away from me and my massive need. Fuck, and the flight in the morning. And sleeping alone again. Memories of Andrea. Just fuck. As Ellie's outfit took shape, she occasionally looked at me with big, emotional eyes which told me that her worry equaled mine. I did not like it one bit. Another hole began to form inside. A big one.

Upon seeing her beautiful clothing wrapped around such a loving soul, I faltered for the millionth time. I broke in half and slumped on the sofa. I had to know when she was leaving. I needed time to prepare myself for the drop, so I asked point blank of her plans. The reply was just what I expected: Ellie was going home after dinner. Damn it anyway. As much as I had hoped to sleep all wrapped up in her care, it was not going to happen. Ellie's mind was made up and she went further by explaining that I needed to begin a separation from the illusion and cozy damage of the goblet. She had heard the entire affair from SFO to the past weeks which led her to believe that snuggling with me for one more night of physical and emotional bliss was nothing more than an extension of all that brought me to such a point of addiction. Naturally -- and just like every single woman with an interest in helping me to help myself -- she was dead-on with such logic. Slowly the feelings eased as she sat with me and stared into my wrecked eyes, eventually leading us to reach an understanding as to the plan. Dinner, Ellie leaving, and me sleeping my way into a cab to McCarran in the morning. Splendid.

We cruised back out and toward the strip with a light lunch in mind. Ellie looked incredible in her soft jeans and skimpy tank. I kept imagining the lovely color underneath along with the loveliness within said color. She had such nice lingerie, every time. Nothing crazy or frilly, either. Just simple lace and satin. Jesus. Ellie was enough of a buffet that I did not really need food. Heh. She could see from my leering with painful eyes that the desire was taking me away from reality once again. A little squeeze of my hand and a smile telegraphed her sweet demeanor toward such a fucked up individual. Her understanding and calm nature again reminded me of Andrea, which then caused me distress over being without the angel attached to my hip. I instantly wished to be back in Florida and smothered by that loving woman at every step. Ellie was a tremendous help, though, and the gesture of holding my hand snugly somehow brought me solace. And then the words she knew were incoming...

'I need you.'
'I know, lover.' Smile. 'Don't worry, just relax.'

Right. Just relax. On the edge of being alone... Again. And just as I had suspected upon asking to spend time with the kitten, the damage had been extended. Andrea's exit left me more in need of loving arms than ever. Ellie allowed me to be near her for that same comfort, but the other option of leaving the goblet immediately after Andrea gazelled out of my sight just did not compute. I was too fucking weak for anything but female companionship, lots of alcohol, and some kind of control over my time. Ellie knew quite a bit, however she was still in the dark as to my motivation for running away in the first place. All she knew was the family trip idea and me taking a serious left turn. The beginnings of my fucked up head were a mystery. Asking me to simply relax and let things be was just too much. Her sweetness knew no bounds, though, so I let it go. And the need to which I referred had about a dozen facets -- not just the physical. Ugh.

Across to TI. Almost Ellie's disappearing time. Happiness diminishing.

As we entered the big club, my desire began to disallow any smiling. Ellie's hand was gripping mine as if to convey caring and comfort. The lights and activity pressed me down... All those happy couples (more or less), and grins of excitement took away my ability to be in the public eye. I stopped short of heading toward restaurant row and begged her to step back outside to allow me some thinking and to catch my breath. Ellie immediately spun us and returned to the slimming sunshine before asking of my trouble. I requested appetizers in my room and promised that the importance was not ripping off her beautiful clothing. Without a word she tugged at me in the direction of the overpass which calmed me a bit. I knew she would help as much as possible and cooled off enough to make it back to the Venetian. Upon entering, the kitten stopped short and looked into my eyes. I knew something serious was incoming. Fuck. There was no hesitation when she informed me that we had to dine in public. Oy. She also stated that the idea of my being around others -- strangers, for fuck's sake -- was necessary if I was to reenter daily life. God damn it all. Those several moments with the two of us paused on the edge of the gaming area felt like an eternity and completely removed my hopes for slathering her again. Desire dropped off, I began to tear up, and Ellie responded with a long hug before professing her deep caring.

'You're wonderful and I need to know you'll survive, ok lover?'

Ellie smacked me on the ass and began to tow me along once again. Into the Canal Shoppes and through to my favorite restaurant. We sidled to the Delmonico bar as my appetite began to disappear. Cocktails, fear, longing, worry. Nothing more. I continued to drop in spite of the kitten constantly attached to me. Two drinks and into the dining room for a cozy booth. Hiding in the corner always helped me feel more at ease, even before being so fucked up over females and their form. The frustration began to reduce my bliss with her beautiful presence and the dim seclusion. By the time our crafted food arrived I was halfway into the ground over worry.

I could barely touch the lovely lunch, and light as it was. Ellie saw everything, whispering loving words at each opportunity. That was the shortest visit to the Delmonico ever. Normally I would have been happy to sit there and slowly enjoy everything such a great place had to offer, but my head was a blender again and the idea of enjoyment of anything was becoming vapor. We exited with hands clasped, rolled to the elevator, and up to my room. Every step found the turmoil in my stomach worsening. Ellie... Almost gone. Almost. I still had a bit of time to try convincing the kitten that one more night of holding her warmth would be wonderful. Nope. Ellie took my hands and pleaded her case for my survival before dropping her head to my chest and whispering how much she was going to miss me. Oh God, that was killing me from the inside out. Two days and we were that close. Fucking hell, anyway. She held me gently while my hands gripped at her little body out of desperation. I needed her near me, however the kitten's mind was set. We were done. One look at her sad eyes told me everything. She broke away, packed up her few things, kissed me with a tear, and let go. Door open, door closed, as I heard her beginning to cry. And then I did. The physical aspects no longer existed as my body felt the loss of companionship again. Fucking alone. Damn it all.

Once again, a caring and understanding woman walked out the door of my hotel room. How many? Who the fuck cares. The situation was one more notch down and one less reason to care about my future. The horizon I gazed upon so often had been reduced to a flight. At least I was going to the airport alone. Originally, Ellie's intention was to spy me all the way through security before leaving. Thankfully she had lightened up a bit, although the promises flew out of my mouth like a flock of finches. She trusted me. Yikes. I stood there, alone, and mused of all that had left me standing so many times before. The dim lighting and lingering scent of Ellie's perfume were spinning me. A little bit further down.


Almost immediately the room spoke to me. It spoke clearly and with demanding tone. My head resonated like a reverse anechoic chamber with memories both good and bad. Crying sessions with Andrea, the weekend of my wedding, Ellie's little ass all over my face, and the screaming silence of being truly alone. I fell hard. I fell right on my face and had to get the fuck out of there. Down, across, straight to the Palazzo casino bar. My hand shook as I sipped. Bad, bad, just bad. I had no clue as to how to proceed with anything other than sitting and drowning out all of the women and all of the past with an endless supply of booze. No idea what the fuck to do. Drink more? Hell yes. That was all I had left. I sat, swilled, and dropped through the floor.

After a long while the bartender looked upon me as if I was in need of therapy and coffee. Time to go to the haunted room and order food. I did exactly that in hopes that the plush dinner and extras may assist me in keeping upright and provide some lavish care. I was accustomed to it, however not typically alone. Having a soul with which to share my extravagance was primary over all other concerns. That night was not the same. Alone, in every conceivable way. I sunk into the sofa and awaited a knock. Even that thought -- listening for someone at the door -- was trying. The last time my lock spun was Ellie's arrival. Yet another beginning which led to yet another end. A bad one, involving all of what had taken place for weeks. Perhaps the time to fly was actually at hand. Room service arrived and I was immediately reminded of dining alone in my Luxor spa room before meeting Jasmine nine years earlier. That was lobster, salad, beer, and coffee, leading me across the street to speak with Lena (and that is another story). Lena wished to discuss my mental state and emotional condition. The Venetian room became haunted even more by memories of past years and dining at a high level but so alone that I could hardly stand it. Haunted.

Fucking haunted.

What in the blue fuck could I do but flee the goblet and fly back to the Slipper and the options it provided? There seemed no other choice, so I wrenched my head out of my ass and opened the confirmation for my first class seat to SFO. Upon receipt of the ticket, the machine in my head began to compute moves for alleviating the pain of being alone and surrounded by memories. Key among those was Andrea and her huge, loving heart after having been fused to mine for weeks. At no time prior to her exit from my life was my own exit more illuminated. Not even when the Luxor hotel room door slammed upon Juliette leaving. Ashley? That was not as bad due to me not developing deep feelings for that living doll. Ellie? The same, although like Juliette she lived in Vegas and as such seemed closer. Ashley lived there too, but that was more of a short fling than romance. Andrea was the key to my survival. I had to remain understanding and respectful of her wishes. Those memories were at the forefront and caused more of a battle than anything else. The fight within myself was overpowering on occasion, leaving me a painful fucking pile of self-defeating thoughts and very narrow options. I did my best to place everything to the side and relax with dinner. That was not easy, but the lush life I had been living had often been quite therapeutic and helped to keep me above ground. During those moments the aloneness was tolerable. I had time. Thank Christ.

Steak. Bourbon. Hellish memories.

Afterward I ventured down to the club in hopes of some distraction from the ghosts in my room. My head spun with thoughts of Andrea's beauty slathered all over me for days, and those big eyes projecting love constantly. Everything hurt deeply. The woman was so much to me that her exit felt like someone grabbed half of me and ripped it away. The remaining half seemed only capable of further damage. Yes... Ellie and her sweetness. And her lovely little drug that I failed to resist. Would she be the last? Probably, because my flight was set and the accelerator pedal in the Slipper was awaiting my foot. To the casino bar in the big Palazzo along with my head reeling from the thought of going home. Andrea. Ellie. Home. Fuck.

The bartender was gorgeous, tall, alluring, and with hair I wished to taste. Jesus fuck, still a wreck and half in the bag from dinner. She smiled and my head swam into her pants. Great. Another beauty in front of me and I was syndrome. I threw out a heavy hook in hopes of a snag. As soon as the words flew off my tongue I felt deep regret and very bad after vowing to care for myself. I had to keep thinking of Andrea being next to me with her kind eyes and loving heart. The bartender reacted with surprise at my clear proposition, smiled somewhat, and carried on with her work without a reply. That worried me even more. I received a glance every now and then. She seemed to be grinning and calculating something. While waiting for a response I kept drinking and dropping like a large stone through calm water. Drifting, falling, and zig-zagging my way to the bottom of everything. My flight was booked and plans were in place to pack my few things and exit the goblet in the morning. The bartender returned and shut the door on my request. She thanked me for the flattery but knew that my head was all fucked up. I could not disagree. The hour was late. Out, across, up, bed. I was done. Well done. Fuck. Sleep.


Ellie. Another woman who quickly became a part of my heart... Fucking gone. Every Goddamned time I fell off a cliff, but the latest female exit was followed almost immediately by my need to get the fuck out and over to McCarran. Ugh, to the limit. I pushed back for a while and stood my ground until I realized that being so close to finally leaving my dreams behind and moving away from the destruction had to be embraced. I hailed a cab and hauled my sordid and confused ass to the airport. Done. Out. I did it. I took a step toward the other destruction... That which I had left behind without a caring thought. Through the terminal and the last views of the sex, money, and alcoholic culture before flying away from everything which brought me joy. Temporary joy, but such nonetheless.

Flight. Booze. Attendants looking at me like I was a syndrome to be avoided at all costs. I was just that.

The terminal at SFO looked like an alien planet. Where were the table games? Slot machines? Bars? Cocktail servers? None of it. I was so close to home that the smell of the ocean was both welcoming and frightening. The Brunette was out there, somewhere. The home I left behind. Family members who had been shelved for weeks in favor of my delusion. The Slipper sitting idle for days and days outside the Brunette's apartment. She had dropped me at the airport God-knows how many weeks earlier with the understanding that I was visiting family for six nights and flying home. Holy shit. The fear mounted as I made my way through to the ground transportation exit. Hands shaking, in need of a drink, and worried about all of the reactions I may have been approaching. Outside to the curb. Taxi. Slipper a while later.

Dead. Only a slight click and very dim lighting upon attempting to start the car. Ugh. I called for assistance and within half an hour rolled out of town and to the highway. Where to go? I had no idea. I was home, for all intents and purposes, but had not plan one. I felt afraid of being around others and the single thought for the moment was to find someplace for gathering my thoughts. But where? How would I move forward? Did everyone hate me after disappearing for weeks without a word? More stress, more fear. I took to the steering wheel with the unsurprising need for a drink or ten. To the bar, parked, and inside for thinking space and anonymity. The location was far enough from others who may have known me to be a safe haven allowing me to plan a bit. I sat there wondering where to go when I was approached by the bartender who inquired as to my issues. She stated that I appeared in distress (every fucking bartender since 2003 read me like a book). I told her I needed some time to calculate what may be my best path forward. Or sideways. That series of cryptic responses drew her interest (why?) and prompted more conversation. She told me that the idea of being behind the bar, for her, was interaction with customers and that I seemed compelling all covered in hair, silk and jewelry. The tattoos lent a hand, too. So, with nothing to lose I decided to regale her with a condensed version of the past several weeks. Yikes.

As the opportunities arose between customers, she listened intently and commented seldom. After the beginnings of my affair with Andrea, I felt that gushing over the events was becoming easier so I kept going. Some details remained private, however the general ideas came across clearly. Three drinks in and she wished to hear more. Whaaaat? Fucking hell, why did that always happen? Was my rampant stupidity there to help others feel good about themselves due to my behavior being so out of balance? Or did they wish to live vicariously through my adventures? Neither. She simply found the story interesting. Further into the last few days leading up to my bar visit full of confusion and the girl was hooked. She wanted to spend time with me. Fuck. Again. Another Ellie? Lanie? Ashley? Why? I was a wreck.

What to do? Snatch her away and fly her to Vegas? Heh. No. Talk with her? Maybe. Reveal more? Fuck no. Enough already. I had gone on about things too much. The woman was dark and alluring but becoming closer than the other side of the bar was exactly what I had done all over the fucking place. Had anything helped? Only temporarily. The distraction from myself was too enticing to pass along. I needed it, but after weeks of being glued to Andrea and clinging to Ellie I knew another gentle soul with nice eyes would be the same... Bliss leading to loss. I had to steer clear. The bartender's eyes were not helping. My vein began to speak making an early exit necessary. Time to go.


Upon closing the check, she touched my hand briefly and my wheels began to rotate toward asking that most dangerous of questions. Hmm. Very dangerous, although time was still on my side. I thanked her for the attention and cruised out to the Slipper. My brain went through all permutations and possibilities at Internet speed before I stepped back out of the car and returned to that fucking barstool. I looked at her long hair and watched her ass as she moved about the bar before her eyes caught me. She strolled over and asked of my needs. Funny, those were not available for public consumption, nor were they on the menu. I told her clearly that I was pretty fucked up but dinner would be ok if she was prepared for such a thing. Yes. Oy. Yes? Wow. Plans made, numbers exchanged with a smile, out the door to gather myself. Immediately I received a message thanking me. Oy, again. That was quick. I cranked the LT5 and slid to the freeway. Before reaching the bridge my phone announced her contact three more times. Holy fuck, who was that girl? Upon arriving in Fremont for a bit of shopping, I saw that one of the messages was an image of her smiling. She asked for a return photo but I declined. No fucking photos could be left behind to capture moments of my life. She understood and confirmed dinner before dropping the conversation. Thank Christ.

I took care of business and then headed into one of the most haunted restaurants I have ever visited. The idea had been separation, but memories of the fateful day when I ran to the Brunette surfaced quickly. They nearly broke me until the fucking gorgeous bartender greeted me. Her name was Rae. Very nice. I had spent time there on many an occasion and always tried to visit on her beautiful shift. Bingo, there she was. I made nice despite my head spinning downward. The loveliness embraced my company -- as always -- and slid me some scotch as I dreamed of slipping her pants off. God damn my brain anyway. Half-track, at best. And then the other bartender swirling in there too. Fuck me. What was her fucking name? No idea. All I had was a phone number and some messages. Hmm. Hopefully her name was not Andrea. I wish that was funny, too. Another message asking where I had gone. Wow... Lots of attention from that girl. I sat and tried to decide if revealing my adventures and difficulties for those many months was a good idea. For whatever reason, I seemed to be attracting the most sensitive type of women along with much sympathy. Feeling that type of interest from others warmed me to a point and brought floods of Andrea and Juliette rushing through my heart. The messages from my bartender were uplifting and cute, meaning my attention toward her likely was about to increase. I knew where the boundary lay, but never respected my limits before. Place to place, person to person. I just continued to reach for those loving arms and soft shoulders. Within me was a hole. I could not keep myself up alone.

I sat a while and enjoyed some light food and alcohol, along with the loveliness visiting when her duties permitted. More words from the other cutie popped up here and there, the last of which indicating she had left work for the day and hoped to talk with me. That kicked the thinking into high gear as I imagined another little fling and that familiar end. Ugh. Big up followed by an even bigger down. I had no wish to take that path again, but historically the odds of me avoiding a woman reaching in my direction were slim at best. I needed to sit tight and keep the conversation simple. Rae gave me necessary space as I pondered what to do and where to go. She asked nothing, as always, and simply glanced in my direction here and there. At one point I felt the need to get away from that long, black hair so I paid the check, told Rae how stunning she was, and left for the bridge again.

Upon reaching the ocean, I tossed the Slipper to the parking lot below the Brunette's apartment. Looking up above the market I spied those familiar sunglasses on her balcony followed by a tentative wave. My nerves shook me and matched the ocean's power as I stepped toward my previous home. Pause. I stood and sent word to the bartender of a time and place. She replied almost immediately in the positive. Ok, that was done. I had no idea of what to expect from a new contact, however the need to gush my stories and feelings was beginning to mount. Stairs, walkway, knock, knock.

And there she was. Again."