Anno 2011 read ( words) [04/30/11 20:59 pdt] The more things change... The site is live once again, and after such a hiatus as it has not previously known. The downtrodden continues, but in forms unbelievable. Such differences between now and the last time I worked this markup! Such differences, indeed. We are pleased to see the living site - this is true - but the circumstances could be equally pleasing. Trying times at every step now, and efforts in support of improvement do continue. The lover I have known so intimately which has attempted to kill me time and time again is now long gone. Memories of sauced evenings in front of this editor are pleasant, but we are better for the distance... Much better. The difficulties ahead would be insurmountable in the all-too-familiar drunken stupor. The fact is that we will have enough to deal with. Plenty. So, the shiny work will continue here, and that continuance is yet another reason to draw breath. We have missed the interface, and it us. A few notes, before we proceed: Many of the pages are in disarray and a few references to the old site name and URL will be apparent in the short term. Adjustments to the backend do take time. Also, the crawler section will be in need of tidying until I can get into that work once again. Since being tossed to the wolves a few weeks ago, my shop time will not return and the process of completion is far off... Even further than before. That section will remain, but updates will be scarce at best. Onward and into the beyond we go. [05-06-2011 19:29pst] Fascinating times right now... Unnerving, but fascinating. As the clock and planet roll, I roll with them. I know not what else to do. I am floating along with the detritus and scratching at every moment for the edge of this river. Scratching, just as Ozzy does with his trees. Oh how I wish for something to help define this period -- something clear, concise, and sudden. Something, indeed. Well, I can wait. I look to the left and the sea is waiting for travelers; I look to the right and the door is waiting to be opened; I look ahead and the cat bathes. Hmm. Perhaps I should bathe, too... In the warmth of positive and constructive thinking. Just hmm. Wait and bathe, bathe and wait. What else is there right now? More movies? More painting? Perhaps. I am not at a wall, however. I am merely waiting patiently for the will to push. I need it as I need the sea to rest calmly at my left and show me possibility, connection, and vast wonder. The will shall arrive. I know this is true. Until I see it approach, the painting, creating, walking, shooting, and comfort must remain. They help me at every moment. Such help. Headache. I should eat. Be well, all. [05/10/2011 22:11pst] Sitting among my paintings and red-orange illumination is quite relaxing. This is an atmosphere I need often and in abundance. I am certainly happy that it is available just now. I love it so... Despite the shower in one adjacent apartment flowing for hours, and the booming stereo and overly loud conversation in another. This place is comfort like I have not known for years. In Dublin I did have the top-floor view and cozy living space, but this area is cool (much cooler than the Tri-Valley, for sure) and peaceful. I hear the freeway this evening, but the sound is subdued. Today's trip to the local vet allowed me some conversation with two technicians who live in the area. Both expressed the same interest which drew me... Small-town feel and mellow climate. Of course, we also discussed the fog, and that is simply a coastal fact -- especially in this little haven. Not much fog yet this season, but it is coming. I welcome it just as I welcomed the cooler, cloudy fall days in the valley. The climate here is perfect for me. I need not worry about overheating most of the time and the nights are always cool. I love it so far. Another comfort is sitting in front of this editor and pondering the markup as I did so often in the past. I always found comfort in the simple expression of code and control. I still do. This good feeling is furthered by the occasional visits from my adorable companion and his furry presence on the desk. He brings a loving warmth to this cocoon of mine, and I would have it no other way. As I type these sentences he has passed for a few moments of love and affection and then set himself upon the foot of the bed looking cuter than should be allowed. As much as I enjoy and find myself in this apartment, it felt not as a home until my new friend moved in. I love him, and he brings a joy to my life I have not felt in years. Warmth I shall continue this road. I enjoy the work, the technical aspects of the backend, and the idea of an audience. That last part may be mostly in my head, but such matters not. I feel the connection, the expression, the outlet; I feel the spidering, the simplicity of the web, the possibility of upward feelings; I know this is good for me and I know I will improve myself ever so slightly from the cathartic release which has for years brought me peace. Be well, all. I certainly will. [06/13/2011 21:31pst] "This evening while sitting and gazing at the sea, the high fog was allowing sunlight through to the water miles out to the west. It was beautiful beyond my description. Glistening, glowing, rolling water illuminated intermittently and filling my head with thoughts of peace. I love it so. I continue to plod along with the business of downsizing my possessions. So far, so good. Many things have gone out the door, either sold, given, or tossed to the bin. This has been going on for a couple of months now and is helping me to realize that many of the material things I have owned really did nothing for me. While hobbies are nice to keep the boredom away, too many just add up to a cluttered mess. And despite my continuing commitment to the endless truck build, without access to machinery I am restricted to the electronics design. Even that will eventually cease due to cost. The whole thing makes me sad until I am reminded of something a good friend related to me a few years ago: 'The journey has become more important than the end result'. I cannot disagree. The continuing design and fabrication was always enjoyable. It still is. Of course, nothing related to the truck has been sold or discarded, and I must say that looking at it serves two purposes now. One, I realize the creativity within me, and two, the truck serves as a reminder of the workplace I miss. One up and one down. Still, I do love to look at it and remember the drive I once possessed. That is mostly gone now, and I continue with the electronics quite slowly. Time will tell what becomes of that machine. It is a beauty, I will admit. All of my overly-anal hardware selections really have paid off (to me, anyway). As well they should, too... I have spent an obscene amount of money on the stainless and ensured that everything matched. Geeky, yes, but still... It is gorgeous to look at. Even if it never runs, the shelf value cannot be overstated. I must say that I am very proud of the work done on this. This evening is nice and quiet. Despite new neighbors moving in next door, the building is peaceful. Just the occasional sounds from the highway and the snoozing (read: snoring) bundle on my lap :-) Wellness. Very nice. [07/02/2011 21:57 pdt] Scenes of summer. Today's excursion into the city was nice on many levels... Coffee, conversation, a lovely lunch, sunshine, colors, and of course, photography. Hours of exploring and shooting have yielded a few decent views being injected into my camera. Not many, mind you, but enough to help me along in the belief that I am improving (of course, my camera is now out of my possession as a result of my incessant yammering over the fact that I do not believe myself a photographer by any stretch. As of now, it's just me and the iPhone cameras). Maybe I'll get the big-boy camera back soon ;-) My day has also shown me the wonderfully diverse culture to which I now live so close. I do love it. All of the people who make up that great city were out in force as a result of the jazz festival and beautifully warm weather. Everywhere the eye could look, smiles were seen. Smiles and laughing aplenty. Many languages, differing smells of ethnic foods, and all of the bright faces from around the globe contributed to endless wonder. One soul in particular who was showing paintings of African scenes and stories really stood out. This man was friendly and open to everyone and more than willing to share the rich history and dramatic beauty of his homeland. The few moments spent perusing those works stood out as some of the most fascinating and moving of the day. He still remains within my thoughts even all these hours later. As with all the trips into that great city, this one will be remembered for years. Back home and I began to hear the goings on of a wedding elsewhere in the neighborhood. Such a celebration, it was. Music and voices and uproar as only a wedding and reception can produce. As I look across the homes and business of the day passing by outside, it's nice to feel the resonance of love, family and friendship as only that kind of occasion can produce. I feel for them... I feel the joy and hope. I feel the love, and I feel the desire to look ahead with conviction. Internet is down... Dogs are barking... Text is flowing... I am sleepy." [11/15/2011 10:13pst] "Wow, I don't post much here anymore. I no longer see much point. This site sits still when I don't say much, and when I do no one is there to read it. I guess I never should have let that search engine reference go. Oh, well. Such matters not any longer." [11/23/2011 06:03pst] "Darkness all around. Even the LED lamps are barely glowing. Just darkness. Sitting here for the last few hours has been fairly comfortable despite the cool. I do prefer the cool (as past readers know, many a paragraph here have been in support of the cooler climate as well as more temperate locales), so this early morning stuff is welcomed. My chair leaves a bit to be desired, however. Perhaps a pillow might help. Just enough light outside to see the white in the crashing waves. I can't hear them, though... the hour is late and cars are beginning to rush by on 1. The pier must be open, too. The fishing souls are out already. So, and so. This month has flown by (just as all the others since I have come to this place). Only a day from the holiday now. One day. I was in the city on Monday to bring my watch to the service center. That place is in the shopping district and there were plenty of people there with the rush of Christmas on their minds and in their steps. The area was not crowded, but that is coming soon. I remember being there last year on black Friday and nary a piece of cement could be seen. So many shoppers rushing about in the midday cool. That was a fun trip but we were not there to shop. We walked, ate, drank, and watched others. In fact, because of being so detached from the holiday season we were not expecting the crowds. A short BART ride plopped us into the Powell/Stockton soup and upon emerging from the station the rush was apparent. We had not realized the date. We took that trip so very often back then... Into the downtown stations for walking and sometimes lunch or drinks (mostly drinks). This was before I had the Nikon so all the photos were with the phone. Despite not having a good camera there were still many interesting sights to capture. If I remember correctly, that was the first trip to the city since I had installed the Hipstamatic. So many good memories from that time, but also so much turmoil. As different as I could have helped to make the situation, perhaps that was mostly out of anyone's control. Sometimes things have a momentum all their own and we are at the mercy of such for the most part. Once they are set to roll... All done. Fallout remains. 0700 sharp. Very light outside now. Too bad. I like it dark. Perhaps the time has come to throw the drapes and continue the coziness. I even turned on the heater thanks to the leaky door seals. I must remain as comfortable as possible. Maybe a smoke first, then the drapes. Darkness we feel. And... We go. Ahh... that's better. I made it night in here once again. Very nice. This is the last business day before the holiday so I would imagine many will be rushing about to get things in order. For me? Not so much. I will be here, holed up yet again, and seeking the alone time of which I have been in so much need lately. It is good for the most part... I can think and relax, do some cleaning, a bit of typing, and keep the meals cheap and simple. After all of the recent paperwork and need to conduct business, staying in for the holiday feels fairly good. Kind of comfortable, I guess. I don't like thinking of last year anymore. Time has passed, to be sure, but still those moments attempt invasion into my head and heart too often. Some things must be let go while others should be kept in mind in order to learn. That is the toughie... Burning away irrelevancy to end up with a pure product -- the truth. Facing such a thing is equally trying. It takes time and patience. On top of that, I have things such as the photo below injecting memories into me... That was Christmas day, 2010, on Green Street in SF. Funny... Green Street in an Irish pub which is always lit with green. Heh. If I could only smile about it now. Woe is me anymore. Those times are gone. Just so fucking gone. I just hope the alcohol back then was not as much of a necessity as it is beginning to seem. That would be sad. 0747. And now the silly cats feel the need to play around the foot of the drapes, thus showing me little tidbits of daylight. Hopefully they will calm soon or find interest elsewhere for I need it damned dark in here. Damned. Dark. I certainly am glad that I have no business out in town. Staying put is paramount right now. LEDs are off, and the sky outside is somewhat overcast leaving the mood in here rather nice. Better than nothing, I suppose. These late days have shown me that getting through any emotional difficulty may actually be beyond my abilities. Try, try, try, and still I sit here as the same shitty wreck as in the beginning. As many years passed as that has become, I have not learned a thing. I have been told that such is entirely up to me. Hmm. Perhaps, and perhaps not. I cannot help but believe that some individuals do not have the capacity and/or the time in this life to find the capability for rising above, strengthening, or finding their own peace. Of course, I am just one among billions and as such I can only speak of myself, though. As much as we are similar, we are also vastly different. That much simply cannot be argued no matter the circumstances. To 2012 This site contains mature content Created by REN in Microsoft Visual Studio 2022 Copyright ©2002-2024 Brandywine Engineering All rights reserved All other trademarks, logos and graphics are the property of their respective owners Questions? Comments? Gather your thoughts and compose a message to the assholes in charge
Anno 2011 read ( words) [04/30/11 20:59 pdt] The more things change... The site is live once again, and after such a hiatus as it has not previously known. The downtrodden continues, but in forms unbelievable. Such differences between now and the last time I worked this markup! Such differences, indeed. We are pleased to see the living site - this is true - but the circumstances could be equally pleasing. Trying times at every step now, and efforts in support of improvement do continue. The lover I have known so intimately which has attempted to kill me time and time again is now long gone. Memories of sauced evenings in front of this editor are pleasant, but we are better for the distance... Much better. The difficulties ahead would be insurmountable in the all-too-familiar drunken stupor. The fact is that we will have enough to deal with. Plenty. So, the shiny work will continue here, and that continuance is yet another reason to draw breath. We have missed the interface, and it us. A few notes, before we proceed: Many of the pages are in disarray and a few references to the old site name and URL will be apparent in the short term. Adjustments to the backend do take time. Also, the crawler section will be in need of tidying until I can get into that work once again. Since being tossed to the wolves a few weeks ago, my shop time will not return and the process of completion is far off... Even further than before. That section will remain, but updates will be scarce at best. Onward and into the beyond we go. [05-06-2011 19:29pst] Fascinating times right now... Unnerving, but fascinating. As the clock and planet roll, I roll with them. I know not what else to do. I am floating along with the detritus and scratching at every moment for the edge of this river. Scratching, just as Ozzy does with his trees. Oh how I wish for something to help define this period -- something clear, concise, and sudden. Something, indeed. Well, I can wait. I look to the left and the sea is waiting for travelers; I look to the right and the door is waiting to be opened; I look ahead and the cat bathes. Hmm. Perhaps I should bathe, too... In the warmth of positive and constructive thinking. Just hmm. Wait and bathe, bathe and wait. What else is there right now? More movies? More painting? Perhaps. I am not at a wall, however. I am merely waiting patiently for the will to push. I need it as I need the sea to rest calmly at my left and show me possibility, connection, and vast wonder. The will shall arrive. I know this is true. Until I see it approach, the painting, creating, walking, shooting, and comfort must remain. They help me at every moment. Such help. Headache. I should eat. Be well, all. [05/10/2011 22:11pst] Sitting among my paintings and red-orange illumination is quite relaxing. This is an atmosphere I need often and in abundance. I am certainly happy that it is available just now. I love it so... Despite the shower in one adjacent apartment flowing for hours, and the booming stereo and overly loud conversation in another. This place is comfort like I have not known for years. In Dublin I did have the top-floor view and cozy living space, but this area is cool (much cooler than the Tri-Valley, for sure) and peaceful. I hear the freeway this evening, but the sound is subdued. Today's trip to the local vet allowed me some conversation with two technicians who live in the area. Both expressed the same interest which drew me... Small-town feel and mellow climate. Of course, we also discussed the fog, and that is simply a coastal fact -- especially in this little haven. Not much fog yet this season, but it is coming. I welcome it just as I welcomed the cooler, cloudy fall days in the valley. The climate here is perfect for me. I need not worry about overheating most of the time and the nights are always cool. I love it so far. Another comfort is sitting in front of this editor and pondering the markup as I did so often in the past. I always found comfort in the simple expression of code and control. I still do. This good feeling is furthered by the occasional visits from my adorable companion and his furry presence on the desk. He brings a loving warmth to this cocoon of mine, and I would have it no other way. As I type these sentences he has passed for a few moments of love and affection and then set himself upon the foot of the bed looking cuter than should be allowed. As much as I enjoy and find myself in this apartment, it felt not as a home until my new friend moved in. I love him, and he brings a joy to my life I have not felt in years. Warmth I shall continue this road. I enjoy the work, the technical aspects of the backend, and the idea of an audience. That last part may be mostly in my head, but such matters not. I feel the connection, the expression, the outlet; I feel the spidering, the simplicity of the web, the possibility of upward feelings; I know this is good for me and I know I will improve myself ever so slightly from the cathartic release which has for years brought me peace. Be well, all. I certainly will. [06/13/2011 21:31pst] "This evening while sitting and gazing at the sea, the high fog was allowing sunlight through to the water miles out to the west. It was beautiful beyond my description. Glistening, glowing, rolling water illuminated intermittently and filling my head with thoughts of peace. I love it so. I continue to plod along with the business of downsizing my possessions. So far, so good. Many things have gone out the door, either sold, given, or tossed to the bin. This has been going on for a couple of months now and is helping me to realize that many of the material things I have owned really did nothing for me. While hobbies are nice to keep the boredom away, too many just add up to a cluttered mess. And despite my continuing commitment to the endless truck build, without access to machinery I am restricted to the electronics design. Even that will eventually cease due to cost. The whole thing makes me sad until I am reminded of something a good friend related to me a few years ago: 'The journey has become more important than the end result'. I cannot disagree. The continuing design and fabrication was always enjoyable. It still is. Of course, nothing related to the truck has been sold or discarded, and I must say that looking at it serves two purposes now. One, I realize the creativity within me, and two, the truck serves as a reminder of the workplace I miss. One up and one down. Still, I do love to look at it and remember the drive I once possessed. That is mostly gone now, and I continue with the electronics quite slowly. Time will tell what becomes of that machine. It is a beauty, I will admit. All of my overly-anal hardware selections really have paid off (to me, anyway). As well they should, too... I have spent an obscene amount of money on the stainless and ensured that everything matched. Geeky, yes, but still... It is gorgeous to look at. Even if it never runs, the shelf value cannot be overstated. I must say that I am very proud of the work done on this. This evening is nice and quiet. Despite new neighbors moving in next door, the building is peaceful. Just the occasional sounds from the highway and the snoozing (read: snoring) bundle on my lap :-) Wellness. Very nice. [07/02/2011 21:57 pdt] Scenes of summer. Today's excursion into the city was nice on many levels... Coffee, conversation, a lovely lunch, sunshine, colors, and of course, photography. Hours of exploring and shooting have yielded a few decent views being injected into my camera. Not many, mind you, but enough to help me along in the belief that I am improving (of course, my camera is now out of my possession as a result of my incessant yammering over the fact that I do not believe myself a photographer by any stretch. As of now, it's just me and the iPhone cameras). Maybe I'll get the big-boy camera back soon ;-) My day has also shown me the wonderfully diverse culture to which I now live so close. I do love it. All of the people who make up that great city were out in force as a result of the jazz festival and beautifully warm weather. Everywhere the eye could look, smiles were seen. Smiles and laughing aplenty. Many languages, differing smells of ethnic foods, and all of the bright faces from around the globe contributed to endless wonder. One soul in particular who was showing paintings of African scenes and stories really stood out. This man was friendly and open to everyone and more than willing to share the rich history and dramatic beauty of his homeland. The few moments spent perusing those works stood out as some of the most fascinating and moving of the day. He still remains within my thoughts even all these hours later. As with all the trips into that great city, this one will be remembered for years. Back home and I began to hear the goings on of a wedding elsewhere in the neighborhood. Such a celebration, it was. Music and voices and uproar as only a wedding and reception can produce. As I look across the homes and business of the day passing by outside, it's nice to feel the resonance of love, family and friendship as only that kind of occasion can produce. I feel for them... I feel the joy and hope. I feel the love, and I feel the desire to look ahead with conviction. Internet is down... Dogs are barking... Text is flowing... I am sleepy." [11/15/2011 10:13pst] "Wow, I don't post much here anymore. I no longer see much point. This site sits still when I don't say much, and when I do no one is there to read it. I guess I never should have let that search engine reference go. Oh, well. Such matters not any longer." [11/23/2011 06:03pst] "Darkness all around. Even the LED lamps are barely glowing. Just darkness. Sitting here for the last few hours has been fairly comfortable despite the cool. I do prefer the cool (as past readers know, many a paragraph here have been in support of the cooler climate as well as more temperate locales), so this early morning stuff is welcomed. My chair leaves a bit to be desired, however. Perhaps a pillow might help. Just enough light outside to see the white in the crashing waves. I can't hear them, though... the hour is late and cars are beginning to rush by on 1. The pier must be open, too. The fishing souls are out already. So, and so. This month has flown by (just as all the others since I have come to this place). Only a day from the holiday now. One day. I was in the city on Monday to bring my watch to the service center. That place is in the shopping district and there were plenty of people there with the rush of Christmas on their minds and in their steps. The area was not crowded, but that is coming soon. I remember being there last year on black Friday and nary a piece of cement could be seen. So many shoppers rushing about in the midday cool. That was a fun trip but we were not there to shop. We walked, ate, drank, and watched others. In fact, because of being so detached from the holiday season we were not expecting the crowds. A short BART ride plopped us into the Powell/Stockton soup and upon emerging from the station the rush was apparent. We had not realized the date. We took that trip so very often back then... Into the downtown stations for walking and sometimes lunch or drinks (mostly drinks). This was before I had the Nikon so all the photos were with the phone. Despite not having a good camera there were still many interesting sights to capture. If I remember correctly, that was the first trip to the city since I had installed the Hipstamatic. So many good memories from that time, but also so much turmoil. As different as I could have helped to make the situation, perhaps that was mostly out of anyone's control. Sometimes things have a momentum all their own and we are at the mercy of such for the most part. Once they are set to roll... All done. Fallout remains. 0700 sharp. Very light outside now. Too bad. I like it dark. Perhaps the time has come to throw the drapes and continue the coziness. I even turned on the heater thanks to the leaky door seals. I must remain as comfortable as possible. Maybe a smoke first, then the drapes. Darkness we feel. And... We go. Ahh... that's better. I made it night in here once again. Very nice. This is the last business day before the holiday so I would imagine many will be rushing about to get things in order. For me? Not so much. I will be here, holed up yet again, and seeking the alone time of which I have been in so much need lately. It is good for the most part... I can think and relax, do some cleaning, a bit of typing, and keep the meals cheap and simple. After all of the recent paperwork and need to conduct business, staying in for the holiday feels fairly good. Kind of comfortable, I guess. I don't like thinking of last year anymore. Time has passed, to be sure, but still those moments attempt invasion into my head and heart too often. Some things must be let go while others should be kept in mind in order to learn. That is the toughie... Burning away irrelevancy to end up with a pure product -- the truth. Facing such a thing is equally trying. It takes time and patience. On top of that, I have things such as the photo below injecting memories into me... That was Christmas day, 2010, on Green Street in SF. Funny... Green Street in an Irish pub which is always lit with green. Heh. If I could only smile about it now. Woe is me anymore. Those times are gone. Just so fucking gone. I just hope the alcohol back then was not as much of a necessity as it is beginning to seem. That would be sad. 0747. And now the silly cats feel the need to play around the foot of the drapes, thus showing me little tidbits of daylight. Hopefully they will calm soon or find interest elsewhere for I need it damned dark in here. Damned. Dark. I certainly am glad that I have no business out in town. Staying put is paramount right now. LEDs are off, and the sky outside is somewhat overcast leaving the mood in here rather nice. Better than nothing, I suppose. These late days have shown me that getting through any emotional difficulty may actually be beyond my abilities. Try, try, try, and still I sit here as the same shitty wreck as in the beginning. As many years passed as that has become, I have not learned a thing. I have been told that such is entirely up to me. Hmm. Perhaps, and perhaps not. I cannot help but believe that some individuals do not have the capacity and/or the time in this life to find the capability for rising above, strengthening, or finding their own peace. Of course, I am just one among billions and as such I can only speak of myself, though. As much as we are similar, we are also vastly different. That much simply cannot be argued no matter the circumstances. To 2012
Anno 2011
read ( words)
[04/30/11 20:59 pdt] The more things change... The site is live once again, and after such a hiatus as it has not previously known. The downtrodden continues, but in forms unbelievable. Such differences between now and the last time I worked this markup! Such differences, indeed. We are pleased to see the living site - this is true - but the circumstances could be equally pleasing. Trying times at every step now, and efforts in support of improvement do continue. The lover I have known so intimately which has attempted to kill me time and time again is now long gone. Memories of sauced evenings in front of this editor are pleasant, but we are better for the distance... Much better. The difficulties ahead would be insurmountable in the all-too-familiar drunken stupor. The fact is that we will have enough to deal with. Plenty. So, the shiny work will continue here, and that continuance is yet another reason to draw breath. We have missed the interface, and it us. A few notes, before we proceed: Many of the pages are in disarray and a few references to the old site name and URL will be apparent in the short term. Adjustments to the backend do take time. Also, the crawler section will be in need of tidying until I can get into that work once again. Since being tossed to the wolves a few weeks ago, my shop time will not return and the process of completion is far off... Even further than before. That section will remain, but updates will be scarce at best. Onward and into the beyond we go.
[05-06-2011 19:29pst] Fascinating times right now... Unnerving, but fascinating. As the clock and planet roll, I roll with them. I know not what else to do. I am floating along with the detritus and scratching at every moment for the edge of this river. Scratching, just as Ozzy does with his trees. Oh how I wish for something to help define this period -- something clear, concise, and sudden. Something, indeed. Well, I can wait. I look to the left and the sea is waiting for travelers; I look to the right and the door is waiting to be opened; I look ahead and the cat bathes. Hmm. Perhaps I should bathe, too... In the warmth of positive and constructive thinking. Just hmm. Wait and bathe, bathe and wait. What else is there right now? More movies? More painting? Perhaps. I am not at a wall, however. I am merely waiting patiently for the will to push. I need it as I need the sea to rest calmly at my left and show me possibility, connection, and vast wonder. The will shall arrive. I know this is true. Until I see it approach, the painting, creating, walking, shooting, and comfort must remain. They help me at every moment. Such help. Headache. I should eat. Be well, all.
[05/10/2011 22:11pst] Sitting among my paintings and red-orange illumination is quite relaxing. This is an atmosphere I need often and in abundance. I am certainly happy that it is available just now. I love it so... Despite the shower in one adjacent apartment flowing for hours, and the booming stereo and overly loud conversation in another. This place is comfort like I have not known for years. In Dublin I did have the top-floor view and cozy living space, but this area is cool (much cooler than the Tri-Valley, for sure) and peaceful. I hear the freeway this evening, but the sound is subdued. Today's trip to the local vet allowed me some conversation with two technicians who live in the area. Both expressed the same interest which drew me... Small-town feel and mellow climate. Of course, we also discussed the fog, and that is simply a coastal fact -- especially in this little haven. Not much fog yet this season, but it is coming. I welcome it just as I welcomed the cooler, cloudy fall days in the valley. The climate here is perfect for me. I need not worry about overheating most of the time and the nights are always cool. I love it so far. Another comfort is sitting in front of this editor and pondering the markup as I did so often in the past. I always found comfort in the simple expression of code and control. I still do. This good feeling is furthered by the occasional visits from my adorable companion and his furry presence on the desk. He brings a loving warmth to this cocoon of mine, and I would have it no other way. As I type these sentences he has passed for a few moments of love and affection and then set himself upon the foot of the bed looking cuter than should be allowed. As much as I enjoy and find myself in this apartment, it felt not as a home until my new friend moved in. I love him, and he brings a joy to my life I have not felt in years.
Warmth
I shall continue this road. I enjoy the work, the technical aspects of the backend, and the idea of an audience. That last part may be mostly in my head, but such matters not. I feel the connection, the expression, the outlet; I feel the spidering, the simplicity of the web, the possibility of upward feelings; I know this is good for me and I know I will improve myself ever so slightly from the cathartic release which has for years brought me peace. Be well, all. I certainly will.
[06/13/2011 21:31pst] "This evening while sitting and gazing at the sea, the high fog was allowing sunlight through to the water miles out to the west. It was beautiful beyond my description. Glistening, glowing, rolling water illuminated intermittently and filling my head with thoughts of peace. I love it so. I continue to plod along with the business of downsizing my possessions. So far, so good. Many things have gone out the door, either sold, given, or tossed to the bin. This has been going on for a couple of months now and is helping me to realize that many of the material things I have owned really did nothing for me. While hobbies are nice to keep the boredom away, too many just add up to a cluttered mess. And despite my continuing commitment to the endless truck build, without access to machinery I am restricted to the electronics design. Even that will eventually cease due to cost. The whole thing makes me sad until I am reminded of something a good friend related to me a few years ago: 'The journey has become more important than the end result'. I cannot disagree. The continuing design and fabrication was always enjoyable. It still is. Of course, nothing related to the truck has been sold or discarded, and I must say that looking at it serves two purposes now. One, I realize the creativity within me, and two, the truck serves as a reminder of the workplace I miss. One up and one down. Still, I do love to look at it and remember the drive I once possessed. That is mostly gone now, and I continue with the electronics quite slowly. Time will tell what becomes of that machine.
It is a beauty, I will admit. All of my overly-anal hardware selections really have paid off (to me, anyway). As well they should, too... I have spent an obscene amount of money on the stainless and ensured that everything matched. Geeky, yes, but still... It is gorgeous to look at. Even if it never runs, the shelf value cannot be overstated. I must say that I am very proud of the work done on this. This evening is nice and quiet. Despite new neighbors moving in next door, the building is peaceful. Just the occasional sounds from the highway and the snoozing (read: snoring) bundle on my lap :-) Wellness. Very nice.
[07/02/2011 21:57 pdt] Scenes of summer. Today's excursion into the city was nice on many levels... Coffee, conversation, a lovely lunch, sunshine, colors, and of course, photography. Hours of exploring and shooting have yielded a few decent views being injected into my camera. Not many, mind you, but enough to help me along in the belief that I am improving (of course, my camera is now out of my possession as a result of my incessant yammering over the fact that I do not believe myself a photographer by any stretch. As of now, it's just me and the iPhone cameras). Maybe I'll get the big-boy camera back soon ;-)
My day has also shown me the wonderfully diverse culture to which I now live so close. I do love it. All of the people who make up that great city were out in force as a result of the jazz festival and beautifully warm weather. Everywhere the eye could look, smiles were seen. Smiles and laughing aplenty. Many languages, differing smells of ethnic foods, and all of the bright faces from around the globe contributed to endless wonder. One soul in particular who was showing paintings of African scenes and stories really stood out. This man was friendly and open to everyone and more than willing to share the rich history and dramatic beauty of his homeland. The few moments spent perusing those works stood out as some of the most fascinating and moving of the day. He still remains within my thoughts even all these hours later.
As with all the trips into that great city, this one will be remembered for years. Back home and I began to hear the goings on of a wedding elsewhere in the neighborhood. Such a celebration, it was. Music and voices and uproar as only a wedding and reception can produce. As I look across the homes and business of the day passing by outside, it's nice to feel the resonance of love, family and friendship as only that kind of occasion can produce. I feel for them... I feel the joy and hope. I feel the love, and I feel the desire to look ahead with conviction. Internet is down... Dogs are barking... Text is flowing... I am sleepy."
[11/15/2011 10:13pst] "Wow, I don't post much here anymore. I no longer see much point. This site sits still when I don't say much, and when I do no one is there to read it. I guess I never should have let that search engine reference go. Oh, well. Such matters not any longer."
[11/23/2011 06:03pst] "Darkness all around. Even the LED lamps are barely glowing. Just darkness. Sitting here for the last few hours has been fairly comfortable despite the cool. I do prefer the cool (as past readers know, many a paragraph here have been in support of the cooler climate as well as more temperate locales), so this early morning stuff is welcomed. My chair leaves a bit to be desired, however. Perhaps a pillow might help. Just enough light outside to see the white in the crashing waves. I can't hear them, though... the hour is late and cars are beginning to rush by on 1. The pier must be open, too. The fishing souls are out already. So, and so. This month has flown by (just as all the others since I have come to this place). Only a day from the holiday now. One day. I was in the city on Monday to bring my watch to the service center. That place is in the shopping district and there were plenty of people there with the rush of Christmas on their minds and in their steps. The area was not crowded, but that is coming soon. I remember being there last year on black Friday and nary a piece of cement could be seen. So many shoppers rushing about in the midday cool. That was a fun trip but we were not there to shop. We walked, ate, drank, and watched others. In fact, because of being so detached from the holiday season we were not expecting the crowds. A short BART ride plopped us into the Powell/Stockton soup and upon emerging from the station the rush was apparent. We had not realized the date. We took that trip so very often back then... Into the downtown stations for walking and sometimes lunch or drinks (mostly drinks). This was before I had the Nikon so all the photos were with the phone. Despite not having a good camera there were still many interesting sights to capture. If I remember correctly, that was the first trip to the city since I had installed the Hipstamatic.
So many good memories from that time, but also so much turmoil. As different as I could have helped to make the situation, perhaps that was mostly out of anyone's control. Sometimes things have a momentum all their own and we are at the mercy of such for the most part. Once they are set to roll... All done. Fallout remains. 0700 sharp. Very light outside now. Too bad. I like it dark. Perhaps the time has come to throw the drapes and continue the coziness. I even turned on the heater thanks to the leaky door seals. I must remain as comfortable as possible. Maybe a smoke first, then the drapes. Darkness we feel. And... We go. Ahh... that's better. I made it night in here once again. Very nice. This is the last business day before the holiday so I would imagine many will be rushing about to get things in order. For me? Not so much. I will be here, holed up yet again, and seeking the alone time of which I have been in so much need lately. It is good for the most part... I can think and relax, do some cleaning, a bit of typing, and keep the meals cheap and simple. After all of the recent paperwork and need to conduct business, staying in for the holiday feels fairly good. Kind of comfortable, I guess. I don't like thinking of last year anymore. Time has passed, to be sure, but still those moments attempt invasion into my head and heart too often. Some things must be let go while others should be kept in mind in order to learn. That is the toughie... Burning away irrelevancy to end up with a pure product -- the truth. Facing such a thing is equally trying. It takes time and patience. On top of that, I have things such as the photo below injecting memories into me...
That was Christmas day, 2010, on Green Street in SF. Funny... Green Street in an Irish pub which is always lit with green. Heh. If I could only smile about it now. Woe is me anymore. Those times are gone. Just so fucking gone. I just hope the alcohol back then was not as much of a necessity as it is beginning to seem. That would be sad. 0747. And now the silly cats feel the need to play around the foot of the drapes, thus showing me little tidbits of daylight. Hopefully they will calm soon or find interest elsewhere for I need it damned dark in here. Damned. Dark. I certainly am glad that I have no business out in town. Staying put is paramount right now. LEDs are off, and the sky outside is somewhat overcast leaving the mood in here rather nice. Better than nothing, I suppose. These late days have shown me that getting through any emotional difficulty may actually be beyond my abilities. Try, try, try, and still I sit here as the same shitty wreck as in the beginning. As many years passed as that has become, I have not learned a thing. I have been told that such is entirely up to me. Hmm. Perhaps, and perhaps not. I cannot help but believe that some individuals do not have the capacity and/or the time in this life to find the capability for rising above, strengthening, or finding their own peace. Of course, I am just one among billions and as such I can only speak of myself, though. As much as we are similar, we are also vastly different. That much simply cannot be argued no matter the circumstances.
To 2012
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